Archive for April, 2011
Oh, how my wee PA is a disaster! She just went to pack baby MacBook and realized she had not turned it off last night!
She does still have access to an unsecured signal, since she moved into the flat she is vacating today. It has been here for the entire four years! It still hasn’t gone away, so I can make this last post for her. We will both get back to you at some point. Hopefully, as soon as possible.
However, even when she does get her Internet installed at her new place of residence, she may be in bed, non-functional for an indefinite period. I will do my best to rouse her, if that is the case.
Best to all of you,
Well, gone a bit recently, too? I’m not sure if anyone’s noticed though, either here or on Twitter etc…
I’m moving tomorrow. I can’t even begin to tell you what’s been going on lately. Not just with the packing and this and that. It’s strange. Well, so much. But this.
The other night I was thinking about stuff and it was like, the more pressure you’re under, leads to other things that create other pressures. Perhaps I can describe it better later. When I have more time. When I can (try?) to do it properly. When I’m not so sleep deprived.
Moving, and packing and running out of time. Mounting “To Do” lists that just keep getting longer. Finally, things reaching epic crescendos to PTSD proportions. But the PTSD “stuff” the other night isn’t related at all to my moving. No, my life and past and specific things. I think. Fuzzy Head. Tired.
That sort of thing isn’t all bad, though. It helps you sort things out. It just made for an EXTRA tiring evening than the already tiring ones of late.
Better get back to packing. Movers arriving tomorrow morning. I won’t have Internet access for a while (long story.) Just in case you’re looking for me.
POSTSCRIPT: What on earth happened to my Dashboard and my blog stuff while I was away??? WP, what are you doing??? MY EYES!!!
Sweetie GP’s right on the job, but she made me feel like more of a wreck than I already thought I was. Also, kind of like an old woman. *rolls eyes*
We went over my recent blood work, some of which I knew. Ferritin, low. Hemoglobin, low (although, I’ve never had low readings, there.)
I’m being referred to a Hematologist, to go the IV transfusion route, over the icky, oral supplements. Also, money. Let’s hope this person isn’t an idiot and/or I won’t run into any problems, there. Dr. PA doesn’t know if there are any difficult issues with typing, matching etc… for iron supplementation.
There was one more thing that I wasn’t told when my favourite nurse called me with the results. Vitamin D.
Well, this isn’t really so surprising (even though it’s never been a problem before), as I do live in Canada, not California. I know, that’s not a country, but alliteration is fun.
Irrespective of our country’s lack of sunshine year round (for the general population), my Vitamin D issues seem to be of more importance. How curious?
Could it have more to do with sunshine? I think if it were only that, Sweetie GP could just
prescribe buy me an airline ticket to a warmer location of my choosing. She didn’t do that. Nor did she waltz out of the office, suggesting I buy some kind of “sun-lamp-doo-dad-whatcha-ma-whoozit-thingy.”
She wanted me to do something else. Well, “asked.” She never “tells,” me to do anything.
Notably, (young-lady-ly), I never developed Rickets. Howeverly, (old-lady-ly), Sweetie GP wants me to go for a Bone Density Test. She told me she doesn’t usually ask her patients do this until they’re into their 50s, but would I be okay with it?
Sure, I would! No problem! Why wouldn’t I? After all, a lot of mornings I really DO wake up and wonder if my entire skeletal system can support me!
“Remove the following from your racks and inventory immediately! Stock No. Patient Anonymous. Inform all purchasers as soon as possible! A press release has already been sent to all media outlets! Not even a refurbish is possible with this product!”
I’m 41, and always get guessed under my age (sometimes way under my age.) Now I’m taking a test that I probably wouldn’t for the next 10-15 years? I also continually have “weak,” blood. I won’t even bother with the rest of my Gastro business. This is just my body, as well. Forget my brain!
Ah, and speaking of that useless part of my anatomy, we’re working on ditching Merlin #2. This made Sweetie GP unhappy.
It has been made quite apparent that he has a useless piece of anatomy, too. He’s lost his heart. He no longer cares. For my psychiatrist to not even ask me what is wrong, when I am crying uncontrollably, directly in front of him? That is not only incredibly painful, but completely unacceptable.
I need someone to treat all of me. All that is inside my head, and all that is inside my heart. He used to do that. All of my other physicians still do that. It’s time to cut him loose. I don’t know how, or why, but it’s too bad he turned out to be like this.
Since I first woke up, everything has now stopped and all is quiet. Silent. I am looking at my blog, this page, and feeling I should make a post. I don’t know what to say.
Sometimes we say too much, when we really should remain quiet. Silent. This, I now know.
If I should do so, it doesn’t mean I am withholding, I don’t care, there are hidden agendas, anything else you could imagine.
So, I shall say no more. Remain quiet. Silent. Until one day, it may be the time to loosen my lips, and untie my tongue.
I got it. I got the unit at the Co-op. Thus, you now won’t have to keep reading about me trying to find a place to live. Those aren’t the loss of words I’m talking about, however. What I mean is, there are lots of words, that can’t even definitively be the words, I can use as words, to begin to describe it all.
How do you like that one? I’ll try to put something together, though.
This all happened over five days. I found the ad by sheer chance. I won’t say, “luck.”
Five days of…okay: fear, panic, confusion, rumination, numbness, anxiety, trying to appear “normal,” and hide anything going on inside me, anything that was going on inside me wreaking psychosomatic havoc, loss of concentration to the point of simply staring, and becoming immobilized, staring at nothing and/or becoming immobilized for…well, “just because?”
How’d I do? After writing all of that, I actually did end up sort of, “losing it.” My eyes got blurry, and my head started to droop down. For a couple of minutes. I’m still not quite “here.” I’m typing very slowly, with maybe a couple of seconds passing between keystrokes.
I just “froze up,” for 4-5 minutes (again), before I could type “keystrokes.” This is some pretty, heavy dissociation. If you look at that list up there, you’ll see some more evidence of it, too?
I haven’t felt like this in a while. I think I need to stop for a bit, and catch my breath. Literally. I’m still kind of out of it, and before, I felt I couldn’t quite inhale any air. You see? Pretty frozen up.
Okay, I’m breathing now. That’s a good thing, right? *smiles and laughs a bit* Still, let’s take some time to try and fully get back down to earth.
Alright. So, it’s been about 45 minutes, now. I’ve taken a shower, made some more tea, and my brain seems to have “rebooted,” itself.
Before I continue, I will also add that it’s been a really stressful, non-stop day, this wasn’t a seizure as I know the difference regarding my DP/DR very well between both dissociative states, I was bawling my eyes out last night for about a half hour that people could attribute words to–but I could not. I didn’t quite know what was going on, but I guess it was an outpouring of a lot of “stuff,” when I found out I got the unit.
Now, there is a point to me writing about dissociating as it was actually occurring. A couple, really.
I wanted to give anyone out there who doesn’t know what dissociation can be like (or those who can), a little bit of an idea of what it can be like for me. Although, it may not always be like that. Still, that’s a really good picture of a case that’s not so mild.
The second reason is that I found myself, much to my surprise, listed here. I don’t really consider myself that much of a DID blogger, what with all of my other diagnoses. Also, I don’t hold a DID diagnosis. PTSD, absolutely. And true, they can be linked. And true, I have had flashbacks and, clearly, I can dissociate.
But hang on. DID does exist as a standalone diagnosis. Yet, it falls within a “category,” of Dissociative Disorders. Guess where you can slot me in? Dissociative Amnesia! That’s why I can barely recall a thing from childhood, into my teen years, and even my adult ones! My worst flashback to date, had something to do with an event when I was in my mid-20s.
I’m not looking for another “label.” I’ll be honest, too. I already knew about my Dissociative Amnesia. I just thought I’d share that little “technical,” detail with you guys, as well.
Boy, was I a disaster when I came home yesterday afternoon. It was movies in bed on baby MacBook all the way, until…well, bed! I think my brain might be coming back to me (TBD), but my body is floating away. As is so often the case, push yourself too hard, then no chance for “Immune System Red Alert!” I’ve picked up some, stupid virus. I definitely need to pay attention to that. I MUST rest over the weekend for Monday!
Monday, you say? What’s so special about Monday? I’m getting butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. I can’t even think just thinking about it!
I went to the “first round,” interview for the flat with the Co-op yesterday morning. I didn’t feel nervous (well, okay), but I was also undercaffeinated, as it was early.
Interview. Even though the guy was great over the phone, and via email, I very much treated it like a job interview–with my application being my resume. All went fine, application impressive enough, because of Monday!
Monday night, I have been invited back for the “second round,” to be interviewed by a couple of the Co-op’s Board of Directors. They’re moving fast! They will probably make a decision even by Tuesday? However, there are several “variables” affecting my acceptance of membership. I don’t believe the meeting is even (firmly), scheduled yet. One of the reasons, is that I think the Admin. (who I saw), may have been waiting for my application, and to meet me. There were other things, too, that made it sound like nothing had been confirmed yet. For anyone. Not just me.
There are two people ahead of me. As I mentioned prior, everything about Co-ops is about being on a list! So, with these two, why the hold up?
So, those variables. I am already confirmed, and was told I would be given a confirmation time (beyond an already vague one.) Again, unscheduled? If it was all set up for the Board Members, and the two prospectives, then just slot me in!
We also spoke very openly about the situation. In fact, MY situation in terms of getting what I wanted! I knew some of these variables, but he explained some others. Hopefully, some that may work in my favour! And more of the unscheduled?
The meeting is on Monday, and he only works mornings on Friday. Not a lot of notice. Also, he said one woman has a ridiculous schedule! Should either of them not be available, not get back to him, whatever–WHAM! Automatically out of the picture.
There are actually two flats. One is more expensive than the other. So, it is possible that one person ahead of me could choose it. I can’t take it. Too expensive. If both people show up, they each might take the both of them! I don’t get the short straw. I don’t get a straw, at all.
But what of the “literal” application process? Someone may have a boo boo, not get a great reference, credit check not so hot. Probably not too much to improve my state, there.
Second interview? Some kind of “popularity contest?” I don’t think so. They may just want to see if you’re a good fit. Being a member of a Co-op involves mandatory participation in its operation. You need not only to be committed, but presumably more points if you have the right skills (Monday is really going to be my “job interview!”)
There is one last kernel he shared with me, though. Applications can trump prospective members. If they really like me on paper (and after meeting me), I could screw the others and somehow, pre-emptively, swing my own vote? *laughing*
You never know. But I did use almost a half a page to write down all of the volunteer and community work/experience I have. Maybe that will help?
This is really hard, though. In my head, it feels like this is all I can focus upon right now. But it’s not for certain, and I still have to keep working on more backup plans. While feeling totally nauseous, and with my eyes completely blurry.
No, not the song by Led Zeppelin, the movie, anything else. Just my head. I made a joke the other day that for someone who is “not fit for work,” I’ve been pulling eight hour days, lately. Except for yesterday. That was about 11 hours.
But now, can I still use that joke? It was only seven hours when my brain came to a complete halt. I mean, it’s just shot to hell. Can I even squeak in my ADD as an excuse? Damn right, I’m “squeaking,” it in!
Let’s have a wee rundown. If I can remember everything? It’s probably going to be a bit out of order, too. I don’t think that matters, so much. Do you?
I woke up (literally the phone ringing), to a guy from this (really good?) Co-op. Yes, a Co-op!!! If you EVER get a chance to live in a Co-op, you run screaming past GO, forget everything else on your mind, and collect 2 million dollars!!!
There was an old ad online yesterday, saying they had something available immediately. I responded. Well, it didn’t take long to get back to me with an application. And an appt. in 48hrs!!!
Co-ops are insane. Well, in this way. They have incredibly long waiting lists, so just bide your time. Sit and rot away, until some tenant rots away and dies, before you get your chance.
Speaking of Co-ops, another one I applied to did a reference check with my landlord! I don’t know what that means!!! At what stage in their process do they do that??? I need my Social Worker!!! Boy, is she going to regret (if she doesn’t already), giving me her email address. That’s a naughty, no-no for clients. They completely go off their nut, as I have, and start emailing all over!
Next up. This woman is supposed to come by and pick up a shelving unit I am selling her. Off her nut? It’s been impossible to contact her for ages, so I just set the date for today at a random time. Now, she keeps calling and pushing it back by an hour. Then another hour. I’m not going anywhere today, but ‘geez, you know!
I’ve partially disassembled it, she says it won’t need to be anymore but…it’s kind of heavy, and there’s some glass involved. Oh, woman! Just get over here, give me my money, and take it however you want it!
My bloodwork. My favourite nurse R. from Sweetie GPs office, always calls me, whatever the results. As is forever the prime suspect: my anemia. Well, guess what. I didn’t ask for the readings, as my head had already fallen half off my shoulders, but what she told me was enough–although, with a bit of RBC on the side.
Typically, ferritin low, but she said a bit of a “problem” with my hemoglobin. I see. She mentioned supplements I had been on before, and I told her, that I told Gastro Man: “Never again!” Thus, Gastro Man and I decided IV Supplementation. I then said, Sweetie GP told me she could make the needed referral to hospital. Reason being, Gastro Man’s referring hospitals are impossible for travel! They’re too far away!
If Sweetie GP goes back on her word, I will simply remain anemic! That’s all there is to it!
She’s really pro-specialist, though. I can’t remember, but did she say a referral to a Hematologist? Well, maybe that was the first step. Which is sort of sensible. You wouldn’t just toss me into some room, find some kind of “iron rich,” blood, and start pumping it into me. Even if I told them my blood type (B positive if you would like to know.)
It’s on the rarer side of things but at least I have the +. That’s where I’m not too screwed in the donation dept., but not the best, either. Universal O or any B (the latter preferable, of course.) If you want mine, you’re pretty screwed. B negative? Oh, boy. SCUH-REWED!!! Anyway, enough about my blood. Except that, if I can’t get any more blood, I will still remain anemic.
Oh, I showered, too. I didn’t want to look like too much like a dazed and confused filthpig. All for this woman. Who is making me feel like I’m being stood up for the stupidest date, ever!
I’m tired. I can’t wake up. It’s also taken me hours to type this, even in draft, as I’m still doing the “few-or-two-fingered typing thing.” It’s annoying as all hell, and I can’t get things done, as it slows me down too much. I need to be like Data, from Star Trek TNG.
Actually, I had a Simple partial seizure where I thought I was a form of AI. Yes, I was a form of Artificial Intelligence, just like Data. That sort of psychic manifestation of a Simple partial might freak a lot of people out. But, I totally loved it!!!
It was so much fun. I stared at myself in the mirror and I saw “me,” but it wasn’t me. It was merely another version of “me,” that was a form of AI, and full of all these other qualities. That other “me,” was far superior (if not completely error free), in performing any task that a human being could not do!
That was the biggest form of DP/DR I’ve ever had with a Simple partial to date. Well, barring my gelastic seizures that take over my entire body and being, like I’m a demon possessed. They can be scary for people having them, too, as they are basically a massive eruption of completely, uncontrollable emotion. Mine is humour so I’ll just start laughing, doubled over, tears streaming out of my eyes… At nothing. I love them, as well!
In having both PTSD and epilepsy, many people have asked me what are the similarities and/or differences, between what I experience regarding DP/DR in terms of both. I’ll probably get the question again in the future, but I don’t mind answering something over and over!
It’s always been a tough question for me to answer–at least to one point–it feels different. That, of course, then begets more question/s. After me telling people that it is somehow different, I have to try and offer up some distinction. Also, I should mention that these questions usually (but not always), come from people in the PTSD and DID camp. Thus, they are already familiar with DP/DR, and dissociation.
With my Simple partial seizures, there may be other things happening at the same time. Other things that are altering my consciousness to varying degrees. So then, I need to toss the ball back to you. Are you experiencing “anything else” when you’re dissociating? Also, to what degree is your consciousness altered? Does it change as time moves on?
That is also another tough one for me. Simple partial seizures can progress to other seizures, so my consciousness can further go out the window. This doesn’t happen all the time, though. Certainly, less than most times.
Here are some possible scenario/s for me. Although, before I start, I will state, very importantly, my Simple partial seizures last app. 30-60 seconds. That is typical in presentation. Also, for me, my consciousness can remain unaltered enough in some cases, to time the seizures. Still, it can be pretty hard. Finally, just to TRY to keep things easier, I’m going to refer to my epilepsy symptoms as DP/DR, and the PTSD as dissociation.
Now, let’s try and run down some combinations along with my Simple partial seizure DP/DR activity, and show what has been more prominent and common over the years. However, some are actual seizure events and/or manifestations in other areas of the brain, maybe something else coming down the tracks, a bigger seizure, what I mentioned above. I will mark those in bold.
DP/DR + tachycardia (very frequent), muffled ambient sound (very frequent), deja vu (frequent), jamais vu (what is known and familiar to a person, momentarily becomes unfamiliar – infrequent), odd sense that I felt a tingling in my head and brain (infrequent), Micro/Macrosomatognosia* (Body Image Disturbance, where parts of your body can appear smaller, larger, distorted – semi-frequent), Micro/Macropsia* (External Image Disturbance, where objects around you can appear smaller, larger, distorted – semi-frequent), epigastric rising (I don’t believe that I have abdominal epilepsy but this one – more than frequent!) eyelid myoclonus (frequent), facial twitching (semi-frequent to infrequent), drooling (very frequent!) changes in emotional states (infrequent.)
I guess I could leave it at that? Quite a few things, and there are more!
Who knows? My experiences with epilepsy, may actually have more in common with what others’ experience, regarding their dissociation and DP/DR.
* – These are some symptoms of the so-called: “Alice in Wonderland Syndrome.” Another symptom is loss of time, but I would think that would fit for me, as it’s still very difficult to time the seizure events. In some cases of “Alice,” you may find other things mentioned above, or not, plus other things I have felt.
POSTSCRIPT: I just realized something in stating my PTSD dissociation, and it always being so different from my Simple partial DP/DR. I was reading about other seizure activity and I might be a bit off course there! Oops.
I’m still tired. I still can’t wake up.
Oh, my apologies to you all! It appears PA lost a fair bit of control in her post yesterday, while I was not around. I had just left to pick up more gauze, anti-bacterial cream, tape and surgical gloves. The trip did not take me very long, but when I returned, I found her post! Good heavens, above!
I have never heard her utter such things in all the time I have known her. Furthermore, certainly not in one, long string like that! I wanted to sit down with her and have a little discussion when I read it all, but upon seeing her, rather pale and sickly, I decided to wait until this morning.
It is not that I have issues with profanity. PA, quite obviously, has no issues with profanity! We simply mused about the use of it on her blog, in the future. I was rather forceful, regarding the last thing she wrote, however. I feel that was, perhaps, going a bit overboard. Although, PA is not in the mindset to ponder it all, right now.
She is going to see a flat today, that she desires so much, she is willing to murder anyone who gets in her way. I suppose profanity, is less of an issue of protection for me to deal with, than murder!
She is also very anxious and on edge, as she is tremendously, spatially challenged. Her friend J., who can basically look at things in an instant and know everything, told her last night he could not be there for her.
Despite having all things written down with sizing, a measuring tape, everything on a list she could possibly think of otherwise, there will be a lot of other people there, as well. PA is at least smart enough to keep original links to online postings. The landlord has since changed it from the one she has. We suspect it is precisely for that reason. He has become overloaded with too many responses!
I need to get PA into the shower immediately, so I will bid you adieu. She wants to be first in line, but with all of the surgical glove business, bandaging and re-bandaging required, it will take some time. I am going to try and do my best, and hopefully not make her look like some kind of deranged mummy.
WARNING: Extreme profanity ahead!
Well, now. I don’t know whether to kill or be killed, as I sit here, two-finger typing (which is not how I type.) It’s really hard, by the way, too. And slow. And easily prone to mistakes (or you are when doing it.)
My landlord brought someone by today to look at my place, earlier. He wanted to open all the blinds to show how much natural light can come in. Okay. I never open them because I don’t care. And so, they left, with the blinds still open. Oh, I need to fix that, don’t I?
I have repeated ad nauseum (speaking of, I’m rather nauseous right now), what a piece of garbage this flat is. Guess what else are pieces of garbage?
THE GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING ASS LICKING BED SHITTING CUNT FULL OF SMEGMA BLINDS WOULDN’T CLOSE!!!
I shredded three fingers on the little ropes trying to lower them. Oh, holy hell. More oh, holy hell? I could just barely put together enough bandages, gauze, but…oh, no! I don’t have enough tape! Makeshift First Aid, indeed! Dr. (Profanity Laden) PA is now wearing surgical gloves to avoid any infection. She’ll have to go out and buy loads of stuff later! “Bloody” Hell!
Definitely not what I need right now. Definitely what I’d need ever? And needless to say, definitely a rather terse email sent to my landlord. Rather pointless, though. He DEFINITELY won’t care!