From Blog Fog to epilepsy, then to PTSD/DID DP/DR and Dissociation, then Finally Back
I’m tired. I can’t wake up. It’s also taken me hours to type this, even in draft, as I’m still doing the “few-or-two-fingered typing thing.” It’s annoying as all hell, and I can’t get things done, as it slows me down too much. I need to be like Data, from Star Trek TNG.
Actually, I had a Simple partial seizure where I thought I was a form of AI. Yes, I was a form of Artificial Intelligence, just like Data. That sort of psychic manifestation of a Simple partial might freak a lot of people out. But, I totally loved it!!!
It was so much fun. I stared at myself in the mirror and I saw “me,” but it wasn’t me. It was merely another version of “me,” that was a form of AI, and full of all these other qualities. That other “me,” was far superior (if not completely error free), in performing any task that a human being could not do!
That was the biggest form of DP/DR I’ve ever had with a Simple partial to date. Well, barring my gelastic seizures that take over my entire body and being, like I’m a demon possessed. They can be scary for people having them, too, as they are basically a massive eruption of completely, uncontrollable emotion. Mine is humour so I’ll just start laughing, doubled over, tears streaming out of my eyes… At nothing. I love them, as well!
In having both PTSD and epilepsy, many people have asked me what are the similarities and/or differences, between what I experience regarding DP/DR in terms of both. I’ll probably get the question again in the future, but I don’t mind answering something over and over!
It’s always been a tough question for me to answer–at least to one point–it feels different. That, of course, then begets more question/s. After me telling people that it is somehow different, I have to try and offer up some distinction. Also, I should mention that these questions usually (but not always), come from people in the PTSD and DID camp. Thus, they are already familiar with DP/DR, and dissociation.
With my Simple partial seizures, there may be other things happening at the same time. Other things that are altering my consciousness to varying degrees. So then, I need to toss the ball back to you. Are you experiencing “anything else” when you’re dissociating? Also, to what degree is your consciousness altered? Does it change as time moves on?
That is also another tough one for me. Simple partial seizures can progress to other seizures, so my consciousness can further go out the window. This doesn’t happen all the time, though. Certainly, less than most times.
Here are some possible scenario/s for me. Although, before I start, I will state, very importantly, my Simple partial seizures last app. 30-60 seconds. That is typical in presentation. Also, for me, my consciousness can remain unaltered enough in some cases, to time the seizures. Still, it can be pretty hard. Finally, just to TRY to keep things easier, I’m going to refer to my epilepsy symptoms as DP/DR, and the PTSD as dissociation.
Now, let’s try and run down some combinations along with my Simple partial seizure DP/DR activity, and show what has been more prominent and common over the years. However, some are actual seizure events and/or manifestations in other areas of the brain, maybe something else coming down the tracks, a bigger seizure, what I mentioned above. I will mark those in bold.
DP/DR + tachycardia (very frequent), muffled ambient sound (very frequent), deja vu (frequent), jamais vu (what is known and familiar to a person, momentarily becomes unfamiliar – infrequent), odd sense that I felt a tingling in my head and brain (infrequent), Micro/Macrosomatognosia* (Body Image Disturbance, where parts of your body can appear smaller, larger, distorted – semi-frequent), Micro/Macropsia* (External Image Disturbance, where objects around you can appear smaller, larger, distorted – semi-frequent), epigastric rising (I don’t believe that I have abdominal epilepsy but this one – more than frequent!) eyelid myoclonus (frequent), facial twitching (semi-frequent to infrequent), drooling (very frequent!) changes in emotional states (infrequent.)
I guess I could leave it at that? Quite a few things, and there are more!
Who knows? My experiences with epilepsy, may actually have more in common with what others’ experience, regarding their dissociation and DP/DR.
* – These are some symptoms of the so-called: “Alice in Wonderland Syndrome.” Another symptom is loss of time, but I would think that would fit for me, as it’s still very difficult to time the seizure events. In some cases of “Alice,” you may find other things mentioned above, or not, plus other things I have felt.
POSTSCRIPT: I just realized something in stating my PTSD dissociation, and it always being so different from my Simple partial DP/DR. I was reading about other seizure activity and I might be a bit off course there! Oops.
I’m still tired. I still can’t wake up.