Stress, Stress, Stress…CRASH!


Boy, was I a disaster when I came home yesterday afternoon.  It was movies in bed on baby MacBook all the way, until…well, bed! I think my brain might be coming back to me (TBD), but my body is floating away.  As is so often the case, push yourself too hard, then no chance for “Immune System Red Alert!” I’ve picked up some, stupid virus.  I definitely need to pay attention to that.  I MUST rest over the weekend for Monday!

Monday, you say? What’s so special about Monday? I’m getting butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it.  I can’t even think just thinking about it!

I went to the “first round,” interview for the flat with the Co-op yesterday morning.  I didn’t feel nervous (well, okay), but I was also undercaffeinated, as it was early.

Interview.  Even though the guy was great over the phone, and via email, I very much treated it like a job interview–with my application being my resume.  All went fine, application impressive enough, because of Monday!

Monday night, I have been invited back for the “second round,” to be interviewed by a couple of the Co-op’s Board of Directors. They’re moving fast! They will probably make a decision even by Tuesday? However, there are several “variables” affecting my acceptance of membership.  I don’t believe the meeting is even (firmly), scheduled yet.  One of the reasons, is that I think the Admin. (who I saw), may have been waiting for my application, and to meet me.  There were other things, too, that made it sound like nothing had been confirmed yet.  For anyone.  Not just me.

There are two people ahead of me.  As I mentioned prior, everything about Co-ops is about being on a list! So, with these two, why the hold up?

So, those variables.  I am already confirmed, and was told I would be given a confirmation time (beyond an already vague one.)  Again, unscheduled? If it was all set up for the Board Members, and the two prospectives, then just slot me in!

We also spoke very openly about the situation.  In fact, MY situation in terms of getting what I wanted! I knew some of these variables, but he explained some others.  Hopefully, some that may work in my favour! And more of the unscheduled?

The meeting is on Monday, and he only works mornings on Friday.  Not a lot of notice.  Also, he said one woman has a ridiculous schedule! Should either of them not be available, not get back to him, whatever–WHAM! Automatically out of the picture.

There are actually two flats.  One is more expensive than the other.  So, it is possible that one person ahead of me could choose it.  I can’t take it.  Too expensive.  If both people show up, they each might take the both of them! I don’t get the short straw.  I don’t get a straw, at all.

But what of the “literal” application process? Someone may have a boo boo, not get a great reference, credit check not so hot.  Probably not too much to improve my state, there.

Second interview? Some kind of “popularity contest?” I don’t think so.  They may just want to see if you’re a good fit.  Being a member of a Co-op involves mandatory participation in its operation.  You need not only to be committed, but presumably more points if you have the right skills (Monday is really going to be my “job interview!”)

There is one last kernel he shared with me, though.  Applications can trump prospective members.  If they really like me on paper (and after meeting me), I could screw the others and somehow, pre-emptively, swing my own vote? *laughing*

You never know.  But I did use almost a half a page to write down all of the volunteer and community work/experience I have.  Maybe that will help?

This is really hard, though.  In my head, it feels like this is all I can focus upon right now.  But it’s not for certain, and I still have to keep working on more backup plans.  While feeling totally nauseous, and with my eyes completely blurry.

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  1. I hope it goes well for you.

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  2. Hi Sheri. Thanks hon. Me too, but even more now that you said so.

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  3. Kevin

    You can’t control what these other folks do, you can only control what you do. Do your best.

    …blah. There you go, that’s typical Aspie empathy for you right there… Another try – like Sheri, I’m hoping things go well for you too. Got my fingers crossed, except of course when I need to write, text on my phone, count with my fingers, pick my nose, stuff like that…

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  4. Hi Kevin. I know, I know. People always say that, and in my head, it is logical. But on the other side of the coin, I analyze and overanalyze things to death. I always have.

    That’s pretty Aspie. Honest and blunt, too. However, a lot of non-Aspies and NTs can do that, as well, I think.

    Also, I don’t think your first answer was “bad,” in any way. No, no!

    As for your second, thank you. And the rest of it? Oh, it made me laugh! If you didn’t have a girlfriend and I was straight, I think we’d make a great couple!

    POSTSCRIPT: Already nervous as hell, right now! I don’t have the time of the appt. yet, but I should start preparing and think of potential questions and answers–yes, just as a job interview! Eep!

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  5. Kevin

    Hope all went well with the meeting! As for the Aspie thing, it’s just the default way of consoling/counseling for me. But 10 years of marriage taught me to reconsider the default at times :) Girls are so complicated!

    Yeah, I suppose there are a few things standing in the way of PA and K, sitting in a tree. My girlfriend (though *she* likes girls), me not wearing skirts and whatnot (though I do have nice legs and have pulled off ‘girl’ pretty convincingly for Halloween, excepting my 6’+ height), and of course most of all the fact that you’re in effing Canada! Geezus, with all those obstacles, you’re probably a war-mongering conservative too who is into Creationism.

    In any case, again, I hope things went well and that you were able to do all you were able to do. Was thinking about you (and of course paying my taxes too) today.

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  6. Hi Kevin. Yes, the meeting did go well (see next post!) *grin*

    I wouldn’t make the gender distinction. I always say that people are complicated. I don’t get so many of them, and sometimes when I think I do? I can still get slapped across the face in surprise, confusion, disbelief, total incomprehension…I could go on.

    Quite unfortunately, with one person I know on a very deep level, I went into a “default mode,” of putting up walls, and then swinging way far back into the other direction–being overwhelmingly full of emotion. It was very hard for them to take at times.

    I understand all of my behaviour now. And it’s not like this was the first person I had done this with. No, I had been doing it my entire life!

    I can say it’s due to so many things, and it’s true (trauma, Asperger’s, other diagnoses, me being afraid of rocking the boat, lest anything go wrong, me not saying anything because I was afraid of my own anger, and the power it might invoke.) I have serious problems getting angry and trying to let it out, or whatever.

    In the end, though, what it boils down to, is that I wasn’t given the right “tools,” or shown the right examples, to form proper relationships. There’s no perfect relationship, out there. We all know that (or should.) But I see things like the above, where I know…well, I DON’T know. I need to work on it. At least that I know!

    Relationship segue?

    Oh, here you go making me laugh, again. I love you for making me laugh. Well, who wouldn’t love someone for making them laugh? “I hate you because you make me laugh!” That seems kind of fucked up. Aren’t you the Grinch?

    That’s cool your girlfriend likes girls, but I’m not into threesomes, and I don’t do “shows.” I’m not a “home wrecker,” either. Heh.

    I have no idea what you look like, but maybe we could femme you up. Also, I dated two women, one 5′ 11″ and the other 6′. Boy, they threw around wee PA, who’s about 5′ 1″ and a tad.

    PA was slightly bigger then, as this was way back before she got sick. Now, she’s barely 100lbs., so Kevin could toss wee PA all over! Lots of piggybacks and fireman’s carries??? Yes, please? YAY!!!

    Distance is also an issue. I’m not sure where you are, but as we cruise along in our delightful friendship, I shall let you know in due course, where exactly I live. *rolls eyes* As far as my political stance, and “religious beliefs,” here you are.

    I don’t know how familiar you are with our political system. We have three, large, Federal Parties: Conservative, Liberal, and NDP (New Democratic Party.) However, anyone can create a political party. This would have to happen at the lowest level, but should the party become strong enough, they could actually go Provincial, and then bid Federal. I think?

    There are two things I refuse to discuss anymore in my life: Politics and Religion. As an Aspie kid, I was hauled out too many times, by non-bio dad to do it. It was only to have people say, “Oh, listen to that! Isn’t she something! How lovely! She’s SO CUTE!!!”

    Anyway, back to anyone creating parties at the “municipal/lower,” level. I’m not kidding! You can run as an Independent, we have ones that are kind of on/off because they may not be able to get their acts together.

    The Libertarians usually show up. Ditto the Marxists. The Marijuana Party? Totally unreliable. I always laugh and say they’re too stoned to get organized–let alone find a candidate to run. There may be more.

    Me? I’m NDP all the way. They’re the lefties. They promote some things that I’m not really in favour of, but you can’t have everything. Also, politics is pure evil. But I don’t get the right to make that statement if I don’t vote!

    Religion? I’m an Atheist. I could go on into the blah, blah, blah, of why, but I think I’ve put you and everyone else to sleep, with my lovely story of Canadian Politics. However, am I considering climbing back up onto the “Agnostic Fence,” as I call it? That’s more of a joke I make.

    Agnosticism isn’t this foggy mindset, where a person is just “sitting on a fence.” Well, I suppose it could be for some people.

    gnosis. Greek. To know. I have a book I really want to read, but haven’t had a chance.

    From its perspective, Agnosticism is really a philosophical issue, for how can you know what you cannot know? How can you build your own beliefs or decisions, upon something that cannot be proven by…?

    Better stop with that now. Philosophical issues can sometimes get a bit noisy around here, too. I often regret bringing them up, as well. Still, I’ll probably stay an Atheist. It’s really my “argument.” *winks*

    So, does that cover everything?

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  7. Kevin

    Ooh, can’t wait to see the next post… though it’ll probably be up before I’ve finished this.

    I said that chicks are so complicated sort of sarcastically. Okay, not entirely, I think there are clearly some sex differences. I had a good friend, not too long ago, who I’d just sit and have coffee with every morning at work before things got started. A number of girls with whom we’d sometimes hang out asked me what this guy and I talked about every morning. The truth was that more than half of the time, we just sat there and said nothing. None of them could seem to understand that jabbering on wasn’t the point or necessary – they just couldn’t quite relate.

    But as for me specifically, I’ve got broader issues relating. And it’s easier for me to relate to people online than in person. I have time to think about the right thing to say. To congratulate them, to say happy birthday, to say “I’m so sorry”, things that are obvious to everyone else (and so obvious to me that I don’t understand why any of us have to say them at all). I remember at a couple points in my life coming up with 15 or 20 different things I could say when someone came up and just said “hi”, and practicing them until they were automatic. ‘Cause if I didn’t, I’d just stand there and stammer and look like an ass. Crap, need to do that exercise again, I’m afraid. Need to do it for “my mom died” too, I think, that one’s not one of my great strengths. I have a much easier time knowing what to say when someone’s just got a huge zit on their nose. In any case, here… I can go back over my post and ask “have I taken the time and shown PA that I *am* really happy her meeting went well?” and edit away if needed…

    5’1″, hoo, wow. I don’t reckon I’ve ever dated anyone 5’1″, not that I’ve specifically avoided it (in fact, I’ve dated very few people at all). I once dated someone my own height, 6’4″, just to know what it was to date someone that tall. I was and still am quite thin and she was very athletic – so if I didn’t fight dirty she’d have been able to throw me around – scary! Cool! Femme me up?… hmmm, for anything beyond just Halloween, I think my eyebrows are gonna require a lot of work, but I’m not afraid of the pain, LOL.

    Ahh, politics and religion. The things one never talks about at work. I can summarize my viewpoints quickly. They’re just my view, I’m not trying to argue viewpoints with anyone:

    Politics – I’m a bit all over the map, e.g. independent, but a little more left-leaning than right. But I think that so much of the politics one sees on TV (at least here) is theatre meant to distract you from politicans stealing your tax money and paying themselves off (often the returns are in the future).

    Religion – I’m an agnostic atheist, LOL. As a scientist, I don’t see the evidence that *completely* rules out the possibility of there being some sort of higher being (or beings…) in some form. I think there are very good arguments that there isn’t one (or more…), and I don’t see it as likely, but at the same time I think it’s a bit arrogant to say it’s impossible.

    Okay, your next post isn’t up yet, but I am very happy your meeting went well and that you’re grinning because of it. I’ve still got my fingers crossed until you have a place to live.

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  8. Hi Kevin. That’s a funny observation about the non-stop jabbering. I agree with you that there’s nothing wrong with just sitting, relaxing and hanging out, being quiet.

    I’m a little strange in that department, though. For one, all of my comorbidities can play a factor. Which one can “pop out,” and sort of take me over in the mood area? Then, it could be situation dependent? Just what’s going on around me? What’s going on period? So, I can be a real chatterbox, or I can be very quiet. It may also depend upon the topic of conversation!

    Yes, I have heard many a time from Aspies or others, who like to take the time to compose at a keyboard. To try and “get things right,” so to “speak.” Sorry about that. Utterly, reprehensible.

    I’m like that, too. And yet, I can still be a total disaster behind the keyboard! I’ll also bring the above situations into the picture regarding that! Also, my emotional state, and my out of control impulsivity! Man, have I screwed things up due to that!

    I also agree with these either perfunctory, or seemingly obvious things to say. It’s just so weird how language has sort of imposed that upon us (perhaps?)

    For example. “Hi, how are you?” someone might say when they don’t know you so well, or not at all. They don’t give a shit! They really want to talk to you about something else. Then, you say, fine, great, good, okay, and even respond in kind! Like you give a flying fuck how they are!

    Or: “Have a nice day!” “You, too.” Well, literally, you’re telling me what kind of day to have. I can’t necessarily have a nice day, even if I try to make it as nice as possible. It may turn out to be a real crap ass day, despite everything I do!

    Alright, I’ll shut up now. Although, I have learned to work hard in a lot of social situations. Yet, I still find a lot of the time I just go along in agreement with people, when I don’t know what to say. Just nod, say yes. Mumble, “Uh huh, mmm hmm.”

    Haha about the dating and your eyebrows. I haven’t dated so many people either, much less been in relationships! Oh, not good history there!

    I have some feelings about media spoon feeding and censorship (or, we’ll show you only what we want you to see), regarding the U.S. In Canada, I definitely think we’re more liberal in depiction. Well, I’d like to think so.

    Ah, back to deities, higher powers and beings. My feelings are derived from an Anthropological perspective.

    Since the dawn of mankind, we have forever been searching for a reason to explain our existence, why things happen, being thankful when they do happen in our favour, getting mad when they don’t and looking for someone to blame, a need to ask “someone” to make something happen when we desperately want it to.

    Alright. A lot of those latter ones could fall under a more Sociological perspective. But the former ones? Those have led to humans “creating” their own “gods.” Thus, as an Atheist, I do not believe in “a god.” I will respect a person’s faith, belief system, whatever. As long as it makes them happy, and a better person at the end of the day. Religion? Major issues. Hypocrisy? Lies? Okay, enough.

    A “Higher Power?” Well, I just don’t even know or understand what on earth (or not on earth), that means! It could mean anything to anyone (again, a belief system, so okay.)

    It certainly doesn’t mean anything to me. I can’t think of a “Higher Power!” The closest thing that pops into my head is the notion of The Collective Unconscious, but I still have trouble, there. I immediately think of the Borg. *laughing*

    I’ll go with Buddhism which is a non-theistic philosophy. That’s where I sit. And I do. For example, practised on regular basis is lojong, in terms of Relative Bodhicitta (or Bodhisattva “training.”) There’s a very specific form of meditation within that area that I do. And have done for over 10 years!

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