Archive for April 20th, 2011

I got it.  I got the unit at the Co-op.  Thus, you now won’t have to keep reading about me trying to find a place to live.  Those aren’t the loss of words I’m talking about, however.  What I mean is, there are lots of words, that can’t even definitively be the words, I can use as words, to begin to describe it all.

How do you like that one? I’ll try to put something together, though.

This all happened over five days.  I found the ad by sheer chance.  I won’t say, “luck.”

Five days of…okay: fear, panic, confusion, rumination, numbness, anxiety, trying to appear “normal,” and hide anything going on inside me, anything that was going on inside me wreaking psychosomatic havoc, loss of concentration to the point of simply staring, and becoming immobilized, staring at nothing and/or becoming immobilized for…well, “just because?”

How’d I do? After writing all of that, I actually did end up sort of, “losing it.”  My eyes got blurry, and my head started to droop down.  For a couple of minutes.  I’m still not quite “here.”  I’m typing very slowly, with maybe a couple of seconds passing between keystrokes.

I just “froze up,” for 4-5 minutes (again), before I could type “keystrokes.”  This is some pretty, heavy dissociation.  If you look at that list up there, you’ll see some more evidence of it, too?

I haven’t felt like this in a while.  I think I need to stop for a bit, and catch my breath.  Literally.  I’m still kind of out of it, and before, I felt I couldn’t quite inhale any air.  You see? Pretty frozen up.

Okay, I’m breathing now.  That’s a good thing, right? *smiles and laughs a bit*  Still, let’s take some time to try and fully get back down to earth.

Alright.  So, it’s been about 45 minutes, now.  I’ve taken a shower, made some more tea, and my brain seems to have “rebooted,” itself.

Before I continue, I will also add that it’s been a really stressful, non-stop day, this wasn’t a seizure as I know the difference regarding my DP/DR very well between both dissociative states, I was bawling my eyes out last night for about a half hour that people could attribute words to–but I could not.  I didn’t quite know what was going on, but I guess it was an outpouring of a lot of “stuff,” when I found out I got the unit.

Now, there is a point to me writing about dissociating as it was actually occurring.  A couple, really.

I wanted to give anyone out there who doesn’t know what dissociation can be like (or those who can), a little bit of an idea of what it can be like for me.  Although, it may not always be like that.  Still, that’s a really good picture of a case that’s not so mild.

The second reason is that I found myself, much to my surprise, listed here.  I don’t really consider myself that much of a DID blogger, what with all of my other diagnoses.  Also, I don’t hold a DID diagnosis.  PTSD, absolutely.  And true, they can be linked.  And true, I have had flashbacks and, clearly, I can dissociate.

But hang on.  DID does exist as a standalone diagnosis.  Yet, it falls within a “category,” of Dissociative Disorders.  Guess where you can slot me in? Dissociative Amnesia! That’s why I can barely recall a thing from childhood, into my teen years, and even my adult ones! My worst flashback to date, had something to do with an event when I was in my mid-20s.

I’m not looking for another “label.”  I’ll be honest, too.  I already knew about my Dissociative Amnesia.  I just thought I’d share that little “technical,” detail with you guys, as well.