I got it.  I got the unit at the Co-op.  Thus, you now won’t have to keep reading about me trying to find a place to live.  Those aren’t the loss of words I’m talking about, however.  What I mean is, there are lots of words, that can’t even definitively be the words, I can use as words, to begin to describe it all.

How do you like that one? I’ll try to put something together, though.

This all happened over five days.  I found the ad by sheer chance.  I won’t say, “luck.”

Five days of…okay: fear, panic, confusion, rumination, numbness, anxiety, trying to appear “normal,” and hide anything going on inside me, anything that was going on inside me wreaking psychosomatic havoc, loss of concentration to the point of simply staring, and becoming immobilized, staring at nothing and/or becoming immobilized for…well, “just because?”

How’d I do? After writing all of that, I actually did end up sort of, “losing it.”  My eyes got blurry, and my head started to droop down.  For a couple of minutes.  I’m still not quite “here.”  I’m typing very slowly, with maybe a couple of seconds passing between keystrokes.

I just “froze up,” for 4-5 minutes (again), before I could type “keystrokes.”  This is some pretty, heavy dissociation.  If you look at that list up there, you’ll see some more evidence of it, too?

I haven’t felt like this in a while.  I think I need to stop for a bit, and catch my breath.  Literally.  I’m still kind of out of it, and before, I felt I couldn’t quite inhale any air.  You see? Pretty frozen up.

Okay, I’m breathing now.  That’s a good thing, right? *smiles and laughs a bit*  Still, let’s take some time to try and fully get back down to earth.

Alright.  So, it’s been about 45 minutes, now.  I’ve taken a shower, made some more tea, and my brain seems to have “rebooted,” itself.

Before I continue, I will also add that it’s been a really stressful, non-stop day, this wasn’t a seizure as I know the difference regarding my DP/DR very well between both dissociative states, I was bawling my eyes out last night for about a half hour that people could attribute words to–but I could not.  I didn’t quite know what was going on, but I guess it was an outpouring of a lot of “stuff,” when I found out I got the unit.

Now, there is a point to me writing about dissociating as it was actually occurring.  A couple, really.

I wanted to give anyone out there who doesn’t know what dissociation can be like (or those who can), a little bit of an idea of what it can be like for me.  Although, it may not always be like that.  Still, that’s a really good picture of a case that’s not so mild.

The second reason is that I found myself, much to my surprise, listed here.  I don’t really consider myself that much of a DID blogger, what with all of my other diagnoses.  Also, I don’t hold a DID diagnosis.  PTSD, absolutely.  And true, they can be linked.  And true, I have had flashbacks and, clearly, I can dissociate.

But hang on.  DID does exist as a standalone diagnosis.  Yet, it falls within a “category,” of Dissociative Disorders.  Guess where you can slot me in? Dissociative Amnesia! That’s why I can barely recall a thing from childhood, into my teen years, and even my adult ones! My worst flashback to date, had something to do with an event when I was in my mid-20s.

I’m not looking for another “label.”  I’ll be honest, too.  I already knew about my Dissociative Amnesia.  I just thought I’d share that little “technical,” detail with you guys, as well.

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  1. Kevin

    Okay PA, let’s get real for a second, shall we? You didn’t find the ad by sheer chance. You found it because you needed to and made it your business to find it.

    You have to love it when a plan comes together. No, it’s not as easy as it was for the A-Team. Fear, panic, confusion, rumination, numbness, anxiety, trying to appear “normal,” well, that’s you sweating the details and making sure it happened. I can understand how you feel, you kind of describe what I’ve felt countless times over the last years. Stress, all that fear & panic & stuff, and with success I can hardly believe it, it doesn’t feel real, I don’t feel real. I desperately want to celebrate but I don’t know how, can’t process it. No, showers don’t help. I’m being carried in the air by a cloud – huh? What did you say?

    Give it a name, give it a category. Sometimes I feel so insecure, like I don’t amount to much. And anytime I do something right or actually do amount to something, it’s beyond to accept, and I don’t feel a part of this planet. But, put simply, congratulations, I’m so happy this happened for you. You made it happen. It’s all you. Enjoy your eunuch at the co-op. I mean unit, really.

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  2. Glad you got the co-op and you have your living situation sorted (or starting to be sorted).

    And thanks for that term, dissociative amnesia. I never knew there was a term for the loss of memory from my first 18 or 20 years.

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  3. Yay to you and Aspie penguin having somewhere to live!! I am so pleased after all of the stress you have finally got something sorted :-)
    This dissociative amnesia thing sounds interesting. I remember very little from when i was a kid and whenever ive been in my real shit phases when i was at college and uni i remember barely anything. I thought that was utterly normal? Anyway i know sweet FA about this amnesia thing so i will have a bit of a look out of curiousity. I certainly dont want “another” (lol!) label even if it does fit in some way but i reckon it would be worth looking up just for my education regardless.
    Oh and yay again to you having a place to live!! When can you move in? x

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  4. Hi Kevin. Thanks hon, and again, I can agree with a lot of what you say. This is taking a lot out of me so forgive me if I’m a bit brief.

    Well, I still say by chance, as I was looking at so many other places. Co-ops that don’t have “open waiting lists,” as opposed to ones with units available immediately??? So, if I just didn’t happen to check that website when I did? It would have been gone.

    Yes, the processing of all this is really hard right now. Not just because of the “five days,” thing. There are underlying factors. Several. So, I’ve got that to deal with. That said, it’s not only the stress that can trigger the PTSD that leads to the dissociation that I wrote about. The other factors at play are primary factors for the everlovin’ fun of PTSD, too!

    Although, in reading your last paragraph, that is totally true, as well. Take my PTSD out of the picture, and I know those feelings intimately!

    Hi katm. Thank you too, doll. Plus, you’re welcome for the tip off to Dissociative Amnesia. There are five under the “Umbrella.”

    Depersonalization Disorder, Dissociative Amnesia, Dissociative Fugue, Dissociative Identity Disorder, and Dissociative Disorder-NOS. So, there you go!

    Hi Black or White. Thanks, as well, hon. Yep, it looks like Aspie Penguin and I finally have new digs.

    Regarding the Dissociative Amnesia, it took me a while to sort that out, and add it into the mix. It’s like you thinking of things as “normal.” Hell, I was in denial that I even had PTSD for so many years!

    I knew my memory loss was so severe that it WAS due to trauma. That was simple. But once I finally got my stupid head to clue in to the PTSD? Oh, yeah…that might make a little more sense!

    More sense? Little pieces of memory that came back. Alright, flashbacks, but nothing “traumatic.” At least the memories weren’t. PA…your stupid head still isn’t paying attention!

    I now think it was like the beginning of the PTSD starting to take shape, form. Maybe to emerge? Because my memories were so deeply buried. Both having my memories locked up so tightly, and the dissociation were ways of protecting myself from the trauma I experienced. That’s how PTSD works.

    Then bigger things would happen. I started paying attention. Memories or flashbacks would occur that had more meaning, were more emotionally laden, were more scary! At that point, I simultaneously figured out the dissociation, and how that fit into the past and the present.

    After that, things really began to click and I “get it,” now. Well, as much as I can.

    PTSD and its accompanying flashbacks and dissociation, cannot really be “controlled,” so much. Something can happen to act as a trigger, and away you go! Sometimes, you may not even be aware of what the trigger was! It may take some time to take stock afterward, to try and figure it out. God, sometimes you may not find out at all!

    Similar but different to Bipolar? However, with my Bipolar, I’m much more aware of (potential), triggers there, and I have my meds to keep it modulated. You can try and work with PTSD by taking meds, but ultimately, therapy is the only way.

    When do I move? April 29th. Although, I have the keys so I’ve already taken possession.
    x

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