Archive for May, 2011


I find it’s very interesting that I can type a lot faster when in this state.  Sure, there may be a few typos, but my fingers move like the demons in my head, across the keyboard, nonetheless.

Stop.

This post is about something.  Not just your typing.

Tomorrow is going to be rough.  Two doctors, getting past the agora…wait, you don’t know that one from “The List.”

I couldn’t sleep last night due to this, and I don’t know if I will be able to tonight.

My Clobazam/Frisium.  Can my Neuro get it since Big Pharma is withholding it from all the pharmacies? If he can’t, is it available through hospitals? I’ll go inpatient tomorrow! But I have to see my GP, too.

Because I have to see if I have I have Osteoporosis.  Or anything resembling it? And talk about a lot more of “stuff.”

So, a lot of co-ordination and calls and appts. and not knowing where I’m going and…yeah.  And call my pharmacy to see if Big Pharma is doing this with any other drugs? Is it just my Clobazam/Frisium (that would be their manufacturer Novopharm, the goddamn, fucking bastards!)

So here I sit.  I haven’t even taken my meds (well, a Valium), but it took me hours to get a very restless sleep last night.  Right now, I feel like I’ll be up forever.

So, here I sit on my “quiet floor,” where I think I may be the loudest person–blasting Depeche Mode.  I think I’ll turn it up now.

Here’s a tune for you.  If you know me, it’s me.  If you don’t feel the same way, it’s still me.

“Sometimes” by Depeche Mode


The manufacturer of my Clobazam/Frisium is not sending out the drug anywhere until maybe mid-July.  Maybe? I can’t explain it but there’s a political fight for rights of pharmacists or some damn thing.

I have enough to carry me to Sunday morning.  Just called Non-Arsey Neuro who is out of the office until Monday.  I explained everything to his Admin.  Maybe she can get to him before Monday? Maybe he can get some? Maybe hospitals have some? Hope I won’t have to end up in hospital.  Just sayin’.

Cold turkey off any med is bad.  And we’re using this for the Typical Absence Status Epilepticus.  Which is really bad.  It makes me very sick.  And we’ve been making great progress.  And I’m on 60mg a day and that’s high.  We’ve had to make it that high.

I don’t know if I can go off it for a month and a half or who knows how long? What may happen? Just the above or anything else? *scared*

I’m already so bye-bye online and that right now.  But if I maybe go even more bye-bye, this will probably be the/another reason.  And I thought my migraine today was bad enough. *beyond scared and panicking now*


Everything’s still kind of messy around here.  My blog and not commenting.  Twitter Follows.  My Inbox is a disaster.  Me? Oh, yeah.  Me.  And that list of “stuff.”

Well, here’s one on the list.  Maybe whittled down from other “stuff,” that it’s tied to? Agoraphobia.  I can’t really leave the main intersection right out front of my building.  Unless I’m in a car with someone?

Well, still having problems with the online world and that.  Online Agoraphobia? Should that be one for the up-and-coming DSM-V?

I do sort of want to get this post out though.  A little pub/cafe with free Wi-Fi.  They seem to like me there.  They give me take away beer in a brown bag.  Yes, you read that correctly.

Never in my life.  Anywhere.  Seriously.  Also, highly on the Q.T., and highly illegal.

So, on my patio (yeah, something about my wee place), enjoying a bottle of suds right now.


It’s been about three weeks since I moved.  I guess I took a “Self-enforced Blogging Break,” without announcing it to you, or even to me.  I didn’t expect this.  It just “happened.”  As time went by.  I’ve even made a list of reasons (so far), why I couldn’t face my blog or even Twitter.  And beyond that? Whoa.  Just looking at this now is making my heart race so fast.  I’m freaking out.  Totally.

But I’m here now? For now? Maybe post that list sometime later? Maybe look at my Twitter Follows that I see are all sitting in my Inbox? Stream a song on MP3 of the Moment? Yeah, I think I can do that last one.

“De Profundis (Out of the Depths of Sorrow)” by Dead Can Dance

Take care,
PA