Archive for June 4th, 2011

I had mentioned before that after several weeks of being offline after moving, I didn’t know how to come back.  It was in a brief post that really didn’t say very much.  Just that I didn’t know how to come back, a lot had happened beyond my control, I’d made a list, and I was freaking out about merely touching my blog.

Well, I’m obviously back.  This is the third post I’ve written in a row for three days? That would seem to indicate that I’m actually back.  Yes?

I’m not sure.  Last night, and earlier this morning (i.e. when I first woke up), my original thoughts were to not bother signing in at all.  Anywhere.  Just disappear.  Again.  That would be for some of these reasons on this list, and for being so sick now.  I just wanted to isolate myself.  Run away and hide from the online world.  To somehow make it balance out with how much I feel like a caged animal in the real world.

Some of the reasons on the list are more or less resolved, because I wrote them around mid-May.  Some of them are ongoing.  I’m still dealing with them.  They will just resolve themselves with time? It’s obviously been some time since I wrote this list, but I said I would post it before.  I like to keep my word.  I will make edits as necessary.  Also, this post is quite long.

Reasons I Couldn’t Come Back Online in No Specific Order:

– A cutting.  A different experience this time around.  Maybe worthy of a blog post? Although, I am NOT happy I did it!

– Getting audited for my taxes I submitted earlier in the year.  WTF??? Never in my life! No wonder my return wasn’t coming despite watching my bank account like a hawk! (EDIT: this is just some “random” thing.  Nonetheless, great timing, YAY ME!!!)

– Getting stuck in MAJOR PTSD Hell (three different elements there.)  A couple I am still living with on a regular basis.  The other provided me with some different insight.  Which was both good and bad.  If I can phrase it that way? Definitely would require posts to explain all of that business.

– Fights and upsets with both my friends J. and P.

J. is an ass, and we’ve had serious blow outs where I’ve had to question our friendship continuing (not sure if you know that history.)  P.??? We never have any issues! Great timing again for a first one!

– baby MacBook almost died to the point of requiring service.  Requiring money I do not have.

– Fighting with the stoopid guvmunt to hopefully get more money (not related to the audit.)

– Running around for more medical appts. for the stoopid guvmunt to hopefully get more money.

– I’m sick.  Gastro. issues.  I was way before, but I didn’t notice.  Things were too hectic and too busy.  Now, I’m noticing! Gastro Man wants to wait to see me until I’ve seen the Hematologist in June (re: the anemia.)

– The Bone Density Scan. (EDIT: to keep this one simple, negative, no Osteo-anything.)

– More about being sick.  I’m gaining weight at a rapid pace! I was barely hanging on to the high 90’s a few months ago, but Non-Arsey Neuro’s scale said 110lbs.  Then, two days later for the Bone Density Scan, it said 115lbs.  Five pounds in two days??? How is that even possible??? MORE PTSD!!! Everything is looking like malabsorption, I’m anemic, my Vit. D is so low! I’ve stopped eating altogether.*

– Not having anyone who understands, feeling so alone, isolated, lonely, not a part of anything, so if I did come back, would the online world be the same (HUGE FEAR.)  I even thought of taking my blog down (seriously, for good this time.)  Now that’s NEVER happened! I just felt, “What did it matter? What’s the point?”

– Not adjusting well to my new surroundings, even though I know the area.  Severe agoraphobia, so much that I can’t leave the intersection in front of my building–except for my doctors, and for scripts where I have no choice.  This results in more fear, panic, anxiety because I can’t go further than one intersection from where I live! (EDIT: I’ve always been in cars, but did make it out once for DIRE medical necessity.)

– Asperger’s Hell due to not adjusting to my new surroundings and “change.”  I can’t follow my regular behaviours, patterns, routines, even “rituals,” if you wish.

– Picking up my scripts requires me back to go back to my old neighbourhood.  It’s not far away, but when I do go and see it, I get so sad and upset, I want to cry.  I miss it, as I can’t live there anymore.

– Where’s my Social Worker??? (EDIT: I have finally reached her after about six weeks.  She was going to discharge me.  Now, she has seen how much of a wreck I still am.  Now, she is no longer discharging me.)

– I can’t write or read! I can’t do anything! Yeah, I know.  It means I’m depressed, my ADD’s running full throttle, it’s amazing I haven’t gone into a massive Bipolar cycling spree! (EDIT: I did manage to write and read on a day or two in May.  Whatever.)

– Trying to budget (with severe Dyscalculia), since I ended up getting audited, I’m still not getting full payment from the stoopid guvmunt, and I’ve had to buy new things for moving–MOST unexpectedly.

* – That weight gain? I thought it was some kind of bizarre, medical mystery.  Not so.  It took me a bit, but it has everything to do with what I wrote here, regarding Night Eating Syndrome.  It can cause A LOT of weight gain, and sometimes very quickly.

I’ve been dealing with it for…I can’t even remember how long.  The only way to stop it, is to start eating “properly.”  The only problem is, people get so ashamed, feel so terrible about the weight gain, they begin to starve themselves (if they already weren’t before.)  That just exacerbates the problem.  And of course, it just exacerbates my problem.

Alright.  “The List” is finally posted.