I don’t even know what to call it.  Ugliness? Or maybe I’ve got the direction wrong.  I’m way at the bottom not the top of things.

It’s been a week off the Clobazam/Frisium now.  I can’t believe what’s going on.  What’s happened.  I may have used up all of my words and thoughts for that last comment so maybe I’ll just type here.  Tell you.

Yesterday was the worst.  For my head anyway.  But my body? Food’s now gone.  Out of the question.  Not exactly “proper dinner/table conversation” but the last time I tried to eat (a few days ago), I completely lost all bowel function in my pyjamas.  Seriously.  As soon as I put down my measly meal, I felt a stomach cramp, and…

Oops.  Wee PA had wee accident.

Right now? I’m drinking a bit of tea but I kind of don’t care for it.  In fact, straight for the ginger ale after I had half of my first tea.

My head? I was too out of it and retarded to realize I was having Simple partials all along.  At least with that Thermoregulation jazz that happened after my first tonic-clonic.  Right.  Those would be Autonomic.  Then some pin-prick feelings.  Yep.  Another type.  Then another obvious one a few days ago.  Olfactory.  And yesterday.  That was a beauty.  A big, fat one.  Right on the heels of…

Let’s talk about my sleep.  One Simple partial.  One tonic-clonic, and yesterday.  Another tonic-clonic and later in the morning, the eyes start blinking, I’m going blind, the jaw starts twitching, epigastric rising.  Virtually non-functional all day and today, still pretty goddamn rough.  Wonder Cane to walk everywhere.

It looks like some pills are coming in from suppliers but nothing concrete from them all still! I’m not fucking touching one pill until I can find out if they are available inpatient! I can’t re-start and then quit again.  No one can fucking tell me! I fail to understand why this is so bloody difficult.

What? Short of me crawling into Emerg. on my hands and knees, how am figure it? If they don’t have it, I may as well stay here kick’in and a’freakin’ and a’thrashin’ all about in my own bed! That’s the problem.  They won’t be able to do anything for me.  At least my place is mine and I won’t have to deal with the noise and chaos and insanity of a hospital.  I have enough insanity going on by myself, thank ya very much! I don’t need to share yours in your bed beside me.

*pauses to breathe*

I was thinking yesterday that I now have a MUCH greater empathy for those who have more severe forms epilepsy.  Even intractable.  I have NEVER seized so much in my life and with such unpredictability! I suppose I should consider myself lucky because at least I know the reason why.


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