Archive for July, 2011

That seems to be where I’m living a lot.  Until it ends and I find myself back somewhere.  Only to discover it is yet another pause in time.

I’ve been listening to my latest acquisition from my beloved Tallis Scholars tonight.  Right now must must be an acceptable pause in time for music.  It’s only been the third time since losing my Clobazam.  Music has hurt too much during other pauses.

I think this has replaced my second favourite album, by these voices who have power over me that I cannot explain.  So, at this pause in time, what shall I give you?

Allegri? Mundy? Palestrina?

Allegri.  Definitely.

The piece is rather long, but I find so beautifully haunting.  Beautifully Haunting.  That is a pause in time where I’d like to stay for a while.  So, I will listen to this until I can’t hear it anymore.

“Miserere” by Allegri.

I’ve just finished responding to all of my outstanding comments (unless any new ones slip in.)  I think it’s taken me three hours just as am beginning to type this.  I must be having one of my “better” mornings, but I could go completely off the radar at any moment.  That actually may illustrate what I am going to tell everyone.

And the comments? Okay.  I couldn’t stand writing one more thing with yet more overflowing apologies.  But more importantly, it was the logical and orderly thing to do.  I had to respond to everyone first, before I wrote this.  Now, let’s see if I can do it and it will make sense.  I can already feel the need for it (me?) requiring lots of breaks.

Someone was still really worried about how I was managing without my Clobazam and being off it.  I am always honest on my blog, but this was in no way meant to deceive my readers.  I am back on the Clobazam.  However, I was holding off on posting about it for several reasons.  So, come on brain.  Can you think of them all? I guess that’s a big hint.

Does the order matter? Well, kind of, I suppose.  Either way, when you put them all together, what it amounted to was that I didn’t know “how” to write about it.  But for the last 24hrs, I’ve been feeling I just cannot NOT make this post.

Most of you know I was trying to stockpile enough of the drug to wait until the suppliers seemed more stable.  I was terrified to have to stop it again.  I also thought some kind of titration might be good because going off this drug has…just done…been…the mental apocalypse?

I actually have not been on the drug that long.  Relatively.  I chose my titration schedule at 20mg, 40mg, and then to my regular dose of 60mg.  I say I haven’t been on the drug that long “relatively” as let’s pause and think of me being on 20mg.  It wasn’t going to do anything!

I am now on 60mg.  But hold your horses, don’t start waving flags, anything like that.  I am still very sick and “weird” things are happening–beyond the “regular weird.”  Or sometimes the “regular weird” goes away.  Then it may come back a bit.  Still, it’s all mixed up with the…let’s just call it the “other weird.”  So, this has been a definite problem for me to write a post about going back on the drug.

I don’t know where I’m going! Are things working (i.e. today being a “better” morning!) Am I still in just as rough shape as before? Am I still having seizures? Food is not so bad one day (although strict monitoring for sensitivity!) Food is out of the question another day! Mobility better one day! Mobility so bad one day I wanted to toss Wonder Cane’s brother off the patio where I’m two storeys above the street!

I think you get the picture.  At 40mg I thought I’d be more stable.  Oh, this is charming.  Remember the two Complex Partials where I had to duct tape my locks? Turn me into a prisoner within my own home? Those happened on 40mg!!!

I never told you how “interesting” they were.  Torn up paper in balls from my notepad (nothing written on them.)  The second night I was screaming like I was a member of the mafia, possibly yelling about the paper! Hey! Maybe I was a spy and maybe “sensitive information” was written on them with “Invisible Ink!” My next door neighbour thought someone was breaking into my apartment because of my insane behaviour! It was me “breaking into my apartment.”  This at 40mg.

At 60mg, I’m doing this 180 degree business where I listed some of those things above.  My memory is still so incredibly bad.  Retrograde.  For example, I went to empty the trash in the bathroom and I found THREE CLOBAZAM PILLS IN THE WASTE BASKET!!!  How on earth??? There are other things, too.  It’s not that extreme.  With prompts, I may remember things, but some other times it’s like…huh?

Oh, my moods.  More 180? At this point? Oh, bloody hell.  Sometimes things can be all right with the world.  Everything’s fine.  I was even laughing so hard at myself for being a TOTAL Aspie Literal Spaz.  Someone said something on the television and I didn’t get it all.  Then, there are the slow (or really fast!) descents into madness.  I don’t know if they’re as bad as before, but at times this has really driven me to the brink.  I mean, almost completely broken me.

Although, here’s a rather amusing one? My remote control for my television stopped working.  I freaked out so much, I started yelling at it.  This is not at all PA behaviour.  Yelling at a remote control for an electronic component? Well, at least I fixed it.  Then I started talking to it about how I happy I was.  So, there you go.

I’ve been on 60mg for about a week.  I ramped up pretty fast from the 20mg and the 40mg, as I saw they didn’t seem to doing me any favours.  Did this mess me up so bad it…  It’s not a new drug.  It’s not foreign to my system.  Frighteningly enough, the withdrawal can be worse with a higher dose, and the higher the dose…poop out! Well, maybe not completely.  I’ll just need more?

And need more time? If ANYTHING becomes damaged or already is, I’m going to freak out more than yelling at my remote control.  Please, no.  Actually, I’ll be freaking out because I’ll be so scared.

So, I’m back on the med.  But I’m nowhere near “progress.”  I don’t think? Heh.  “Think.”  Anyway, still sick.  Yup.

Yeah, here I am again…I’m gonna get back to everyone still.  I promise! But as per subject line?

No, not mine.  But it may as well be?

My friend J.’s sister flew in from Paris a couple of days ago.  Primary reason to assist her father with his will and affairs and shit.  Also to visit.

A lot of you may not know, but my friend J. went totally bonkers (ironically almost a year ago) and his sister flew in to eventually help me with “Damage Control.”  Ever since, their relationship has been strained fucked strained.  I can’t even begin to tell you what he’s put me through (during, before and after that.)  But we still talk.

His sister and I have an ongoing joke.  Which is actually true.  When idiot J. lost everything and she came over, the only good that came out of it was that we became so close.

She and I talked yesterday.  Pops was doing fine.  Today? Pops may not make it through the night.  Not only am I upset for her, but…erm…J.?

He knew she was coming over but gave NO indication of wanting to see her.  I remained silent regarding knowing she was coming.

NOW??? His sister is the only one who he IS BARELY CAPABLE OF HAVING ANY FORM OF A FAMILIAL RELATIONSHIP WITH!!! And obviously that’s not working out so well.  He hates his one brother who his sister has already told.  That brother is going to be there every step of the way.

Are you getting the picture of how I fit in here? Or several pictures? Maybe there are pictures that nobody can see?

Right now it’s 24/7! Immediate, even 911 response! She left him a message fucking hours ago! Nothing.  I even checked my email.

I told her I’d do anything, everything needed! I don’t give a toss about my stupid head and being screwed over from my loss of Clobazam!

And yeah, also along with that whole stuff about 24/7, emergency response…I still haven’t forgotten about you.  It probably just means that this next week might entail who knows what.

I think I’m gonna heave now.  Even though I just took a Gravol…an hour ago? All of this shit needs to stop.

It appears my wee PA has decided to make a couple of more appearances on her blog.  She even signed on to Twitter to talk.  Now she has forgotten what she said somewhere.  I will need to help her sign back on to find it, but we can do that later.  More importantly, I think this proves that she is not quite so clear regarding her mental faculties.  Nor her physical ones, either.

So, I have come here to tell you a few things.

  1. No matter how long it may take her to compose anything online, even if it is merely one sentence, it stands to have a significantly high probability that her words will make little sense.
  2. As you may or may not know, wee PA can be ridiculously stubborn.  Even to the point of believing she can get 5,000 mules to climb the Swiss Alps in one hour.  Thus, she may take on too much regarding things online.  This is completely unrealistic as she does not have the capability for it.  See point #1.
  3. Today, she felt even more guilty about not responding to people online.  This, after writing the first post that made her feel guilty enough.  That was one week ago.  After she wrote her post last night, the first thing she did after waking up was get on her blog to reply to someone! Anyone! This is an ongoing problem.  No matter how slow she may think she is regarding her blogging habits with her readers, 24 hours to her can actually feel like 24 days.  I will need to monitor her carefully to make sure she does not go over the edge! See point #2.
  4. Wee PAs mental state is a little strange at this point.  One moment, she should be given the Nobel Prize for the most razor sharp insights, obtained with diamond-like vision.  Due to everything that is going on, please trust me.  I assure you, she is lucid when these things occur.  Then, in another moment, she is not walking through an emotional minefield, she actually is the mine.  Here, it may be worthwhile to see all the points above.

I think that is all I have to say.  Although, there are a lot of times when she would really like to communicate with people.  Unfortunately, it is still very challenging right now.  She is still quite sick.

We will handle it slowly.  Since this all started, everything has needed to be dealt with on a day-to-day basis.  That fact has not changed.

In a little while, I think I will help her have a bath.  She can in no way have a shower! We need to pay special attention to this next one, too.  She lost her balance a little the last time.  Luckily, there were no injuries.  However, later in the day she hit her head.  Being her typical, stubborn self, she refused to wait for me to help her take out the garbage.  She stood up and her head landed squarely on the kitchen counter.

Sometimes I really wonder if I get paid enough to do this.  Oh, but I love her.  Love is all that matters in the end, correct?

I said I’d come back and respond to everyone.  And more.  I promised.  With my next post?

Maybe I’m not lying because I’m still…okay, just crazy, nuts sick.  But here I am, without doing any of the things I said I would do before.  Why.

I got rather a shock today that is fucking up my already fucked up head.  I don’t know how it might involve blogging and online communication.  But due to the shock and my rather fucked up head, it might definitely affect it and…erm…me?

Out of the blue, I got an email from non-bio dad wanting to “re-connect.”  I can’t remember, but I think it’s been four years since we last communicated.  Of course the email was full of so much drama.  Well, I was so stunned when I saw the damn thing it took a while to see his pattern of…oh, yeah.

Jesus Christ.

Like I need this now.  Like I need this ever!

I’m just writing this now because a) I don’t know if I’ll be more screwy because of it and b) there are only a few people who can understand the unbelievable gravity of this.  I don’t know if I can talk to any of them about it, so no choice.  Put it on my blog.