Archive for October, 2011

Ah, this isn’t too much of a brain-blasting post.  Easy enough to write.

Recently, after seven agonizing and painful months, I finally received what I should be given by the stoopid guvmunt.  There is one benefit that I qualify for (outside of the basic figure others would get.)  That has already been accepted.  There was another I was also receiving, but this time the process requires a different form.  Let’s hope it goes through successfully! It gives me a fair, additional figure each month.  Who knows what else I may acquire? This has all happened just recently!

Without going into how our crazy system works, and even my monthly figure (sorry, kids–that’s rather private!) I received a “surprise” I did not know of regarding the legislation.  Rumours abound, until Grocery Man told me.  He’s worked in the system for years.  He’s now retired.

When I crunch the numbers, even with my pathetic, Dyscaluliac brain, it doesn’t matter.  A four-year-old could see it.  Perhaps like playing that game when you look up and stare at the clouds.  The shapes.  Do they look like anything? How about that one? It sort of looks like an airplane.

Yep.  PA can get on a plane and take a vacation! Get a break from all of this, and gee, maybe have some fun? *laughs*

I haven’t taken a vacation in…god, maybe six years? Not that I’ll be doing this all the time.  I’m not getting thousands and thousands of dollars from the stoopid guvmunt.  But save, save, save…

Also, the trips will be the cheapest (and the best?) Those when you’ve got someone to meet you on the other end! *grins*

“Judas” by Depeche Mode

Before I touched anything else in my unit (even molesting the Earl of Grey) I had to begin writing this.  And hopefully complete it.  Every slug on the planet is moving faster than I am.  If I actually hit “Publish” then I may only be capable of touching a pillow.

True, Freedom of Speech is always my mantra, but “Freedom of My Own Useless Asshole Speech?” I’m sorry.  Since it is, by right, my own free speech, I feel I should be allowed to have at least some control over it.

Let’s look at two of my last recent entries on Twitter, shall we? The first is abominable!

Decision tonight. May not come out right. Feel how you feel about me, like love or even hate. I will feel in manner to my health. It may seem to exclude you. Not my intent. If I remain so disabled as now a certain time may come.

Pray tell, readers.  And what doth thee say unto thus?

Are you fucking kidding me??? Fine.  I’m sick.  I’m seriously, seriously sick.  I’m obviously trying to get that point across.  However, what the hell does the part about how you feel regarding me have any relevance to that?!

I will feel in manner to my health.”  Okay, that’s maybe me trying to somehow say, “I need to focus on that.”  A tad obvious as some days it’s so bad, I can’t get out of bed and I’m on a steady diet of Gravol, Valium and Ibuprophen.

It may seem to exclude you.”  Uhhh…maybe some slap in the face if I can’t be so on the ball? That’s really mean, though!

But “exclude?” Now when on earth have I excluded anyone on my blog? Surely under these circumstances when I’m so bloody ill, I haven’t been so great with time.  I would like to hope people would be understanding regarding that.  But “exclusion?” No.  Ain’t EVER gonna happen in PA Land.

Finally, le Piece de Resistance.  “If I remain so disabled as now a certain time may come.”  Oooh…spooky…ominous…and it’s not even Halloween yet! Nice sort of bizarre “threat” or something, PA.  I mean, it certainly could have been interpreted by someone like that! *slaps forehead*

Next up:

Have you ever felt extremely, purely evil? Right down to the core? All that you are? Pity if not. It’s fantastic!!! Glorious. #medchange

First, note the hashtag.  These were both written while I had literally just started increasing my Clobazam.  That did play a role.  As I always say with anything mental, and your actions:“It’s a reason, not an excuse.”

Now, it may be hard to grasp, but this entry is completely, and honestly true.  Right in the moment.  However, you must also understand that nothing would have resulted from those feelings.  How do I know? It’s “simple.”

Everybody around here knows that I am not a violent person and my illnesses and disorders do not make me “ragey” in any way (some on the Spectrum can, for example–not to point fingers.)  Throughout all of this loss of Clobazam business, I did actually feel “violent” but all I did was throw a bottle of pills across the kitchen! That’s the worst “outward” display I’ve ever had! You all  know it’s “inward.” Self-harm.

So, above.  Why so “simple?” After a few days of thinking, I believe it was a Simple partial seizure of the psychic origin.  It seems almost certain, as I have had two that have altered my perception of self to such an incredible magnitude (i.e. I am not “really” myself.) Then, the immediate euphoria is HUGE.

Do any of you guys remember when I had a Simple partial and believed I was a form of AI (Artificial Intelligence?) I thought THAT was incredible! Being Satan’s prodigy was off the charts.

If there ever was a time to stream it would be now. However, that would mean turning on baby MacBook. That would require energy. ftp and all of that.

This post and my last have been from my phone. So maybe my own MP3 of the Moments in beddy?

But more to come. Definitely.

Oh god! I’m so worked up I think I need a Valium! *shakes head*

Tomorrow’s the big day. I have compiled all of my notes for my appt. with Non-Arsey Neuro tomorrow. I have also killed a highlighter to draw out the salient points. Why the hell didn’t I just print the reams and reams on bright yellow paper?

Five months of inexplicable insanity. The loss of my Clobazam. Back on my regular dose. Still so damn sick.

I have no idea how much time we’ll have together. There are some other really funky things I actually may have caught. Like myself having a couple of “pure” Absence seizures. I have “disappeared” and it does not fit with any of my epilepsy DP/DR. Not my PTSD dissociation. It’s too brief for a Complex Partial and lacks other features of that kind of seizure for me.

There are so many other bizarre things to cover as well. October has been like some sort of “regression” month. I’m somehow back to being sick in ways I was when things started. Maybe my brain’s just had it and is saying, “Fuck you! Fuck this shit! I’ve had enough until I get more of this drug!!!”

Which will be the entire point of the whole meeting. I already have my number in mind. Not extreme but quick enough to work with, then see if I need to go way over the top.

We’ll see.

Just when the last post I was going to write about was being sick and me “disappearing” from blogging–I get sick.  I can no longer tell if there’s too much irony in my life.

But a quickie here.  I thought it would be interesting to try and tally up all the seizures re: losing the Clobazam before seeing Non-Arsey Neuro.  I have an appt. next week.

I have finally completed my report!!! Granted, October is still ongoing.  Not to mention, October has been virtually inexplicable.  It’s like I’ve had a “relapse” or something that has turned back time.  I’m back to being sick in ways like I was in June and July.

That’s not all.  There is some weird “seizure” activity that I…well, I’m obviously at a loss for words to describe it! So, I’ve just chunked everything together, then counted the events as best I could to separate them, then drawn the monthly tally that way.

I won’t bother with the monthly numbers, but even with my insane Dyscalculia I could work this out.  Simple averages, but not the patterns.  Again, just curious about numbers.  Further, these are only what I actually noted.  There could have been more? HA!

Over 4.5/5 months, the total is 45.  Divide that per month and you get 9.  Just to make things simple, round it down to 8, divide by 4 and you’ve got 2/week.  Is that all correct with my severely Dyscalculiac Head?


Levelled by killer migraine.  I think we’re now at five since losing my Clobazam (even though I’m now back on my regular dose.

Brain now at maximum mutiny and rebellion point.  Currently preparing for Cerebral Civil War.

Roll newsreel please.

“…duck and cover…duck and cover…”

Later kids,

Even writing post to say and see. Still setting up new phone