Before I touched anything else in my unit (even molesting the Earl of Grey) I had to begin writing this.  And hopefully complete it.  Every slug on the planet is moving faster than I am.  If I actually hit “Publish” then I may only be capable of touching a pillow.

True, Freedom of Speech is always my mantra, but “Freedom of My Own Useless Asshole Speech?” I’m sorry.  Since it is, by right, my own free speech, I feel I should be allowed to have at least some control over it.

Let’s look at two of my last recent entries on Twitter, shall we? The first is abominable!

Decision tonight. May not come out right. Feel how you feel about me, like love or even hate. I will feel in manner to my health. It may seem to exclude you. Not my intent. If I remain so disabled as now a certain time may come.

Pray tell, readers.  And what doth thee say unto thus?

Are you fucking kidding me??? Fine.  I’m sick.  I’m seriously, seriously sick.  I’m obviously trying to get that point across.  However, what the hell does the part about how you feel regarding me have any relevance to that?!

I will feel in manner to my health.”  Okay, that’s maybe me trying to somehow say, “I need to focus on that.”  A tad obvious as some days it’s so bad, I can’t get out of bed and I’m on a steady diet of Gravol, Valium and Ibuprophen.

It may seem to exclude you.”  Uhhh…maybe some slap in the face if I can’t be so on the ball? That’s really mean, though!

But “exclude?” Now when on earth have I excluded anyone on my blog? Surely under these circumstances when I’m so bloody ill, I haven’t been so great with time.  I would like to hope people would be understanding regarding that.  But “exclusion?” No.  Ain’t EVER gonna happen in PA Land.

Finally, le Piece de Resistance.  “If I remain so disabled as now a certain time may come.”  Oooh…spooky…ominous…and it’s not even Halloween yet! Nice sort of bizarre “threat” or something, PA.  I mean, it certainly could have been interpreted by someone like that! *slaps forehead*

Next up:

Have you ever felt extremely, purely evil? Right down to the core? All that you are? Pity if not. It’s fantastic!!! Glorious. #medchange

First, note the hashtag.  These were both written while I had literally just started increasing my Clobazam.  That did play a role.  As I always say with anything mental, and your actions:“It’s a reason, not an excuse.”

Now, it may be hard to grasp, but this entry is completely, and honestly true.  Right in the moment.  However, you must also understand that nothing would have resulted from those feelings.  How do I know? It’s “simple.”

Everybody around here knows that I am not a violent person and my illnesses and disorders do not make me “ragey” in any way (some on the Spectrum can, for example–not to point fingers.)  Throughout all of this loss of Clobazam business, I did actually feel “violent” but all I did was throw a bottle of pills across the kitchen! That’s the worst “outward” display I’ve ever had! You all  know it’s “inward.” Self-harm.

So, above.  Why so “simple?” After a few days of thinking, I believe it was a Simple partial seizure of the psychic origin.  It seems almost certain, as I have had two that have altered my perception of self to such an incredible magnitude (i.e. I am not “really” myself.) Then, the immediate euphoria is HUGE.

Do any of you guys remember when I had a Simple partial and believed I was a form of AI (Artificial Intelligence?) I thought THAT was incredible! Being Satan’s prodigy was off the charts.


  1. I believe it was a Simple partial seizure of the psychic origin….i love that part and completely understand


  2. Hi diaryofamadanxietypatient. Good to meet you as I’ve got a few comments from you here.

    Oh, boy. So, you know what it’s like, then? I think that may have only been my third with some bizarre, euphoric state in the midst. I can’t always tell due to the degree of altered consciousness. However, I have a veritable encyclopedia of SPs. Hell, seizures in general?

    But if you want to talk “funny?” The best are my gelastics. Instantly struck by nothing that is funny at all, then doubled over laughing so hard I’m almost in pain. Maybe even tears streaming out of my eyes!

    It will eventually stop and I’ll sit straight back up, a seemingly regular expression on my face. I’ll look like nothing happened at all.

    Although, if I have them these days, I’ll still be laughing a bit afterward. That’s just because I find them totally hilarious.


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