Hi folks,

I know.  A lot of (non)talk from me lately.  I’m having some problems in my head.  Obviously?

I usually write about myself when I’m sick in rather technical terms.   I don’t express my emotions.  Lately, all I’ve said is that I’ve been “scared” to interact with everyone.  That doesn’t mean I can’t communicate at all…

…it’s just…

The emotions, feelings.  Not just the clinical. 

I was thinking today I’d like to try and write something about that.  Maybe to give you a better idea? Really write about what I’m feeling.  It might make a bit more sense?

I know I can’t do it now.   Certainly not in this instant.  But somehow part of me feels like a fool’s fool.  The court jester wearing only a suit of one single colour with no bells on her hat.

Perhaps it’s time to say more.  More than I’m “scared” or I’m “really sick.” 

Difficult? Herculean.  Atlas shrugged, but then Sisyphus knocked on my door.  In his free hand, a battered and beaten, single slipper from Mercury.

  1. Kevin

    Heya PA.

    Eh, nothing much to say today. Just that you’re going through what you’re going through. You’re ready to say what you need to say whenever you are.

    It strikes me that perhaps the emotional part is hard to say on a blog. I get the sense that you have peeps that know about your blog, which to me would make it very hard to be open about all you’d like to. I think about all the ugly grim feelings I often have and then think about sharing it in a way that my peeps could find it. I mean, my primary peep is beyond understanding, totally awesome, but I could never burden her with the truth of my emotion. The things that go through my head frequently. Truly anonymously? Sure.

    It’s really easy to say that I take 750 mg lithium and 1200 mg oxcarbazepine. It’s really easy to say that the lithium makes my hands tremor, screws up my speech, and makes it impossible for me to pee. But talk about the crap that (still) goes on in my head? Sorry, keeping it in my head.

    Say these things to who you need and trust to say them to, Dr. PA. And I’m sorry you’re so sick and scared. I’m not in the same place as you, but I certainly understand the general direction you’re coming from.

    Okay, maybe I’m just cranky because my hockey team just lost :(


  2. Hi Kevin. Not sure if you’re still checking in, but I’m slowly trying to get around to people on my blog. My hand seems to be healing a bit more so typing isn’t so bad. I just have to rest it when whatever I’m doing makes it tired or sore.

    Thanks so much for your support (as always.) I’m not sure if it’s that difficult to speak about my own feelings on my blog. I know I have in certain instances, as I have received comments from people who have stated that I am so “strong” and “brave” to speak about myself so openly. That would indicate some sharing of feelings?

    On the flip side, there’s my stupid Alexithymia! Not so “direct” with my expression? Not being able to find precise words etc. Although, similes and metaphors may work in that area. Yes, they actually do

    Indeed, there are some people out there who “get it.” I hope?

    However, in this situation, the feelings were very intense. They were (and are?) due to me being sick re: losing the Clobazam. It is not at all like me to stay offline. Sometimes, I have been so prolific, people can barely stand it!

    So, it was way more than just being “simply” scared or sick. I wanted to try and paint some sort of picture, and explain things vividly, so others would hopefully “get it” too.

    It’s written (more or less) but by hand. I’ll have to put it into Word and it’s HUGE.


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