This should have been written a very long time ago.  As the title suggests, this is why I felt so scared to be online—due to having to quit my Clobazam/Frisium cold turkey—not when I first moved and was scared to be online then.

I wanted to try and explain why I couldn’t do it via my feelings, instead of repeating the simple phrases: “I’m sick” and “I’m scared.”

However, before we proceed, there are some things you should know:

1.  This is all about me.  It has nothing to do with any of you as readers.

2.  I’m still a bit unstable in terms of making an initial increase of the med.  That means, I may be prone to more “disappearances.”

3.  I was/am not like this on a constant basis, yet I didn’t/don’t have much control.  See #2 and as you will read.

4.  I will try not to write in a clinical manner (as I tend to do a lot.)

5.  I have not felt a lot of these feelings before, and in such a fashion, so I actually think I deserve an award for staying offline, ironically.

6.  THIS IS LONG.

These feelings were intense.  At times, I was so desperate for any kind of relief.  I really felt my brain was just not capable of handling so much.  A see saw, a roller coaster? Which of the three would be crushed first? Things would change so fast. Even from one second to another.  It was unbearable (and still can be.)  These feelings can hit immediately.  Right out of nowhere.

Here, I will insert clinical.  This is regarding my epilepsy if you don’t know.

I felt lonely, isolated, confused, and so full of self-doubt.  At times, those feelings of self-doubt would turn into self-loathing.  They would grow even larger to loathing the entire world and everything in it.

I was agoraphobic.  Sometimes, that agoraphobia would spill over into feelings of paranoia.  This would be why I would have to stay away from Twitter, for example.  It would be overwhelmingly triggery.

It was like there was a huge party going on, and I never got my invitation in the mail.  If decided to go anyway, I would walk into a house with massive amounts of people whooping it up, loads of helium balloons and awesome music playing.

There would be a never ending flow of champagne or any other beverage of choice.  Even if I dared to say one word, the room would fall silent.  Everyone would stare at me like I had three heads with pig snouts, my left arm had just been sawed off, and I smelled like I was wearing a dirty diaper.  Needless to say, I would run away screaming through the host’s front door.

There would be the days where I would be incapable of leaving my bed due to such deep episodes of depression.  All would be dark and I would continually ruminate over certain things.  I could not stop no matter how I tried!

I would only get up to drink some water and go to the bathroom (I didn’t even bother with my blessed tea.)  I’d smoke endlessly, because I couldn’t do anything else.  No cognition or concentration beyond the rumination.  No TV, DVDs or books.  Are you kidding? Just enough room for some good ol’ PTSD.

My PTSD.  It shot to such insane levels that I would have tearful, emotional outbursts at the most benign things.  Sometimes, they didn’t even make sense! I freaked out when I saw a piece of fluff on the floor! I became so hypervigilant, I can’t even count the number of times I actually saw the minutes change on the clock.  I would jump in fright if the lightest thing touched my skin—real or imagined.

There were times, I would sit immobile.  I just couldn’t move.  I think during a couple of them, I simply felt “numb.”  Oh, what precious times, they were! To just feel numb.  A tiny respite. It didn’t matter how tiny, just that I could experience it.  I could feel nothing.  Nothing at all.

My Asperger’s also continued to grow exponentially.  How many periods of being non-verbal? I don’t mind being non-verbal, but one time I felt so embarrassed about it! Never am I embarrassed about any of my mental health issues! I’m a bloody Stigma Buster!

I began to have more and more meltdowns, and then began to self-flagellate for having them.  I kept beating myself up for being a “baby.”  The worse the meltdowns got, the more violent I became.  This vicious and painful cycle could only be stopped with immeasurable time.

When the meltdowns stopped, then, a new cycle would happen.  I’d start beating myself up, for beating myself for having Asperger’s.

Not surprisingly, there were continual thoughts of suicide and self-harm (cutting.)  I did no cuttings and went nowhere near suicide.  I just endured the feelings as long as they lasted, and eventually went away.

Undoubtedly, the worst negative thought I had to deal with was feeling homicidal.  Now, I think you all know that I would never kill anyone.  At least I’d like to think you wouldn’t and nor would I? Nonetheless, the fantasies and scenarios, the situations.  The plans I mapped out, and who would be my targets.  And why would they be my targets.  Very intense feelings, indeed? Moreover, even worse when you are not afraid of carrying out all that you’ve envisioned.

So, is anyone still with me?

As I mentioned in the points at the beginning, I wasn’t like this all the time.  Just a lot of the time?

There were days when I’d get up in the morning, have my tea and be full of plans and ideas; what I’d like to accomplish that day.  But then, they’d all be dashed.  As things moved into the afternoon, I couldn’t do a thing.  This became so repetitive, that it knocked all hope out of me.  I was defeated.  Over and over.  Day after day.  Every day.

I guess I’ll end things now.  Does that give everyone or anyone an idea why I was so scared to go online?

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  1. the non-verbal moments are very frustrating. We have a shutdown chart on our website, which you might find helpful.

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  2. Hi Autistics Aware. Nice to meet you and welcome. If you continue reading, welcome to the mayhem, as well.

    I’m quite comfortable when non-verbal, unless when reaching or within meltdown territory. I think that “speaks” for all of us (sorry, bad pun.)

    Thanks for the info on your site, too. I’ll have to check it out. I’ve been a huge fan of charting everything forever. It doesn’t matter what it is, or what illness, disorder. Just do it!

    Cheers,
    PA

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  3. michelle

    I am so glad you write this – I feel like you`re writing what is going on in my head… I was diagnosed bipolar, major depression, anxiety w episodes of panic – well, those are the only ones “they” agree on… I`m very – not HAPPY, but, I dont know – kinda like a zebra who grew up with horses finally seeing another zebra? I have not had good luck with meds, and am very much alone – thank you for writing :) I found your blog by googling “why can`t I believe in god” (wish I could, lol) and I liked your opinion, so… here I am! Anyway, ty again… If you want, no pressure – I have kinda hit a wall… I used to hit the bottom and bounce back and everything was fine – made money, had family, was loved and all that – but I lost everything and am stuck at the bottom… I can`t go to a dr (dont think I can handle being a guainae pig again – turns out I react very badly to a lot of popular meds) – so I thought maybe you might have some advice or something – if you want (: ty either way!

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  4. Kevin

    Hey PA, figured I’d comment a few days late. I’ve had my own overactive manias/anxieties/whatever I’ve been dealing with for a few weeks now. Not done with ’em, mind you, just taking a break from them for a couple minutes.

    Of course what you wrote describes a lot of what I’d figure a heap of your readers experience, or at least what I do myself. Okay, maybe I haven’t come up with the three-headed pig-snouted person thing (nice!), but I get what you mean. Familiar… this morning-type familiar, and last night-type familiar, and…

    In any case, I’m glad you finally managed to voice what’s been going on with you, and what a power-post! Outside of this post, it wasn’t entirely clear to me whether you were on a trend of pulling out of this or not (sorry if you’ve said so on Twitter or some other SM thing I don’t use), but I really do hope so, not so there will be more posts from you soon, mind you, but because what you’re dealing with just plain sucks to deal with. And by the way, I don’t smell your diaper.

    Okay, PA, time for me to curl up in a ball and deal with my own effed-up inner-world for a while. Wishing you the best and hoping you have a great New Year.

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  5. Hi michelle. Nice to meet you and welcome. Along with that welcome come my sincere apologies.

    I know you’ve been waiting a really long time, and I hope you’re still with me. I always respond to everyone on my blog (unless some spam sneaks in.)

    Another thing is that I rarely edit my readers’ comments. It is all Free Speech around here! When I do, it is only if something is inappropriate, or may be harmful to the readers or the commenter.

    That said, you may have noticed I removed your email address from your comment. I should have done this immediately, but just not on the ball around here!

    I did it because I didn’t want you to get spammed in any way. I also didn’t want your email address exposed to anyone and everyone who could read my blog. I actually get email addresses when notified of comments.

    So, since you asked some questions, I will definitely come back to address them. I am not ignoring you. So if you don’t see this, I will email you when I respond in that fashion.

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  6. Hi michelle. I’m back. I also want to thank you for your thoughts and feelings regarding this post and my blog. And by extension, me? I’m a zebra? Cool! *wee grin*

    I know how it feels to be alone. I’m a total hermit and do not make friends easily. I never have. It seems like nothing for some people to say, “Go on! Get out there! You’ll meet new people!” Okay. I’ll get right on that.

    Now, let’s get to the heart of your post. You’ve hit a wall, lost a lot of really important things. All that are pretty life altering. You could always bounce back. Now you say you’re stuck at the bottom. I’m just sort of repeating what you’ve written so I can keep track for my responses.

    I’m not sure when these losses occurred. Did they happen all at once, in succession, the amount of time in between? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t feel comfortable.

    I was just thinking that if they happened at different times and intervals, even in a different order, that may have been why you could bounce back. We all handle grief in our own ways, and even when the situations are different. Make no mistake–these things are losses that require a grieving process. Perhaps you are doing that, or need to, thus the feeling of being “stuck.”

    I’m just tossing the idea out there. However, I am intimately familiar with the grieving process, and until one goes through it, well, you will probably continue to be in more pain over the losses. Grief is painful too, but it is the only thing that can help us in moving ahead.

    The med issue is rough. I’ve known others that have had so many side effects from loads of them. I don’t know what you’ve tried and how they’ve affected you.

    In looking, it seems your primary diagnosis is Bipolar? However, you follow up with MDD and what appears to be some thing like GAD? I’m confused and if your doctor rhymed off all of these together, now I am both confused and most definitely not impressed!

    As always, Dr. PA is not a real doctor, but what on earth? First, Bipolar automatically “includes” Depression. That’s why it’s called BIpolar! If you’re BPI, you may have less depressive episodes than BPII, nonetheless, Depression will be part of the illness!

    The “GAD-like” stuff? That could be another diagnosis, but it should not be tackled as a separate issue. It needs to be considered along with the Bipolar. With any form of comorbidities, diagnosticians need to look at the whole picture.

    Again, not knowing what meds you’ve been on, the side effects, any combinations of them, all of this may have been a problem. You could have been taking drugs that aren’t really suitable for you.

    A lot of times certain meds don’t play well with others. This could be simply pharmacologically based or dose dependent. Although, sometimes if the meds aren’t playing nicely, another can be added to settle things down. It may sound strange, but it’s true. I know someone who takes a beta-blocker to help with tremor as a side effect of a psych med.

    I don’t know if you’ve read this on my blog, but I can’t take Antidepressants in having Bipolar. They make me go completely out of control! There are a lot of people out there who are just the same. And yet, some people with Bipolar can take ADs with no problem at all.

    But…ADs should only be used as adjuncts with Bipolar. Well, so says Dr. PA (who is not a doctor.)

    Still, I think any doctor who wasn’t out of their mind would know this. First line treatments for Bipolar are Anticonvulsants or the mood stabilizer Lithium. The Atypical Antipsychotics or even first generation ones could be considered too, but I say adjunct! Work with what’s proper first!

    Apologies for the med rant. I can get a bit ranty in that area.

    So, based upon what I have to say, maybe it would be worth it to have another look at meds. Also with a competent doctor. Moreover, let the doctor know what has happened before. Is any of this making sense?

    One last thing I can mention is would you be amenable to therapy? Would that help you in any manner? Perhaps that’s something to think about. I don’t know anything about your life and if you have other issues there, but it might help with the immediate issues.

    Feel free to come back and give me your thoughts. If you want to give me more information, that would be fine, too. Whatever you feel like sharing. I certainly don’t mind keeping the dialogue going.

    Take care,
    PA

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  7. Hi Kevin. Again, apologies to you, too… *sighs* I don’t think I’ll ever stop with the apologies to my commenters until I (please!) get this goddamn, fucking sickness sorted out!

    Sorry, I’m in a “mood” today. If I don’t get settled, all of this business of not being online could do a total 180! It might yield SEVERAL posts!

    However, good to see you. A “power-post” huh? Thanks. None of them have been called that before. It’s also good that you can’t smell anything that resembles a dirty diaper on me.

    I certainly can’t speak to what any of my readers experience. I would wager that none of them have experienced this for such a long time. This all began in June. It’s now January 2012! So, seven months. Although, as stated, it’s not like this every day.

    Over the course of time and above, I’d been on Twitter just a bit, but I haven’t said anything like this, really. Perhaps intimated or sounded like I was COMPLETELY…like, I don’t know. Yet, sometimes alright. Still, I didn’t betray anything in the post above. I had still withdrawn from Twitter. Nobody online knew what I was going through–at least not completely if something was said?

    Finally (not that you deserve any less attention in my comment) I hope you feel better soon. I know what this time of year can do to a person–if the holidaze are part of the problem, or the problem itself.

    So big hugs. And SM? When I read that? I’m sorry. It made me smile and laugh (as your comments always do.) I can’t hold back on this one. SM? Sadomasochism?

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  8. Kevin

    LOL, I guess I should be clearer when it comes to abbreviating things in a non-standard way. SM here was Social Media. Hmmm, sadomasochism? Who me?

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  9. Hi Kevin. It’s okay. I knew you meant Social Media. I just (more than!) love wordplay. I think the IOC should approve it without question! However, I don’t think the IOC has much of a sense of humour, at all.

    SM (or in its full form (BDSM) and you? Really, now. I can’t remember if we discussed that before. Something else we have in common? I’m a sub, but can be a switch, too. *grins*

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