Archive for March, 2012


Well, that fucking bullshit probably blew my maybe-sorta-pseudo-productive-day! I need a goddamn smoke.  Okay, I don’t need it.  My tea’s getting cold and they make a great pair. *puts readers on hold for cigarette and tea*

Back.

I hardly know anyone where I live.  That’s because I’ve been basically bedridden from exactly one month since I moved in.  I moved here May 01, 2011.  I poureth, swampeth watereth uponeth thyeth headeth noteth! I only sink my head in buckets of it continually, day after day, taking huge gulps of it, like it was water in a desert.

I barely even know this couple but they seemed nice, so hey, friends! Why can’t I ever make friends? And if I do, why does a huge explosion always occur to destroy those friendships? Is my Asperger’s “WORSE” than I originally thought?

We all have skills in life.  Maybe my strongest skill is to make friends, then have those friendships end via complete catastrophes.  Maybe it’s the same with romantic relationships, too.  Quel, quel, quel drag.

Anyway…

They have a totally toxic relationship.  And a baby which makes me want to just…  I can’t even go there.  However, I did at the end of this post, much to my own surprise!

Over the last few weeks or month, there has been nothing short of WWIII between them on the floor.  They were not like this when I met them, maybe two months before? One morning, they were screaming so loud, they actually woke me up.  Yes, they do it in the hallway, not just their apartment.

When it got to the point where bombs started dropping outside my door, I had to scream ENOUGH!!! I do mean literally scream.  I had to raise my voice to be heard over their screaming voices! I told them, I’d had enough, I will not be involved with either of you anymore etc.  I repeated it twice.

Apparently the husband/partner/I couldn’t give a piss or pair of pyjamas full of diarrhea, is no longer living there.  I still don’t care.  Regarding anything to do with either of them.  You both should be locked up in padded cells with 500 mattresses.  The key should be tossed in the trash.  Neither of you are to see “the real world” ever.  Again.

If you live around here and you’re short on smokes, bumming a couple from someone is no big deal.  Check it.  If I wasn’t so exhausted last night, I probably would have exploded.

First: “WHAT DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT I TOLD YOU!!!” Incidentally, I did repeat the information about buggering off from their lives more times.

Second: “YOU ARE ASKING ME FOR WHAT??? She wanted money from me.  Gas money she said, to go visit relatives over the weekend.

I heard them outside my door just now.  Wonderfully, this old, gossipy, hag, living across from me was there, as well.  Great.  I had to shout out my stance again, and asking for the money was completely unacceptable.  Let’s see how the gossip wheel gets going for me now!

That’s fine! Believe what you want if you hear something, everyone! If goss is your masturbatory choice to get off, who am I to “judge.”  You, just keep on rubbing it and stroking it hard, baby! Put your hands wherever it feels goooooood.  Even take it nice and slow if that works, too.  Have your best orgasms on crazy stories about PA!

Although, I suppose you could still call all of those made up stories “fantasies.”  But a note to everyone in the world who would like to fantasize about me while they masturbate.  I don’t mind.  It’s perfectly acceptable.  I would simply prefer you do it regarding who I really am.  Hey, then your fantasies and orgasms might even be better!

Nonetheless, my anxiety levels have shot through the roof so high, I’m worrying about huge chunks of the ceiling falling on my head (not to mention who lives above me.)  I think I can even see what they’re doing if I turn my head the right way.

Revelation! It’s odd how PTSD can work.  It can take you to places so quickly, but it can also lead you nowhere–or maybe it might take you a long time to get out of what’s always felt as “nowhere.”  It may even take years.  Maybe you’ll never know at all.  This half chipped, and extremely, scratched gem hit me as I was writing about my anxiety:

I also can’t bear to look at anything.  Remember, this IS my living space and this all HAPPENED in my living space (or in front of my door, so my actual living space?)  That said, I want to duct tape my eyes shut! Why?

I GREW UP IN A HOME JUST LIKE THIS!!! NOTHING STOPPED THE ENDLESS FIGHTING, YELLING, SCREAMING!!!

*crying*

Maybe I’ll get back to everybody later on.  I have to get off my computer and find a place to hide, now.  Where, I have no clue, but at least I’ve already taken a Valium.

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I seem to have picked up some new readers and I don’t know what they’ve read, how much they “know” about me etc.  So, I thought this might be of help.  Hey, it may still help some people that have been reading me for who knows how long!

1. What is one thing currently within arm’s reach right now?

Wow.  The bed/office/closet/pharmacy is getting out of control again! So, let’s go with a hand held flashlight.  No batteries required.  Just wind it up.  Excellent for me wandering around at night, stumbling all over, and not falling flat on my face with each step I take.

2. What is (one of) your favourite book(s) you own?

How can I even ask myself and answer that?! Alright, it was given to me by my friend P.  It’s a hard cover and about 2″ wide and 12″ in length! It has (I believe) everything Shakespeare ever wrote.

3. What is something you cannot do?

Make balloon animals.  Actually, I can’t even blow up a balloon! I have no idea why.  I try to push hard and blow, blow, blow but pfft.  There goes my future of ever being a clown.  Except for using my “natural abilities” to still do it in life.

4. What is the scariest, most frightening thing, you have ever seen?

ME!!!  Well, let’s not discount it!

I have severe arachnophobia, and while lying in bed reading, waiting for my sleep meds to kick in…AHHHHHHH!!! I saw quite the sizeable spider crawling around on top of my duvet.  I caught it in a tissue, and stomped all it over almost 50 times it to make sure it was dead.  I was terrified to go to sleep for the rest of the night.

5. Have you ever met anyone famous? If not, would you like to?

I wouldn’t know anyone famous, even if they walked right up to me and punched me in the face.  However, after my nose stopped bleeding, I might realize who they were.  If so, I’d probably ask them for an autograph.  Then, I’d ask if I could  them back in their face.

Actually, I have met one famous person.  Peter Murphy, post-Bauhaus.  Very quiet and polite.  Inquiring body types want to know? Yes! He IS that skinny!

6. What is your favourite Aspie Stim Toy?

Awww, come on! This is just like the book one! I will go with newest acquisition.  It stands on a base where there is the battery component.  Two AAs.  What stands there? It’s like this crazy, heavy, obelisk but still flat on top.  It’s clear with all of these sea creatures cut/engraved inside.  They’re really tiny, though.

The base has several different LEDs that change colour.  Then they shoot them all through the obelisk thingy!

Right now I have it on top of a bookshelf that is fairly high to the ceiling.  WHOO HOO! Even more groovy since the light bounces off both the ceiling and the walls.

7. Standard or Automatic Transmission?

Oh, standard for sure! More fun, I’ve even speed shifted a few times.  For those that don’t know, basically, shift into a higher gear without using the clutch and timing only.  Otherwise, no clutch? Grind your gears terribly.

Also, you have more control so you can (at times vs. other cars) go faster.  Moreover, you want control? If your “stuck” in a mess of something, by shifting back/forth, in/out…you may get yourself out of a bad spot.  No promises, and it may take a lot of time and patience.

An automatic may be useless or worse! Keep spinning your wheels and you’ve now dug yourself deeper into the snow, mucky-slippy-hole or whatever.  I’ve done it.  Trust me.  Every car I’ve owned has been a standard–until I got my last–a Volvo. *misses Volvo*

Nonetheless, this is all kind of a moot point for me.  With MY epilepsy, I’ll never be able to drive a car for the rest of my life! Well, maybe those “Bumper Car” things at amusement parks.  But I don’t even like them anyway!

8. Coke or Pepsi?

Are you kidding me? Coke all the way! It’s a stimulant, so it would be awesome for my ADD! Rather expensive to keep using it though.  If I bought it, I’d probably get busted by an undercover…oh…you mean…

I don’t drink pop except gingerale when tummy’s not happy.  Fizzy water is nice too (with a slice or wedge of lime, always!)

9. What really gets under your skin and makes you extremely annoyed?

People with no manners! Get your head out of your ass and think about being kind and decent to other people.  It’s not as difficult as you think.  Oh, wait.  Your head is up your ass.  If you ever pull it out so I can tell you how easy it is, you won’t hear me because your ears are completely packed with shit!

10. What is your most prized possession?

I’m not really into material possessions.  I heard this one expression from someone years ago: “If you break it or lose it and can’t afford to replace it? Don’t buy it.” *smirks*

My most “prized possessions” are gifts that people have given me.  I’m sentimental.  Someone giving me a gift, is simply a gift itself.  Just the thought about doing it means so much to me.  It doesn’t even matter what the gift is! I could be out with someone and they could be scribbling on a matchbook cover.  Then, they want to give it to me.  Thank you!

11. You’re rumoured to be a “hat person.”  Which one is your favourite?

Oh, I love them all.  Although, for some reason, I always end up wearing my black beret.  Or this cute little corduroy one.  I have a Greek Sailor’s Hat.  Wear that one more often? They’re all still black, though!

I do have a “Raspberry Beret.”  Official Canadian Forces from a certain period in history.  I just don’t have anything to pin on the front! If I could find something, I’d wear that more.

12. What’s missing in your life that you think would make it better?

*silence*


I’m definitely not up to writing a long, serious, not-even-serious, I-sound-like-I’m-on-LSD-post.  However, now that I finally have home Stinkernet, I can stream a new song! Although, I’m so tired, even doing this will be laborious.  Even though it’s ridiculously simple.

I’m actually dumping the CD (and song) into iTunes now.  I was just listening to it.  I thought it was there! I don’t know about the rest of you people, but I’ve noticed after giving a CD another listen after years or something, you’ll say, “Oh, my what? That’s awesome! How come I didn’t like that before?

Bizarre.  Okay, moving on to server ftp…  Now I have to bugger with it…names…give it a test drive and there it is! Nope.  It broke.  Okay, let’s try and rebuild it.  Righty-o! Just a server drop, actually.

“Silence (Above & Beyond 21st Century Remix)” by Delerium — Sarah McLachlan Vox.  Scream it Sarah!


Hi kids.

I’ve finally got my Internet set up back at home.  It’s ALL totally Wi-Fi.

When tech dude finished hacking into the Matrix, I was surprised to find that I now have two choices.  I can still use my previous network set up on my router.  Kinda duh, as I was expecting the same set up from them as before.  Plug everything in, and you’ve got miniature, daisy chain, spaghetti.  Not so.  Since they gave me a wireless one, I can use it as another, wee PA, network too!

I was reluctant, of course.  I don’t trust ISPs, and even worse, dumb, tech people! He didn’t even give me the chance, to give their router my own security password!

Anyway, the point of having two allows me to see which one is faster.  Then, Bob’s your uncle, someone else in your family, someone you know or once met, or…  Well, at least he’s a palindrome.

So, that’s been tackled.  And so have I.

Did I tell you that I figured out my lovely Typical Absence Status Epilepticus can actually bring on some positively, fabbo Todd’s paresis? Why, yes! It definitely can!

ASIDE: For those of you who don’t know, TASE is an epileptic syndrome I have that is a form of Non-convulsive Status Epilepticus.  I can keep seizing for a week or so (it lasts long for me) and nobody can tell.  Not even me.  That’s because you can’t see me seizing! I just feel disgustingly ill.

Continuing, I told Non-Arsey Neuro that it just HAD to make sense.  Because I’m sitting here (yes, right now as I am typing) merrily seizing away.  I wasn’t feeling so great earlier.  Not at all! I was just lying in bed and watching television.  But right before tech dude came, I completely fell apart (almost literally.)

My legs could barely support me at all, my brain blew up in terms of any possible thinking or just…well, anything! I’m waiting on a possible, mood explosion, at any moment.  Is that coming down the tracks, as well? I can guarantee you did not want to see me last night.  Or maybe you did because I really needed help.  TOTAL (ASPIE) MELTDOWN.  I wrote “(ASPIE)” because it’s sometimes hard to disseminate my Asperger’s behaviour with everything else going completely haywire.

So.  Now I can get online with no problems.  Well, except for being sick.  However, I am here at home, so I’ll be getting back to all you hopefully a lot sooner.  It will be easier because I couldn’t leave the house for days on end.  Although, there still is the issue of baby MacBook needing repairs.  That might have to wait anyway, as I don’t think I can afford it now.

Thank you all,
PA

Going to resty, resty now.  Writing this has taken me hours!

Rx: Cane required at all times. Dimenhydrinate prn every 4hrs. max. 100mg or 50mg in divided dose. Diazepam prn 5mg max. twice daily.


I’m actually outside when I should be suffering horribly in bed from the Typical Absence Status Epileptics.  But I’m out.  Getting the free Wi-Fi at the cafe.  How is this possible? According to the date/s, I’m right in the thick of it.

My head is still a mess with cognitive impairment, concentration, all of that stuff.  My body isn’t so pretty either.  The nausea is continuing, ditto headaches, blah, blah…

But my moods.  I can handle feeling like a total space case (even though it’s really, really bad.)  I can deal with the bodily malfunctions.  But my moods.  They have caused me the most ugly, painful, words cannot describe, problems.

For the last few days, I seem to be pretty stable.  Almost just like that.  I went from 24hrs of sheer hell when I totally shit all over a fellow blogger (gotta love it when I do that!) We’re still working on repairing the damage. Then, the next day, it was like I was a totally different person.

There were (and are) still some “residual” mood problems.  I can get a bit teary at points.  That’s a clue to stay away from anything that might be potentially triggery.  Otherwise, no living hell (or dying in hell.)  No roller coaster of any mood or mind state you could ever imagine. All that you could imagine which would change within minutes–or less.

I’m only at approximately three weeks of the increase to 100mg of my Clobazam.  I was a bit concerned at first, as my sickness window began with only two and a half weeks.  Maybe a better trial with more of it in my system?

I have to wait and give it more time with the whole catamenial period/ovulation business.  That’s the problem.

Maybe it is at least doing something? Anything? Aspie PA does love her round numbers (100mg) so could this be enough to let me function again? Hey, even enough to move further forward?

No seizures to report yet either.  Well, maybe some ANS temperature dysregulation (you can get hot/cold/hot/cold…)  That’s nothing, though! Compared to the motor, full body, explosions?

I’m still really tired, though, so I’ll keep this brief.  Closing time, anyway.

And yes.  Don’t tell my meds! If we do and they are working, they might form some kind of mutiny, a rebellion, who knows! Let’s just let them keep doing whatever it is they’re doing.  I think that’s the best plan.


Is it possible to be fuming, almost to the point where people are ready to reach for fire extinguishers, yet paranoid at the same time? Welcome to my world.

In the beginning…no, I’m not going to give you biblical quotes.  There may be too much profanity within this post.  Although, what can profanity do now?

THE DAMAGE HAS BEEN DONE.

Actually, there’s enough profanity in the first post of the saga.

Then, we moved on to the second post of the saga. Here, things definitely got a lot worse and quite frightening.

Now, here we are, sitting at the top of an apogee in terror (and let’s not forget that fiery anger too, right?) However, it may not really be an apogee.  Or, it actually is, and I’ll just never slide back down.

Within that second post, I went to use my computer later in the day with no Internet.  My entire Desktop was in complete disarray, and I had two lovely, black bars running vertically up and down on each side.  Wow! I can hold baby MacBook almost upside down and I get a wonderful look at horrific chaos as a film in widescreen!

Now, the damage.  So far, it’s only my display and I’m praying nothing more.  No matter what I do, how many changes I make (or try) it’s irreparable.  IT’S FUCKED.  I’ll never get things back to normal.  The motherfucking (there’s some profanity!) Data Stick has nuked baby MacBook’s Hard Disk (or part thereof.)

I made it down to my preferred Mac shop and the guy couldn’t fix anything either.  Christ! Even typing up this post is all screwed! It’s gone so far as to view my blog in FF as all itty bitty??? And yet, my gmail is fine.  Reading my blog itself looks alright.

As soon as I can, I’m heading straight to my ISPs shop and tell them to shove their Data Sticks right up their stupid, fat asses. Then, have them each drink a bottle of castor oil, and shit them out for their other customers!

I’ve got a good line on another ISP.  I’ll probably go with them.  The guy in the Mac shop highly recommended them.  However, first? I need to pick up some cases of castor oil.