A Personal Account of PTSD and Dissociation
I wrote this when I was actively dissociating not long ago. Or rather, why don’t you tell me what you think I was doing! There are a few, other small “factors” where some might jump up and say, “That’s it! That’s why!” Nope. *shakes head*
I’ll let the words speak for themselves, and I’ll let my own experience speak for me.
I have left everything unedited, exactly as I wrote it. However, I have added some paragraph spacing wherever possible so it’s easier to read. It was written in one big “chunk.”
And speaking of “chunks?” I have no idea how long this lasted. My DP/DR (dissociation etc.) for my epilepsy is markedly different from that of my PTSD and Dissociative Amnesia issues.
Am I dissociating? Was fine earlier when pint was inch fuller and hadn’t touched it. The grief stuff triggered it later? TASE? No cognitive impairment as reading and doing the grief work. —- But could be hitting as eyes blurry = TASE. But gone. And not drunk gone — did take x gravol after first pint.
Can’t get grip on “now.” The present. Where I am relative to time but more space and awareness. I’m not in the present, somehow. I’m not where I am period. Lost in my own environment. I cannot connect with it, but I can talk, interact with people. I can’t hold onto or even find where I presently am.
I cognitively (know physically, visually) where I am but I can’t “feel” it. My brain takes me away from it to a place where I don’t even know. No matter hard with what awareness I have, I try to bring myself back to I “know” where I am but I can’t do it. I’m outside of me and I can’t reach me.
I’m in two places at the same time but I can only, barely hang on to that “physical” environment. What I see, even some cognitive as I come here all the time, I know the the geography. Things like that, but even those pieces in my brain are weak. It won’t stop and I don’t even know how long I’ve been feeling like I can’t reach myself, how long it’s been going on.
When will I come back. Soon I hope. This feeling (or even non-feeling) is too much to bear. Amazing to write this as brain has almost stopped completely and body almost paralytic.