Archive for August, 2012

Not much of a vacation folks. *shakes head*

For anyone with PTSD, have you ever gotten hit with some really, unbelievable news from your past, and you initially thought it was amazing? Then, WHAM! A short time later, you’re now crushed under a dump truck, drowning you in the letters “P” “T” “S” “D” “F” “B” (for those unaware, F and B are for Flashbacks.)

I guess we could add loads more “D’s” for Dissociation, some “C’s” for crying.  Oh, to hell with it! Drown us all in the entire alphabet.  We’ll be too far gone to know what letter we’re holding anyway!

Well, here I’ve been for several days now.  I’m fairly sure it’s even worse with my Dissociative Amnesia.  I can’t remember diddly from my childhood, teen years, even early adult ones…longer?

I recently found out a goldmine (and it is!) of information about bio-dad.  It’s too much to get into at the moment.  I think there may be more I can find from my mother.  I was given what I have now from her.

But yeah.  After a couple of days, boy did I crash!

I don’t know how I feel today.  I slept late.  I’m becoming quite the lucid dreamer.  That’s one reason.  The other is rest.  Another is that I don’t want to face the world, with the sun smirking down at me, wearing a know-it-all expression on its face.

It’s also a round ball.  That means you can see its face everywhere.  That certainly doesn’t help either, does it?

I am doing only one thing today (which I’d better do now or I won’t make it–than I’ll be MAD for finally trying to do it!!!)

I have to walk just a couple of blocks to get bloods and an X-ray done for Gastro Man.  I hope they can get back to him fast! My appt. with him is on the 5th.  “PFH” (aka Pneumonia From Hell) meant my blood was too toxic.  Pretty much so with two hospitalizations about it.

Anyway, MP3 of the Moment is in trouble.  I need to find another way to ftp tunes up.  Server Boy no longer providing server.  I’ll go back to doing it old school.

POSTSCRIPT: I certainly don’t need to dredge up my evil small town where this ties into this as well.  I have had some dreams.  There’s more “dredging” though, isn’t there.  Always.


Okay all you PC users, trample all over me.  But I just shot my wee remote from old baby MacBook from the across the room and…well, I don’t think I need to tell you.  Even I was surprised at that range!

Not to mention, baby is hanging on…hanging on.  A lot of issues.  Battery trashed, yet still fine? Power cord definitely helps for better connection for all things and stabilizing it.

Another problem.  My hard drive.  It’s about to explode.  I’m trying not to do too much as my external back up drive is bitching at me! I have some ideas for all of this, but I’ll let you know if and when I can pull off some “Mac Magic.”

But I bought something today.  Well, more than some/thing/s.  I can’t say too much as a reader my take a peek and…well…pressies!

Said reader and I are both in a lot of pain.  We’re both so upset.  Even though we talked on the phone (that may have made it worse.)

C.  Ex-friend J.’s sister.  She came here to deal with the…how long and an endless ordeal of being the Executrix of their Father’s will has this gone on? Even more ugly as she lives in Paris.

Everything was too overwhelming and took so much time.  We kept pushing getting together until the next day and the next.  Then it was today.  That was a total bust.  Still so much to do.  She and her husband are flying home tomorrow.

We really are both heartbroken.  She sent me an email after we did talk and said that it was still, pain, pain, pain!

Spock took over and responded that this is what we have to do now.  Get me to Paris, we must be committed to it.  We can’t keep saying, “Oh, sometime.  Yes, we’ll do it.  We’ll see.”  You get the idea.

Then I responded back.  I told her I was a mess on the phone.  I didn’t know if she noticed, but Aspie issues? Severe? My voice was completely flat.  I could barely answer her questions.  In fact, I didn’t even want to.  But I kept the conversation going.  Lots of long pauses too, as I didn’t know what to say.

I wasn’t sure, I told her later.  An Aspie just hanging on? I’d never been in a situation like that before, but all I really wanted to do was go freak out, have some kind tantrum, crawl into a ball, and just cry for as long it would take until I was done.

Sounds a bit Aspie? Getting pretty damn close to a meltdown? But there’s been a shitload of other PTSD, psych shit too.  Still, an Aspie meltdown is an Aspie meltdown.

So, if you read this C., as I joked, “We’ll always have Paris.”

So, here’s the deal with this rather fun adventure.  More “adventure/s” to come?

I’m feeling selfish and guilty about a lot of fucking things right now.  Things that are important to me (this blog included.)  Yes, yes, my health comes first, but try explaining that to my head.  My brain doesn’t work that way–even though my body ends up convincing it that it does–because my body just gives up.  Period.  But I am on the mend.  I think?

I went back to hospital, called Emergency Services as I was getting sicker.  Back into Isolation!

There were other things I had neglected to tell them.  More falls I didn’t mention (one that resulted in some urinary incontinence as I was going to the bathroom in the night!) Massive memory loss, as well.  Feelings of Neuropathy (damage to nerves in certain places of the brain.)

I had numbness and tingling in my face from my nose down to my chin.  Then, one night, some in my left forearm that went from numbness to pain.  More pain? Tendons can just “pop” or get damaged in other ways.  I was in pain with certain joints.  A lot of issues besides, but some weren’t even mentioned under the “Extremely Rare” category.  Well, that’s me!

When I got home from hospital from the first Isolation round, I took a fall on the floor and had no idea how it happened. I was putting on jammies, unpacking, taking my meds, getting ready for bed.  The next thing, I found my kitchen step stool opened when it was closed, and me lying on the floor below it.  No clue, no memory, nothing.  Can you say concussion?

Because I had a bit of a bump on my bean and some bruising around one of my eyes.  But glasses area good thing! They have been for me, as mine are very solid.  They’ve absorbed the impact of my falls first, before my head has! *laughing*  No, I’m serious!

Anyway, back to what is/was “wrong” with me.  Side effects of the medication prescribed.  Which could very well be true.  On my long list of problems, there were some under the “Rare” category.  This drug is like, I don’t know! Some kind of missile, to kill whatever is killing you.  That said, because it made me so sick, recovery time could be very slow.

However, I never received an actual “diagnosis!” What the hell made me so sick in the first place, and what happened? What’s going on with my body?

From what it treats, I don’t think I had the most serious two: plague and anthrax.  Nobody is dropping like flies all over the place, and I don’t think I dispelled one of largest Urban Myths when I went to pick up my mail a few weeks ago.  So, perhaps an extremely intense, over-the-top, near-death Pneumonia? Which it does treat–but you must have to be pretty bad off to have them give it to you?

I hate to complain folks but I’ve been bedridden in some way since LAST JUNE.  I’m getting a little tired (bad pun) of this.  I know it seems counterintuitive for me to post, rather than do Twitter stuff and comments.  Throwing up posts and writing like this is easier.  The others require more thought.  My brain tends to run out of steam.  I want to do things correctly.  If that makes any sense.  Because I want to make sense!

Since I am basically immobile, my mom and her husband picked me up.  Her husband has cancer so he’s up and down.  But kind of up right now to make the trip.  A bit of a drive to my place.  Oh, this is priceless.  I got a hysterical call from my mother saying she “She needed me!” just as I was about to call Emergency Services.  Well, not what I needed to hear at the time but I can understand.

I think she’s keeping me captive here too.  She wants me around as it’s a nice break from her own insanity.  I guess being here is okay.  I don’t know how I feel about it really.

I’ve said this before.  I’ve never had a mother because she was so mentally ill.  I had to parent my parents.  A soon I became an adult, I said, “Fuck it!” and got outta dodge.

I now have a mother.  After never having one.

It’s been that way since this last year and a half.  I don’t know if being so sick trumps my PTSD while staying here or not.  I’m also sitting in another in another room listening to the both of them talk…overstimulation? I don’t know what to do.

OH.NO.  Unexpected visitors just arrived.  This day might be blown, we still have to do more things, I didn’t bring enough Clobazam. *hangs head and now longs for peace and quiet*

Hi guys.  I know all I’ve been blogging about is how sick I am/have been.  But I must tell you, this beats everything.


So I got a bit sick.  I had a cough.  In my last post I joked about having a 101°F fever.  HAHA! Not so much.

Within a few days, the coughing became so relentless and painful I could no longer sleep.  Eventually, my fever became just as relentless: 104°F.  Nothing would stop it.  I called for an ambulance but the problem was, I’d just about lost all of my voice so they couldn’t understand me! They sent the whole brigade: Fire, Police, Ambulance.

Ultimate chaos.  No one could understand me again (the posturing and pissing match between the police and paramedics was fun to watch though–despite me needing help–oh, well.)  How many people were in my wee Bachelor unit? My memory is fried but 7 or 8 between the two? o_O

I got to the hospital but the paramedics were so frustrated by the time the police left, I know they got things messed up.  Like listening to very simple things I said.  When in emerg., one of paramedics smirked and said, “You’re going to isolation! You’re going to love it there! Your own room.  Nice and quiet.”  I was so sick I didn’t understand what he was saying.

Isolation Indeed! Uh, just how accurate are those medical shows? Well, being placed completely shut behind glass doors is definitely true!

Dependent upon who they were, they dressed up in all the gear.  My doctor didn’t and my initial nurse for initial tests didn’t, but my second nurse and the X-ray techs did.  I put my mask on whenever someone came in and I went for the X-rays.  Protocol.

The “protocol?” I wasn’t told by the hospital to do it.  I learned it.  It was so odd staring at myself on the other side of the glass.  I worked at an HIV/AIDS Hospice, and how many times did I dress up just like my nurse did when we had clients there in isolation?

I figured I was NPO for all the testing but finally a bag was hung to give me some IV re-hydration.  But I wanted WATER!!! Again, too out of it to ask? My nurse then came in shortly with a wee syringe full of what, I asked.

Morphine.  WTF? Holy shit!, Isolation! Heavy duty pain management! I said to her that I guessed it was for the pain of the coughing and to try to relax the muscle spasms.  Dr. PA still on the job! But now Dr. PA even MORE out of it.  Hello, morphine.

It took some more time as I was supposed to go through two bags for re-hydration, but I was NPO no longer.  I received dinner! Okay, let’s try and eat? I was just happy to have wee cups for water I could drag over to the sink! Then I just lied there and tried to literally not cough my brains out.

Literally? Well, after my script.  My drugs are pretty extreme.  My cough syrup actually crosses my blood-brain barrier to hit my medulla, where my “cough centre” is.  Then, it works its way down to my gut and gives me awful diarrhea.  I don’t know for anyone else, but it’s highly sedating too.

My pills? I won’t even mention the name! I don’t want people to go searching about and…well, I don’t know what they’d think or do! However, rather more than “pretty extreme?” It’s a damn good thing Dr. PA still has/had enough of a brain to research them along with the cough syrup.  A very simple contraindication is no NSAIDS.  I was using Advil/ibuprophen for my fever!

But the ultimate, crazy, insane thing is that this drug can be used for other things (of course.)  But how about the fact that it can treat anthrax and plague grab you? That was fun to read.

I’ve called Sweetie GP to see if she can call me back.  I have half a voice now.  This all happened when she was off for two weeks.  She’s gotta know anyway! I have two pills left.  One for today, and tomorrow.  I have a feeling she’s going to say:“Get yer butt back to the hospital RFN!!!”

I’m clearly not better.  The cough has subsided somewhat, but gets worse with the more oxygen I breathe.  That definitely applies when trying to talk? Duh.  I can’t eat at all.  I also forgot to tell them some things because I was so out of it that are VERY important.  Neurological.  Constant falls, no memory, neuropathy.

If my home scale is right, I’ve also lost 10lbs.  I can’t tell as I have body distortion issues that could be attributed to: my Asperger’s, PTSD and Eating Disorder issues.  Maybe all three!

I’ve also called my stoopid guvmunt worker (however she is FAR from stoopid–she’s excellent!) I want to see if I can get some kind of person to come and give me in-care help.  I live alone.  I can’t DO anything.  Just hobble to the bathroom and back.  Can’t read.  No TV.  It’s like this thing has given me permanent ADD now! However, that may end up being shelved for a bit if I end up going back to hospital and what happens with that.

This is long, I know.  At least I could get it written but it’s taken me hours.  But I wanted to tell the tale.  And it’s not over yet.

Okay, done this? Resty now.

And if you actually read this, TG? Well…you know.