Not much of a vacation folks. *shakes head*

For anyone with PTSD, have you ever gotten hit with some really, unbelievable news from your past, and you initially thought it was amazing? Then, WHAM! A short time later, you’re now crushed under a dump truck, drowning you in the letters “P” “T” “S” “D” “F” “B” (for those unaware, F and B are for Flashbacks.)

I guess we could add loads more “D’s” for Dissociation, some “C’s” for crying.  Oh, to hell with it! Drown us all in the entire alphabet.  We’ll be too far gone to know what letter we’re holding anyway!

Well, here I’ve been for several days now.  I’m fairly sure it’s even worse with my Dissociative Amnesia.  I can’t remember diddly from my childhood, teen years, even early adult ones…longer?

I recently found out a goldmine (and it is!) of information about bio-dad.  It’s too much to get into at the moment.  I think there may be more I can find from my mother.  I was given what I have now from her.

But yeah.  After a couple of days, boy did I crash!

I don’t know how I feel today.  I slept late.  I’m becoming quite the lucid dreamer.  That’s one reason.  The other is rest.  Another is that I don’t want to face the world, with the sun smirking down at me, wearing a know-it-all expression on its face.

It’s also a round ball.  That means you can see its face everywhere.  That certainly doesn’t help either, does it?

I am doing only one thing today (which I’d better do now or I won’t make it–than I’ll be MAD for finally trying to do it!!!)

I have to walk just a couple of blocks to get bloods and an X-ray done for Gastro Man.  I hope they can get back to him fast! My appt. with him is on the 5th.  “PFH” (aka Pneumonia From Hell) meant my blood was too toxic.  Pretty much so with two hospitalizations about it.

Anyway, MP3 of the Moment is in trouble.  I need to find another way to ftp tunes up.  Server Boy no longer providing server.  I’ll go back to doing it old school.

POSTSCRIPT: I certainly don’t need to dredge up my evil small town where this ties into this as well.  I have had some dreams.  There’s more “dredging” though, isn’t there.  Always.


  1. Been there, done that. Recently in fact. Hope things settle down soon…


  2. Hi katm. Good to see you.

    I’m sorry you have been dealing with this bullshit right now too. Thanks as well for wishing that things will settle down soon. I don’t think they will. However, going through “the beginning” I might be able to somehow prepare myself for the future incoming! I don’t know.

    I had already signed off when I got your comment but I wanted to answer it immediately. Yes, I love you dahling, but the vagueness of this post was really bothering me. So, let me try to explain in a wee nutshell? Also a drug-induced nutshell–night meds taken.

    katm, we’ve known each other for a long time, so you know the whole situation regarding my conception and birth, yes? A lot of people don’t. What is happening now is all to do with that.

    Folks, my bio-dad is from Pakistan. He was one of the servants for our family when non-bio dad was sent there on business. I’ll just leave it at that.

    My mother who is being now more open about things went through a box with me when I was there a couple of weeks, whatever, while still sick. I know there is at least one more box.

    The one we went through had a stack of letters. We both went through about half each. Then she found some of what I was looking for: letters he sent back to Canada after we got home. I have four letters.

    My mother and I were simultaneously trying not to burst into tears when we found them. It took me over a week to even touch them. Gee, wonder why?

    Finally. Why this won’t be (or possibly be) settling down so soon. I have asked my mother to give me the rest of that stack of letters. I want to read everything the family sent to them while in Karachi. I have since ex-communicated all members of my family, lest four people. Thus, a stack of reading their letters might be pretty heavy duty too! But I need to know everything I can.

    Thanks for letting me write a post in your comment katm! So, how are you these days? Still better since you got away from the “…descriptive words that me laugh so hard…” people?



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