Archive for September, 2012
The last post I wrote was totally stupid! And so am I for publishing it! I deleted it.
Stupid, both in the way I wrote it, and repeating again: I might not be here for a while, or who knows?
Not to mention, WTF about the South London folks? Not a slight, my dear UK readers. NEVER! I love you all. I love everyone who comes here!
Just more proof that my brain isn’t working (so well?)
If I’m not here, then I’m not here.
It’s as simple as that.
Who the person I have now lost (and even a Social Worker?!) undeniably said this was me.
It’s funny because it takes me a lot, really a lot, to laugh out loud or cry from media (books, movies etc.) I read King Lear at the end of High School and when I finished the book, I totally lost it. This is probably why. From people viewing me and saying (and that person saying it surely) this is ME.
Cordelia. From King Lear.
I really like what The Hip did with it.
I completely destroyed a friendship as of today. No, I really blew it all to shit. It was like I was a kid who played with thousands of pounds of “Silly Putty.” You know, that plastic stuff, bend it, stretch it, the best was pressing it on the funnies and it would make an exact replica!
However, I played with it so much, I needed more and more and more… That led me to an adult who needed “Plastique!” Even though the term is obsolete. What they still use is plastic and soft-like. Yes?
So, I kept on and on, playing with my “Plastique” having no clue what I was doing. Until I met a certain person. We became so close and so intimately tied together. I guess you could call that a “fuse?”
And I can guess you can gather what happened. I really blew it all to shit.
I had to go to a group therapy session today–oh, boy, what fun! I was only hoping I wouldn’t fall apart and start bawling at any point through it. I spoke to my therapist as she took one look at me (she’s really good!) and was WTF?!
We spoke briefly and she asked if I would be okay to attend. I didn’t know what to say but finally thought it might be (uh, yeah) some kind of a distraction.
Now, I’m sitting and drinking beer. Writing this. Maybe Aspie Penguin might work on his huge list of people to follow on Twitter. He’ll need my help for that. I don’t know if I can be of any use to him though.
The Muse summoned me to write last night. Now my Muse? Even if she summoned me now by shaking me so violently my life was at risk, she would remain dead to me. There will be no writing now.
I have intense therapy work re: being a Womb Twin Survivor. Alright. Get really drunk and let the feelings flow while starting with the e-Book I downloaded. Because it’s not like I nearly explode into tears after a few pages. And it’s not because any of it was a problem with all of this. Or my entire life or anything. No, my twin just died. It didn’t “really” have any affect on me. No. My twin was just this little piece of tissue and so was I. Nothing was happening and nothing did happen to me when my twin was lost. WRONG!
Or maybe I’ll just sit here, listen to some music. I suspect you know what type and/or style it will be. And just keep drinking. Hey, I’m “allowed” to be my alcoholic self after losing this person. So to hell with it. Beer is part of my grief process now.
Par for the course? Why do I always fuck up so much and in such massive ways? I guess it’s just par for the course.
Oh, all of you
insane wonderful INSANE people that have started following my blog, giving me a “Like” on my posts etc. I’m just trying to get around to checking you out now, but I’m facing an avalanche!
I’m Bookmarking your Blogs when I see what wonderful things you toss off (sorry, had to write that for my new UK readers!)
I’m also trying to find out if you’re on Twitter so I can follow you. I’ve got a lot of work to do. A lot. Perhaps a decade or so to do it all? Maybe a bit less.
Still, thanks to all of you. It means so much that there are so many of you out there who want to read my…
Things that I type that are worth much more less than piss and puke.
If you happen to stumble upon this since it is Part II, you may want to read this first. My mala “broke” slightly when I was taking off my jacket last night. Its main/front bead slid right off the thread that held the entire bracelet together.
I fixed it, but obviously it would be prone to happen again. Then, each other bead may do the same. At that point, I would finally be left with one single piece of string that would still be far too big for my wrist. In fact, it would be bigger than before as all the beads had fallen off!
I pondered this for a little while. First it was the loss. Then came the fact that it was falling apart completely. What could it all mean?
In the above post, I suggested strongly not to act like a human earthquake, trying to find something you lost that was important to you (or other important things.) I kept tearing my apartment to bits when I lost it. That’s not a good way to handle things. I also forgot to mention that I found my mala out of the blue, while adjusting a floor lamp!
What about it falling apart? That’s another way of losing it, but potentially permanently! What is all of this loss and destruction, my Buddhist mala disappearing to keep me grounded! I’m also no longer wearing it.
It means that I don’t need it. Not that it is now a useless piece of material trash to throw in the garbage. Of course not! It’s a Buddhist mala!
I’m doing something that I need to do right now. It’s actually something I’ve never done before, and it’s quite daunting. However, in order to make the process work, or to do the work I need to do, is to stay very grounded and remain in the present. At all times. No matter how hard that may be, I have to do it! Or keep trying to do it!
No more mala? It means I’m on the right track. The choice I made was correct.
It’s not like I’m going to become a Buddhist Nun or anything. *laughing* Though I have taken a “Vow of Silence” one could say. And in remaining in the present as much as I can, the present will tell me when I no longer have to remain silent.
A “mala” is similar to a Catholic Rosary. It can be used to count (not literally, you’re meditating!) your recitations, or sometimes just run through the beads in order to try and clear your mind and keep you grounded.
I have one but had completely forgotten it as I bought it years ago. I found it when I was looking for my Pride Rings (also bought years ago.) As soon as I saw it, WHOOP! Strait back on the wrist! There are larger ones, of course.
I have to be very, very careful with my mala now! I’ve lost weight from being sick and it very easily can slide right off me. In fact, I need a new Medic-Alert bracelet and have to change its size as well.
Alright. So, not long ago, I was taking off one of my hoodies and CRAP! Although, I heard it fall. Somewhere.
A few days ago, I turned my entire apartment upside down, inside out, all over (well more than it already is) in search of MY PRECIOUS MALA!!! I didn’t find it. I did the same thing the next day. Then I did it again the next day. It was starting to make me go out of my mind.
Then I realized something I had forgotten. When it first fell off, I knew it was in my apartment. I was not exactly happy I couldn’t find it, but I was not exactly surprised as this wasn’t the first time it had fallen off. I said to myself, “Oh, don’t worry. It’s in here somewhere. It’ll turn up eventually.”
Boy, did I ever see when I realized I had temporarily forgotten that. It was then I learned the lesson.
If you lose something in your life that is so very important, or if you’re desperately seeking something that has such importance as well? DON’T DO WHAT I DID TO MY APARTMENT! *laughing* No, I am being serious. Try to be kind, gentle and patient surrounding whatever the issue. Even better, go back to what I “forgot.” The notion that I knew it was “somewhere” and eventually it would be found. Then, I “forgot” in another way. I forgot about my mala completely.
I’m not saying “forgetting” what you are so bound to (even with intense emotional ties attached) will be easy. It can be difficult to take any single thought and set it aside at times. Even being “kind, gentle and patient” to a stranger can make us all want to explode at points.
I’m also not saying that you will get exactly what you are seeking either. That might make you disappointed. However, by doing the above, what have you got to lose? As a matter of fact, you have everything to gain! You may end up with other very important things being dropped in your lap that you never would have imagined.
I’m going to leave you with another said “lesson.” Hell, it’s not like I’m some Guru or anything! You could all think this is a big load of crap! Nonetheless.
I woke up in a foul mood today. In fact, I was foul last night as well. I was so angry! We all get angry, but why? I’m not asking you for actual specifics, I want you to ponder something else. However, the specifics fit in as why would you be angry? Let us not dispense with logic when discussing philosophy! *smirks*
When you are angry at something (and I definitely think when it applies to someone) stop and think for a minute. And as above, TRY. In your burning flames of pure ire…well, okay. Stop for a minute. Perhaps what you’re mad about has nothing to do with the situation and the individual involved. Perhaps it’s actually you who is mad at yourself surrounding the entire situation.