Archive for November, 2012


I mentioned in my last post that I kept, what was is it? Ah, “ruminating” about going to hospital.  Well, no more rumination.  Time to go!

Sweetie GP has always to me I’m smart enough to know when I needed to do it.  I guess that may be true.

Because tonight was totally ridiculous.  I’m one handed typing (and mousing) right now.  Yeah, you perverts…  Seriously, though.  Things are getting out of hand (no pun intended.)  And I didn’t want to stop pounding with just my hand!

I’ve now contacted the Co-op Manager to see if he needs to know any specific information, “should” I be admitted.  I think they’ll take one look at my hand and put me on a 72hr hold immediately! No, I know they will when they see how I’ve had to bandage it up.

It’s even more ridiculous, as prior to feeling like doing this, even really thinking about acting on it was nil.  I mean, prior to this, I was doing laundry, dishes, eating better, and then WHAM!

So for now, I’m basically a total Lefty.  I’m sort of ambidextrous you could say.  Just messy and I get tired after a while as I’m not used to using my left hand so much.   Are any of you asshole perverts still out there? Shaddup.

I’ve got someone to take care of things for my place I think.  If I don’t hear from the Manager by the time I’m ready, I’ll just bolt.  You shouldn’t have to wait on Administrivia if you’re sick.

And of course, blogging about hospital shenanigans! God, will I be into my double digits with this one? That is “if” they admit me.

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I made some Tweets tonight but I don’t know who saw them, who cares, but I’ll bring anyone who’s interested up to date.

Crisis.  But hanging on with dental floss right now?

The day before today, neuro lowered my Clobazam despite my seizures getting worse (not to mention the accompanying psych and emotional disasters that come along with.)  I figured out why after a bit.  He thinks that prescribing such a high dose was lowering my seizure threshold and then WHAM! Look how high they flew up! Bastard.

But today was so painfully and unbelievably shocking.  I’ve lost my therapist that I have been seeing for a year now.  Stoopid Guvmunt crap and changes in the clinic.  She was even shocked herself.

Spock held it together through the appointment but wee PA crumbled to the floor bawling uncontrollably trying to get to her GP.  Right on the floor outside her therapist’s office. Hello, everyone else in the building.  Here’s a bit of an Asperger’s Display.   FUCK YOU!

I’m a total wreck.  I’ve been ruminating about going to hospital and yet, on the other hand, can I be strong to handle this? How strong do I have to be? I don’t know.  All I do know is I’m so afraid, I took one more Valium than prescribed a little while ago, my therapist does have her own practice but I’d have to pay.

Then I talked to a guy I know about saving money for drinking.  Not going out.  He bought me tonight some Vodka, Whisky and beer that I can drink at home.  Right now, Vodka.  Neat (that means no ice–an abomination!)

I’m pretty freaked out to talk to anyone.  I think I have someone to take care of my place if I admit myself.  Not the alcohol guy! Can’t trust him.

My mother’s off the radar.  I’m too scared to call after almost two months as I suspect her husband has gotten worse with his cancer.  She laments not being “able to take care of both of us.”  I have no clue.  And I don’t want to hear bad news.  Family trauma, PTSD and all of that! My mom is still mentally ill so who knows what demons might come out!

So, yeah.  My “coping mechanisms” ain’t so hot right now.  I’d like to say, “Let’s see what tomorrow brings.”  But I know that’s a ridiculous statement.

Back to listening to Dead Can Dance.


Folks, things might be more than a little fucked up than they usually are around here.  Since Apple nuked my OS and made it “obsolete” a lot of problems.  At this point, even my emails are disappearing! Luckily, I managed to find this out by re-reading a thread to a business contact.

I can’t believe it, but I’m actually contacting a shop I know about buying a new Mac! That is completely outrageous, because I cannot afford to pay…what? $2,000 or more while I’m living off the stoopid guvmunt?

And so.  Try to work out some sort of deal where they will sell this as a used machine–they do sell used used machines.  Then, see if they have some sort of payment plan.

It looks like we might be moving on to baby MacBook Version 3.0 from Version 2.01.  So, if I somehow miss you, I might get you through my phone at some point.  But emails are missing there too.

Bugger.