Thank you Aspie Penguin, for trying to get my words out regarding how I feel about my blog, and blogging these days (the seizure is not important.) Yet, I feel I should try and use my own words for everyone to read. It may or may not make any more sense.
But to begin with, “all of my words.” A blogger recently asked me how long my blog had been up. He said it’s been a long time. I had no clue other than the month of November. I have now checked, and for some insane reason it has been up for six years. I forgot to even mention the five years, last year. November 23. First post in 2006.
I would like to apologize to everyone for this past year and all that I have subjected you to–or at least the last half of it? It’s alright. It’s even torture for me to be subjected to it as the writer. Blech. I tried to write about other things, not be so repetitive, but I ultimately failed. Also, Happy Anniversary (late!) to Gabriel… at …saltedlithium. We started our blogs right around the same time.
That aside, let’s try and delve into my problems regarding my blog (and me.) I don’t know if “terrified” is the right word, but it may come close. My heart is racing right now and I’m feeling rather panicky. I am going to take a Valium. There is some proof? Who the hell needs to take a Valium to look at their blog!
So, let’s make some points here that may clarify some things.
1. Sticks and stones may break my bones but every name, letter in the alphabet and all numbers will all definitely hurt me.
This has to do with Twitter. I have lost a lot of people that are huge bloggers, ones I could never believe that would follow me, but they did. Now, they are gone. I have also lost people that I felt as friends. Thus, I now feel my blog is shittier than shit more than I have ever called it shit before!
Moreover, I have lost extreme closeness with friends I have gotten to know off blog. Even worse, I have lost all contact with very intimate friends I have gotten to know. Put it all together and it hurts. Yes, things change, but try telling my head that.
Perhaps that’s why they came out with all of the “Buy Yourself Twitter Followers!” garbage. For people like me who become devastated emotionally by being so attached to Social Media Apps. *shakes head and rolls eyes*
2. On the flip side of being so devastated…
Despite all the loss of people around me, I have received an overwhelming influx of new people following me on Twitter, my blog, getting all of these likes on my ridiculous posts! I cannot understand that. And since there are so many, I can’t keep up! PRESSURE! Then, there’s a vicious cycle. If I don’t get back to some Twitter Follows in a timely fashion, they drop me. *head desk 500 times*
Then, people’s comments. Oh, god. I can’t get to them fast enough either! And they’re important! I must make sure these people come back to know that I absolutely, without question, care! I am not running this blog as I used to, as I have always chosen to do so and I’m completely frozen. Do I sound completely insane here? Would most people say, “Just fuck it.”
3. Bloody Hell! Now the influx?
Before these people came marching through the door, I was SERIOUSLY (not for the nth time) considering taking my blog down. I just hadn’t decided in what way. Back up on WP of course, but just leave it sitting with comments off, erase it from the Internet completely? I didn’t know. I hadn’t enough “time” to make a decision.
4. The grass may or may not be greener.
I see all of these other bloggers who are in whatever conditions, and I feel are in rougher shape than I am. And yet they keep blogging away, lots of great posts, so many upbeat and funny material despite all they are going through. What am I doing? Nothing. Of course I have no clue what really is going on behind the keyboard, but as above, try telling my head that.
But for sake of argument, if I am right, and the person is worse off and producing excellent work, well for crissake! There’s no way I can turn myself into some mentalist Oprah Winfrey. Nor would I ever want to. *shudders* Maybe Oprah’s completely batshit, and out of her mind already. *ponders*
Does that help? And please, no pity. I am simply trying to be honest. I don’t want to sound like a victim of any sort.