Neuro lowered my Clobazam from 100mg to 80mg.  Right now this is the first “test drive” for the Typical Absence Status Epilepticus. I can only work it out every two weeks.  Because that’s when it rears its ugly head.

I don’t want to blog about being sick anymore but I’m going crazy.  I’ve been hiding it.  Of course.  Keep wearing that sane face.

I’ve been scratching my head for the last while like there are bugs all over it.  Scrape, Scrape, Scrape…

Nightmares.  I’ve also cried daily since this first test go ’round.  My Asperger’s has exploded!  My brain is screaming.  “Where did that other 20mg go!!!”

Med changes are always (or can be) insane but this is a “Special Case.”  Very.  I’m on/off.  Feeling alright but then pretty crappy.

And this is bad.  Very bad and I know it.  It’s like those bugs on my head.

The only way I can deal with all of the shit in my head is to drink.  I know.

My functionality is so messed up, I actually questioned when going out, am I craving alcohol? No, no.  I don’t…never have…

At least only that one minor seizure.  It’s just psychologically and emotionally things are way, way out of control.  Oh, and other physical ickiness.  Goes with the territory.

As always, open and honest posts on PAs wee blog.

Fuck me.  I’m like Amy.  “Rehab.”  But no.  Even though I am an alcoholic, not nearly as heavy a drinker like I used to be years and years ago.  And that is NOT denial.  I’ve cut way down.  WAY down, and not every day etc.  But now? “What time is it? Time to go to the pub.” Where I AM functional.  Oddly, ironically, I have no clue.  Neurologically in a very odd way? Theories of my own there.

So, I’m in a state right now.  Clearly.  I am now pulling at hair.

This won’t last.  It can’t.  Unfortunately, and not the best way, the only way I can get my stupid brain to shut up is have a few drinks.  Basically, daily.  Not my intention.  Not in the least.


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