Detox Day #4
Today, I am stubborn. Today, I am weak. I am stubborn because I wanted get to all of my outstanding blog comments. I am stubborn because I want to write this–no matter how tired I already am, and no matter how long it takes.
I am weak because I am filled with guilt and remorse. Am I also weak for wanting a drink just to make all of this go away? I know, I know. Addiction is an illness. It doesn’t make you “weak.” Having a drink will just make me sick anyway–despite how much it would temporarily ease, or even take away all the disgusting things I’m feeling from withdrawal. I’m still shocked. I thought I would be fine in a few days. And here’s some irony: I’m supposed to be attending two Christmas parties tonight!
But now that I am reliving a lot of things I’ve done when I’ve been totally blasted? If I told you some of them, I’d probably have the entire world reading my blog. Or, not a single person at all. Many of those things were to hurt me. That, I can live with. Sort of. Some of those things were brutal, awful, violent.
Although, what’s really doing me in, is the things I’ve done to hurt others. I can try and heal my own wounds, but is it at all possible I can heal theirs? Even a little? I cannot simply sweep it under the rug and say, “I’m sorry. I was drunk. I couldn’t help it.”
REASON BUT NOT AN EXCUSE!
I live by that credo. Or at least I started to when I got my brain sorted out after so many years. Before that, I would either say nothing about what happened, or do “the sweep.” Even now, no matter what you’re addicted to (and it’s not limited to drugs or alcohol!) I realize that a million apologies or more can never be enough. People have their limits and things get destroyed.
Detoxifying Dr. PA (who is not a real doctor) will now move on to more of the medical aspects regarding this. However, before I begin, a lot of you out there might be completely aghast. Aghast, due to the fact I’m alone at home doing this, and not in a proper Detox Facility. “Don’t do this at home kids” but I’m safe, I’m eating when I can and I’ll know if or when to get help. This just might take a bit more than a few days. Plus, I found a real neurological gem last night that seriously might help me. Read on…
But before the “gem” I had some other thoughts about the whole allergy/intolerance thing. I remembered I was stung by a bee years ago. I didn’t feel well after it happened. It was during my first attempt at uni so I went to see the nurses. They say if you have a reaction to a bee sting, if you get stung again you may have a more serious reaction. It can even go as far as anaphylactic shock! That’s why I’m extra-mental about bees, irrespective of a phobia to all insects.
I did quit drinking a few years ago as it started to give me migraines. Then, the problem went away after several months. Back to drinking. Perhaps like a bee sting, an allergy/intolerance is coming back in a HUGE way with my alcohol consumption!
Finally, the gem I mentioned above. It ties into all of the up-/downregulation business I wrote about in Detox Day #3.
Last night I was thinking just exactly why do they give you benzos in Detox? Surely it wouldn’t be (just?) to try and calm everybody down! Some addicts in Detox are going insane! What I’m going through? It’s rough for sure, but I’m not going out of my mind 24/7, screaming so loud they have to take me to Detox. So, benzos make Detox easier. Yes, I knew that, but why and how? Quick Google search and answer in two minutes.
I don’t need anyone to sell me some GABA anymore. Benzos knock on GABAs door like an angry mother and says, “Wake up! Wake up! What are you doing in there! You’re going to be late for school again!!! It’s already happened 18 times today! Wake up!”
Long acting benzos are what you want of course, and my Valium is set for the task. Instead of treating my Valium as a prn, I’m going to incorporate it into my treatment to try and get GABA to wake the hell up faster! I can take two a day prn. So really, all I’m doing is making my prn scheduled. prn means whenever you need one!
POSTSCRIPT: Just one more thing I wanted to check out. I’m totally nauseous all the time so regular Gravol/Dimenhydrinate schedule. Guess what? It likes to knock on GABAs door as well.