Today, I am stubborn.  Today, I am weak.  I am stubborn because I wanted get to all of my outstanding blog comments.  I am stubborn because I want to write this–no matter how tired I already am, and no matter how long it takes.

I am weak because I am filled with guilt and remorse.  Am I also weak for wanting a drink just to make all of this go away? I know, I know.  Addiction is an illness.  It doesn’t make you “weak.”  Having a drink will just make me sick anyway–despite how much it would temporarily ease, or even take away all the disgusting things I’m feeling from withdrawal.  I’m still shocked.  I thought I would be fine in a few days.  And here’s some irony: I’m supposed to be attending two Christmas parties tonight!

But now that I am reliving a lot of things I’ve done when I’ve been totally blasted? If I told you some of them, I’d probably have the entire world reading my blog.  Or, not a single person at all.  Many of those things were to hurt me.  That, I can live with.  Sort of.  Some of those things were brutal, awful, violent.

Although, what’s really doing me in, is the things I’ve done to hurt others.  I can try and heal my own wounds, but is it at all possible I can heal theirs? Even a little? I cannot simply sweep it under the rug and say, “I’m sorry.  I was drunk.  I couldn’t help it.”

REASON BUT NOT AN EXCUSE! 

I live by that credo.  Or at least I started to when I got my brain sorted out after so many years.  Before that, I would either say nothing about what happened, or do “the sweep.”  Even now, no matter what you’re addicted to (and it’s not limited to drugs or alcohol!) I realize that a million apologies or more can never be enough.  People have their limits and things get destroyed.

Detoxifying Dr. PA (who is not a real doctor) will now move on to more of the medical aspects regarding this.  However, before I begin, a lot of you out there might be completely aghast.  Aghast, due to the fact I’m alone at home doing this, and not in a proper Detox Facility.  “Don’t do this at home kids” but I’m safe, I’m eating when I can and I’ll know if or when to get help.  This just might take a bit more than a few days.  Plus, I found a real neurological gem last night that seriously might help me.  Read on…

But before the “gem” I had some other thoughts about the whole allergy/intolerance thing.  I remembered I was stung by a bee years ago.  I didn’t feel well after it happened.  It was during my first attempt at uni so I went to see the nurses.  They say if you have a reaction to a bee sting, if you get stung again you may have a more serious reaction.  It can even go as far as anaphylactic shock! That’s why I’m extra-mental about bees, irrespective of a phobia to all insects.

I did quit drinking a few years ago as it started to give me migraines.  Then, the problem went away after several months.  Back to drinking.  Perhaps like a bee sting, an allergy/intolerance is coming back in a HUGE way with my alcohol consumption!

Finally, the gem I mentioned above.  It ties into all of the up-/downregulation business I wrote about in Detox Day #3.

Last night I was thinking just exactly why do they give you benzos in Detox? Surely it wouldn’t be (just?) to try and calm everybody down! Some addicts in Detox are going insane! What I’m going through? It’s rough for sure, but I’m not going out of my mind 24/7, screaming so loud they have to take me to Detox.  So, benzos make Detox easier.  Yes, I knew that, but why and how?  Quick Google search and answer in two minutes.

I don’t need anyone to sell me some GABA anymore.  Benzos knock on GABAs door like an angry mother and says, “Wake up! Wake up! What are you doing in there! You’re going to be late for school again!!! It’s already happened 18 times today! Wake up!”

Long acting benzos are what you want of course, and my Valium is set for the task.  Instead of treating my Valium as a prn, I’m going to incorporate it into my treatment to try and get GABA to wake the hell up faster! I can take two a day prn.  So really, all I’m doing is making my prn scheduled. prn means whenever you need one!

POSTSCRIPT: Just one more thing I wanted to check out.  I’m totally nauseous all the time so regular Gravol/Dimenhydrinate schedule.  Guess what? It likes to knock on GABAs door as well.

Detox Day #2

Detox Day #3

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  1. The good news is that we are so much more than our diagnoses. We are our strengths. Thinking about my diagnoses sets the stage for me to live and act in accordance with them. Thinking about my strengths paves the way for me to live in line with them. From Barbara altman, author of Recovering from Depression, anxiety, and psychosis, available on Amazon.

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  2. Hi Barbara altman. You are right. I have been told that I identify with my diagnoses too much, and basically overlook what you are saying. I can see their point of view. Fair enough.

    I do not wish to argue or debate such matters–at least to the point of lunacy. One reader I knew who cared a lot about me told me I should go off all of my meds and have a full body detoxification and cleansing process done.

    Could you imagine? I already mentioned today that if I went off all of my meds I’d be dead. I mean that literally. It would only be a matter of time before I killed myself. God, I did a real bang up job while still on my meds! I landed my sorry ass in the ICU fully intubated on a respirator and in a coma for three days.

    But my “counter-argument” if you will, is my comorbidities (and crossover behaviours that occur but don’t warrant full diagnoses.) I mean, I’ve got a lot going on that “affects” who I am but certainly doesn’t “mean” who I am. Or that is “more” than I am.

    I understand that point of view as well. It’s just that the lines get a little blurry for me at times. Actually more than a little!

    My diagnoses and what comes along with them can leave me trapped and lost. The biggest example I can give you is growing up with Asperger’s as a teenager.

    It may be hard to grasp but I felt I had NO identity. WHATSOEVER. I knew NOTHING about myself. I couldn’t even understand what “MY” “SELF” meant. The only thing I knew for sure about my existence, was that I had a body and five senses.

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  3. Dear patient anonymous. I just want to pass this along. I’ve added something new to my routine. I read the book, the thyroid Solution, by Dr. Ahmed. I’ve added two does of T3 to my routine. It has made a HUGE difference. Also, acupuncture helps me when I’m depressed. By the way, I don’t mention this in my book, but I’m also asperger’s/ I did a detox program for this, detoxing vaccinations out of my system. This was one of the modalities that worked for me. With regard to detox, this is highly individual. I’ve seen horror stories with people who went off their meds. It worked for me, but it was not easy.

    I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep me informed on you you are doing

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  4. Hi Barbara altman. Way, way, way back, Dr. Asshole as I’ve referred to him on my blog (I gotta make a “Cast of Characters” Page!) did do a Thyroid Test. I think this was one of about three intelligent things he ever did.

    If Depression is suspected, a Thyroid Test should be done. I’ve mentioned this before somewhere on my blog.

    It is true that Thyroid issues can be tied to Depression. He even put me on T3 as an adjunct to Effexor. However, nothing made a difference anyway, as I misdiagnosed. Not Depression but Bipolar! And as you’ve probably read, I’m one of the Bipolar Gang where taking ADs just make my Bipolar worse!

    Also, I have a little trick up my sleeve for discontinuing Effexor. For the majority of people it is sheer hell.

    When you get right down to the lower levels and your brain is totally melting, take a few days of Prozac–straight up until you’re done. I don’t know why, but Prozac “tricks” your brain re: the Effexor, thinking it’s still balanced out. When clearly it’s not, because you’re almost off it!

    Acupuncture is awesome. I was having a Shiatsu session done (which is also awesome but you have to like a bit of pain.)

    My left hip wouldn’t rotate as smoothly as my right. The pins were put in, just for a bit, and holy crap! My left hip went so easily around I felt like someone had poured motor oil on it!

    I’ve got to get some physio done but I know my body isn’t ready for Shiatsu! Well, maybe with a million acupuncture needles. Just stretching is so difficult. Dummy, crap ass, PA. I’ve got to make calls to all of these places!

    Thanks for sharing you’re an Aspie too. W00t!

    I was thinking last night about all the ballyhoo of “causes” of Autism and Asperger’s. Me being such a strong anti-vaccer and so much else. But that’s for another day. We all have to play nice.

    However, I agree that messing about with loads of strategies can be extremely dangerous! Especially with kids! I mean, for fuck’s sake! Quit putting your children through hell and just love them for who they are.

    I can’t think of ANYTHING worse than a kid getting treated like a chemistry experiment by their parents. Even MORE DISGUSTING if they’re non-verbal. They can’t even say, “Ouch.”

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  1. 1 Detox Day #5 and #6 « Patient Anonymous: Just Another Head Case

    […] Detox Day #4 […]

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