Detox Day #5 was yesterday.  Not so good.

I woke up so completely depressed I tried to keep things as dark as possible in my apartment.  I screamed at the sun to fuck off.  I only left my bed to go to the bathroom to fill up my water bottle, piss after drinking said water, and change the most “make-you-want-to-rip-your-heart-out” CDs.  Then I lied not moving at all in a rather(?) significant Dissociative state.  After a long time I think I moved.  The sun went down.  All was black. *sighs*  I guess I had to turn on a light.

That’s why I didn’t post a damn thing on this blog.  Although, as the night moved on, time for some more Bipolar hypomanic euphoria! That’s how I ended up actually looking at Twitter when I couldn’t be arsed to at all earlier.  Maybe that godawful depression was linked to some Bipolar activity as well.  I didn’t care.   Until the euphoria ended pretty quickly and I was plunged into a state of depression again.

There’s more to the picture than all of this Detox stuff happening now though.  Look at what time of year it is! Not good for me.  I thought if I maybe went to my mother’s place it might help.  At least people would be around me? Or something? No go.  Her husband has prostate cancer and is deteriorating in other ways.  She needs to be with him 24/7.  I can’t make the trip on my own.  At least not now.

Fine.  Another Christmas alone.  And I already know it’s going to be a bad one.  I don’t have to “wait and see” like other years.  I’m going to “fight” to not make it bad.  Pfft.  Well, I can still try.  Pfft.

More family bullshit went down, there are more Christmas triggers than just family, let’s toss my epilepsy in here now–Typical Absence Status Epilepticus.  Am I missing anything? If so, does it matter? That’s enough.  Go lick a frozen pole and get your tongue stuck to it so hard, it has to be cut off with garden shears.

Oh, I’m not talking to you guys if there’s any confusion.

Thus, now on Detox Day #6, I have no bloody clue what is going on.  Although, I do think I am feeling better somewhat in that area.  Maybe all of the neurochemistry theories that I mentioned in the previous posts are proving to help? Or, it could just be the time factor.  I just want to start feeling better.  Ah, I think I forgot to mention the headaches every day.  Like someone had taken an axe to my skull.  They are gone now.  Definite improvement there.

Still, a thought last night.  When I get well, what if I can’t cling to what is in my head, what I know? How sick drinking makes me? What if all of the sudden it doesn’t anymore, like the migraines I also mentioned earlier?

I said to someone that the hardest part of all this would be getting through the Detox.  After that, I’ll be fine because I’ll know it makes me sick.  Will the “hardest” part be the Detox? Or will it really be when I’m able to get out, function again, and enter places where they serve alcohol?

I’m trying to work on that concept now.  Along with, “How about sticking your cock or all parts your vulva to the frozen pole along with your tongue? Then you get forced to eat raw sheep innards as well.”  Yes.  All of that stuff.

If you don’t hear anything further in terms of counting these days, it means either nothing has changed, I’m going through all the above, and it’s probably flat out fucked me over.  If that’s the case, let’s hope I don’t find myself near any frozen poles.  No matter how much I want to “fight.”


Detox Day #2

Detox Day #3

Detox Day #4

  1. I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this and I am glad that you are alive. Detox is a medical event which requires medical intervention in order to do it safely. You are fortunate that you are alive. Detoxing at home is dangerous.

    Meanwhile…alcoholism is addition to alcohol. An alcoholic cannot use drugs safely. An addict cannot use alcohol safely. Just because I never used say crack [It wasn’t around when I was out there] does not mean that I can use it safely now. Just saying.

    Here’s one thing that may help a tiny bit. The highs and lows feed each other. When I feel speedy, extra alive, manic or hypomanic and I race around and feed that particular high, I will get higher.

    When I feel low, logy, not moving out of bed, slow, got the slows, not doing nothing, not wanting to do nothing, apathetic and I get mokus and do nothing, I will get lower.

    The highs and lows feed each other.

    So, when I feel high, hyped up, speedy, that is the time to force myself to move slowly and deliberately.

    When I feel low, mokus, blah, that is the time to force myself to move faster and do stuff at a faster pace.

    The idea is to aim toward the middle. Use of properly prescribed meds help, but we must work with the meds.

    The highs and lows feed each other.

    Very best wishes on your recovery. I believe in your infinite ability to be able to figure out what is best for you.

    Fondly, a fan of your blog


  2. i’ve never been through detox. But I was raised in an alcoholic home. I’ve seen the devastation. I know what my father went through when he quit drinking. It was difficult.
    Barbara altman, author of recovering from Depression, anxiety, and psychosis, available on amazon.


  3. I’m a fan of your blog too. And I wish you well in every area of your life!


  4. Congratulations on reaching detox day number five!


  5. Hi SpikedUp Frog (@SpikedUpFrog). Welcome to my blog. And with a name like that, I would definitely remember if you’d been here before. I think? *laughing*

    I’m going to start with the end of your comment which is kind of weird in terms of how people usually write here.

    Oh, dear. *hangs head*


    Goddamn! Bloody hell! Shoot me with a dart in the heart!

    This is one of those moments when I get blasted with something so meaningful from a first time commenter, it just about fucking kills me! Thank you. Thank you so much.

    As far as Detox, I do believe that it should be done in a proper medical setting. However, I was not so bad off that I knew I’d be alright at home. But please know I’m not trying to argue with you. I knew if I ran into any serious problems, right away I’d get help!

    Dr. PA (who is not a real doctor) can be a bit of a stupid idiot at times–depending upon your perspective. Nonetheless, I always tell people NOT to do what I am doing or what I did. Counteractive or counterintuitive? Well, I guess because it’s my own blog, I can write what I want, and I don’t censor myself. I don’t censor any of my commenters, either.

    Further, not to toot my own horn or brag, I know medically what to do and proper protocol and procedures. I’ve studied medicine in various ways, as well–including emergency settings for over 20 years in that area.

    For the Detox, I figured out quickly how to work with the Neurochemistry and I was spot on. I only thought I’d be sick for a couple of days, but it took just a bit longer and healthy Dr. PA.

    I think the craziest thing that people may not believe I’ve done, is suture two of my cuttings. Indeed. They were left in long enough, treated properly and no infections at all. So, depending upon your perspective again, Dr. PA is either a stupid idiot, or someone who is smart and knows what she is doing.

    When I told a friend about the suturing, he was shocked at first. Then he said, “I want you on a wilderness camping trip!”

    Sorry, ramble about me trying to save my reputation(?)

    With all of the comorbidities I have, I am completely med compliant. I’d be dead if I wasn’t. Seriously.

    I also agree with you that addicts can not ever use safely and (presumably?) the cycle will never end. I’m catching up on comments here, but I already wrote that I tested red wine vs. beer in terms of the allergic reaction. It was fine. I only had two glasses and that was it. I felt no desire to drink any more of it.

    That is not to say I could completely fall off the wagon at some point, and things will just end up with me drinking all the time, and getting piss-ass wasted every day again. Or it could mean I don’t want any alcohol ever. Maybe in small bits? Even still, I do think the majority will try and quit whatever they are addicted to and relapse.

    Yet, there are people who can maintain a balance and perspective to limit themselves. My problems are with psychological triggers. I am not physically addicted. That’s why I thought the Detox on my own wouldn’t be such a problem. And now since I’m “clean” I haven’t felt one physical urge to drink anything.

    So, ideally, if I can find a way to manage my psychological triggers? That will be very successful and take me a long way down the road.

    Ah, your highs and lows? That can be really hard for me at times. A lot of problems with physical illness and the mind-body connection, right? I can’t force myself. Some days I have and boy do I pay for it the next day+ later.

    Take care hon and I hope what I’ve written hasn’t offended you in any way. Still terribly sleep deprived but I wanted to try and get to everyone’s comments today.


    Hi Barbara altman. Thanks for saying you’re a fan too! *gins*

    By the time I had reached these days, I was feeling fine. Nobody heard from me for a bit because I was having a hard time with Christmas. It’s a very triggery time of year for me.

    I’m sorry for anything you had to go through growing up. There was not any alcoholism in my family growing up (that I know of courtesy of my Dissociative Amnesia and PTSD.) Hell, there certainly may have been!

    What I do know is the havoc and destruction it has wreaked upon my own life. I finally woke up and saw what was going on around me, what had happened throughout my life, and knew everything would just say the same if I didn’t stop. Or at least try.


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