Archive for February, 2013

Hi.  I’ve just been trying to “exercise” my brain but I think I rode the bike too far.

I was trying to go through A LOT of Twitter follows.  I had to stop at this month.  The emails went all the way back to December.

I was seeing stars not just from where I’d starred the actual emails, but from waaaayyyy beyond! I was also longing for one single button to click on, to just follow everybody!

Some of you weren’t there or dropped me or whatnot, so if you still want me, come knocking on my door.

Comments here? Uh, sorry there.  Twitter was more of a robotic task.  No writing.  Except this?

However, I have been trying to write.  Absurdly, so.

It’s too bad my brain is THIS screwed up by my insane epilepsy at this time–note stupid head injury making things even worse.

Maybe if it was a little less screwed, I could come up with some really funky stuff! Like craaaayyyyzzzzyyyy stuff.  Oh.  But with a lot of spelign mytsaeks.

I often think I am the reincarnation of Dostoyevsky, only in female form at times like this.

Except he produced so much of his greatest work while having his seizures (but unfortunately paid dearly in pain afterward.)

I never seem to be able to do shit.

Due to what happened written on February 11, 2013 I now have this.  Up there.  In the subject line.

It is making everything to due with my epilepsy worse.  As a matter of fact, it may be making some of my comorbidities worse too.  ADD, Asperger’s.  Maybe even my PTSD but…? Oh, fuck.  Just add it.  My emotions are screwed, so why not???

So’s my stomach.  So’s everything.  Migraines? Fine.  That too.

I cannot believe the state I am in.  However, there are brief occasions where I do laugh.  That is because some things I do are beyond comprehension.  Actually meaning, beyond comprehension of things I have already done and do, being as insane as I am, despite this little problem.

I don’t know when I’ll be back.  In any form.  Anywhere.

I don’t know anything right now.

Except it’s time to take some Advil and Gravol.

I’ve hit my head on: brick walls, cement, wood, hard flooring with no carpeting, hard flooring with carpeting, metal armrests on chairs, windows, just regular walls, hell, as a kid I even put my head through a wall!

I’m really out of it now due to suffering a TBI a few days ago.  I beg for your patience.  Nonetheless, something happened to me unlike anything before in my life with a TBI.

Since I live alone, I have to work on “seizure prompts.”  Some are questionable (did I?)  Some are patently obvious.  Like waking up with Todd’s paresis from the neck down–COMPLETELY PARALYZED.  Patently obvious I had a tonic-clonic.  That is how I woke up on my kitchen floor.  Logically following, my head would have been banging around all over a very hard surface.

My memory is a huge disaster regarding all of this.  I say “all” because some other freaky shit happened before I had the tonic-clonic.   Maybe I seized again after after the tonic-clonic! Or…the freaky shit may have happened when I was somewhere post-“ick”tal© along the way.  But I don’t buy that.

Freaky shit.  When I’m unconscious and seizing at night, I have to wait until I wake up the next morning to survey my surroundings–and look for any freaky shit! Based upon what I saw, I think I definitely figured out what happened! A Complex Partial that led to a tonic-clonic (very common.)

I was out.  Vague memory of coming into my building, but once inside my apartment, MEMORY GONE!

I woke up and some things were “right” but some things seemed WRONG!

I had done all the regular things from coming inside, putting my keys where they go, taking off my hat and putting it where it goes, ditto my boots…  I think you get it.  But my coat.  Its hood has a zipper.  I had removed the entire thing and thrown it on the floor. I never, ever remove it.  Automatisms.  For your reading pleasure:

Automatisms may occur in the setting of complex-partial seizures. Typical simple movements include lip smacking, chewing, or finger rubbing. More complex automatisms include walking, running, undressing, and speaking. Emotional expressions, such as laughing or crying, may also occur as automatisms. Automatisms may occur during seizures or as post-ictal phenomena. Speech automatisms tend to lateralize to the left hemisphere but lateralization is not predictable for other automatisms (Rasonyi, Fogarasi, Kelemen, Janszky, & Halasz, 2006). Responsiveness is usually lost when automatisms occur during seizures.

I’ve done several automatisms.  However, I’ve never gone so far as to strip down!!! Because there were clothes in places where they shouldn’t have been.  Like my underwear at the front door!!! I also woke up with just my T-shirt on.  Apart from my head, I’ve injured my tail bone somewhat.  My clothes would have protected my tail bone!!!

I’m way off topic from my TBI here, but I felt it important to let you know how crazy it was for me to get it in the first place.  Moreover, because it was so crazy, consequences occurred as a result.  All the above was pretty complicated.

When I woke up, I thought, ‘Ah wonderful.  Yet another damn bonk to my bean!’ I had a headache, of course.  But later in the day, it exploded.  I thought my ENTIRE HEAD was going to explode.  It was kind of like this…  Which is actually quite dangerous if you experience one after a TBI.  In case you don’t click on the link, I’ll just mention bleeding brains to keep it simple.

Later into the evening, more things became worse.  Altered states of consciousness.  I was losing mental function FAST! Then my gross motor skills were shot! I was risking falls when walking and DID fall several times when the paramedics came.

I was strapped to the Ambulance gurney as it was Seizure Central. If you can believe it, I had a “not too bad” Simple partial in Triage while they were charting me and making my band! Oh, my legs a’ kickin’, my eyes rollin’ an’ blinkin’, all’s black ‘cuz I go blind! This is a typical type for me.  I always “go blind.”

I normally would have ignored this.  Just another bonk to my bean, right? But when things took a turn for the worst, I still had that option.  I could have told myself to just try and sleep, you’re sick, everything will be fine tomorrow…

I wanted to.  I did.  But my body was telling me I HAD to get medical attention immediately.  YOU CANNOT FUCK AROUND WITH A TBI WHEN IT’S GETTING WORSE, AND MAKING YOU SICKER!!!

My CT Scan was clear.  No bleeds.  No skull fractures.  Maybe I just got lucky.

I’m still disgustingly ill from everything today.  I ache from head to toe.  I tried to use two canes but I don’t have the upper body strength to do it.  But as sick as am, I don’t care! I’ll suffer as much as I have to if it means, “I got lucky.”

I also wanted to get this post up, which has required a lot of mental strength.  People were worried, didn’t know what was going on.  I was placed into the Resuscitation Area from seizing so much.  I had to be all hooked up to constantly monitor my vitals, I had IVs running for meds and blood draws.  I couldn’t use of my mobile to contact anyone.

I’d also like to dedicate this post to my good friend, and fellow TBI survivor Broken Brain – Brilliant Mind. I love ya, buddy.