Well, I’m still extremely disgusted about my behaviour from last night.  However, it’s in the past.  Get up, try and dust yourself off and climb back up on the mule again.

But had I received a certain document in the mail yesterday, rather than today? On top of everything else? There would have been ABSOLUTELY NO QUESTION PERIOD OF GETTING SO DISGUSTINGLY WASTED LAST NIGHT!!!

I knew it.  I did.  Just hearing a few, vague words from both Non-Arsey Neuro and Sweetie GP.  I saw them within the last week or two.  What I also saw was the two-and-half-page dictation from my consult with this “Specialist” (oh, he’s special, I won’t argue that!) for my ongoing epilepsy shit.

It’s really quite simple.  You’ve all read it here.

1. Patient developed Typical Absence Status Epilepticus of catamenial origin.

2. Patient lost drug used to treat it, subsequently made everything to do with ALL of Patient’s epilepsy worse.

3. Patient has resumed drug but is still having convulsive seizures with a non-convulsive syndrome when she never had convulsive seizures with it from the start.

4. Patient is still gravely ill, cannot perform everyday functions, plus cannot leave her home for days.

What did I know (or was 99.58385% sure) he was going to say? I’m having Psychogenic Seizures.  And he DID.

Although, I wasn’t prepared for some surprises! All wrapped up in such pretty paper with shiny ribbons and bows!

He misquoted me! He made me sound like I was a simpering, whimpering idiot! His writing about me even had little tinkle of a bell to hear.

Maybe I’m a little sensitive about all of this.  It’s only  been going on for years.  It’s now at the point where its starting to actually effect and break down other systems of my body.  It’s altered my life where I…loss! LOST! I WILL NEVER GET THINGS BACK!!!

I don’t hear any tinkling of bells.  I hear him swinging a mallet against a gong, trying to smash it.

So what’s deal with all the tinkling and gonging? Psychogenic Seizures are real.  But his tone.  And he also mentioned figuring out things quickly, so as not to waste medical resources.  I see.  Or hear?


Are you calling me a “malingerer?” Along with everything else you’ve tried to depict me as? Doing so as 3-year-old with broken crayons? Broken because you keep biting and chewing on them?

I understand he wants to do proper testing etc… but I can’t live like this.  I won’t live like this.  There may be a point when I really won’t live like this.  If you catch my drift.

And if you think THAT drift is being a “malingerer?” Well, I actually told my mother straight to her face that I’d off myself.  That yes, I would do it if things became so unbearable, I just couldn’t handle it anymore.

You could say that I was “malingering” myself all over my mother, but when I tried to kill myself, ended up on life support in the ICU, she was actually there every step of the way and after.  Thus, my mother does not think I am a “malingerer.”  She never displayed any emotion to me then.

When I told her about the future? An interesting, also minimal reaction.

She placed her hands flat together and put them to her mouth. She shook her head, ever so slightly.  I could see some tears welling up in her eyes but she didn’t cry.  I knew the tears were for both of us though.  She wouldn’t want me to die, of course.  But her tears also acknowledged that if my suffering did become too much, if that was what I had to do, she understood.

Nonetheless, I haven’t reached that point yet.  If anything, I feel like committing homicide, not suicide.

Time to have a serious chat with Non-Arsey Neuro.  This needs to get straightened out.


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