Archive for May, 2013

I just had to run inside and grab baby MacBook as this is way too cool.  I couldn’t wait to write it later.

The weather’s been fantastic the last two days so I’ve gone out to sit on my patio to read and/or do some writing.  I only end up stopping and set whatever I’m doing in my lap.  I can’t take my eyes off what I’m seeing.  And I don’t even need binoculars!

My patio stretches the entire length of my floor.  Everyone else above has only small balconies.  We all stick to our own spaces unless we chat with neighbours in theirs.  For this? My spot is the best! There’s a tree growing directly in front of my door–well, not literally! *laughing* But you get it.

The birds! And they don’t even give a shit! Well, one did.  All over my door! *laughs again*  What I mean to say is, they come up so close to me and completely ignore my presence.  Why? They just want to get laid!!!

I don’t know anything about birds, what kind they are, except the really obvious: Robins, Blue Jays, Cardinals, Parrots, Toucans…

Yesterday, there were these two little brown ones and they were rolling around all over each other! Talk about Dirty Bird P0rn! More interestingly though, was a black female of some type picking up all sorts of twigs and things clearly to build a nest.  I kept trying to look up to see where it was but she was flying back and forth too fast.  Well today, I found out where it is–and exactly where I figured it was.

From her direction of flight back and forth, someone’s balcony. The person above me has a big hole lacking the proper fitting for their outside light.  Granted, I had some help.  From Daddy?

WOW! If he wasn’t “Daddy” yet? Boy, did he WANT to be! I’ve been sitting here for several hours now, and (presumed) “Daddy” has been almost screaming: “I’m so fucking horny! Where the hell ARE you WOMAN!!!”

I could also tell he was serious “Daddy” material.  When close enough, I could see his colour differences (males are always more “pretty”–or somehow different–than females to attract and sometimes even compete within all species.)  Except for HUMANS! Oh, god no!

From a further distance, he was preening like nuts, spreading his wings out all over and puffing his chest out so much, it looked like it was going to burst!

ASIDE: Oh, bugger! It looks like it’s going to start raining! Don’t make me have to go inside!!!

So I watched “Daddy” fly around a bit, sit in the tree.  He was still screaming like crazy.  Then he flew down to the ground not far from me.  He picked up a green leaf from a weed growing out of the brick and flew directly up to the nest.  I don’t think that was a gift of courtship.  My guess is he’s helping to pad the nest? He’s also trying to figure out where his damn wife is!

“Goddammit, Woman! Aren’t you back from shopping YET??? Do I have to do this ALL BY MYSELF???”

I look forward to seeing more of this stuff going on.  Absolutely! I also look forward to seeing the babies as they’re just above me.

Maybe I’ll even get lucky to have an egg fall down far enough over the person’s balcony.  I’ve collected Robin’s Eggs all my life so I know what colour they are! I want one of these ones though! I wonder what colour they’ll be.

Try to pay attention to Nature as much as you can.  It can be excellent therapy or simply make you feel good and really happy.

A bit of a twist on: “When you’re mental, you really find out who your friends are.”

Today? Jesus H. Christ! A blessing, really.  And the “H” can be any ugly, disgusting word you wish to think of on your own.  I don’t care.

I don’t care.  And considering a friendship has just blown up today, the fact I don’t care? That’s a very good thing for me. Normally I’d be be curled up in a ball, bawling for ages from either my PTSD, an Aspie meltdown or both! WHAT DID I DO WRONG?!?!?!?!?

Okay.  I care.  I do have feelings.  They’re just not running that deep here?

I met this woman in February.  Great! A new friend? Clearly she has some psych issues of her own per the title up there.  Or if it’s not clear, she does.  So what? I do too.

Bipolar I.  An addict.  Maybe more things Dr. PA could diagnose her with now!

I saw Red Flags from the start, but maybe only flying at half mast? Three quarter? Well, alright.  I give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  Especially when I first meet them! I don’t even know them!

Oy.  Needy, selfish, temperamental, even prone to rages, an artist who doesn’t give a shit she’s on the wrong meds, let alone taking them at all.  One of those, “…they take away my creativity…” types. Fine.  Go ahead and pay the price for your cycling and don’t listen to me.  You need to get sorted with your meds and take them! 

Can’t tell a person something they don’t want to hear. *shrugs*

However, she also had a very sweet, caring, supportive (in opposition to her non-supportive) side.  She was fiercely loyal and extremely generous.  The first night we met, she gave me about 10 CDs as pressies to take home! And more pressies came over time.  She always wanted to feed me because of my health–and did if I was hungry.  And did if I was NOT!

Problems and minor conflicts would occur but we both agreed that things shouldn’t get out of hand.  Just explain.  Okay.   Got it. Understood.  Thanks for clearing that up.  At times I became frustrated, but it was tricky because all of her positive qualities would sort of counterbalance things.  What’s a PA to do? *shrugs*

She had this MAJOR issue with HER BOUNDARIES as well.  Fine. Dealt with.  Today? MY BOUNDARIES.  

For only the second time in my life, “The Decision.”

Do I give this person, and this friendship, one more chance? I knew that was what I had to do even though my mind kept going over and over it.  I also think in the back of my mind, one more chance wouldn’t mean shit.  It would only be a matter of time before I’d have to pull the plug.  Why?

Sending some txts as I’m sick with this stupid pneumonia.  We had plans to get together some time this week.  I was just talking about some things in her life and mine and sort of the world at large.  Out of the blue she tells me to fuck off and I’m being Passive-aggressive.  Uh, wha…?

Online communication can misunderstood so easily.  So I start explaining what I meant.  I was in NO WAY being Passive-aggressive! Then I get interrupted saying, she’s cool, but sick.  So talk later in the week.  How many times have I heard that before? Many.  Avoiding issues by saying she’s sick.

I was also wondering if I was hearing something else.  The sound of my chain getting yanked.  Nonetheless, irrelevant.  It all came down to that statement.

Never in my life, in the most toxic and abusive friendships, any relationship, has someone actually told me to, “Fuck off.”  Other garbage like Passive-aggressive? Whatever.  It was also such a goddamn lightning bolt due to communication prior! Sure, get upset but THAT is going completely overboard! 

I told her she had crossed MY BOUNDARIES and we were going to have a serious talk.  How did I know this was going to happen?

Immediate response to my email: “We cannot be friends anymore.”

*pregnant pause for you to take this in and ponder it for a while*

I wasn’t simply going to let her off the hook with that! Are you kidding? I gave a bit of a bitch slap back with two fingers.  Then ended my email by taking a climb up the high road, saying it was a pleasure to meet her and I really enjoyed the time we spent together.

Something must have tweaked in the nice half of her brain.  We had both already said take care and all of that, but she thanked me for getting her through a lot of hard stuff.  Nice to be recognized for something.  I told her that she was welcome and I was happy to do it.

THE END. *shakes head*

In case anyone stumbles upon this and has no clue what I’m talking about, this post was generated from: How Being a Cyborg Isn’t So Bad?

I left off at hearing the voices of my dead twins. Actually, better termed as Womb Twins for my Category here, Womb Twin Survivor.  I also said I’d try to keep any medical-type stuff out of the (these) post(s.) Sorry! Absolutely necessary.  Plus, absolutely necessary for some talk about my Therapist–and how NOT crazy I am according to her!

*shuffles medical study papers*

Once upon a time, a long time ago, there were two VERY OLD Psychiatrists.  Their names were Vygotsky and Modell.  They both had some ideas of hearing “voices” in your head.

Vygotsky coined the term, “Inner Talk.”  What he meant, was if we said something in our own heads like, “Oh you bloody idiot, you forgot AGAIN!” Then, Modell had a different opinion.  He said, “Hmmm…well, thanks, Vy.  But I think you’re missing something.  There’s something MORE to this.”

So, he went out to find is “MORE.”  How? He grabbed a bunch of Schizophrenics for a study.  Nothing against Schizophrenics, but certainly back then, the best population. “Okay, guys,” he said.  “LISTEN AWAY!!!”

What happened? MY HEAD FLEW OFF MY SHOULDERS.  Wait. That comes later.  But you might figure out why anyway.

The people in the study certainly heard a lot.  But it was what they heard that was pretty spectacular.  The voices were somehow known to them.  Very familiar and even comforting.  Sometimes, they were literally “familiar” in terms of family members who may have been deceased.  Moreover, they all seemed to be offering guidance; forms of help.

Ever since then, Modell’s version of a “VAH” (Verbal Auditory Hallucination) has been landmarked as the standard since 1980.

On a personal note, I will not say that you can’t deviate from Modell’s VAH.  It’s not carved in stone.  However, it’s carved in something that’s pretty damn solid.  I will also say that Schizophrenics definitely do not always have such “comforting” VAHs! No.

Can you see how my head flew off my shoulders up there? Family. Dead.  Comfort.  My lost Womb Twins.

Of course I brought this to my Therapist! She is excellent.  I am blessed to have her.  I needed a highly targeted Therapist.  One who could help me with my PTSD.  Hell, I can use CBT on myself. And it works! Nonetheless, extremely daunting as who out there can really attack PTSD (not to mention my Dissociative Amnesia of such extreme proportions!)

On the first day we first met, she described how she worked as “eclectic.”  I thought I’d died and gone to heaven.  One meeting and that was it.  Usually it takes several to see if you’re (possibly) a good match!

The twins were already on the table.  Her take?  That was fine.  I wasn’t crazy.  If it was comforting and not harmful to me, that’s great! I brought her Vygotsky and Modell.  Check this out! Her take? WOW! THIS REALLY IS AWESOME PA!

The above, irrespective of Vy. and Mod. could otherwise have me locked up for the rest of my life, in a closet that was just one big pillow!

I’ve told her stuff that will NEVER, EVER be posted on this blog. It’s beyond all comprehension, all sanity and is so confusing! Her take? That sounds SO amazing! It’s like you’re feeling a sense of freedom.  A sense where you don’t have to worry about anyone.  Not anyone else.  You can just BE YOU!

I still don’t get that! Maybe someday I will.  But that’s one part of therapy.

At times, you have to give it up, let it go and fully trust your Therapist.  It doesn’t mean you’re some kind of puppet! But if you’re working on the really intense stuff–that’s when you have to surrender some of yourself–and it can usually be a big part.  Scary at first? Might feel automatic in the future!

So being a Cyborg isn’t so bad at all! At least for me! Although I’m not sure if I still am.  All of the intense fevers that were making me delirious were the result of very bad pneumonia.  I’m now starting antibiotics.

It’s alright.  I once had a Simple partial seizure where I was completely convinced I was a form of AI (Artificial Intelligence.)  I became Data from Star Trek! No, I was a different form.

Did it scare me? Oh my god, no!!! It was the BEST Sensory Simple partial I’ve ever had! I LOVED IT!!!

Oh, right.  I almost forgot.  I said to remember the words logic and psychologicical.  I’m not going to offer any explanations or comments.  You think about them and what I’ve written if you wish.

No, there is no “apparently” because I actually do.

My GP called me today as she knows I’m now home from hospital. She wanted to see how I was feeling and then for the first time (I believe ever?) had to ask me the same question twice.  Our conversation became a dance entitled: “Tchaikovsky’s WTF?” 

Here is how it went.  I also believe every patron regrets paying a single cent for the performance.  Well, she was very good. Nonetheless, I also believe this was the worst pas de deux in the history of ballet.  Ever.

I made my appearance on stage with the most abhorrent jeté I’ve ever done. Due to that, when I landed I did an unintentional sway back.  I managed to recover and attempted my tendu.  My leg was exactly as high in the air as it should have been.  Fantastic! Not so fantastic? It was so out of pose.  My knee was so bent and twisted, it looked completely sideways toward the audience while I was facing them.  I couldn’t find my foot either. 

Okay.  Let’s call this “Improvisation.”  Not “Car Accident.”

I was hoping everyone was really focussed on my GP doing a wonderful glissade until we became close enough, but not quite enough to embrace.  She held my forearm for a brief pause as the music continued.

I whispered, “Hey, what’s up?”

She said, “They didn’t give you antibiotics for the pneumonia on the X-rays?”

I looked at her strangely and even if the audience noticed my expression, it would have been fine for the pas de deux.

We separated and I made my way through a bourrée en dehors.  I made the circle a lot smaller than it should have been! However, I really didn’t do myself any favours there.  I still had to keep time to meet up again with my GP! I NOW needed to stay on pointe for a lot longer! “En dehors, out the door INDEED!”

I started to wobble.  Did I fail to tie my shoes correctly? Are they too loose? Did someone steal my shoes and leave theirs in my own little, storage space? I looked out of the corner of my eye.  I couldn’t believe what I saw, but most importantly, my GP was going to rescue me!

She had already done several, massive changements that were not in the initial choreography.  They’d never even been considered.  I knew what this meant.  Her changements were a way of getting her frustration out.  Immediately behind me, her arm around my waist for another brief pause.  Only a very slow (thank god!) turn.  I stretched my right arm out in a simple allongé, palm down. The IV puncture in my arm was killing me!

Again, she spoke, “So they really didn’t give you..?!”

I stopped her.  “They told me the X-rays were just fine!”

Now I know the possible problem.  Perhaps?

I was asymptomatic, but my Immune System (that’s pretty messed up already) somehow REALLY kicked into high gear.  Did it start beating up on a “soon-to-be-sick” PA? Explanation for 11 days of the extremely high fevers, making me go out of my mind and totally delirious?

Well, I’m symptomatic now.  I’ve been coughing and hacking at the barre, in my dressing room, just everywhere.  All day and night.

Now, it was time for me to finish the performance.  I had no clue what to do as I felt myself start to cough.  Shit! Ah, to hell with it.

All they got with Tchaikovsky now booming for my finale was this: a weak échappé demi-pointe, and one more allongé as I could not deal with that needle puncture anymore! I then walked off the stage like a zombie.

Entering the wings as a zombie, I started to hear a lot of applause. I smiled and knew it was for my GP.  She dragged me out to bow, and I did–only because I had become a zombie.  We were both presented with our on stage bouquets, but I looked down and saw flowers.  Red Roses for my GP, White Roses for me.

Someone even brought a very young girl to the stage.  Her hair tied in a tight, ballerina bun and she had a beautiful, lace dress on. She was also holding so many White Roses I was amazed they could fit into her tiny hand!

Too shy to say anything, only a smile.  A man lifted her up so I could reach the flowers.  I leaned close to her ear to thank her and tell her how beautiful she looked.  I shook her hand and then the man placed the concert program with a pen into my hand.  I smiled back at her and signed it.  Now the entire theatre was screaming!

My GP and I took one more bow and exited.  I took the young girl’s flowers with me.  I’ll be sure to smell them every time I have to take all of these antibiotics I have now.

CODA: With great apologies to Suzanne Farrell, Jacques d’Amboise and George if he was still with us today.  Although, if you two somehow read this insanity, you might just dismiss it as, well…insanity!

I’m composing an email to my mother right now.  We haven’t spoken in months.

She might be feeling guilty as she never called me on my birthday in March–so she feels she can’t talk to me at all.  Well, gotta fix that up.  Because I don’t give a bad goddamn fuck about my birthday! So, if this is the ONLY year in my life when it slipped by? Pfft.

She also needs to know I’m sick.  How much I don’t know, possibly getting worse, being shipped off to a Urologist/Nephrologist (from now on I’m just going to use Nephrologist.)  That I don’t know.  I do know I’ll have to make up a new Category: Nephrology.

I haven’t gotten the third round of tests back–C&S (Culture and Sensitivity.)  That’s an uber-drill down for microbial action.  All my fevers, perhaps? Hang on to your thermometers there.  The Ultrasounds? I don’t know those results either.

I should probably make a Serious Med Geek clarification about my first test re: the Creatinine.  I had bloods AND urine done.  This was no doubt the tip off as Creatinine is normally found in urine! I was so totally-out-of-it-sick to explain the problem!

What any decent physician should do, is quickly and easily look at both the Creatine in the urine and the blood.  Compare and contrast the levels in both the urine and the plasma.  This gives you a pretty good idea of the Kidney’s Glomerular Filtration Rate (GFR.)  Mine apparently fell out of range.

Fevers.  I think I should remove “You Give Me Fever” (in whatever form) from my iTunes Collection permanently.

Last night took me over the edge.

They’ve all been lasting since May 10.  Around 102°F to maybe a degree higher.  Ibuprophen does nothing except maybe down a notch for a few hours.  And they DO make me delirious! In one simple way, I can feel like I’ve been shot up with loads of morphine!

10 days now.  Last night.  This is like a bad re-run of going into Isolation last August from what began as “a simple cough.”  At least now I know what the hell’s going on.

Last night I FELT like I was in hell! My fever was so high I couldn’t even get a reading! At least 105°F as I can get that.  I tried my underarm (like you do with a baby.)  FUCK!!! STILL NOTHING!!!

This is dangerous.  You could die.  Along with everything else? IBUPROPHEN! 10,000mg! STAT!

I kept drifting in and out of sleep (better not have been consciousness!) but I thought I was awake the whole time.  Finally, after a while, a reading: 104°F under my arm! Later, 103°F under my arm! Oh, thank god.

I’m still on fire but extreme, medical emergency averted for now. For now?

Holiday here today but keep sending massive emails to Sweetie GP. Will call tomorrow.  My follow up appt. is not for a couple of weeks and I’ve heard nothing. On vacation? Her back up back up is lovely so hopefully she’ll take the driver’s seat? Maybe I really should be in hospital!

EXTREMELY PATHETIC CODA: While I was studying and dreaming away about medicine, gee, what would be my Specialty? Well, Neurology! Duh.  But for some reason, I went mad over Kidneys! I have no idea why, but I thought Kidneys were SO cool! Now? Bad Karma?

I’m too tired to email my mom now.  How on earth did I even write this?

Or I could say “thinking you are?” The ridiculous and endless tedium of the English language?

I’ve also added a new Category entitled The Cyborg’ for us–yes–us(!) as I don’t know how long we’ll remain together.  Due to my current physical state, the immediate high fevers (while not really being sick?) can induce some forms of delirium and/or delusional states.  I figured this out due to a specific issue regarding Urology/Nephrology.

Anything else?

My PTSD and Dissociative Amnesia blowing my head to bits because I can’t stand this anymore? It CANNOT be a seizure! Unless my head has severely been blown to bits! This would make “Epilepsy History!”

Right.  I keep having the SAME Simple partial–that becomes generalized or not–FOR FOUR CONTINUOUS DAYS (nothing yet today…) AND IT CAN LAST FOR 2-3 HOURS AT TIMES!!! At least the last part qualifies as Status Epilepticus, but the rest? NO WAY!!!

And I don’t have DID.

*sighs* Forget all of this.  It’s happening.  That’s all that matters. Although, even entertaining the thought of this being a seizure? It’s almost giving me some serious tonic-clonic giggles!©

However, Dr. PA wants to avoid talking about physical medicine here as much as possible.  Purely Psych/Neuro.  But you can’t always have one without the other.  Pretty much always, really.

Please come into my time machine, for a trip not so long ago in the past.  The first drug we tried to treat the Typical Absence Status Epilepticus became known as “The Evil Depakene!” It made me so sick, in so many ways, but regarding this post? I had my first Auditory Hallucination.  And the crazy, little, bitch of a girl knew me.

That got me a little freaked out.  Just a tad? Don’t you think? *stares at you all and waits for ANYONE to say NO!*

Nonetheless, once I ran to the bathroom and checked my underwear, saw it was clean, I made a tea and took a Valium (or 26.)  It was then I realized that it had occurred, I experienced it, I could deal with it again.

Let me press a few buttons on my time machine console, and we will turn 180 degrees (roughly.)  And end up a couple of years back from today.  Roughly.  Or more or less.

So, I’m shining like the biggest Diamond from Tiffany’s if anyone starts yackin’ in my head again.  Bring it on!

“Oh.  Uh, really?  Well, that’s rather odd but okay…”

The pissy, little brat came back, but now she was about 18 years old! Before, if I had to guess, maybe anywhere between eight to ten-years-old? Then I “met” more people.  And we all had this sort of silent way of communicating in my/our heads.

Further, I could see them (not visually) but in my mind.  I knew what they looked like, I knew the sounds of their voices, as well. Their ages are sort of vague but I’m damn close if not spot on!

It was similar to Jason.  We “met” earlier when I was in the ICU for three days–after trying to see what really happens when you die.  I thought I was going mad! Though I seriously questioned so strongly–did I meet my dead twin?

But when those other four first showed up? I fought and fought and fought!!! I pushed so hard saying things like, “Okay.  You’re here but I’m just making you up!!! I’m just writing a script in my head!!! You may exist somehow but I’m putting words into your mouths!!! No!!! I AM MAKING YOU UP!!!

I actually did this verbally screaming in the middle of the street one day! *laughing so hard about to burst*

I wonder what I must have looked like? People running for safety from a tornado, or thinking: ‘That one last marble rolling around finally fell out of her ear…what a pity.’

But it was futile.  One of them “tricked” me.  He said, “While you’re going on about stuff like this, confused and asking us questions, how come we can tell you things before you’re even done talking? So how can you write a script and put words in our mouths?”

I see.  That’s an interesting form of logic.  It’s also interesting in a psychological way.  Please keep these two words in mind.

They said they were my lost twins as well.  And Jason whom I cried and cried over to come back FINALLY DID!!! There was a problem. He’s a bit separated from the group.  He’s on his own and extremely fragile and vulnerable! 

And it is possible to lose multiples.  I was told endlessly as a kid that I had lost one twin due a massive miscarriage my mother had during her first-to-second trimester.  When the embryos are THAT small, easy to miss more.

This post is getting very long.  I want to explain this issue properly but it is complex.  The above, as background information, was needed.  So I’m going to do something I have NEVER done before on my blog:


I’m a wreck.  I think we all can agree upon that.  But the big questions are, am I becoming more of a wreck? If I’m becoming more of a wreck, just how much more? The only “answer” I do know is that it’s from head to toe.

I’ve mentioned losing, quitting that Clobazam cold turkey, for my Typical Absence Status Epilepticus–because it wasn’t available–a million times here! And now I’m starting to do the same with it breaking down my body! I’m back on the drug but sicker than I was before!!! That’s because quitting cold turkey fucked me up THAT MUCH!!!

So physically, I’m now losing some important things.  Well, I don’t know.  You tell me.

Immune System Weakening (hey, recall that little cough that threw me into Isolation in the ER last summer!)
We’ll now just toss in Endocrine because of all the rest of this.

However. this may now prove a bit difficult to write for you to understand.  There is another problem that the TASE does not cause me.  It has lasted for three days and is happening right now. It has just begun.  I am in one of my TASE phases.

Never does the TASE give me an “identity” of sorts.  I am a Cyborg that is in need of repair.  I am working on it.  That is repairing myself.  This is Day 04.  My work I perform during these periods last for 2-3 hours and then I stop and return to a non-Cyborg state.

Neither the Cyborg nor Dr. PA is a Cyberchondriac, but Dr. PA is also experiencing high fevers while not being sick.  Dr. PA is not sure if this is a state of Delirium or Delusion as she has never experienced anything it.  However, the temperatures were relayed to her GP by the Cyborg.  Dr. PA cannot bear to read the email.

Dr. PA still retains lucid moments.

The importance of such a state of mind and the high fevers might have significance to Dr. PAs Kidney problems.  A battery of tests have been ordered and were to be done extremely quickly.  Dr. PA has kept track of the three urine samples and what has been on each Requisition to follow possible outcomes and problems.  Such drastic changes as this, could indicate in greatest simplicity an infection.  But if ignored, it could get worse.

An abdominal, pelvic and renal ultrasound have also been completed (last and latest step.)  Although, the results are unknown as well as the third urine sample.  It was for simply urine and C&S which is “Culture and Sensitivity.”  That digs deeper into into microbial areas to see if any infectious problems exist.

The second urine sample indicated RBCs and WBCs in the urine. That presents a multitude of issues for Kidneys (and I should include Bladders in all of this as well.)

The first urine sample indicated Creatinine which has everything to do with Kidney excretion.  Something is not being filtered out? Or filtered back in properly? If back in that may indicate the results of the second sample.

Dr. PA is also having issues with her Gastro problems again.  She is now smaller.  Within a range of 95-97lbs approximately.  Eating does not help.  Weight can not be maintained.

Unfortunately, working on anything to do with Dr. PAs computer may not be helping with my repairs.  Perhaps later.  It is another form of technology that may still measure my level of functioning. I continue to do things as “measures” of function but not exactly tests.

However, I must see one of Dr. PAs own Doctors today.  I think that will actually qualify as a test and not a measurement.  It is not until later.  I might shutdown before it before such a test.  Dr. PA would like that.

One last thing.  Dr. PA does not have DID.  Only Dissociative Amnesia under the collective family of DID Disorders.