Archive for July, 2013


I got a call from my pharmacy today saying they had some medication to deliver to me.  Huh? Then they asked if it wasn’t me who called them yesterday? Uh…no.  Then they said, “Nobody called you?”

Clearly not.

All of my med refills were done a short while back.  I fumbled around about some discussion between my doctors making changes and increases and this and that.  I was too terrified to ask what the hell the girl was talking about.  Indeed, there has been a lot of discussion but…

…I was still awaiting “the final outcome.”  Well, let me tell you.  If Dr. PA didn’t get what she wanted? It would NOT have been the FINAL outcome at all. *looks at you all with menacing frown*

I got a migraine last night or was it the night before or who cares. That tells you where my head is (or isn’t.)  The girl brought over a sheet with all the “changes.”  My worst fear was that whoever was doing this would lower my Biphentin.  NO GODDAMN WAY. It’s the only thing that gives me an ounce of concentration when I’m sick–if I’m lucky.

What I wanted was to have my ACs (Topamax and Lamictal) increased.  This was necessitated because I was shooting through the stratosphere or even further (I had no clue at times) with Manic episodes.  And we’re talking Bipolar I.  I’m Bipolar II.  I only get hypomanic and really, depression and more of the icky anxiety and low stuff were my problems.

I also had a thought about my moods and how they change since losing the Clobazam two years ago for the Typical Absence Status Epilepticus.  Indescribably brutal.  However, there are two states that were utterly horrific and so foreign to me, it made me look as if I didn’t have Bipolar at all! But they made me happy.  Wot?

“Utterly horrific.”
“So foreign to me.”
“Made me look as if I didn’t have Bipolar at all!”
“But they made me happy.”

SHIT.  I could have been cycling non-stop from the beginning! For two full years now–and those two states were BP I Manic Episodes! Look at the list! It’s just now everything is coming to the fore.

One good thing about Topamax and Lamictal is they are two of few that can help with Typical Absence Status Epilepticus.  Oh, wouldn’t it be ridiculously amazing if this ridiculous (not-at-all-a-titration) increase helped with that?

I had to keep staring at my current bottles and my “new” ones.  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Then when I focussed a bit better, I started maniacally laughing like crazy.  I think I probably sounded like a seagull choking on my new doses and all pills I’ll now have to take.

So here’s the deal:

Current Doses:

1 100mg Topamax 3x daily
1 150mg Lamictal 2x daily

The “Hang On To Your Hats New Doses”

3 100mg Topamax 3x daily
2 150mg Lamictal 2x daily

I seriously cannot believe Non-Arsey Neuro went that bloody high! And no titration.  But I think I know why this happened.  I called up Sweetie GP and freaked out.  She must have seriously kicked someone’s ass.  It’s also so insane as I wasn’t even consulted! He just faxed the new scripts to pharmacy! This whole thing keeps getting better and better, you know?

I’m gonna be pretty messed up for a few days *laughing so hard* Oh, yeah!!! I’m so hyper-assed crazy right now!!!!!!!! I was feeling sick because I have my period, the migraine was catamenial (so I’m in Typical Absence Status Land right now.)  Just GETTING the new meds has now turned me into a Bipolar Rocket again, shooting through the sky! That’s why I need the pills! Presumably they’ll help with the lows as well.

I have to see my Therapist on Monday too.  That will be “interesting.”  I’ll also start tomorrow and not tonight.  An even and full day to begin going completely off the wall.

I’ll be okay.  I’ve been on these meds for years.  I’ll get a good brain bashin’.  Probably like it’s in the ring as a featherweight vs. the biggest guy in heavyweight, undefeated for 10 seasons.  Never a problem with SJS either but I know what to look for if something’s not right.

CODA: I actually have done a doubling/no titration of my Topamax before. *winks*

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I accidentally emailed the Manager of my Co-Op from my blog email address. O_o  It was too bright out and I thought I WAS on my personal account.  My phone links all of my gmail addresses together.

It was WORSE than when an IP address from my former workplace showed up, immediately after I was laid off from my job (including the entire Dept. as well…)  I begged and pleaded to whomever it was to PLEASE stop reading as this was my personal space.  I write A LOT of things that are VERY personal so whoever you may be, allow me the privacy I deserve!!!

I even had rallying cries from other bloggers who came to my aid when I was just about at the point of shutting my blog down altogether! They begged as hard as I did, stating how much help and support I gave to the mental health community.  Thank you to all of you–whether you are still blogging or not!

So, Mr. Co-Op Manager.  I am hoping my email with all of my personal information ended up in your Spam Folder and you just deleted it.  I also tried to deliberately toss my email into your Spam Folder.

If that still didn’t work, here is a “personal” message: PLEASE GIVE ME THE PRIVACY AND RESPECT I AM ENTITLED TO AND DO NOT READ MY BLOG.

We have an excellent working relationship already.  If you want to know anything about me personally, just ask.  You already know I’ll tell you anything and everything!

Please don’t look for it here.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
PA


PA non grata.  As always these days.  Alright, that isn’t exactly correct.  I don’t think anyone out there would say, “PA isn’t welcome here.”

Except me? PA hasn’t been on the radar in a while.  Apologies.

I’m in trouble.  To keep it short, it looks like the stupid, fucking loss of the bloody Clobazam TWO YEARS AGO is now messing with my Bipolar.  Hell, it could have been all along right from the start!

However, now it’s REALLY coming out! And so is my awful history of Self Medication that always went along with it.

I can’t stop drinking–because of it.  Before, I was doing a pretty good job.

I went to Sweetie GP recently and she asked me if I would like to see an Addiction Counsellor.  If course my face dropped and I got all salty! Bugger that, in me ol’ bean, I’m thinkin’.  Sweetie GP is always good and we’ve got the love going on.  She told me not to force anything, just think about it.

Salty Nod!

I’m calling her.  Things are getting…out of control.  I’ve been teleported back to when I wasn’t even getting treatment or christ, diagnosed at all! I’m taking the offer of a referral to a counsellor.

I CAN’T DO THIS ALONE.


A minute? More like a month. Or several?

I’m thinking (again) about changing my template. However, since the last time I checked, I believe WordPress has added a million more to choose from?

Still looking for the same format. Double Sidebar right? I mean, I don’t want to reformat the whole thing entirely! Moreover, a lot of Single right and left Bars makes it look my blog just blew up like a landmine.

It’s already enough of a landmine upon first glance. And I don’t mean that stylistically.

I’d also like to set up my Blogroll into sections. I can’t figure out how to do it on mine. What’s the secret widget, keystroke, password, HUH?

So if you have a few free months to go blind and something catches your eye (if you haven’t gone blind yet) I’d love to hear from you.

Merci,
PA

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Yep.  That’s what I called it on Twitter.  What I just did a few days ago.  And it’s sittin’ right here with me and my mouth’s hangin’ open because I AM TOTALLY INSANE!!! 

And I can’t believe it’s actually here.  It’s like some sort of bizarre “technological apparition.”  I keep staring at it to try and figure out if I’ve become delusional or am having a hallucination.  Because there’s this other “thing” that’s sitting even closer to me.  Not across the room like the…”apparition.”  It’s really, really tiny!!!

I have to go outside and have a cigarette now to try and make some sort of sense here.  Maybe somehow clear my head? Doubtful.  BECAUSE I’M TOTALLY INSANE!!!

Alright.  I’ve examined the really, really, tiny thing some more and it looks like something you’d put in your wallet.  But I can’t figure out why anyone would put THIS in a wallet! It has some letters and numerals on it and “squishy” spots.  The biggest letters I can read are: “B…O…S…”

Okay.  Enough.  I bought a BOSE® Wave III.  Total insanity? I live on money given to me by the stoopid guvmunt©.  Thus, I am not exactly…FILTHY, STINKIN’ RICH???

Well, hell’s bells! I spend so much time totally sick at home, completely useless, I might as well have a lovely stereo system to be totally sick and completely useless with!

Hey.  It makes me less useless in one way.  I can listen to music. There’s some sound (groan…sorry, couldn resist) logic for what I did. *nods*

Lovely? Oh, my.  And yes, the remote control IS the size of the credit card I used to buy the damn thing!

I’ve just been mucking about with CDs to test volumes and sound outputs and…uh, this is rather interesting.  GO, GO, baby MacBook AND YOUR INTERNAL DRIVE!!! CDs that I’ve burned come blastin’ out louder than manufactured ones!

AT. ONE. THIRD. OF. THE. VOLUME…

Yes, one third of the volume of the unit itself.

I wonder if I could deafen everyone on my entire floor by playing my burned CDs at MAXIMUM VOLUME!!!!!!!

I don’t think I’ll try that.  Not for their sake but for my own.  I’d be adjusting the volume right in front of it with the remote, right? It might make me deaf and throw me across the room at the same time. *laughing*

I think I’m fine with my neighbour too.  I had a listen up close and the sound emanates forward, even though there is a rear speaker with sound output.  It’s a lot more quiet.  When I first started playing things, I was running out into the hallway and closing my door to see if…whoa…  Not “too” loud but I’ve really got it up and you can hear it!

The sound is really clear too.  Not only can I hear that with the music, but also song lyrics.  That might help me out with my Asperger’s Auditory Processing Disorder issues.

Ah, whatever.  It was on sale, free delivery, I’ve wanted one for years anyway.  My expenses? I can handle my budget.  Also, more cash if I’m not drinking?

I’m already TOTALLY INSANE!!! I may as well have a bit of fun with it!