Archive for September, 2013

Why do I go overboard with people? I’ve worked so hard to keep my impulsivity in check. Apparently not the case.

Somehow I still keep burying those landmines so shallow in the dirt. So shallow that anyone would trip over them.

Completely loaded with words and actions that are so obvious. Labels screaming: “SHUT THE FUCK UP! DON’T GO THERE! YOU ARE GOING TO KILL THIS PERSON!”

But as poor as my vision is in trying to “bury” my landmines, it cannot compare to how I somehow lose all of my vision in labelling them.

If I lose control with myself, I don’t care. Or perhaps I can deal with “me” in some bizarre and surrealistic way.

However, when I inflict my loss of control with “me” over someone else?

Rescue them. I will not be able to be resuscitated. In fact, it’s written up in my Directives ever since I decided to take the job of planting landmines.


*laughs maniacally* (actually that “mania”cally part sort of fits quite (un)well.)  Or something.

It’s been a month since I’ve last posted.  People are still looking at this blog.   See above.

So, how are things going? See first line.  Alright, I’ll stop with that. However, how about interesting? I’ll try to keep all the ins and outs of pill regimes, the ups and downs of all the changes I have made.

Yes.  Me.

NOT TO BOAST DISCLAIMER: Dr. PA has now been given a Specialist’s Degree from Harvard in Neurology from Non-Arsey Neuro (he said Harvard was the best.)  Tangentially, when Dr. PA was just a student years ago, she actually did email a Neurologist at Harvard.  An immediate response.  So despite conjecture, Non-Arsey Neuro could very well be correct.

I have been granted full control and guidance over my own treatment.  Over the most disastrous epileptic event to ever occur in my life.  An event that exacerbated a pre-existing condition (Typical Absence Status Epilepticus) beyond all control–as we were quickly finding out!!!

My case was bad enough before to try and find solutions.  In bed for weeks (half a month) before “said event” (no longer obtaining access from Big Pharma to one of my meds we were using to treat it.)  When I got it back? Efficacy down.

So, that’s the history and I think everyone knows it.  Although I still wanted to add it to illustrate the gravity of me being  pretty much in control of, yeah…  EVERYTHING!

Of course Non-Arsey Neuro is still there.  It’s odd though.  As if I only need him for consults.  It REALLY IS like we’re two Neurologists and we’d like to talk to each other for “an opinion.” I’ll pick up the phone or make a quick appointment.

Why? *shakes head*

*huge grin and tears start to form in eyes*

*tears drop and reaches for tissues*

All of my medical team know that I know my stuff but he is UNBELIEVABLE.  INCREDIBLE.  I could just keep going but are those words even enough?

Never has a doctor had THIS much confidence in my abilities and knowledge even though I’m a patient.  I can’t even explain what that means to me.  And especially NOW of all times!

It’s pretty crazy as there are so many multi-layered and overlapping factors:

Two ACs (Topamax and Lamictal.)  Complicated enough to know which one to work with alone or both together.  The pharmacology between the two is so different.  My head is more than a seesaw? A roller coaster? No, both.

My moods and cycling run in three layers.  During “regular times” I’m doing okay.  Typical Absence Status Epilepticus? Oh, we are NOWHERE near mood stability there–well, maybe a bit of progress overall perhaps.  I think so.

But this is when the EXTREMELY important third layer comes in. I’m a VERY FAST Ultradian Cycler.  I’m tearing the house down with all four: depression, mania, mixed states, dysphoric manias. I’m probably making up some new ones along the way on my own!

Also, MANIA! I have somehow morphed into someone who has BP I.  I’m not BP I and have never been close to it!

Another thing is, all of this has brought my Asperger’s out in a HUGE way!  My moods are at a serious Bipolar level when they haven’t been like this in years.  So, STIM! STIM! STIM! 

My epilepsy and the seizures? Now this is some GREAT NEWS!!! I haven’t had a seizure since the beginning of August.  That’s getting pretty close to two months.  I can’t believe it.  If I can make it 10 more? A year? I can get my DL back!!! OMG!!!

I knew we were on the right track by doing this.  It just took me two agonizing years to get people to listen.  Non-Arsey Neuro did. I think by Sweetie GP screaming at him! I’ll find out when I see her.

Nonetheless, by Non-Arsey Neuro getting the picture and really understanding?

“Congratulations, Dr. PA.  You have now graduated from the Harvard Neurobiology School, magna cum laude.  Your first patient is you.”