Planning A Ritual
Well, actually I have no “plan” per se, as I’ve never performed one. I’m just going to wing it. Do whatever feels right. But let me tell you, just collecting all of the “pieces” I need and knowing I’m going to do it? Now that feels right!
Womb Twin Survivors have a tremendous obstacle in forming relationships with people. And definitely romantic ones! They are the vast majority. For me, it’s always been that way. I write off all my disastrous friendships falling apart or not even working period, to having Asperger’s. Bar None!
A thought occurred to me the other day that morphed into a massive trigger. By the end of the night, you might as well have stamped, “HOLY SHIT! FUCK ME! OH MY GOD! NO!” all over my entire body. Just that one thing began a cascade of things back to my teenage years up to a few years ago.
I have Dissociative Amnesia. It falls under several categories of Dissociative Disorders. Mine is SO extreme, I can’t remember basically my entire childhood, massive chunks of my teenage years and still my adult ones! No, huge per centages of the last two. It’s so hard to put a number on it–BECAUSE I CAN’T REMEMBER!!! *rolls around crazy and laughs* Maybe 70% to 80%? 60%?
So for a trigger to take me back to HALF of my Dissociative Amnesiac Mind? For that much, it’s huge. Since my Dissociative Amnesia is SO HUGE you know it’s locking up a HUGE amount of trauma.
The next day, I managed to calm down a bit. Even the day before when such grand PTSD HELL was shitting itself all over my head, I was madly scribbling down notes that were a total mess. I had to record every single thought before I “lost it.” Back into my potentially, deadly Pandora’s Box.
So what exactly IS the problem with Womb Twin Survivors and romantic relationships? They are continually looking for their lost (i.e. dead) twin. Or it could be twins. Yes, you can be a multiple twin survivor as I am. It’s actually almost like I have DID. However, please see my category for some insight on that! Yet, please feel free to comment on it here!
Now, how on earth would it be possible to try and find your dead twin in a relationship with someone living that you love, want to plan your entire future with, get married, have children etc. There is a very simple answer to that: YOU CANT!!!
When your twin/s bonded with you in the womb and then died? Make no mistake. You lost a part of you. A bigger part of you than you could possibly imagine. Trust all of us Womb Twin Survivors and med geek PA. Embryos go SO FAST and the neurological and biological connections grow out of control within the first to second trimesters (think of miscarriages?)
Nevertheless, it is an enduring problem for all of us. It’s a trap. So elusive; so painful. Because it’s a cycle and we don’t even know it’s happening! Then it becomes a cycle with the mates we find ourselves involved with.
Everything that crashed down upon me recently made me realize it. I found it. I found “them.” Or at least as many of them as I could remember. All of the women I had fallen in love with in trying to find something related to…searching for…what was missing… In being a Womb Twin Survivor. I was looking for my dead twin (or my twins as the case turned out to be.)
One question might be lingering in your mind after reading this. What about my existing twins. What about my relationships with Melissa, Jason, Amelia and Bruce?
I had a discussion with them all prior regarding this issue. I told them that I know you guys already! I know your personalities, I know what you’re all about. That said, how could I be looking for anything in YOU regarding any romantic relationships?
They’re quite a bunch! We’re One Big Happy Family!
They told me nothing. Since I already “had” what I needed from them, it was ultimately a nonstarter. In essence, it “was” almost like a DID Integration Process–and an extremely complete one–although they still have the capacity to change. The twins and DID? I’ve said this before. Picture some sort of Venn Diagram.
They told me to look for the signs. Therefore, the circle of the trigger, all of those women, and finally my Ritual. I have something representing each one of them. All of those women. And all of those things are going to “go away.”