Archive for November 2nd, 2013


“think” I’m feeling a bit better than yesterday.  I’m telling myself that title, “This is a bitch!”

I’m trying not to get all of my fucking diagnoses get the better of me.  I’ll blow up and it will be time to say, “Goodbye, PA!” Nothing’s triggering me at the moment so that’s a good thing.  I think my brain is more concerned with my Neurochemistry.  That is alsogood thing!!!

Should anything trigger me, I think I could handle it despite Neurochemistry or anything else.  After all, it was several triggers that made me drink so much.  So much, to get me into this situation of, VERY, UGLY WITHDRAWAL!!!  Even more so, I think I might know more about those triggers–not just things that happened on a “surface level” I suppose you could say.

That gives me even more ammo in case anything threatens to make me fall apart.  THAT IS A VERY, VERY GOOD THING!!! I can’t guarantee anything here, but at least feeling like this is hopeful? *shakes head and sighs*

I think food helps.  Gee.  Really? I had a breakfast, cereal bar earlier.  Now I’m going to try and shove at least something else into my mouth (and swallow it.)

I actually HAVE to go grocery shopping today.  That will be a huge slice of hell!

I had a friend (he’s dead now.)  He ALWAYS used this expression: “If you do the crime; you pay the time.”

Words of wisdom.


I was complaining all over Twitter about wanting to make the world shut up so I could crash.  Nope.  Sorry.  This post just has to be written.

I’ve been feeling a bit sick lately.  Nothing that’s really knocking me out.  I’m just tired all the time.  A lot of “fatigue.”  I’ve even been running a “fever” on a couple occasions.  It wasn’t that high though.  I’ve also been getting these “headaches” at night and intermittent “nausea.”

Harvard’s been busy with a lot of changes.  It’s amazing that she’s been seizure free since the beginning of August! However, the damn moods!

10 days ago, she dropped a huge Topamax bomb on her brain because the Lamictal increases weren’t working.  Bomb? Can’t suffer in manic hell because that’s a huge part of this post!!! The moods desperately needed a massive counter attack!!! They were part of keeping me in this cycle!!!

I am now, (PLEASE, HELP ME NOW!) going to stop drinking!

I was looking in my journal the other day (which I had stopped writing in altogether–that tells you something) and I was astonished.  Day after day after day…I had no clue.   It can’t be social either.  Abstinence.

I remember I made it between 30-45 days or something, quite a while ago, months ago.  That felt pretty good.  Longest period in my entire life.

Oh! I almost forgot the part about being sick! The “fatigue” and the “fever.”   The “headaches”  and intermittent “nausea” too.  I’m (presumably) going through alcohol withdrawal.  Those are all on the list.

It all makes sense medically.  Alcohol lowers your GABA and glutamate.  It doesn’t matter when you stop, or how much you drink.  Then your brain needs to readjust those two neurotransmitters of this one and that one.  Establish equilibrium.

Well, how do like me now! With all the med changes, higher levels, the big “Harvard Bomb” 10 days ago.  Irrelevant, but I haven’t had a drink in two days.  My brain has now become a book where all the pages are black.

Apart from the medical, I’m not physically addicted.  It’s all about the psychological.  So ANY of my diagnoses can make me run straight for the bottle! That’s tough.  Since I’ve got so many diagnoses! *rolls eyes*

Now, Harvard gets to treat this as well! *laughing*  Two Diazepam daily (actual prescription is such prn.)  Ibuprophen for fevers and headaches.  Gravol for nausea.  Fatigue? Nothing I can do about that one!