I was complaining all over Twitter about wanting to make the world shut up so I could crash.  Nope.  Sorry.  This post just has to be written.

I’ve been feeling a bit sick lately.  Nothing that’s really knocking me out.  I’m just tired all the time.  A lot of “fatigue.”  I’ve even been running a “fever” on a couple occasions.  It wasn’t that high though.  I’ve also been getting these “headaches” at night and intermittent “nausea.”

Harvard’s been busy with a lot of changes.  It’s amazing that she’s been seizure free since the beginning of August! However, the damn moods!

10 days ago, she dropped a huge Topamax bomb on her brain because the Lamictal increases weren’t working.  Bomb? Can’t suffer in manic hell because that’s a huge part of this post!!! The moods desperately needed a massive counter attack!!! They were part of keeping me in this cycle!!!

I am now, (PLEASE, HELP ME NOW!) going to stop drinking!

I was looking in my journal the other day (which I had stopped writing in altogether–that tells you something) and I was astonished.  Day after day after day…I had no clue.   It can’t be social either.  Abstinence.

I remember I made it between 30-45 days or something, quite a while ago, months ago.  That felt pretty good.  Longest period in my entire life.

Oh! I almost forgot the part about being sick! The “fatigue” and the “fever.”   The “headaches”  and intermittent “nausea” too.  I’m (presumably) going through alcohol withdrawal.  Those are all on the list.

It all makes sense medically.  Alcohol lowers your GABA and glutamate.  It doesn’t matter when you stop, or how much you drink.  Then your brain needs to readjust those two neurotransmitters of this one and that one.  Establish equilibrium.

Well, how do like me now! With all the med changes, higher levels, the big “Harvard Bomb” 10 days ago.  Irrelevant, but I haven’t had a drink in two days.  My brain has now become a book where all the pages are black.

Apart from the medical, I’m not physically addicted.  It’s all about the psychological.  So ANY of my diagnoses can make me run straight for the bottle! That’s tough.  Since I’ve got so many diagnoses! *rolls eyes*

Now, Harvard gets to treat this as well! *laughing*  Two Diazepam daily (actual prescription is such prn.)  Ibuprophen for fevers and headaches.  Gravol for nausea.  Fatigue? Nothing I can do about that one!


  1. Oe. Right…. adjusting Owl’s english button to the max. There we go. I have been struggeling with alcohol a lot as well. Everytime when I managed to stay ‘sober’ from various other interesting substances, something unlocked the gateway to drinking, a lot. Must say I didn’t knew back than about my Aspergerian-habbits. Knowing that, for me, all the weird struggeling and bouncing spectrum-wide through all known ‘dissorders’ (and not forget true happiness, as well *when we roll eyes.*) is all kinda logic- in a way oe. Oe.

    Physical, physical I wanna get …. The song wouldn’t sound smooth if they had started with ‘Logical, logical..’ What I’m trying to say is that you just witnessed the Owl pushing the ‘oh please no don’t do that right now button.’ oe. oe. Even my buttons need more personal space every now and then. Why Aspergers often struggle/enjoy mindblowing substances or stuff that really knocks us out.? I think its connected with the way we experience emotions/feelings etc. in ‘normal mode.’ Our natural configuration fails in recognizing stuff that other people around us do seem to ‘understand.’ Oe. That doesn’t mean the silly people are all right, hell nooo. If I learned one thing from my lack of understanding, is the fact that its proven to be for the best if you don’t. Thanks to that I’ve had all the time in the world to look things from other perspectives and I freakin love it.

    But alcohol/diazepam… mdma/amphetamines.. I do understand why a certain Aspienaut loves doing stuff like that. It gives insight in the unknown world of emotions, where even the Asperger can feel how it should work- for a while.. Alcohol helps differently, brakes down barriers and opens them up. On speed- the wonderfull way they think and understand experience some sort of ”once in a lifetime oppurtunity” to keep focus and the word spread out. Oe. Something like that..

    I admire you P.A. You reflect and you ‘are.’


  2. Hi My Wee Owlie. Just wanted to let me know I’m thinking of you and I haven’t forgotten your comment, love.

    Kind of long for brain at the moment, but otherwise it wouldn’t be a problem! Write as much as you like here Owlie!

    The same for everyone else! I don’t mind reading comments of any size!

    Take care for a bit, hon? Maybe I can get my head on straight in a bit before hospital. When I’m there, IF I can get to where I WANT to go? Bloody hell.

    So wee PA will be back. Promise. I’m hanging on to your emails for reference.

    I also didn’t forget your Tweet back about the Kinder Egg. Bad pressie for both Owlie and PA!!! Some kind of…I didn’t even know what the hell it was.



  3. ‘When I’m there, IF I can get to where I WANT to go? Bloody hell..’

    Can I fly with you and paint everything pink and purple.?


  4. Hi Nachtwacht Inzicht.

    You asked: “Can I fly with you and paint everything pink and purple.?”

    I answer: Yes, please.


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