Yep.  Lots of reasons but I’ve finally peaked.  Or sunk.  Rock Bottom.

Emergency trip to Sweetie GP tomorrow.  She knows I hate hospital, but she also knows, I know when I need to go.  I never go.  I’ll be fine.

Well, she’ll be in for a surprise–and not a good one.  I don’t know which will make her my roommate on the ward first. The fact that her Star Patient can’t even manage to get herself willingly to hospital? Or all the shit she’s been doing recently.  Very recently.

That could have possibly killed her? But she wouldn’t have known. Passed out.  Too drunk.

This is the first time (barring the first) I’ve been scared to go to hospital. Actually, I think it’s worse since I’ve had so many after the first. I’m terrified.  A bit? Yeah?

Because I have to confront something that has destroyed so much in my life.  And I’ve been in denial about it for 20 years.

And it’s probably definitely made me more sick and more crazy with every diagnosis I have.

P.S. If I can swing it I found a form to get to greatest place I ever stayed.  Maybe Sweetie GP can push for it.

P.P.S I did manage to call Non-Arsey Neuro and explain.  It’s not what Harvard has done with her medication work.  Her moods have been fine and still no seizures since the beginning of August.  She explained everything and the most important (which WILL be on the form!)

Don’t fuck with this patient’s meds! We’re finally making progress from debilitating epilepsy, for two years or more or whatever.  I’ll be screaming, “CALL MY GODDAMN NEUROLOGIST!!!”

So sorry haven’t been around much.  Too busy destroying my life again.

I hope I can get in soon.  Can’t believe I’m actually saying that about going to hospital.  PA=TROUBLE.

Wow. Surprised I could write this but I have to get my brain going. Fight or Flight? Or Fright.

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  1. Mark

    PA,

    There have been times in the past couple of years when I knew I should be in the hospital but my stubborn streak kept at home, in bed, riding out my ‘perfect storm’. Every month! Shmuck.

    You’re being smart and you’re doing the right thing for the best reason; your life. I know you’ve been going through quite a rough period. You can’t be there for your friends if you’re about to drown. You’re in my thoughts.

    Mark

    Like

  2. Hi Mark. Thank you. You and I both share that stubborn streak!

    Yes. It is literally for my life. And others too.

    Something happened (that I certainly won’t mention here!) that could have perhaps killed me; and those others above.

    Now THAT is Rock Bottom.

    Take care and thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. That means a lot to me.

    Like




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