Archive for December, 2013
The very last. I’m in serious trouble.
I am a masochist but I can’t keep asking for Domination here anymore. It’s like I’m killing myself from the outside in. I might as well be. Both physically and emotionally but my body is the big one.
Why do I drink? No. Me. Personally.
A minute trigger in some cases; others glaringly obvious make me run to the bar. Doing something really painful, feeling like I’ve done something really painful. Vice versa with someone or any kind of thing else that shoots back to me? Any PTSD trauma problems that appear small in the distance but actually are quite large as I travel along the road. Usually things that are massively due to relationships!
Those of some of the more “negative” reasons. Then there are some of the “positive” ways.
Simply enjoying the feeling of relaxing with a good book and a drink in a bar. Going out and working on baby MacBook or writing–being productive. That one can also come from boredom and cabin fever, but it’s true. I do become more productive. Another one in terms of being productive, is if I do a lot of work around the house? I go to the bar as a reward for all I’ve accomplished.
I could list a lot more of both!
I used to think I was only a “psychological” drinker. My body wasn’t physically addicted–and it wasn’t! I never showed any signs of physical cravings for it. It was always to do with the above. So I spoke to Sweetie GP and my Therapist regarding that fact (and a 20 year out of control self-medication history of drinking.)
That started off as a football kicked across 11 stadiums or 18 pitches. Pick your country and/or game you like best. I enjoy footy far, far more that “football!” I actually do. I swear!
A constant Merry-Go-Round of discussion was the result. Social vs. Abstinence? Try both? Only Abstinence will work? That really was a Merry-Go-Round. None of us had a damn clue what to do with me!
Serious trouble? I had to do something that really hurt me recently. I don’t know if it hurt them. However, I was agonizing about it! I didn’t know how to do it, what to say. I was having continual nightmares about it all. I still had another one about the person last night. So of course you know where I went afterward!
I’m once again D/W. For those that haven’t picked up on other posts relating to, I shortened Detoxing and going through Withdrawal to that.
I think this is the third time in my own little “Hospital For One” I’ve done this. It’s more comfortable here, surrounded by all of my things in my own environment. Uh, yes? Certainly more than the time I spent here.
SERIOUS TROUBLE. With each successive D/T, and it doesn’t matter how little I drink, how long in between I take breaks, I am now in perpetual cycle of having to go through it every time. And much worse, each time the perpetual cycle continues, going through it is MUCH WORSE than the last time.
I am so, so sick. I can’t believe what is happening to me right now. I’m not even going to write about it. I am killing myself from the outside in.
For you other substance users, I can’t tell you what to do. I can’t preach to you based upon this. However, PLEASE try and get clean.
I’m going to have to do everything within my power to stop drinking. Sure. How many times have you heard me say that before? No. I’m SERIOUS this time.
I can’t even believe I managed to seriously put this post together.
So, even though we’re all different, why should I not be so different? “Let not our differences separate us!” Or something like that. Maybe someone even said that at some period throughout history. Just with much more eloquence.
I also wonder a lot why the posts aren’t so “different” on their own. It’s like a 50/50 division has been made. It’s either, “Christmas is going to be so Jolly and Gay (not in a sexual way, but…well…?) Then, it appears to be the exact opposite. The other side find Christmas absolute torture! Completely abhorrent! They’d run out and start committing arson, except they’re lying in bed, too depressed to move.
I believe in both. I don’t judge either. I see both. I might have even participated in both. However, you’ll find me in the latter camp. Christmas and I aren’t exactly good friends. Even acquaintances, for that matter.
Sometimes I’ll know it’s going to be bad in advance. Sometimes I actually know how really bad it will be in advance. It’s the same with a sort of feeling like being ambivalent. Other years, I have no idea what will happen until it just hits.
This year? Oh, fuck me! I think I knew it was going to be UTTERLY, PAINFUL AND HORRID, in the bloody summer! On top of THAT, I’ve started experiencing PTSDTraumaChristmas weeks ago!
They never did this during the last two years I’ve lived in my apartment, but they have a bunch of Christmas lights strung all across our floor’s adjoining patio. I simply thought they were broken. SURPRISE!
They’ve had them on every night for I don’t know how long. Wonderful! I can’t even look out my window now! But I can’t not look out my window as I need to orient myself in terms of space, time, proximity and other physics type stuff.
Hey, I even have a little, red, flashy one in front of my apartment’s window. Great! PTSDTraumaDiscoChristmas!
Tomorrow is Christmas Day in my part of the world (space, time, proximity hehe) and my presence is immensely requested at a party.
If I don’t show up, there will be hell to pay! It’s also going to be HUGE. There goes the sobriety I’ve been working to control. Well, it might make Christmas a bit more Merry!
Until the day after. Boxing Day. I’ll want to squeeze myself into the smallest box I can find, yet still manage to defenestrate me with perfect accuracy…
Right into the middle of the biggest snowbank I can find.
Ah, well. And so it goes. Make it through the week until New Year’s and it’s over!
Yeah, back to bed after that one! Love, loss, I’m a loser where love is concerned. Some kind of Purple Prose like I’m on LSD? I didn’t want to touch my computer, let alone look at my blog and what I had just written.
I didn’t want to do this. No, no. Then, I thought give it a try? At least once. Couldn’t hurt except…
I’ve completely and utterly loathed doing anything in a group setting! Forever!!!
Class Projects (the MOST brutal!) Going out with a group of people–even if it’s fun despite Aspie Spazziness. However, none of them can decide what the hell to do (the MOST frustrating!) Actually, in just thinking about this now, I’m not a control freak. Although Class Projects can actually turn me into one!
This “group thing?” AA. Oh, a “group thing” that could be the worst. It could do me in for life!
I’m sinking. I’m drowning (nice pun since my substance of choice is alcohol.) I don’t know if I can handle it on my own again. It certainly doesn’t help that the
merry and so joyful holidays are here. Plus a bunch of other things going on in wee PAs personal life. I mean, they even strung up X-mASS lights all along our patio, so simply looking out my window will be a potential trigger!!! They didn’t do it last year!
Also, apologies to all the religious folks for me writing Christmas as X-mASS. One reader and pal gave me shit for that. It’s just a written expression of how bad a time of year it is for me.
So speaking of the non-religious (moi) and AA, Holy Cats and the Mother who just gave birth to her kittens!!! I’d never heard of this before! Agnostic AA! o_O Moreover, wrap up anything you think/believe/feel into a ball and toss that in altogether!
Because Agnosticism is actually a Philosophical Argument. I does not attack Atheism, deny it exists, and therefore trickles down to Atheists telling them they are “wrong.” It only tries to state that since you can not prove it exists, is it all that unreasonable that it doesn’t? Basically. I only got a B+ in Philosophy in uni.
So I just emailed them for some information. There’s one location very close to where I live. I might not make it through the holidays. No, I probably won’t. A friend is leaving me. I can still visit but…ah, forget it.
Take care all. Pardon all my idiocy. Maybe that will help some. My stats have seriously gone WAY down!!! You all know I don’t care about numbers, but to see a drop in numbers of your readers as huge as that??? My blog is tanking just as much as I am! *laughs*
I’m nuts. I’m losing it. Maybe I lost it a long, long time ago. *nods*
Follow up to post, written just prior to this. I don’t wish to insult anyone’s intelligence but my own.
Those two months ago? I couldn’t find him? He never called? One of his biggest problems was that he was so insecure about not having a girlfriend. That was a significant part of talk the night I met him.
He kept asking what was he doing wrong. I was thinking absolutely nothing except 20 year olds don’t have much time for English translation and thick accents. I actually was doing a lot of translation for this sweet, little import.
I wanted to propose giving us a chance but I didn’t get one.
At least I gave him a lot more confidence in bed. Seriously. Alcohol Consumption vs. Virginity?
Not that there’s anything wrong with either in the bedroom!
If I ever meet her, I might ask if she’s ever done “this” position with him. Then I’ll know what a good job I did.
I invented the position for me for the first time ever in my life. You need to be a bit of a gymnast.
I hate love. I love love. But I will never be in a relationship, because of things like this happening, and so much more.
Love only screws you anyway, right? Otherwise, we’d all be in these picture perfect relationships (romantic for sure, but friends too?)
Unless for some crazy reason a person wouldn’t want it. This thing, so amazing, magnificent and beautiful.
It’s there everywhere they look, in the people they see. Their entire environment. But they know it can’t really be seen.
Love can only be seen in a mirror. It’s simply a cheap sideshow. An old one-liner that’s been used for 10 years or so, and it won’t ever change.
It’s schmatte with so many holes in it, you don’t even know why you keep it. Songs and music that surely (well intended) try and artistically interpret the mirror.
No. The music sucks because the bands have started swallowing the mirror. They can no longer sing, nor play their instruments.
Ironically, with so much mirror in, on, whatever about them, you’d think they’d actually now play better! But this only goes to prove my point.
Wake Up, Shake Up. Use a mirror or not. Trust me.
Also, if one person gives me any yin yang business, BE GONE! If anyone else has a problem, find some mahjong tiles and throw them at me?
It wouldn’t be the first time someone didn’t exactly love one of my posts.
Back to bed. More loss of love is happening. Due to every mental inch of me. This falls under my hate of love part.
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Okay. So I’m gay. But I have slept with men. And I did sleep with one recently. Why?
Because of him. Just him. I think I’m almost in love with him. Well, that sounds a little silly and juvenile, but it’s meant to get the point across a bit?
I wrote about this before but I’m on my mobile with my shit WP app so no linking. Category?
I “lost” him after we first met but “found” him again. Silly me. I gave him my mobile number but never got his. He works crazy hours, but still nothing.
What did I do wrong?
Now that I found him? He told me I didn’t do anything wrong. He’s more insecure than me!
I don’t know what’s going on. Ironically I responded to a comment on my blog today basically saying to hell with labels.
I don’t care about that at all right now! Just my feelings.
And if we are going to have sex we have to deal with my fibroids. When we did, I bled and was in severe pain for two days afterward.
So, hey. Maybe I’ll be dating a guy? Or we’ll just be really intimate friends.
It doesn’t help that he’s fucking gorgeous too. Like “Model Gorgeous.”
But his other traits cancel that out completely.
How do I find myself in these situations of the heart over and over again?
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This wasn’t supposed to happen. I was supposed to go straight to hospital. I didn’t. I was sent to a Detox and Withdrawal “Facility.” They only have “workers.” Nobody is even a nurse. If you feel sick they tell you to go to hospital.
I’m still and seriously “recovering from my recovery” there. Traumatized. It’s taken me days to write this. I haven’t touched any form of technology unless I’ve felt it necessary–or it has been. Like medical things and such. At least now that I’m home I can have all my tech gear. Not allowed in there!
I spend hours and hours sleeping under my duvet. 14hrs is my record (I think?) but that is only because the phone woke me up. However, I wake up at 0600hrs every single morning. I don’t know why but I just go back to sleep. I am useless.
You just discharge yourself. Nobody cares. Unless you break the only rule they have. During some people’s prison sentences, they can go for a half hour walk once a day. Said “rule” would be having a cigarette and definitely using any addictive anything. During that “privilege” for them, I thought something odd.
People would go out to buy coffee. You can become addicted to caffeine, yes? And nobody “was responsible” for letting you go outside–unless you were still in the middle of Detox/Withdrawal. If they ever bothered to pay attention to that.
The place was hell–in more ways than one. I suppose the only good things I got out of it was going through Detox and Alcohol Withdrawal. You get really sick. Although my process wasn’t even close to some of the really hardcore users of anything.
The second thing? My awesome roommates. With each one, the jokes and laughter never ceased. The last one I had before I left was basically a street/shelter resident, who was a total wreck from crack and heroin. She was the funniest of all. We never stopped laughing over ourselves, over each other, over anything period. Unless we were asleep.
Actually, that’s not true. Living alone for so long, I wondered if I still talked in my sleep. This was last reported to me in my early 20s. Guess what? I still do. I suppose that means I will never stop because that was 20 years ago.
I wrote daily blog posts as I always do when I go to HOSPITAL!!! However, they’re all by hand. Maybe they’ll get up here some day.
They really did so much to break me down psychologically and physically. The worst physically?
I had to fast because I took one bite of something one night and it was like a Samurai Sword went right through me. It took me a while to think of this ugliness. The other inmates are involved with preparation and serving food to the other inmates.
Just think about that for a minute. If you don’t quite get it, you’ve got a lot of heavy duty substance users that need to get clean. The majority live on the street, a shelter if they can find one, or who knows where else? Even if you’ve got a home, think of cross-contamination?
They weren’t even given proper medical procedure gloves that even the damn cleaners wear! I’m not kidding! They were all floppy, hanging off their hands.
Uh, maybe some hygiene problems? Could I please have the fucking cleaner serve me my food?
Psychologically? Long post, there. Let’s just say a short version is they brought out every single diagnosis I have and put them all into overdrive. They probably squeezed out of me whatever else they desired too. How about this?
On the day I left, one of the workers said strip your bed. Fine. Well, wee PA is always freezing so six blankets? I had to use two heavy bags. This lying bitch grabbed one and told me to bring mine along to the elevator as well.
Slight MAJOR(!!!) problem. With my cane, a very heavy bag over my shoulder and a door I have to pull open?
WHAM! BOOM! KATHUNK! *tries to protect head*
The other worker came running out and said, “What are you doing?!?!” I explained what I was told to do. “She picked me up and said, “No! No! That’s what we’re here to do! We’re here to help you!”
ASIDE: Someone nice? I had never seen this girl before.
The other worker grabbed the stuff and took it to the elevator. I did get my bell rung a bit as I was having trouble with my discharge forms. She deliberately lied back in the office about the whole matter. She needed to so the nice worker could hear that she didn’t tell me to do it. Gotta CYA if an inmate gets injured on your shift, ya know?
I was leaving anyway. What did I have to lose?
I lit into her almost like one of my Samurai Dinners. Welcome to some of the “treatment” that was given to me.
Remembering that goddamn hell just on its own will probably keep me sober for the rest of my life.