Archive for January, 2014


I’ve had this idea for a long time.  To share with you some fine, tasty, delicious and awesome meals I have created at times (and will continue to do so.)

Actually, I really enjoy just throwing a bunch of stuff together (when I do cook) and see what the end results become. 

I’m not sure if they end up going straight into my mouth because they turn out so well, or straight into the trash because one molecule on my tongue makes me instantly want to barf. 

Has there ever been an in between? Something barely tolerable? I guess I’ll have to pay more attention to that if I’m going to start blogging about it.

I just made something now that was definitely experimental as I have no food in my house.  Or barely any.  However it’s cooling so I don’t know any results yet!

So stay tuned? For when I do cook? Although I might be able to recall some things I’ve made in the past.

Posted via WordPress for Android. Let’s see if it actually works.

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My mobile has totally been fucked up.  Not nearly as me though!

I wrote a post to try and test my WP app here as I think I finally fixed things after messing around with it for so long. 

I said some other shit about other fucking shit but my night meds are now hitting me like a cinder block truck.  And I’ve taken them.  Because I hit the wrong button and wrote my post as a Page. *laughing*

Too bad.  It was kinda good.  Good in a point I’m not dissecting every single thing about my med change right now.  Tossing loads of verbose minutiae all over you.

However, nothing to say at the moment.   There you go.  I have my period and some stupid virus.  So I don’t piss from chicken soup.

I’m so gone I can’t even see words now.   So back to the damn test for crissake! Then I can quickly decide what sleep position I want for the night.

NOT PROOFING.

Posted via WordPress for Android. Let’s see if it actually works.


Harvard went to see Non-Arsey Neuro a while ago.  The appointment was a real rush job.

Not so much because of Harvard’s head, but a form for the stoopid guvmunt that needed completion–then mailing ASAP.  He was the only doctor available on short notice.  Nonetheless, we still talked about Harvard’s head.

After so damn long, Harvard has been working on the huge med changes, adjusting here, fiddling there.  She only contacted Non-Arsey Neuro if she needed him for any serious challenges.  Which were perhaps a few? Then, just pick up a phone to chat, or leave a message stating what was she’d done.

At that appointment, Harvard reviewed all her current changes. Most particularly, her divided dose in the afternoon where she had made no further changes.  She was merely sitting at that dose, awaiting any possible issues.   The med changes have been so high, a divided dose was definitely required.

Non-Arsey Neuro wrote a new prescription (including that divided dose) for one month.  One month.  Our typical two Neurologists meeting to discuss a “case.”  Harvard was doing a “wait and see.” Non-Arsey could have been asleep and written it on behalf of what Harvard said.

Oh, Harvard! You have waited too long! Change that one month order! Not that it matters.  She has million pills of everything lying around from making so many changes.

One of the reasons for the astronomical increases of Harvard’s Topamax and Lamictal, was to try and squash the mood changes (that were beyond astronomical compared to the increases of the meds.)  Slowly, slowly, slowly…working! But still a long way to go.

A lightening bolt of terms of working? No more seizures at all after a month–and no more since! Almost six months now!

But the moods.  And Harvard now being in total shit.

Things were okay.  Or so Harvard thought.  Or really, the most plausible answer is that the dose chosen worked fine for a while, but then BOOM!!! It took time for things to catch up.  Moreover, a slow graduation to the BOOM!!! is in our own minds.  It’s like things build and build until they become a volcano.

That’s what happened to Harvard yesterday.  She was being a little too productive? And a few days before?

Last night.  BOOM!!! The “Revelation!” Harvard was Manic, somewhere between Jupiter and Saturn! Then she crashed after shutting down her computer and fell into a Mixed State.  Then a Dysphoric Mania.  Her Valium didn’t even hit a single neuron.

Harvard goes to bed, thinking it’s an isolated incident that was really bad.  Everything will be fine tomorrow.  Harvard wakes up like she’s taken an overdose of her ADD meds, plus an overdose of who knows what else! Wide opened eyelids and speedy, speedy, speedy, speedy!!!!

Harvard was going to wait but apparently this isn’t going to stop. She’s been here before.  When this happens, the absolutely worst thing she can do is “wait!”

She’s cycling like crazy, but has meds at her disposal that can try and stop it! If not, she can clearly get herself into all sorts of trouble! And that she has! Plus, she’s just stopped drinking! Let’s destroy THAT plan!!!

She’s also going to titrate of course.  Harvard’s not stupid.  That’s why Non-Arsey Neuro gave her full control to tackle this from Day One.  He’s not available now.  She’ll call him later.

POSTSCRIPT: Harvard’s already feeling like getting into trouble. Going out in bad weather on her own to mail some gifts to people. One is REALLY heavy and then going on a SHOPPING SPREE!!! Well, there’s always online shopping.

You see? When this happens? She can get in lots of trouble in LOTS of different ways.  And online shopping is nothing compared to some of the things she’s done in the past!

Now, she knows exactly what she wants to buy online.  It’s something she’s been lusting after for SO long! A book.  A big one or something decent.  Containing loads and loads of the person’s work.  Her Idol!!! Lee Miller!!! 

Non-Manic Statement: Harvard thinks she has a bit of Lee in her. If another photographer looked at some of her shots and agreed? She’d drop to the floor in a second.  Especially with the titles she’s given them.  That combination was very typical of Lee.  What she shot, the twists she turned around with them, and played with them–and definitely her choice of titles.


Someone said that to me several years ago.  After being involved (so closely) for those several years.  Ouch.  Boy.  Did that ever hurt. However, less so over time.

I think you can guess that was when things (sort of) started to “shift” a bit? I Can’t Keep…  Nonetheless, things carried on because the relationship was so incredibly special and we had such a strong bond between us.  Later, it took a HUGE “shift” to end it all.

It was sometime afterward that phrase didn’t hurt even less.  I took a serious personal inventory of my life.  How many people was I looking for to fill “empty holes” in my life.  Needing healing, someone always being there to support me and love me, running away when trauma overwhelmed me, then coming back so full of love.  It became so confusing to said person above.

No doubt.

Did I do the same with others? Fill their “empty holes?” Maybe. Probably.  I’m pretty sure, definitely.

Apart from SO many reasons this can happen (and not just to/for me?) I’m going to talk about being a Womb Twin Survivor.

When you lose a twin or more (I’m a multiple–I have four) there can be massive problems with relationships.  Of any kind.  Losing your Twin (and seriously in the Womb!) has the capability of really fucking you up in this department.

Believe it or not, embryos develop attachments to each other very quickly in the Womb (or anywhere else where they can try and develop.)  Maturation of an embryo happens FAST!!! Trust Dr. PA and her own Medical School Textbooks on that one. Neurologically? You do “know” that someone is “there” with you. Then you “lose” them.

You’re already traumatized before you’re bloody born! Seriously! Now THAT is one HUGE “empty hole!” Are you starting to get the picture? Or at least part of it?

Basically, how the theory goes (but it happens enough to be a Golden Rule) is Womb Twin Survivors can repeatedly try and find their lost Twins wherever they go, with whomever they travel, throughout all their lives.

AHA!!! So it’s not all of the trauma I went through after I was born!

Uh, why don’t you forget the Albatross and swing an Elephant around my neck! Does this just add to things? I really don’t know. I can’t tell.  But I asked my Twins for some guidance on the issue. Yes, I speak to them and I hear them back.  I see them, they’re all separate individuals with different personalities…kind of like a DID thing but not really.

Anyway, it is/has been suggested when you are doing a lot of hard work to deal with more than this, you perform a “letting go” process.  Kind of like a ritual, perhaps? I didn’t want to! I love my Twins and they love me! They help me with a lot and I said to them, “I don’t want to get rid of you guys! I don’t want you to go! Do I have to let you go? I don’t even know if I can!” I was almost bawling.

Melissa is a BULL=CHINA=VESUVIUS.  She said, “Fuck that! Who says you have do something, just because they say you have to! Also, who else out there is the same as you!!! Who else has multiples or even one twin that they can speak to for guidance or a simple chat or what the fuck ever.  YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO SHIT!!!

Alrighty, then.  I “DIDN’T DO SHIT.”  So I said, “What am I missing? You guys are all here.  I know all about you.  If so, what am I searching for? What is lost? What am supposedly, constantly looking…for?” They said nothing.  We’re all here.

I see.  Well, I trust the hell out of them.  I trust the hell out of my Therapist too!

I think what I need to do is get off my lazy ass.  There are ways that I can fill my “empty holes” as well.  No matter how goddamn crazy I am, and what I do, and have done! Sometimes those things can affect me as they are part of who I am, but as excuses?

Then they’re just empty holes as well.