I have been wanting these forever.  They would have cost me hundreds of dollars.  They just kept being put on the back burner because my body kept falling apart.  These “things” and what I hoped they would reveal, related to almost 100 years ago.  Long before my body started decided started to fall apart.  That’s the loss of the Clobazam story.

I was “just fine” that 100 years ago…  Letting all that frustration out with a 2L bottle of Red Wine, a lot of bottles of pills full and shiny and new.  Pick what you’d like but you’re too tired so you just grab the ones that are close enough.

…handful…gulp…handful…gulp…

The ANSWER!!! No money! Doctors don’t have to pay a penny to get a patient’s records transferred from anywhere! All I had to do was scrawl my signature on a Release Form.  And so I did.

From the above, it’s pretty obvious I attempted suicide.  I even landed in the ICU for a few days. I also developed a MASSIVE TBI. I also developed SEVERE ANTEROGRADE AND RETROGRADE AMNESIA.  Although I don’t think that’s so much to do with the MASSIVE TBI.  I think it’s more to do with the MASSIVE OVERDOSE OF MY MEDS.

Or both.

Today I picked up what they sent from Sweetie GPs Office.  She wasn’t in but it didn’t matter.  I just got them to make me copies. However, it might matter now.  There might be enough holes in all the paperwork as in my head surrounding it.

I’ve been staring at the pages forever, and now I’ve had a chance to do some preliminary research on what the hell I did to myself. Not to mention a few of the cascading events that took me (further) into a downward spiral?

HOLY SHIT.

I haven’t had time to go over all of my labs.  A lot more complicated, but there were even levels of a drug in me that I wasn’t taking anymore! That’s just one insane thing! I don’t even know if I should go on! It’s the Depakene I quit.  I quit it a long time ago, until I decided to leave this shitty-assed, fuck me over any way you want to, I don’t care world.

At least that’s how I saw it at the time.

I was found outside in the winter with no coat and my body temperature was 33.8 degrees Celsius.  I figured out days later how I fell (seizure) due to clothes and injury on hands and it was a tonic-clonic (TBI.)  Presumably a Complex-partial first because what the hell was I doing wandering around without my coat in the freezing snow?

Found totally unresponsive.  I must have been breathing though (at the hospital.)  I could have already been a coma when the Paramedics picked me up but still breathing.  However, in the ER, it said I had a Complex partial and a tonic clonic when admitted. I’m confused but I’m unconscious for both anyway?

So, I guess then I took an absolute nosedive? Sorry, bad pun for a TBI…  Immediate 7.5 Endotrachial Tube and BANG! Straight to the ICU and get a machine to breathe for me.

If you know the Glasgow Coma Scale (sorry, too tired to give you a link) I was already a 3 IN the ER! That’s why I’m kinda thinking I was already in a coma when they picked me up.  Or I was pretty damn close to losing it–because I lost it in the ER.

I’ll just add this in before I “go.”  I couldn’t believe it when I read it. I was SO FUCKED UP they had to call the Poison Control Centre for a consultation.  An actual medical consultation.  Not a rinse your eyes, drink milk and go to the ER consultation.  A bloody Hospital calling Poison Control.

Oh, and my heart got really messed up too.  It required extremely, vigilant monitoring in case it stopped.

Kids, don’t do this at home.

Or anywhere.

It’s not a pleasant thing to go through.  Even now that I’ve gotten these records to “help” me? They’ve only increased my memory loss and made me MORE confused.

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