Or better put I’M a fucking mess.

I had to bust up a relationship for good when I thought I could really, really be friends–which I have never been able to do.

It hurt too much. But this time it will be different.

But this time it will be different. But this time it will be different. How many times have we all said that.

One brutal thing was that I thought I was ending things but things woman had decided it wasn’t going to work at all.  It wasn’t with malice though. Two people running around in circles trying not to hurt each other.

Saying goodbyes are not my forte. This was known. So it was even harder. Then the egg on my face once I finally got the words out. No upsetting reaction. Just a yes. That would be best. That clued me in.

If you’re having problems in a relationship and trying to work things out, someone just saying out of nowhere they’re leaving would get a different reaction.

Then my fish…well didn’t really die.  He’s very sick so I was watching for signs of deterioration.

Last night he wasn’t really swimming and wouldn’t eat. Shit. Always voracious and always moving.

I was more concerned with how he was feeling. What, from being so ill? Even pain too? Of course he couldn’t tell me, but he came straight to the front of the tank, every time I went to talk to him.

His gills would flip even faster than when ever getting oxygen or anything else. My baby was one happy fish. And I was one proud Mommy.

I’ve seriously fallen off the wagon. I’ve been drinking every day, not caring how much. I’m smoking too. Less than the drinking but I still can’t do it.

I did a cutting last night because of everything regarding the above. I haven’t done a cutting in so long. I actually have to stop typing soon as it hurts.

I didn’t even get to sleep. That was great as well.

Now it’s back to withdrawal/detox hell. That will be great as well. Uh, no. I deserve it though.

There’s gonna be a lot of bed and a lot of sickness around here for a while. I feel like I’m sitting in the middle of a Chernobyl but it’s of my life, not just relationships.

And I’m just a confused little child.

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  1. Hope you’re ok PA. Remember to breathe….

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  2. Hi My Blessed Gloomferret. Thank you for showing up and givin’ me the Ferret Love.

    Yeah, I’m breathing. Maybe that’s it?

    No. I’m too busy being fucked up about being fucked up so I’m really fucking up. A lot.

    We addicts are fucked up, self-centered pieces of rot. Big ones. It’s true. Psych 101 or Abnormal Psych 101. Take your pick but the latter would presumably go into more detail. Def.

    So that my sweet, begs (or really I do) your pardon for not responding sooner. I’m also still fighting about this piece of rot going six feet under.

    I’ll get an idea for a post and it just vanishes. Almost as soon as I dream it up at times. I think it’s because I’m too busy being fucked up about being fucked up so I’m really…

    And life goes on…

    I love you so much my dear friend. Maybe the only one left?

    I’m worried, as wee Provaletta here can’t find Chedder. Blog now private and no response to my requests or emails either. Cheddar, are we the only ones left from the start?

    I hope not. I also hope Chedder is okay.

    Of course lots of love to Aik as well.

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  3. No need to beg pardon for fucked up ness. As always. Chedder is busy with an endless stream of children from what I can tell from the book of face. Aik sends her love. Hope you find equilibrium soon. But dont rush it. Time to grieve is good,

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  4. Oh, Gloomferret!!!!! Thank you for your words of support and also your information about Chedder!

    If you do hear from, tell him you’ve told me so I won’t keep bugging him!

    *love*

    Like




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