Archive for July, 2014

You see.  Titlle.  Ive always hated talking about being si Xbox k. Oh, that was supposed to beb me being sick.

I ve always hated it.

But maybe a series of being what it’s like to be an alcolic.

Like tonight.

Bumming smoking.  When you gotta quit that too. Late you see the sunrise because it’s insomnia not foy beauty

Sitting or pacing if your energy talks tos
you Tv is almost frightens you.

Then music gets scary too.

Food,  yeah.  Need anything eat but can’t.

Something like potatates. But you left then before you went out.  Come home. Dont care . Music. Smoking. Maybe later.


Coming home.  Trying to habg on to the smokes so you know at least a couple for homb.

Wanting music and loud.  Sleeping and yire clothes because you don’t give a shit.  Even your shoesn

Staying up si ck

Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?

Went out. Couldn’t stop.  Got in a damn near fight.  Want it to stop.  I don’t know how.

Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?

Substance Detox and Withdrawal can cause diarrhea.  Sometimes explosive diarrhea.

I’ve been relapsing all over the place so guess who had to run to the bathroom just now?! Pretty explosive.

I’ve had less explosive episodes.  They were in my pants and pyjamas though.  Asleep AND awake. 

Yes, you heard that right.  I’m such an addict, that shitting myself won’t get me to stop drinking.

Unbelievable.  How did I get to this point? This bad?

I have one month until I enter an Outpatient Program.  Apparently there are loads of them, so choose whatever fits. 

From there, already a countdown to the 21 Day Inpatient Program.  Some people don’t need/want/care about it, but if I do? Open Door?

I found out from another woman while drinking last night (oh, life can too rich at times) there might be a group to hold me over until September.

I can call.  I have to make many calls and do work involving a computer-like-thingy but no way.  BED all the way.

No food as well? Severe Gastric pain.  Then probably just more diarrhea.

As I always say, it’s not a contest between illnesses and how people live with them.  You can’t feel what they feel and vice versa.

But how the fuck can I say scream, “Don’t become an addict!!!”

Well, I can’t.  Even if genetics are involved.  People will always do whatever they want.  Maybe I could try and convince them about me shitting my pants?

You know, I probably couldn’t even with that.  They would all start cracking up at how funny that Scene was in “Trainspotting.”  The one where Ewan McGregor had to run to that ultimately disgusting toilet before he was going to ultimately, disgustingly shit his own pants.

Quite toxic today.  Bedrest.  Don’t think I have the capability to drink tonight.  I’m in too much pain as well.  This is all good. 

I don’t care how sick I am, I only care about nuking my alcohol consumption and being sober.  It may not look like it now but it’s true. 

This is just the beginning though.  I’m like a baby learning to walk; take it’s first steps.  That’s why I’m falling down all over, getting so many bumps and bruises.

Now it’s destroying me.  I wish I could say I’m so sorry to everyone and for everything!!!

But for now, don’t become an addict.  Laugh all you want about that Scene in “Trainspotting.”  I agree that it is funny.  However, way over the top in reality!

Just think of you, me and Ewan as addicts.  Simultaneously, explosive diarrhea hits and we all have a choice: fight each other for that disgusting toilet or shitting our pants.

What option would you choose?

Step back and don’t take this literally.  Then, look at it as a perpetual cycle that you can’t break or escape from. If you can’t quite picture it I’ll help. 

The bathroom is alcohol.  Disgusting, toxic.  Sorry, Ewan.

The other two people are actually me, not you! I’m the one with the choice. 

Go to the bathroom, and there’s so much shit everywhere, I just order diapers in bottles and glasses.

Don’t go in the bathroom? You’ve chosen the way not to become an addict.  Or, if you already are, one more step to better days and a better life.

Also, washing out your clothes is nothing compared to changing diapers constantly in a bar.  Pretty embarrassing too.

Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?

Alright.  Debatably, straight to the point but I have the “Tangential Gene” (aka ADD.)

I fail to understand why people who seem to Follow me on Twitter actually don’t–when they said they were–in an email.  It can also happen when I go to the standard version of Twitter on my computer.  There, I can see an amalgam of people who were in email notices, or just somehow jumped on me.  Okay.  Fine.

I found that a real PITA at first.  Especially when I hadn’t been online for a long time.  I also carry the “Responsibility Gene” (aka PTSD.)  I feel extremely guilty for making people have to wait.  It’s even worse when it could be something important.  I’ll want to slit my throat if I know it’s important and I get to it for whatever reason.

Are Twitter Follows important? That’s on the little piece of paper from my Fortune Cookie.

From what I’ve written above, it almost sounds like I live and die by them.  But aren’t there others who are (or become) so busy or life-interrupted, or anything-interrupted, they can’t get back to Twitter immediately like me?

Also this is only regarding “me.”  Why people do this on Twitter to “me.”  Although, you might have experienced it too.

First, some Stats:

Of course these numbers will be subject to change after the date of this post.

My Twitter Follows: 1,358.

My My Twitter Followers: 1,106.

My Blog Followers Shown on Front/Index Page: 283,657

I cannot comment on my Blogroll, but there are A LOT of blogs there that need to be removed.  They could be pronounced, “Time of Death Called, (pick any ancient time.)  Cause: Death by No More Writing!”

Here’s another big one! My Stats for Page Views (I won’t dig for times, specific pages.)  This is really hard as I have to make a huge estimate.  I could say literally mid-hundreds to 400.  Realistically? Let’s go with about 100-200.  My Blog has been up 7.5 yrs.

These numbers are important to what I have to say about this subject.  I already know it’s all due to Viral App bullshit, but “why me?” Those numbers are REALLY SMALL as far as so many other people’s Blogs!

Here’s and example:

I get an invite to someone who is a NEW Follower of mine.  I check them out and they have 27.3K people they are Following.  In return, 53.5K other people are Following them.

While checking them out, I see they are not Following me–despite their invite.  Are they looking for some kind of “Reach?”  People, look at all of my numbers above! If “Reach” is what they want, I don’t think they’ll get much here.

I also find it kind of “rude” if the person and I have shared interests.

So what if you’re Following 64.9K people? Is one more really going to make a difference? Especially when YOU contacted me in the first place?

And this is just classic! They send you a DM thanking you for Following them.  Problem! You can’t say “you’re welcome!” They’re not Following You!!!

I will admit I do have some Heavy Hitters Following me on Twitter. A member of the actual Kennedy Family! One member of three Professional Psychiatrists that run a massive blog (and more) for Mental Health.  Oh, she’s gone now! *laughing*  Unfollow, Follow. The same with the others.  They are the “Masterminds” behind “Shrink Rap.”

There are more medical ones for sure.  Oh, boy.  I know there are definitely others related to my other interests.  My primary interest of almost having my brain stuck in a Vat of Neurology and Psychiatry. *laughing*  But for it? Still not that much for “Reach” for a lot of these people.  I still don’t think so.

Personally I don’t say that much on Twitter.  Maybe personal chat, I used to act like a total idiot, so maybe that will start up again. Something might come out of me to generate a Follower? Okay, I’ll admit to a bit of that.  Some Heavy Hitters out of a VERY small Following.

I generally use Twitter as a vehicle for my Blog Posts.  I ALSO have Twitter Followers that subscribe to my Blog in that format.  Posts via Twitter, definitely! A tiny bit of a Stream where something pops up? Referrals? But I’M SO TINY!!!

Now, for all you really popular and “Heavy Hitters?” Please don’t let this Post make ANY OF YOU stop coming to me for a Twitter Follow! PLEASE!!! That is not what this Post is about either! It’s more a question of why? Again, “why me.”  If you liked my content, why not Follow me back?

If you have 1,000,000K Followers, and 2K you’re Following? 200 you are Following? Still come to me on Twitter!!!

Even if you don’t like me so much, or you’re trying to get to other people through me? Hey! That’s just it! I probably answered my own Post (or part of it?)

Now? It doesn’t even matter.  Again, if you’re not really into my content, I still might really like yours.  Then, I’ll Follow you back.

I’d still like you to Follow me though.  It could lead to some really great things.

Quantum Physics will pretty much kick the ball off after you do Follow me.  And hopefully in the right way.  But ya gotta give it a try.

POSTSCRIPT: Now watch me never get any Twitter Followers EVER.AGAIN.

I finally found the way to get me properly treated for all of this alcohol, addiction bullshit (believe me I could use more profane words.)

A long haul.  An appt. early September for a “Consultation.”  That consultation will be two and a half hours.  I’m afraid I might pass out in the middle of it.

From there, I must do one of many types(?) of outpatient treatment.  I have no fucking clue what the hell that means.

52 Pick Up?

The one good thing is that once I start whatever outpatient program, I’m already set up for the 21 Day Inpatient Program.

Totally my aim and what I need for physical, medical and psych needs.

The problem is, that’s a long time away.   After three days of being sober and feeling really strong about it, really determined, I relapsed.  I went out drinking.

I’ve said it.  I’m an addict.  Even further, you can’t trust an addict.

To hell with me being an addict.  If I can’t gain anyone’s trust? A serious reason to live in the bottle.

Although, chicken and egg? Trust with or without the bottle? Trust when I’m so close to the gutter, that person pulls me out?

I’m tired.  Of this.  20 Years.  Half my life.  I don’t know if I can do it.

I know I have to for all of the fucking shit that’s wrong, or not “wrong” with me, but what I grew up with and couldn’t control.

Excuse any typos or statements that might seem contrary to the content.  Still fighting, still failing but exhausted either way.

Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?

I have three doctor’s appointments in a row starting today.  I’m seeing my Therapist on Monday.

Someone invited me out for lunch on the weekend.  When you are going through Detox and Withdrawal, you do not want to hear ANY word relating to food (neither does your stomach either.)

I can’t remember the last time I took a shower.  I change my clothes pretty often, use deodorant but I’m basically living in pyjamas anyway. 

Although, since I wake up thoroughly drenched from sweating all night, is that A Positive or A Negative?

Does all that water all over my body, does it count as a shower? It doesn’t make me smell that weird and you can’t even smell anything on my sheets and pillows.

We do have a slight humongous issue with my hair.  I could probably do at least 10 Oil Changes at your local Garage.  Maybe 11 depending upon the vehicle types.

There’s also the issue of that little cutting I did.  It’s healing well but my immune system sucks.  I don’t want water pounding on the fresh sutures.  This is a weird half-excuse to not shower because I feel totally disgusting.

My hair isn’t long enough yet for a proper ponytail.  However, there’s enough to poke it out of the back of a baseball cap. 

If I really brush it out with one to design curls at the bottom of your hair, I can knock off a couple of cars at the Garage. 

Then, some good clean, human clothes (i.e. being seen on the street in something other than your vast collection of hospital bottoms.)  Also something long enough on top so the people in the building won’t see your cutting.  GOSSIP CENTRAL!!!

Nice smelling deodorant and some nice smelling perfume? Hey! Good to go!

Actually, folks? I could definitely shower.  I could force myself to, despite feeling so sick (if I had to.)

The thing is, it would be a long, very careful, and slow process for safety.  I should really be taking baths in my condition, which for safety’s sake, I think I will do.

But that means I have to clean the tub!!!

Not that it’s filthy or anything! However, please tell me the point of taking a bath to become clean, in and on any surface which is not clean? There isn’t one.  Go back to the Swamp.

Detox and Withdrawal makes you beyond extremely tired.  You can be mistaken for corpse at times.  I once got up in the morning, took my meds and fell back to sleep.  I woke up close to the time to take my night meds to go to sleep. 

That little fact makes me wonder if I’d have to clean my tub in several stages due to exhaustion.  Not to mention the fumes from the cleaning “stuff.”

I re-dyed my hair (black) the other day and ACK! I put on a medical procedure mask, fan in the bathroom, open the windows…

So I think I’m going to hang out in the jungle for a while.  Maybe the weekend will afford me the time and I might be feeling better.  Then again, three appointments in a row might leave me the perfect model for a corpse.

Okay, time to crawl out of the Swamp for Appointment #1.  See ya.  Hopefully.

Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?

There are worse things I could do
Than chug eight drinks, do a cutting or two
Even though I know I’m trashy and no good
In a gutter that’s true too
But there are worse things I could do

I could flirt with every pill
Smile at them and test my will
Pour them all around my bed
Make me think I’m better dead
Then refuse to see it through
A total coward that’s true too

I could stay home every night
Wait around for Sanity’s Flight
My Flights are drinking every day
And throwing my life away
On a “me” that won’t come true

Would you hurt if you’re like me
So much hubris, too blind to see
I always steal and forever lie
But can I feel? Do I bother to cry?
These facts I’ll bet you never knew
But to cry in front of you
That’s the worst thing…

…I’d ruin you…

I can no longer do it on my own. Not llike before? I’m going through so much triggerery shit read now, but so what?

Well, it’s a perfect time for an addict (that would be me!) to completely get run over the bandwagon she I feel off it.
I can’t believe it, but I’m going to ask Sweetie GP to put me into a proper Rehab Facility. That is, in case I don’t change my mind in the morning.

But it’s nagging at me. This feeling that I really need help. No more wake up calls, coming too close to whatever harm or danger. I

It’s like an ache in my bones, and if quitting drinking is the only way to stop it, I have to. Otherwise, I’ll be left in perpetual madness.

And you thought drinking was perpetual madness.

The worst madness is it’s completely fucking up my life. That’s a huge sign you need help.

I’m missing appts, by sleeping in other things I should be on top of easily if I wasn’t drinking. Letting “me” disappear.

I can’t function.

I even shit my pants a couple of times not long ago. NEVER have I done THAT in my alcoholic lifetime.

So I guess I need some help this time around. Even if don’t feel so sick.

Actually, it’s been like I’ve been teleported back a bit to my 20s. Undiagnosed Bipolar and the biggest “Functional Alcoholic” ever.

Now with everything else, the triggers, Damocles, an Albatross, even an Anvil around my neck.

This will be fun. Considering I love going into hospital so much. Let’s not forget any waiting lists for proper treatment facilities either.

Okay. Done.

Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?

Let’s write a post.  Maybe an important one too.  Then I’ll try to get to Twitter.  Maybe.  I’ve done a lot today.  How about an email response to my mother.

‘Nuff said?

For someone going through Detox and Withdrawal (again) I know I can’t push myself.  I might slip.  I can’t even believe I’m sitting in my regular pub, drinking a can of pop.  I had to run to the bartender before he started pouring me my drink and putting it on my table as soon as I walked in the door.

Yes, this is kind of like the TV show “Cheers” but definitely an updated version.  For at least two reasons: we all dress better (well most of us…) but we all have MUCH better hair! We ALL have seriously, better hair!

What did I buy? A “Cplus orange BURST!” o.O

I thought it would be rather amusing.  I couldn’t recall drinking one since I was 10-years-old at the most.  It also wasn’t called that back then. Still tastes the same though!

Not drinking sucks.  Well, if you’re an addict, alcoholic, whatever. Especially when I’ve only been sober for THREE FUCKING DAYS AND I CAN MAKE IT OUTSIDE!!! Much worse, all I hear is people ordering drinks.

“Well, PA? Why don’t you go somewhere they don’t serve alcohol?”


Except for a Public Library (with Internet) but it closes around what? 1700hrs? I mean, just stay home! Continue being a hermit! I’m trying NOT to be a hermit!

I just can’t win…  Kidding.  Total sarcasm.

I had some plans for the summer.  Things to get involved in.  I did! Get my Loser Arse out of the house.  I called and they all take Summer Breaks.  I’m going to have a “Broken Summer.”  Just when I tried?

That’s okay.  I’m literally going to have a “Broken Summer.” I FINALLY found a place for Physiotherapy that is covered by the Stoopid Guvmunt©.  This is a very good thing.

I have been trying to find a decent place for ages! Moreover, the timing is Super-Duper-Absolooper-ImportanTOOper©!

I thought this was only an issue when I was walking too much.  My right ankle (and foot) get so sore!!! Sometimes I’ve even had to wrap it all up in a bandage, elevate, and keep it still in the evening up until bed.  It’s like a killer sprain.

Now? It’s happening every day.  It doesn’t matter how far I go.  Not good.  I’m even watching how I walk and my foot can get all bent.

I have a case of “spazzy foot.”

Nonetheless, fix spazzy foot, get my entire body strong again and maybe a dream fulfilled…? Later on that one.  If I keep blogging and find it a form of “Therapy” too.