Archive for August 25th, 2014

I think you should all be aware that PA is suffering a fair amount of anxiety at the moment.  That anxiety would be due to her approaching treatment for Addiction.  Also, it would be appropriate for you to know that she has also started smoking again.  She had quit before.

This presents quite another problem.  You should never try to quit multiple Addictive Substances at the same time.  I am doing my best to try and keep her smoking under control.

As far as her alcohol consumption? Oh, dear.  It is like she has reverted back her days in University! Attending many parties before she must, as she sees it, a rather large Guillotine.

I am not doing a very good job in trying to convince her that she should stop doing all of these things.  I really am trying, flapping my flippers all around as much as I can.  She might be alright for a couple of days or so.  I almost feel guilty in my duties.  Am I not flapping enough to get her attention as I should do? Are my flippers not strong enough.

I will keep trying.  I will never abandon her.  It is my purpose, my one and only duty to help and take care of my PA.

Well, what’s really stupid is to type with a touchpad on your mobile–in a moving car.  Accessible Transit to see Therapist.

The really BIG stupid? I’ve told two women something. One was a LDR, bound to fail in a lot of cases but hey! We’re still going to give friendship a shot.

So I’ve told you two women basically the same sort of thing.  I’m backing off, backing out, whatever, because they have “Lives.”

Things that are real and tangible.  Partners, friends, jobs etc.  I have none of these things.  If you put it in that context, then I have no “Life.”

But I get it.  I do.  I totally understand their situations.  I used to have types of “Lives” years ago as well.

In one case, I asked if I was too high maintenance.  Super Duper Full Life (aka LDR.)

In the other, I just made it simple.  My decision, but blunted: “I think…” vs. “I will…”  You know.  One of those types?

And I said it last night.

It’s like waking up with a verbal hangover.©  What I said has been making me feel like me crap, and so guilty ever since I woke up.

PERFECT ANALOGY RIGHT NOW: I’m currently locked out of my Therapist’s Office when it’s always open.

And I need caffeine to somehow Un-STUPID me a little.

I guess my dilemma is, am I hurting these people? In sounding like I’m making some sort of dramatic abandonment of them?

I’m only saying that because of misinterpretation to the max.! And nobody bothering to talk it out.  Plus the English language is ridiculous! Maybe I am hurting them?

But talk it out.  Which is always my preference.  Except the little problem where  I’ve been the one to say I won’t talk.

The other part of the dilemma? Am I actually protecting myself and my own emotions?

Because I don’t do that.  And if that’s what I’m doing, it feels REALLY strange.

And scary.  Because if I’m protecting myself in not talking to them, it feels like I’ve forced them to abandon me by my own hand.  Would you care for a second pretzel with that?

I know it’s not black and white.  Things in life never are.  They can’t be! It goes against the law of nature itself.  Something changes every second you breathe.  Even faster than that!

What am I doing? I just about stormed out of my Therapist’s Office three times. My appointment is over now.

Nothing was getting through her head.  She didn’t sign a form right so that went into the trash.  That was the first explosion of my verbal hangover.©

It was like her ears were stuffed with cotton.  I was too exhausted to keep explaining things.  She’s never like this! Well, I’m pretty fucked up too.

I extremely, hugely, vaguely danced around this business with me: taking care of my emotions or upsetting someone else.  That sort of linked to something else were talking about.

She kept repeating things that I should have done something regarding a problem I had.  It was a big problem, but as above, no damn energy to explain MORE.  Second puke of verbal hangover.©

I just sat staring at paintings on the wall.  Then it hit me! A True Revelation!

I shouted, “We’re all human! We all make mistakes!” Uh, yeah.

There’s a longstanding joke about Aspies and others on the Spectrum going to Therapy.  Google Alexithymia for a start.  That’s one of my problems.

I don’t know how my “Grand Proclamation” fits in with all of this.  I know it probably does somewhere.  That makes me feel a little less Stupidupider.

But one thing my Therapist said made me my ears perk up.  Well, all of me really.  Did I end up becoming her Therapist? Her Priest? No, I don’t think she’s Catholic.

Not strong enough to be counter-transference? I don’t think so.  But when I said that was really sweet a couple of times, she kind of changed her demeanor.

She said she felt like she was “My Protector.”  She didn’t want to see me have to take on everyone’s problems and everything else they had to deal with.

It’s obvious that’s a huge issue for me.  We both know that!

But hearing what she said.  I’m too close to the situation.  Votes.  Counter-transference or not? I don’t care.  No Transference on my side.

She can protect me as much as she wants! When we first met she said how she worked was “very eclectic.”  I knew she was for me and I didn’t need simple Garden Variety.  Focus on my PTSD and Dissociative Amnesia and really crazy stuff.

You can’t find Therapists that can take on that just anywhere.  She’s human.  Maybe because tiny, crazy, wee PA requires extra care.  And maybe it’s something she just feels about wee PA.

I think I can fix what I said to that one woman if it came off wrong now.

Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?