Archive for August, 2014


Okay, fuck this bullshit.  Short Post NOW.  I spent two days with a fried Withdrawal brain to write something, maybe not such trash as this? My mobile ate it.  The WP app. online ate it.  Bite me technology.

My Blog triggers me? Being in the Online World triggers me? PA what the gadamman stupid bile is comin’ outta yer mauth and dribblin’ down yer face now!

What a load of shit! That is the craziest thing I’ve EVER said about taking a break from blogging.  This probably IS therapeutic in some way.  I’m not this ball of total madness and sickness, holed up alone merely staring at things in my apartment.  I just can’t do a lot of stuf…zzzzzzzzzz…

Perhaps a case of the DTs? They’re pretty bad this time around. One really significant sign is if your feeling paranoid.  The word “Paranoid” does not appear in my Mental Dossier.  However, how much external stuff was going on? I made the decision.  It was about me.

Can you be paranoid of yourself? About yourself? I’m not excluding DID folks; they apply in the discussion as well.  I’m just thinking of the raw, basics sort of way.

If there’s anyone out there who knows what it’s like for them to feel paranoid or have ongoing repeated episodes of paranoia, I’d like to hear from you.  Of course this is only if you feel comfortable talking about it! Also, if you want to talk but you don’t want to leave a Comment on my Blog in response here, you can definitely feel free to email me.  No secrets leave my lips so you’ll be safe.  I promise.

So CRAZY PA is back! Be forewarned though.  You’re dealing with a very sick PA.  I’m not looking for sympathy.  I’ve been an alcoholic and an addict for 20 years now.  The best thing is I’m finally going to try and get treatment.  I wish I could back in time for so many apologies, broken hearts, broken trusts and destroyed relationships.

Be Forewarned.  Seriously.  I have no idea what is going to happen here, other places where I’m online.  Also, what could not happen. Perhaps the only thing I do know is that I’ll be very slow.  You will be on earth and I will be circling the rings of Saturn.

Speaking of circling those rings,  this Detox and Withdrawal are bringing out my other diagnoses and mental lunacy to epic proportions as well.  My Asperger’s level? I’m just stimming and doing all those WEIRD Aspie things we can do all the time.  My hypervigilance? I have NO clue how high it is because yesterday felt like a Panic Attack that lasted THE.WHOLE.DAY.  

I’m not joking.  It did feel like that!!! o_O  I also don’t get Panic Attacks.  Some kind of DT-ism/Paranoia-ism?

Okay.  Gravol, Valium, Bed.  Try to rest and be calm as Therapy tomorrow.  Not like she’d care if I’m all SPAZZZYYY and I look like a zombie that’s actually living and doesn’t like to eat heads.  She’s my bloody Therapist! I just want to try and rest for me.

And cuddle up with my Bedbugs.  They make me look like I have hives.  Yay for that too.


The “Anniversary” of my cat dying is tomorrow.  I don’t even know or want to know how many years ago it was.  It rendered me incapable of having any more cats because… 

I’ll spare you the gory details.

Actually, it made me incapable of having any pets.  Until I recently bought a Betta (type of fish that are so beautiful.)

His name was Rilke.  He got sick and died maybe two months after I had him.  Or maybe it was Infanticide.

After every medicine I could find (but not the right one) he wasn’t eating.  He wouldn’t listen to Mommy when she talked.  He would always swim immediately to the front of the tank and look directly at me during our “conversations.”

I was worried if he was in pain.  Not moving, eating.  Goodbye.

I then proceeded to throw out everything to do with owning a Betta.  Into the trash! I won’t own a Betta again either.

Mo (short for Mozart) killed me.  No, a huge part of me died with him. *crying in cafe/pub*

I don’t give a shit if people see me cry public.  Bugger Off!

Perfect day to begin to try and stop killing myself.

Thanks for always listening folks.
PA

Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?


To anyone who read it, you have been a victim of my “Drunken Blogging.”  Things can get pretty out of control, and as I result, I speed right past you and pull out my insanity for a Post. WHAM! You’re off to ER if you even have a chance of survival.

If you know me, you’ll say, “Oh, Jesus Christ PA.  Here she goes AGAIN…”

If you don’t know me, and read my Drive-By(s), you will say, “Oh Jesus Christ!!! What the HELLLLL is this place??? I WANT MY MOMMMMMMEEEEEYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!”

I should throw out the pack of cigarettes I bought last night, but it feels soooooo good to have (so far just one) of them with my morning tea.  Idiot PA.  

That single one just made my chest feel like someone lighting a match.  That match was to try and start kindling wood for a campfire.  

That campfire was for an Eight Generation Family Reunion.  It was miraculous they were all still alive and showed up.  

Therefore, they all needed a nice, cozy seat around that campfire. None of them cared if the smoke literally blew straight in their faces, knocking them backwards and upside down off their chairs. They’d just pick them up again to sit back in front of that huge campfire to stay nice and cozy.

I was away for so long.  I vanished from my Blog, Twitter.  I let personal emails to those who know me in PA Land just sit too. The latter was awful.  It felt like I just hit a big “IGNORE” Button.

I’m now back to Blogging about nothing but my health.  I hated that, and it was one of the reasons I disappeared for so long-even to the point of shutting my Blog down altogether.  Well, obviously I didn’t.

However, at this time, it feels like blogging about all of this, Tweeting as well…it’s almost like the online activity is enabling me.

Moreover, I have enough triggers, and just “things” that enable ME.  It’s so bizarre but I enable myself so often.

Good god.  What was I going to say? *stumbles blindly within memory*  Well, I did just “say” some things on Twitter.

Alright.  Let me give you “The Life of PA While She Continues to Drink Every Day.”

WHOO BOY.  Also, it is important to know that she’s going through Detox and Withdrawal while still drinking.  Yes, you can actually do that.

Here we go:

– Stays in bed and does not move ALL DAY–but must do something?

– My television.  Anime with Subtitles because in English it’s awful! READING…ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? MAYBE ONE LINE? That can make the Anime Subs REALLY hard.  I’m surprised the Rewind Button on my Remote Control still works! Anime out the window.  Regular TV? Nothing on and the programming can lick freshly plopped sheep shit.  A movie of my own.  Total Rewind Button again, because I can’t keep up with the plot and what people are saying.

– Actually, a bit of reading: Graphic Novels and Manga are okay, but I reserve them for going out and drinking. Why do I do this? I have no fucking clue.

– I still have my “To Don’t Lists”© but they are COMPLETELY unrealistic.  Therefore, I have reduced them to daily tasks.  I did that one time while still lying in bed.  Does that count as a daily task? While still feeling like the Grim Reaper is coming in 10 minutes?

– Dishes do not get done.  They take up every piece of usable space in my kitchen.  I wash one spoon and one bowl if I need them to eat.  Nothing else.  This lasts forever.  Like washing myself too.  Yep.

– I do not listen to music during the day.  I choose that form of media when coming home from the bar in whatever shape I’m in.  I guess it’s just a “Let’s Keep The Party Going!!!” I have no clue about this either.  And yes, the music is always blasting.

– I forget every.single.thing.  Thank you calendars with reminders on mobiles!!! Unless I forget to put the information in.  #epicepicepicepicDISASTER *wants to cry*

– I’ve shit my pants.  Twice.  Once when I was awake and once when I was asleep.

– I have a very intimate relationship with the bank machine across the street.  I’m just waiting for it to propose with a gorgeous ring!!!

– Two cuttings, one requiring sutures.

– I don’t bother drinking tea (today is the first day in months!) Why bother? I’m just going lie in bed all day.  Time escapes me until…I start to perk up when I usually go out to drink!!! My body now seems in a trap of a pattern of “needing” alcohol? Not good!!! At least I’m not a “Fall Down Drunk.”  Nope.  No injuries to report.

I “think?” that’s enough? I won’t bother getting into more of the Detox and Withdrawal Issues.  No doubt they are playing very big role in this as well as my addiction.

When I’m online, I’m so bloody slow, it takes me hours to respond to a simple email! Time has yet escaped me here? How long have I been simply writing this Post and going on and on…not even proofing or editing at all? About three hours.

This is where I need to vanish yet again.  I’ve spent my entire days and into the evening in PA Land.  Times when I should be trying to maybe get some help.  Some help until I go to my Outpatient Program and then when that is done, Inpatient for three weeks.

Even if I can’t get any, I have to concentrate very hard on my own to fight to do other things.  Like tie myself to my bed! Lock myself into my own apartment, even stop writing here and if I get the musedom, apply it to my own writing.

I’ll be back.  When I can hopefully somehow get some HAAAAAAALLLLLLPPPPP!!!!!!!!! 

Whether it comes from me, hospital etc.  Even if it’s not until Inpatient, you know PA always Blogs from her Hospital Stays.  She can never resist that. *laughing*

Lots of love to you all,
PA


I have a calendar to mark the days I don’t drink and those I do.  I start off with a red ‘X” but later in the evening, it gets slashed over with a big black ‘X’ meaning I eventually went out.

Is Donald Trump still the most richest man on the planet? If not, I’m draining them and putting them in the black, near bankruptcy with calendar.

This is so goddamn fucking fucked! And don’t tell me that you have to WANT
to get sober if you WANT to get sober.

If tell me that? Go straight to hell and do a lot of other things too.  I DO WANT THIS!

I just don’t know how to make it happen.
Bloody Hell! I just bought a pack of smokes because I felt so guilty about bumming them at the pub.  I think people were getting pissed off too.

Excuse me? Smoking is worse than drinking for me!!! You know.  Remember that slight chance of Emphysema? But it should be fine because I’ve quit smoking!

I also bought some lottery scratch cards.  Gee! Not trading an an addiction for another, just adding one more?

Music on and neighbours outside all the time! Must it? Nothing special.  Delirium. 

Good word for me and my life now though.

Refusing to proof. 

Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?