Technological and Personal Suicide

February 5, 2015 in Bipolar Disorder, Cranky, Facts About Patient Anonymous, Head Injury, Health, Hospitalizations, Medicine, Neat Neuro Stuff, PA Sucks, Patient Advocacy, PTSD and Dissociative Disorders, Seizures, Self Medication, Therapy, You Decide

Well, it looks like baby MacBook is still refusing to die.  If you’re a Mac user, the worst (of several) things you can see is a gray screen with its Folder Icon with a big question mark flashing.  DEATH.  It’s like a PC’s “Blue Screen of Death” that no Techie can EVER fix.

Well, despite not working on the next attempt at saving it? Here I am typing on it still.  Perhaps I should change baby MacBook’s name to baby Lazarus.

Personal Suicide?  Hmmm.

Let’s start off with the fact that I have had every discussion about the issue, up down, sideways, backward, forward, diagonally… Discussions? Debates? Arguments?

The right for someone to do it, they’re not in a proper state of mind, leaving ones behind so they’re selfish because pain for others afterward, just plain selfish themselves.  What else? Planning beforehand.  Who was that guy? Some Professor? He mapped it out for ages and was “in a proper state of mind.”

Or do people not think so?

What about euthanasia? Another one? I’m probably missing more I have “discussed.”

I really am not “Pro-Suicide” but I believe that in some situations, people taking their own lives has some merit.  When I was bedridden for 2-3 years, seizing non-stop, completely sick in terms of other parts of my body and losing my life–my prior life that I may not ever regain? Not being able to do the things I could before because of my questionable condition?

I flat out told my mother that I would take my own life.  I would kill myself because I would refuse to live my life as it was for n period of time.  I did tell her that it was n period of time.  I didn’t know the future so I would decide on my own.

“Discuss” that one folks.  However, I got better (although not completely to my prior life) before n period.  Thus, I didn’t have to make the decision.  Was I like the Professor? I had a plan? Roughly? Was I not in a proper state of mind?

Maybe I’m the only one who knows.  Nonetheless, I didn’t do anything did I?

Doing something.  Proper state of mind.  Planning beforehand. This is tough.

For those of you who don’t know, in the beginning of 2011 I made a suicide attempt.  And a big one.

Not that this is a “Suicide Guide Blog” but pissing about with chucking a bottle of pills (which I don’t advise) down your throat will only make you sick.  I’ve done it twice.

On the aforementioned date, I don’t even know how many drugs (aka pills from my many bottles of meds) I gulped down with a bottle of Red Wine.

If you care to look at my Page: “Been There, Done That…Psych Med, Lab Rat!” it not only lists all of the meds I’ve been on but updates at the end once I started to get on different meds to find a cocktail to stabilize me.  The majority at the top were ADs that I cannot take being Bipolar.  Some Bipolar folks can take them but they make me even worse.

That time, the only thing I remember was shoving loads of pills down my throat, trying to get help, saying fuck it, taking more until I felt unbelievably sick.  Memory gone.

Then I was found by one of the tenants in our house in the snow with no coat on.  Sound weird? Later, I pieced it all together. Complex partial seizure.  I’m always unconscious (lack of clothing) injuries on hand, torn clothing and maybe a tonic-clonic that followed (not uncommon) because I had a massive TBI.  Straight to the ER, straight to the ICU.  In a coma for a few days.

Why did I do this? Life was sucky, but there was a specific reason. And this reason had been on my mind for a long time.  Was I impulsive like my two prior attempts by throwing bottles of my meds down my throat with wine as a chaser, or did I think it was, “the right time.”

Because if I had the idea why for so long, was it really impulsive? Could I have not been in a proper state of mind for so long? It’s possible.  Your mind can do strange things.  Perhaps the attempt was an attempt to try and escape that situation? I couldn’t bear it after so long?

Maybe I’m the only one who knows.  Nonetheless, I did do something, didn’t I?

I suffered a lot from it obviously.  I’ve been told I’m actually lucky to be alive.  I always say I did die.  For without having the life support of the ICU I would have been dead.  Yes, I was fully intubated and on a respirator, another tube up my nose for more support.

Crap! Cough and remove the tube from inside, cuts on the side of my mouth! It’s all taped to your face.  Thoracic.

But I don’t remember any of that.  Well, fabric restraints in case I woke up, all out of mind and tried to pull, tear everything off me and being intubated! If I ripped that out of me? Possible uhhhh…damage?

But the biggest thing is I have both Retrograde and Anterograde Amnesia regarding the entire thing. None of those memories are ever coming back.

Even when I awoke from the coma, everyone thought I was all conscious and “there.”  Not at all.  I only remembered a guy from the Psych. Ward wearing a light blue Golf Shirt.

Then I was gone again–even though I was talking.  And it continued.  Even after I was discharged.  Just a few pieces of things that happened retained.

It’s kind of rare to have both Retrograde and Anterograde Amnesia at the same time.  That is to say surrounding one event? I believe so.

Would I attempt suicide again? Yes, I might.  That has always been written on this blog in Post after Post.  I’ve never made it a secret. I am mentally ill! Or I have mental health issues, if you prefer. They’re not going away.  Neither is my life in living with them.

In fact, I was desperatey suicidal last night.  I fought so hard to just jump off my balcony! That wouldn’t have killed me.  Just broken me up a bit.  Snapped a lot of bones and such.

I’ve been skydiving so I know how to do a PLF.  That’s what I would have done.  So I really wouldn’t have died.  I just wished that I actually would have.