Archive for the ‘ADD’ Category


Well, I can try. Second night at Dad’s now. My sister and uncle just blasted into the room as she flew in from across the country. Things are now getting more and more stressful as I’m coming face to face with extended family members I kicked them out of my life (including my father in the next room.) I did so because they would give you Ebola through a simple phone call.

When I saw my sister, I started crying because I haven’t seen her a bajillion years. She was pretty cold, ambivalent maybe? Both? She did complement my shoes.

Still running on fumes. Actually had a full meal today. For dinner a Bison Burger! Welcome to Canada! You wouldn’t see that on every restaurant menu though.

Tomorrow I have to go the Funeral Home with my sister and pay for the Cremation. A financial glitch, but I would have done it anyway! She was my mother!

I’ll get reimbursed.  It will be covered by a Government Pension Mom was receiving. Of course, I know to get a Death Certificate. When dealing with Estate Laws you ALWAYS get multiple copies of Death Certificates for everything that you have to handle.

I meant to write more about my feelings and emotions. There is just so much going on. A concoction of business, chaos, miscommunication and exhaustion. It doesn’t leave much time for even the slightest pause or glimpse into one’s inner thoughts, and time to reflect upon them. Right now, I’m either the walking dead (bad pun) or functioning on a UFO’s Autopilot System.

 

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I’m thinking of the wonderful person who left me the wonderful comment on my Post “Possible Departure.”  I’m also thinking of the new people I’m meeting now from the above hashtags on Twitter.

Can Dr. PA perform whatever surgery to reconnect her Blog causing the (best description) phantom limb pain? She’s not even sure what limb, or organ is affected.  And who’s to say there’s only one?

My personal writing is rather different than what you would see here.  Except possibly in style, in parts.  A smattering or splattering, here and there.

As far as my personal writing, I’ve got my fingers stuffed in every pie.  Apart from Screenplay which I would love.  I have a theatre background so I think it would be very fulfilling.
 
Otherwise, you name it, I’ve done it.  Or, have worked on and lost it, due to technological disasters–before a backup.  However, the main idea or ideas remained in my head.

I probably could have reconstructed it, like a five-year-old learning to tie their shoelaces for the first time.  Or maybe not.

I’d still give it a shot though.  If it became too troublesome and/or frustrating, I’d just stop and put it aside. 

That’s one thing I’ve learned.  If you still see one iota of potential in something you’ve set aside, even lost in a box, in an ancient notepad or on the floor under furniture *raises hand* NEVER throw it away.

Conversely, only you know what you’ve produced and where it came from.  I find (or feel) these are your most intimate pieces of work.  They are for me.  They are my poems.

It depends, but sometimes I can look at a poem I’ve written and immediately know it carries zero value whatsoever.  Others are like a rating system.  Like when you are at an intersection? Red, Yellow, Green…

What about environment? Well, it’s kind of odd for me.  I’ll start simply with either silence or a lot of sound.  Loud! Or just background, useless loops.

I have Asperger’s and ADD.  This is where things get a little strange.  I have some Auditory Processing Issues with my Asperger’s.  That might account for the various sounds I “automatically choose” to hear. 

The ADD! Indeed, you would think I could not focus that well? It might prove difficult to write? Yes, that happens.

There is another side to it though.  I can hyperfocus to extreme degrees on subjects that very much interest me.  A bomb blast next to me could happen and I wouldn’t have a clue.  And actually, the Asperger’s falls in line with that as well.

So, it’s somewhat comforting to know my rather complicated brain (more diagnoses) is good in a somewhat, somehow kind of way. *laughing*  Nah, my nutty bean comes in handy for other things too.

Well, I guess that’s some info about my writing and how I try to accomplish more than bogroll.  I find it hard to keep up with a lot of the time, but it’s still there.

Plus, there is no such thing as a lonely writer.  You have two awesome friends that will never leave your side.  A Dictionary and a Thesaurus.


I mentioned on Twitter that it might, might be time for me to hang up my Blogging Hat.  Or, to say stop my Blogging Hands.  That would be more appropriate.

It’s not an ongoing, forever-we-experience, Blogging Crisis.  It’s not Writer’s Block.  I could think of many things to write about.

Things have changed.  Some that are easy(ier) to explain, some I don’t know if I can, but I’ll try.  Some I don’t even know if I can explain to me!

My Blog has been up for nine years.  I don’t know how long any measurement that means.  In terms of living, averages of any kind, but that’s pretty irrelevant, I think.

I mentioned the word, “living.”

Are Blogs really living entities? I believe the answer is a very firm, no.  We MAKE them living entities.

I made an analogy on Twitter as well, regarding the “feelings” between both my Blog and me, as a person.  I said, “I feel like I have phantom limb pain.”

It’s true.  Something has been severed.  The “living entity” I have created, that which was so connected to me…  It’s not anymore…  But to what degree, and even what part of my body, I do not know…yet.

Despite still writing a bit more, I have been tremendously unhappy with my Blog.  The beginning of things being severed? There were times I couldn’t even look at it.  Now, things seem so, terribly disjointed and I can’t fix them.

I definitely don’t expect you to understand that last sentence!

Does reading my Blog make me cry? *laughing* Of course not! It’s my life!

Thinking about my life might make me cry, but my entire life isn’t on my Blog.

The only times I’ve cried reading my Blog was years ago.  I would receive these Comments from utter strangers.  They would pour their hearts out to me and tell me I literally saved their lives.

I would sit and bawl my eyes out.  Why me? Who am I? I didn’t say anything? It took a LONG time to respond to people like that! But they were few.  I’m not being egotistical.

I write a lot about having no life.  Well, I do.  We all do.  Perhaps not as we’d always like it, but you can’t escape the fact.

How many hours have I Blogged, read other Blogs, spent time on Twitter when that came along later.  How about all day and all night?

At the time it felt just fine.  Really? Not so really. 

That’s not healthy.  I mean, for me it isn’t.  It’s an unhealthy escape.  Too easy to muck about when I need to focus on getting myself at least somewhat together.  Also, that “somewhat” is just a start.

How long has it been since I really got into my own writing? I mean really got into it? I have SO many unfinished projects, I haven’t sent any Submissions to anyone in ages. *sighs*

Am I done? I sure feel done.  This Post has been exhausting to write.  Difficult, too.  Don’t cry, PA!

*teardrops*

But for now, I’m still here.  I haven’t made a final decision. 

Maybe Dr. PA can perform some surgery on both sides; to mend herself and reattach what she brought to life and into this world.


Someone might be checking me out now.  Looking at my blog to find out more about me.  I’m not sure.

But that’s okay.  In fact, it’s great! I want you to know me!

However, if you are looking at my Blog and checking me out, know that I am SO much more than these words.

If you are reading, I hope you see this.  If you took a look and don’t come back? I’ll be so mad of not thinking of this sooner!

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How can you tell your ADD is getting worse when you already have it!

How can you tell your ADD is COMPLETELY spinning out of control when you can’t tell it’s getting worse because you already have it and it’s even worse now because it’s already spinning out of control and you also can’t tell because it makes you write run on sentences just like you would speak but you wouldn’t know you’re speaking that way because you can’t tell your ADD is spinning so out of control and taking you with it but you don’t know that!

I’d normally start panting, gasping for air, but I actually found a little gem from all of that.  MY ADD IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL AND TAKING MY WHOLE LIFE WITH IT!!!

Not a lie: at its peak, I’ll be doing something for 10 minutes, then I’ll go off and do something else for 10 minutes, then I might return to the first thing I was doing for another 10 minutes or I’ll wander off and do something else for 10 minutes, after that, 10 minutes later…

Sorry for another run on.  I was too busy flitting around every 10 minutes doing who knows what, and I couldn’t remember where I left off writing this Post.

I need to build one of those “Cast of Characters” Pages.  There are a lot of them floating around here. 

For old and new readers alike, it would probably simplify things.  And everyone might get some giggles.  There was one I was really stuck on (and kind of still am) for a name.  I just don’t want it to be verboten in the trigger area.  I guess I could say that.

Was that too bad for an ADD tangent? At least a piece or two is relevant there.

I had to stop seeing Merlin #1 so I was referred to hopefully, a Merlin #3.  I think Dr. Asshole had already started me on Concerta at that time.

Yes.  He did.

Merlin #2 and I decided I needed a titration of my 36mg of Concerta as I was still having problems.  I think this was back when titrations for Concerta were extremely ridiculous.

As in, “Big Pharma, you are so insane.  YOU need the medication more than you provide for the sick! YOU ARE SICK!!! I hate you from head to toe! But I can’t.  I need your medication.”

People, that’s one of my biggest love/hate relationships with Big Pharma.

Continuing.  Back then, I think you went from 36mg to 57mg.  Wot??? They’ve evened it out now, but I’m tiny! Even though I had NO side effects, I did agree that was too much.

So, we switched to Biphentin.  Some of you might not know this ADD medication.  Certainly in the U.S. because a very good website doesn’t even list it.  And, it’s a U.S. based depository.

However, for the drugs that are listed, it does give you a decent bit of pharmacology and chemistry as to how they work.  If you can grasp that, it’s a pretty good bonus for a patient driven site.

It doesn’t go as far as listing DINs (Drug Identification Numbers.)  Those are more for Pharmacists, Physicians and Medical Coverage (when required.) 

A DIN you might say? Oh, I laughed so much when I first looked at the depository for all of those! Every pill and every dose for a drug currently in existence has a separate one.  A lot of numbers.

Back to Concerta and my Biphentin.  Biphentin is Concerta.  Pharmacologically, few tweaks, different method of delivery, but the main point for me was an even 10mg titration up to 80mg.

We might have a Merlin #3 entering the picture.  I’ve had several discussions with Merlin #1 (hopefully I can back to him as my primary) and he has another colleague who will increase my Biphentin.

I think we’re good to go.

NOTE: on my blog I offer and direct readers to sites that I do not endorse. I have been speaking of one heavily here re: medical information forpublishede.  I will not mention it here should this Post end up being published elsewhere.  Please email me if you would like more information.


First, I’d like to say a MASSIVE “THANK YOU!” to all of the new people–and all the others–the “old?.” *laughing*

But thank you so much for all of your new Blog Follows, your Post Likes, and Twitter Follows as well.  I am not boasting or trying to sound vain.  I never do that.  Unless I’m writing so crazily (or not?) about something, it might come across that way.

The point I’m trying to make, is that there have been so many of you.  I can’t keep track! My Inbox can get flooded and I can’t check all of you out! I want to, but on the mental market? I’m not the latest cyborg for sale.  I’m used and a refurb where the Techs didn’t do such a good job.

So I’m sorry for that.  However, I do have everything neatly organized and filed.  I can find all of you, so when I get… *sighs*

My blog sucks, as of late too.  I have a theory about all of you new people; why you’re flying all around my head, then eventually landing straight on it!

NOTE: I am in no way comparing my New Followers like any annoying insects.

My theory is, you are stumbling upon Posts from the past.  You read them, and think, “Hey! This chick’s really groovy ‘n keen ‘n lots of other ‘n stuff.   Or ‘n AWESOME one! This chick’s really out there ‘n I have no clue what sort of person but I’m kind of confused ‘n scared ‘n so curious ‘n at the same time…”

You latter folks are the bravest of all.  It’s like a, dare in your mind to nail me on my Blog, upcoming Posts and new Twitter jazz.

As far as Posts from the past, and how many of you “old guys” are perhaps still around?

I know I put a lot of you through a lot of shit! I know people have given me online defenestrations! I probably deserved it.  Then, there are all of those who have done the same–I just haven’t known about it.  Anonymous Defenestration! 

Me being tardy? My MacBook is totally screwed, so I just tried to replace some things on my Sidebar. Then, for some reason all of my months of blogging became a list!

That proves it.  A little tardy but this blog’s been up for eight years.

Supreme Insanity.

I’ll still keep blogging though.  In doing that?

Beyond Supreme Insanity.


I’ve been seeing a Counsellor from a Hospital for a bit now. Neither of us knew why.  She didn’t know who referred me and I had no clue either.

She just called me on the phone in a quandary asking if this was: “My Name.” I said: “Yes.” She then followed: “Do you know why I’m calling you?” To which my response was: “No!”

This gal is awesome! After that very brief introduction to each other, we were both, “What the hell, and who are they? I’ve never heard of them! Wanna meet anyway?”

Sure.

So we sat and chat and laughed and I can’t find a word that rhymes with that.  Daft? Considering the above, that would fit?

Tomorrow, I am going to “fill out some paperwork.”  Okay.  For what, I have no idea.  I guess someone out there to do with this Organization she works for, is gonna get me help me to…?

…somehow get, or somewhat, or some kinda way of getting mountains of shit sorted out in my life.

Whether that’s actually possible I seriously ponder.  Quite seriously.  Extremely.  Yeah, you get it.

Okay, we’ll have a happy appointment tomorrow, and see what I get served on a paper Silver paper Platter?


Think about it.  Everything you’ve done in your life? You’ve had to work at it.  For it. Sometimes your work doesn’t pay off.  You don’t get what you want or where you want to be, to go.  Trust me.

I’ve failed at so many things I can’t even count them.  But did I “fail?” I’m starting to question that these days.  Regrets or none? Bad choices or simply choices at the time? No matter how much work I put into so many things…there is no explanation at all where I didn’t get what I wanted, where I wanted to be.  Just anything.

Sometimes if I didn’t have to put any work into things at all: “Hey! Mom! Dad! Look at this book! It’s amazing and you know what? When I was reading it, I found…”

But that’s not all of us.  Not the Gen. Pop.  We all work and strive for…? And what is the outcome? Moreover, if you don’t get it, how do you see or view those that DO get it.  They did.  They did.  Not me. Not me.

That’s a tough one for a lot all of us.  Please.  Let’s be honest here. I certainly will.  I like to profess I am so High and Mighty that I profess no envy or jealousy BUT COME ON! Will any of you tell me under these circumstances you have NOT felt these emotions? Or something akin? Ever?

If so? I don’t believe you.  There.  Now I have also admitted I am judgmental (within this context.)

Everybody wants.  Sometimes we get.  Sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we never get (but we really do.)

Maybe everybody gets. But they don’t. Look around.  Take stock.  It might take you a while.  It might take you your entire life! But you did something and it was easy.  You just have to find out what it was, if it’s not immediately in front of your eyes.

If you see something you wanted, you got, where you ended up that was so easy? Keep digging.  There were other things too.

What a Pollyanna Post, huh? No.

That’s why I always like to give some personal examples.

I never finished my BA.  We all called the Degree “Bugger All” anyway because it was basically useless in securing you employment.

But I bloody well resent the fact that I didn’t do it! I dream of having my Ph.D. and wandering the Hallowed Halls of Academia (despite the fact that becoming a professor and staying one at a University is just like only have a BA.)

The whole problem with my “Degree Thing” was a battle between my Bipolar and ADD.  I always say the Bipolar won, but reflecting upon the whole disaster, I think it was a tie.

I have an amazing Therapist who finishes my sentences for me. *laughing*

After a couple of years or so of being bedridden with what was looking like intractable epilepsy? My goddamn seizures have actually been sent to Hades, and I’m diving into Physio to get into Martial Arts! Aces High!

I’VE ACTUALLY SECURED GALLERY SPACE BEFORE A PHOTOGRAPHY SHOWING.  Do you know how ridiculous that is for any artist? It’s totally bass-ackwards! Artists have their work ready to go and then securing space to show? AND SELL? I’d be happy if someone bought one of my photographs for a dollar.

I found a group where I can possibly get my French back. *swoons*  Holy shit.  If I could learn to speak French again after so many years of never using it? What a dream. Are those enough examples? I hope so.

I’m doing my laundry and I’m really tired.  That’s not so easy either.


I AM SERIOUS! SHOULD I WRITE EVERYTHING IN UPPER CAPS?

No, really.  I mentioned in my last Post, blah, blah, blah…the changes to the Addiction Program and the final step of three weeks staying Inpatient in Happy Hospital.  If I could get on the Happy Hospital Bus right now, I’d jump as high as could to get on it!

Of course I was drinking before break up business tonight.  That’s a given.  For a lot of people.  Break ups stink so lots of people drink! So no brainer with me being an alcoholic.

Now I’m “experimenting” with what would happen, and how might Extended Release ADD Meds would work as Coke.  Or a Party Drug or whatever.  That would be more like an Immediate Release type of ADD Med.

Holy shit.  Am I really giving advice on how to get high from your script meds? Pardon the irresponsible addict who really doesn’t give a shit right now.

PSA: Kids and adults, don’t do this at home or in a cab or at a rave or in a public library or while painting your apartment or while shopping for a car or shopping period.  Don’t do it if you’re a woman when you get your period.

I could continue for years but the only place that’s okay to do it, is on the street.

MoFoHoPro on that street, I need want need want need…yeah, you get it.  A DRINK!!!

So back to the ADD/Coke “experiment.”  Easy for me as I take Biphentin.  It’s a capsule with tiny little balls in it.  Swallow? Snort?

My findings?

Joke’s on you!!! I HAVE ADD!!! I can’t get all whacked out on stims and Coke or whatever! I’m already on stims.  If ingest Coke or any stimulants (like more ADD meds?) the only thing that happens is my mind becomes a bit sharper, and I can focus more while everybody else is getting whooped to the ceiling fan.

So AD(H)D Kids and Adults? Don’t bother trying.  Unless your AD(H)D brain actually gets off on the stuff.  Use as you choose–however, at your very dangerous peril.

DON’T FUCK WITH YER MEDS!!!


Hi.  Do whatever you want with your Livers or mine.  Mine’s up to me.  And mine?

I blew a week of sobriety tonight.  And Outpatient Group is tomorrow.

I’m still sitting in the bar where at one (recent) point I was drinking (now?) such heavy amounts of alcohol every day.  

Cheese and Rice! I’m so altered, I have my Senns on but I haven’t pumped up iTunes!

Y’see? Okay.  iTunes.  Goth.

Why am I drinking after that week was so goddamn easy? It was!!!

Work in my apartment that took hours.  My neighbourhood? Exactly the title of the song I’m listening to right now: “Wasteland” (by The Mission UK.”)  There’s nothing here.

Except a Public Library.  But the work was done too late.  Closed.  Only one place to go.  Three to four hours to wait to go home…where I drink…all the time…and recently every day, or if it was closed, a place across the street.

I brought books, notebooks to write…summon the muse…let her summon you…

Within a half hour hour I caved.  But it’s worse.  While I’m typing this to you? I went home.  I smelled my apartment and felt so sick that I was going to be fumigated too…fucking bedbugs…I opened the window, grabbed baby MacBook and headed right back to the pub.

Now I’m over limit.

I’d rather drink until I fall down…that would take?…well, I’ve had four double Vodkas Neat (i.e. no ice, soda or any of that shit–it’s a sipping drink like whisky.)  So eight drinks? That’s past my limit (limit=three.)  Fuck it.

Genetics.  But as a teenager, always the “good girl.”  Sure, the “initiation” to drinking alcohol for the first time, your first hangover.  You’re a total joke when you look back on yourself.

Enter Bipolar.  Not even knowing I was for about seven years? I could drink most men under the table.  I’m not joking.  That’s why I can sit here and and write a blog post to you.  All calm, treated…no, no…my meds are perfect.  Actually, I mean that.  After SO many years, my cocktail is perfect *takes last ounce of vodka as a shot and heads to bar*

Two more shots=drinks etc. yeah, okay, whatever.  And I’m still here writing.  Does it make sense to you? Still? Maybe it never did from the start.  That’s okay.  It never made any sense to me from the start.

Those years.  Seven? Party.  Go out for lunch with colleagues, then do the same after work.  Alcohol was always downed and drowned.  The first thing out of the mouth I heard when I one of new Manager: “I don’t trust people who don’t drink.”

I partied with friends too.  A wonderful friend always said to me, “It sure helps to sleep fast, doesn’t it, PA?” That was during the Fet. Scene but I drank every day, every night.

There were casualties.  Far too many.

I don’t even know if I was one of them.  If so, surely a lesser one.  That’s how I see it anyway.

Cheers.  And a good song running through my Senns…

“But Not Tonight” by Depeche Mode.

When you AD(H)D Stims kick in hard if they’re the right ones or if they’re going to work at all.  I took my first dose of (then) Concerta and I couldn’t believe it! I had a jaunty little step as this song came up on my iPod (perfect?) and I cried.