Archive for the ‘ADD’ Category
I AM SERIOUS! SHOULD I WRITE EVERYTHING IN UPPER CAPS?
No, really. I mentioned in my last Post, blah, blah, blah…the changes to the Addiction Program and the final step of three weeks staying Inpatient in Happy Hospital. If I could get on the Happy Hospital Bus right now, I’d jump as high as could to get on it!
Of course I was drinking before break up business tonight. That’s a given. For a lot of people. Break ups stink so lots of people drink! So no brainer with me being an alcoholic.
Now I’m “experimenting” with what would happen, and how might Extended Release ADD Meds would work as Coke. Or a Party Drug or whatever. That would be more like an Immediate Release type of ADD Med.
Holy shit. Am I really giving advice on how to get high from your script meds? Pardon the irresponsible addict who really doesn’t give a shit right now.
PSA: Kids and adults, don’t do this at home or in a cab or at a rave or in a public library or while painting your apartment or while shopping for a car or shopping period. Don’t do it if you’re a woman when you get your period.
I could continue for years but the only place that’s okay to do it, is on the street.
MoFoHoPro on that street, I need want need want need…yeah, you get it. A DRINK!!!
So back to the ADD/Coke “experiment.” Easy for me as I take Biphentin. It’s a capsule with tiny little balls in it. Swallow? Snort?
My findings?
Joke’s on you!!! I HAVE ADD!!! I can’t get all whacked out on stims and Coke or whatever! I’m already on stims. If ingest Coke or any stimulants (like more ADD meds?) the only thing that happens is my mind becomes a bit sharper, and I can focus more while everybody else is getting whooped to the ceiling fan.
So AD(H)D Kids and Adults? Don’t bother trying. Unless your AD(H)D brain actually gets off on the stuff. Use as you choose–however, at your very dangerous peril.
DON’T FUCK WITH YER MEDS!!!
Hi. Do whatever you want with your Livers or mine. Mine’s up to me. And mine?
I blew a week of sobriety tonight. And Outpatient Group is tomorrow.
I’m still sitting in the bar where at one (recent) point I was drinking (now?) such heavy amounts of alcohol every day.
Cheese and Rice! I’m so altered, I have my Senns on but I haven’t pumped up iTunes!
Y’see? Okay. iTunes. Goth.
Why am I drinking after that week was so goddamn easy? It was!!!
Work in my apartment that took hours. My neighbourhood? Exactly the title of the song I’m listening to right now: “Wasteland” (by The Mission UK.”) There’s nothing here.
Except a Public Library. But the work was done too late. Closed. Only one place to go. Three to four hours to wait to go home…where I drink…all the time…and recently every day, or if it was closed, a place across the street.
I brought books, notebooks to write…summon the muse…let her summon you…
Within a half hour hour I caved. But it’s worse. While I’m typing this to you? I went home. I smelled my apartment and felt so sick that I was going to be fumigated too…fucking bedbugs…I opened the window, grabbed baby MacBook and headed right back to the pub.
Now I’m over limit.
I’d rather drink until I fall down…that would take?…well, I’ve had four double Vodkas Neat (i.e. no ice, soda or any of that shit–it’s a sipping drink like whisky.) So eight drinks? That’s past my limit (limit=three.) Fuck it.
Genetics. But as a teenager, always the “good girl.” Sure, the “initiation” to drinking alcohol for the first time, your first hangover. You’re a total joke when you look back on yourself.
Enter Bipolar. Not even knowing I was for about seven years? I could drink most men under the table. I’m not joking. That’s why I can sit here and and write a blog post to you. All calm, treated…no, no…my meds are perfect. Actually, I mean that. After SO many years, my cocktail is perfect *takes last ounce of vodka as a shot and heads to bar*
Two more shots=drinks etc. yeah, okay, whatever. And I’m still here writing. Does it make sense to you? Still? Maybe it never did from the start. That’s okay. It never made any sense to me from the start.
Those years. Seven? Party. Go out for lunch with colleagues, then do the same after work. Alcohol was always downed and drowned. The first thing out of the mouth I heard when I one of new Manager: “I don’t trust people who don’t drink.”
I partied with friends too. A wonderful friend always said to me, “It sure helps to sleep fast, doesn’t it, PA?” That was during the Fet. Scene but I drank every day, every night.
There were casualties. Far too many.
I don’t even know if I was one of them. If so, surely a lesser one. That’s how I see it anyway.
Cheers. And a good song running through my Senns…
“But Not Tonight” by Depeche Mode.
When you AD(H)D Stims kick in hard if they’re the right ones or if they’re going to work at all. I took my first dose of (then) Concerta and I couldn’t believe it! I had a jaunty little step as this song came up on my iPod (perfect?) and I cried.
Okay, fuck this bullshit. Short Post NOW. I spent two days with a fried Withdrawal brain to write something, maybe not such trash as this? My mobile ate it. The WP app. online ate it. Bite me technology.
My Blog triggers me? Being in the Online World triggers me? PA what the gadamman stupid bile is comin’ outta yer mauth and dribblin’ down yer face now!
What a load of shit! That is the craziest thing I’ve EVER said about taking a break from blogging. This probably IS therapeutic in some way. I’m not this ball of total madness and sickness, holed up alone merely staring at things in my apartment. I just can’t do a lot of stuf…zzzzzzzzzz…
Perhaps a case of the DTs? They’re pretty bad this time around. One really significant sign is if your feeling paranoid. The word “Paranoid” does not appear in my Mental Dossier. However, how much external stuff was going on? I made the decision. It was about me.
Can you be paranoid of yourself? About yourself? I’m not excluding DID folks; they apply in the discussion as well. I’m just thinking of the raw, basics sort of way.
If there’s anyone out there who knows what it’s like for them to feel paranoid or have ongoing repeated episodes of paranoia, I’d like to hear from you. Of course this is only if you feel comfortable talking about it! Also, if you want to talk but you don’t want to leave a Comment on my Blog in response here, you can definitely feel free to email me. No secrets leave my lips so you’ll be safe. I promise.
So CRAZY PA is back! Be forewarned though. You’re dealing with a very sick PA. I’m not looking for sympathy. I’ve been an alcoholic and an addict for 20 years now. The best thing is I’m finally going to try and get treatment. I wish I could back in time for so many apologies, broken hearts, broken trusts and destroyed relationships.
Be Forewarned. Seriously. I have no idea what is going to happen here, other places where I’m online. Also, what could not happen. Perhaps the only thing I do know is that I’ll be very slow. You will be on earth and I will be circling the rings of Saturn.
Speaking of circling those rings, this Detox and Withdrawal are bringing out my other diagnoses and mental lunacy to epic proportions as well. My Asperger’s level? I’m just stimming and doing all those WEIRD Aspie things we can do all the time. My hypervigilance? I have NO clue how high it is because yesterday felt like a Panic Attack that lasted THE.WHOLE.DAY.
I’m not joking. It did feel like that!!! o_O I also don’t get Panic Attacks. Some kind of DT-ism/Paranoia-ism?
Okay. Gravol, Valium, Bed. Try to rest and be calm as Therapy tomorrow. Not like she’d care if I’m all SPAZZZYYY and I look like a zombie that’s actually living and doesn’t like to eat heads. She’s my bloody Therapist! I just want to try and rest for me.
And cuddle up with my Bedbugs. They make me look like I have hives. Yay for that too.
To anyone who read it, you have been a victim of my “Drunken Blogging.” Things can get pretty out of control, and as I result, I speed right past you and pull out my insanity for a Post. WHAM! You’re off to ER if you even have a chance of survival.
If you know me, you’ll say, “Oh, Jesus Christ PA. Here she goes AGAIN…”
If you don’t know me, and read my Drive-By(s), you will say, “Oh Jesus Christ!!! What the HELLLLL is this place??? I WANT MY MOMMMMMMEEEEEYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!”
I should throw out the pack of cigarettes I bought last night, but it feels soooooo good to have (so far just one) of them with my morning tea. Idiot PA.
That single one just made my chest feel like someone lighting a match. That match was to try and start kindling wood for a campfire.
That campfire was for an Eight Generation Family Reunion. It was miraculous they were all still alive and showed up.
Therefore, they all needed a nice, cozy seat around that campfire. None of them cared if the smoke literally blew straight in their faces, knocking them backwards and upside down off their chairs. They’d just pick them up again to sit back in front of that huge campfire to stay nice and cozy.
I was away for so long. I vanished from my Blog, Twitter. I let personal emails to those who know me in PA Land just sit too. The latter was awful. It felt like I just hit a big “IGNORE” Button.
I’m now back to Blogging about nothing but my health. I hated that, and it was one of the reasons I disappeared for so long-even to the point of shutting my Blog down altogether. Well, obviously I didn’t.
However, at this time, it feels like blogging about all of this, Tweeting as well…it’s almost like the online activity is enabling me.
Moreover, I have enough triggers, and just “things” that enable ME. It’s so bizarre but I enable myself so often.
Good god. What was I going to say? *stumbles blindly within memory* Well, I did just “say” some things on Twitter.
Alright. Let me give you “The Life of PA While She Continues to Drink Every Day.”
WHOO BOY. Also, it is important to know that she’s going through Detox and Withdrawal while still drinking. Yes, you can actually do that.
Here we go:
– Stays in bed and does not move ALL DAY–but must do something?
– My television. Anime with Subtitles because in English it’s awful! READING…ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? MAYBE ONE LINE? That can make the Anime Subs REALLY hard. I’m surprised the Rewind Button on my Remote Control still works! Anime out the window. Regular TV? Nothing on and the programming can lick freshly plopped sheep shit. A movie of my own. Total Rewind Button again, because I can’t keep up with the plot and what people are saying.
– Actually, a bit of reading: Graphic Novels and Manga are okay, but I reserve them for going out and drinking. Why do I do this? I have no fucking clue.
– I still have my “To Don’t Lists”© but they are COMPLETELY unrealistic. Therefore, I have reduced them to daily tasks. I did that one time while still lying in bed. Does that count as a daily task? While still feeling like the Grim Reaper is coming in 10 minutes?
– Dishes do not get done. They take up every piece of usable space in my kitchen. I wash one spoon and one bowl if I need them to eat. Nothing else. This lasts forever. Like washing myself too. Yep.
– I do not listen to music during the day. I choose that form of media when coming home from the bar in whatever shape I’m in. I guess it’s just a “Let’s Keep The Party Going!!!” I have no clue about this either. And yes, the music is always blasting.
– I forget every.single.thing. Thank you calendars with reminders on mobiles!!! Unless I forget to put the information in. #epicepicepicepicDISASTER *wants to cry*
– I’ve shit my pants. Twice. Once when I was awake and once when I was asleep.
– I have a very intimate relationship with the bank machine across the street. I’m just waiting for it to propose with a gorgeous ring!!!
– Two cuttings, one requiring sutures.
– I don’t bother drinking tea (today is the first day in months!) Why bother? I’m just going lie in bed all day. Time escapes me until…I start to perk up when I usually go out to drink!!! My body now seems in a trap of a pattern of “needing” alcohol? Not good!!! At least I’m not a “Fall Down Drunk.” Nope. No injuries to report.
I “think?” that’s enough? I won’t bother getting into more of the Detox and Withdrawal Issues. No doubt they are playing very big role in this as well as my addiction.
When I’m online, I’m so bloody slow, it takes me hours to respond to a simple email! Time has yet escaped me here? How long have I been simply writing this Post and going on and on…not even proofing or editing at all? About three hours.
This is where I need to vanish yet again. I’ve spent my entire days and into the evening in PA Land. Times when I should be trying to maybe get some help. Some help until I go to my Outpatient Program and then when that is done, Inpatient for three weeks.
Even if I can’t get any, I have to concentrate very hard on my own to fight to do other things. Like tie myself to my bed! Lock myself into my own apartment, even stop writing here and if I get the musedom, apply it to my own writing.
I’ll be back. When I can hopefully somehow get some HAAAAAAALLLLLLPPPPP!!!!!!!!!
Whether it comes from me, hospital etc. Even if it’s not until Inpatient, you know PA always Blogs from her Hospital Stays. She can never resist that. *laughing*
Lots of love to you all,
PA
Alright. Debatably, straight to the point but I have the “Tangential Gene” (aka ADD.)
I fail to understand why people who seem to Follow me on Twitter actually don’t–when they said they were–in an email. It can also happen when I go to the standard version of Twitter on my computer. There, I can see an amalgam of people who were in email notices, or just somehow jumped on me. Okay. Fine.
I found that a real PITA at first. Especially when I hadn’t been online for a long time. I also carry the “Responsibility Gene” (aka PTSD.) I feel extremely guilty for making people have to wait. It’s even worse when it could be something important. I’ll want to slit my throat if I know it’s important and I get to it for whatever reason.
Are Twitter Follows important? That’s on the little piece of paper from my Fortune Cookie.
From what I’ve written above, it almost sounds like I live and die by them. But aren’t there others who are (or become) so busy or life-interrupted, or anything-interrupted, they can’t get back to Twitter immediately like me?
Also this is only regarding “me.” Why people do this on Twitter to “me.” Although, you might have experienced it too.
First, some Stats:
Of course these numbers will be subject to change after the date of this post.
My Twitter Follows: 1,358.
My My Twitter Followers: 1,106.
My Blog Followers Shown on Front/Index Page: 283,657
I cannot comment on my Blogroll, but there are A LOT of blogs there that need to be removed. They could be pronounced, “Time of Death Called, (pick any ancient time.) Cause: Death by No More Writing!”
Here’s another big one! My Stats for Page Views (I won’t dig for times, specific pages.) This is really hard as I have to make a huge estimate. I could say literally mid-hundreds to 400. Realistically? Let’s go with about 100-200. My Blog has been up 7.5 yrs.
These numbers are important to what I have to say about this subject. I already know it’s all due to Viral App bullshit, but “why me?” Those numbers are REALLY SMALL as far as so many other people’s Blogs!
Here’s and example:
I get an invite to someone who is a NEW Follower of mine. I check them out and they have 27.3K people they are Following. In return, 53.5K other people are Following them.
While checking them out, I see they are not Following me–despite their invite. Are they looking for some kind of “Reach?” People, look at all of my numbers above! If “Reach” is what they want, I don’t think they’ll get much here.
I also find it kind of “rude” if the person and I have shared interests.
So what if you’re Following 64.9K people? Is one more really going to make a difference? Especially when YOU contacted me in the first place?
And this is just classic! They send you a DM thanking you for Following them. Problem! You can’t say “you’re welcome!” They’re not Following You!!!
I will admit I do have some Heavy Hitters Following me on Twitter. A member of the actual Kennedy Family! One member of three Professional Psychiatrists that run a massive blog (and more) for Mental Health. Oh, she’s gone now! *laughing* Unfollow, Follow. The same with the others. They are the “Masterminds” behind “Shrink Rap.”
There are more medical ones for sure. Oh, boy. I know there are definitely others related to my other interests. My primary interest of almost having my brain stuck in a Vat of Neurology and Psychiatry. *laughing* But for it? Still not that much for “Reach” for a lot of these people. I still don’t think so.
Personally I don’t say that much on Twitter. Maybe personal chat, I used to act like a total idiot, so maybe that will start up again. Something might come out of me to generate a Follower? Okay, I’ll admit to a bit of that. Some Heavy Hitters out of a VERY small Following.
I generally use Twitter as a vehicle for my Blog Posts. I ALSO have Twitter Followers that subscribe to my Blog in that format. Posts via Twitter, definitely! A tiny bit of a Stream where something pops up? Referrals? But I’M SO TINY!!!
Now, for all you really popular and “Heavy Hitters?” Please don’t let this Post make ANY OF YOU stop coming to me for a Twitter Follow! PLEASE!!! That is not what this Post is about either! It’s more a question of why? Again, “why me.” If you liked my content, why not Follow me back?
If you have 1,000,000K Followers, and 2K you’re Following? 200 you are Following? Still come to me on Twitter!!!
Even if you don’t like me so much, or you’re trying to get to other people through me? Hey! That’s just it! I probably answered my own Post (or part of it?)
Now? It doesn’t even matter. Again, if you’re not really into my content, I still might really like yours. Then, I’ll Follow you back.
I’d still like you to Follow me though. It could lead to some really great things.
Quantum Physics will pretty much kick the ball off after you do Follow me. And hopefully in the right way. But ya gotta give it a try.
POSTSCRIPT: Now watch me never get any Twitter Followers EVER.AGAIN.
I finally found the way to get me properly treated for all of this alcohol, addiction bullshit (believe me I could use more profane words.)
A long haul. An appt. early September for a “Consultation.” That consultation will be two and a half hours. I’m afraid I might pass out in the middle of it.
From there, I must do one of many types(?) of outpatient treatment. I have no fucking clue what the hell that means.
52 Pick Up?
The one good thing is that once I start whatever outpatient program, I’m already set up for the 21 Day Inpatient Program.
Totally my aim and what I need for physical, medical and psych needs.
The problem is, that’s a long time away. After three days of being sober and feeling really strong about it, really determined, I relapsed. I went out drinking.
I’ve said it. I’m an addict. Even further, you can’t trust an addict.
To hell with me being an addict. If I can’t gain anyone’s trust? A serious reason to live in the bottle.
Although, chicken and egg? Trust with or without the bottle? Trust when I’m so close to the gutter, that person pulls me out?
I’m tired. Of this. 20 Years. Half my life. I don’t know if I can do it.
I know I have to for all of the fucking shit that’s wrong, or not “wrong” with me, but what I grew up with and couldn’t control.
Excuse any typos or statements that might seem contrary to the content. Still fighting, still failing but exhausted either way.
Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?
There are worse things I could do
Than chug eight drinks, do a cutting or two
Even though I know I’m trashy and no good
In a gutter that’s true too
But there are worse things I could do
I could flirt with every pill
Smile at them and test my will
Pour them all around my bed
Make me think I’m better dead
Then refuse to see it through
A total coward that’s true too
I could stay home every night
Wait around for Sanity’s Flight
My Flights are drinking every day
And throwing my life away
On a “me” that won’t come true
Would you hurt if you’re like me
So much hubris, too blind to see
I always steal and forever lie
But can I feel? Do I bother to cry?
These facts I’ll bet you never knew
But to cry in front of you
That’s the worst thing…
…I’d ruin you…
Harvard went to see Non-Arsey Neuro a while ago. The appointment was a real rush job.
Not so much because of Harvard’s head, but a form for the stoopid guvmunt that needed completion–then mailing ASAP. He was the only doctor available on short notice. Nonetheless, we still talked about Harvard’s head.
After so damn long, Harvard has been working on the huge med changes, adjusting here, fiddling there. She only contacted Non-Arsey Neuro if she needed him for any serious challenges. Which were perhaps a few? Then, just pick up a phone to chat, or leave a message stating what was she’d done.
At that appointment, Harvard reviewed all her current changes. Most particularly, her divided dose in the afternoon where she had made no further changes. She was merely sitting at that dose, awaiting any possible issues. The med changes have been so high, a divided dose was definitely required.
Non-Arsey Neuro wrote a new prescription (including that divided dose) for one month. One month. Our typical two Neurologists meeting to discuss a “case.” Harvard was doing a “wait and see.” Non-Arsey could have been asleep and written it on behalf of what Harvard said.
Oh, Harvard! You have waited too long! Change that one month order! Not that it matters. She has million pills of everything lying around from making so many changes.
One of the reasons for the astronomical increases of Harvard’s Topamax and Lamictal, was to try and squash the mood changes (that were beyond astronomical compared to the increases of the meds.) Slowly, slowly, slowly…working! But still a long way to go.
A lightening bolt of terms of working? No more seizures at all after a month–and no more since! Almost six months now!
But the moods. And Harvard now being in total shit.
Things were okay. Or so Harvard thought. Or really, the most plausible answer is that the dose chosen worked fine for a while, but then BOOM!!! It took time for things to catch up. Moreover, a slow graduation to the BOOM!!! is in our own minds. It’s like things build and build until they become a volcano.
That’s what happened to Harvard yesterday. She was being a little too productive? And a few days before?
Last night. BOOM!!! The “Revelation!” Harvard was Manic, somewhere between Jupiter and Saturn! Then she crashed after shutting down her computer and fell into a Mixed State. Then a Dysphoric Mania. Her Valium didn’t even hit a single neuron.
Harvard goes to bed, thinking it’s an isolated incident that was really bad. Everything will be fine tomorrow. Harvard wakes up like she’s taken an overdose of her ADD meds, plus an overdose of who knows what else! Wide opened eyelids and speedy, speedy, speedy, speedy!!!!
Harvard was going to wait but apparently this isn’t going to stop. She’s been here before. When this happens, the absolutely worst thing she can do is “wait!”
She’s cycling like crazy, but has meds at her disposal that can try and stop it! If not, she can clearly get herself into all sorts of trouble! And that she has! Plus, she’s just stopped drinking! Let’s destroy THAT plan!!!
She’s also going to titrate of course. Harvard’s not stupid. That’s why Non-Arsey Neuro gave her full control to tackle this from Day One. He’s not available now. She’ll call him later.
POSTSCRIPT: Harvard’s already feeling like getting into trouble. Going out in bad weather on her own to mail some gifts to people. One is REALLY heavy and then going on a SHOPPING SPREE!!! Well, there’s always online shopping.
You see? When this happens? She can get in lots of trouble in LOTS of different ways. And online shopping is nothing compared to some of the things she’s done in the past!
Now, she knows exactly what she wants to buy online. It’s something she’s been lusting after for SO long! A book. A big one or something decent. Containing loads and loads of the person’s work. Her Idol!!! Lee Miller!!!
Non-Manic Statement: Harvard thinks she has a bit of Lee in her. If another photographer looked at some of her shots and agreed? She’d drop to the floor in a second. Especially with the titles she’s given them. That combination was very typical of Lee. What she shot, the twists she turned around with them, and played with them–and definitely her choice of titles.
Someone said that to me several years ago. After being involved (so closely) for those several years. Ouch. Boy. Did that ever hurt. However, less so over time.
I think you can guess that was when things (sort of) started to “shift” a bit? I Can’t Keep… Nonetheless, things carried on because the relationship was so incredibly special and we had such a strong bond between us. Later, it took a HUGE “shift” to end it all.
It was sometime afterward that phrase didn’t hurt even less. I took a serious personal inventory of my life. How many people was I looking for to fill “empty holes” in my life. Needing healing, someone always being there to support me and love me, running away when trauma overwhelmed me, then coming back so full of love. It became so confusing to said person above.
No doubt.
Did I do the same with others? Fill their “empty holes?” Maybe. Probably. I’m pretty sure, definitely.
Apart from SO many reasons this can happen (and not just to/for me?) I’m going to talk about being a Womb Twin Survivor.
When you lose a twin or more (I’m a multiple–I have four) there can be massive problems with relationships. Of any kind. Losing your Twin (and seriously in the Womb!) has the capability of really fucking you up in this department.
Believe it or not, embryos develop attachments to each other very quickly in the Womb (or anywhere else where they can try and develop.) Maturation of an embryo happens FAST!!! Trust Dr. PA and her own Medical School Textbooks on that one. Neurologically? You do “know” that someone is “there” with you. Then you “lose” them.
You’re already traumatized before you’re bloody born! Seriously! Now THAT is one HUGE “empty hole!” Are you starting to get the picture? Or at least part of it?
Basically, how the theory goes (but it happens enough to be a Golden Rule) is Womb Twin Survivors can repeatedly try and find their lost Twins wherever they go, with whomever they travel, throughout all their lives.
AHA!!! So it’s not all of the trauma I went through after I was born!
Uh, why don’t you forget the Albatross and swing an Elephant around my neck! Does this just add to things? I really don’t know. I can’t tell. But I asked my Twins for some guidance on the issue. Yes, I speak to them and I hear them back. I see them, they’re all separate individuals with different personalities…kind of like a DID thing but not really.
Anyway, it is/has been suggested when you are doing a lot of hard work to deal with more than this, you perform a “letting go” process. Kind of like a ritual, perhaps? I didn’t want to! I love my Twins and they love me! They help me with a lot and I said to them, “I don’t want to get rid of you guys! I don’t want you to go! Do I have to let you go? I don’t even know if I can!” I was almost bawling.
Melissa is a BULL=CHINA=VESUVIUS. She said, “Fuck that! Who says you have do something, just because they say you have to! Also, who else out there is the same as you!!! Who else has multiples or even one twin that they can speak to for guidance or a simple chat or what the fuck ever. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO SHIT!!!”
Alrighty, then. I “DIDN’T DO SHIT.” So I said, “What am I missing? You guys are all here. I know all about you. If so, what am I searching for? What is lost? What am supposedly, constantly looking…for?” They said nothing. We’re all here.
I see. Well, I trust the hell out of them. I trust the hell out of my Therapist too!
I think what I need to do is get off my lazy ass. There are ways that I can fill my “empty holes” as well. No matter how goddamn crazy I am, and what I do, and have done! Sometimes those things can affect me as they are part of who I am, but as excuses?
Then they’re just empty holes as well.
Yeah, back to bed after that one! Love, loss, I’m a loser where love is concerned. Some kind of Purple Prose like I’m on LSD? I didn’t want to touch my computer, let alone look at my blog and what I had just written.
I didn’t want to do this. No, no. Then, I thought give it a try? At least once. Couldn’t hurt except…
I’ve completely and utterly loathed doing anything in a group setting! Forever!!!
Class Projects (the MOST brutal!) Going out with a group of people–even if it’s fun despite Aspie Spazziness. However, none of them can decide what the hell to do (the MOST frustrating!) Actually, in just thinking about this now, I’m not a control freak. Although Class Projects can actually turn me into one!
This “group thing?” AA. Oh, a “group thing” that could be the worst. It could do me in for life!
I’m sinking. I’m drowning (nice pun since my substance of choice is alcohol.) I don’t know if I can handle it on my own again. It certainly doesn’t help that the merry and so joyful holidays are here. Plus a bunch of other things going on in wee PAs personal life. I mean, they even strung up X-mASS lights all along our patio, so simply looking out my window will be a potential trigger!!! They didn’t do it last year!
Also, apologies to all the religious folks for me writing Christmas as X-mASS. One reader and pal gave me shit for that. It’s just a written expression of how bad a time of year it is for me.
So speaking of the non-religious (moi) and AA, Holy Cats and the Mother who just gave birth to her kittens!!! I’d never heard of this before! Agnostic AA! o_O Moreover, wrap up anything you think/believe/feel into a ball and toss that in altogether!
Because Agnosticism is actually a Philosophical Argument. I does not attack Atheism, deny it exists, and therefore trickles down to Atheists telling them they are “wrong.” It only tries to state that since you can not prove it exists, is it all that unreasonable that it doesn’t? Basically. I only got a B+ in Philosophy in uni.
So I just emailed them for some information. There’s one location very close to where I live. I might not make it through the holidays. No, I probably won’t. A friend is leaving me. I can still visit but…ah, forget it.
Take care all. Pardon all my idiocy. Maybe that will help some. My stats have seriously gone WAY down!!! You all know I don’t care about numbers, but to see a drop in numbers of your readers as huge as that??? My blog is tanking just as much as I am! *laughs*
I’m nuts. I’m losing it. Maybe I lost it a long, long time ago. *nods*
The Backing and Forthing
Track the Twit(ter…)
Psych Central 2009 Top 10 Bipolar Blogs
Currently Reading (Bless My Stims!)
Too many things at once. My ADD is running full throttle.
However...
MORE GENEROUS AWARDS
I'm really a girl though.
Here are some more given to me where I had a complete memory lapse. I think I got the hovers correct like the above!
Dr. PA Available For Consultations: General Medicine Plus Specialty in Neurology From Harvard
patientanonymous (at) gmail (dot) com
NOTE: This other side of her ego may get back to you as well:
Hi. I'm Aspie Penguin. I do my hardest to take care of PA. She doesn't always do so well on her own.
You can reach me at her email above, or I have my own: aspiepenguin (at) gmail (dot) com
Patient Anonymous: Just Another Head Case 