Archive for the ‘Asperger’s’ Category


Well, I can try. Second night at Dad’s now. My sister and uncle just blasted into the room as she flew in from across the country. Things are now getting more and more stressful as I’m coming face to face with extended family members I kicked them out of my life (including my father in the next room.) I did so because they would give you Ebola through a simple phone call.

When I saw my sister, I started crying because I haven’t seen her a bajillion years. She was pretty cold, ambivalent maybe? Both? She did complement my shoes.

Still running on fumes. Actually had a full meal today. For dinner a Bison Burger! Welcome to Canada! You wouldn’t see that on every restaurant menu though.

Tomorrow I have to go the Funeral Home with my sister and pay for the Cremation. A financial glitch, but I would have done it anyway! She was my mother!

I’ll get reimbursed.  It will be covered by a Government Pension Mom was receiving. Of course, I know to get a Death Certificate. When dealing with Estate Laws you ALWAYS get multiple copies of Death Certificates for everything that you have to handle.

I meant to write more about my feelings and emotions. There is just so much going on. A concoction of business, chaos, miscommunication and exhaustion. It doesn’t leave much time for even the slightest pause or glimpse into one’s inner thoughts, and time to reflect upon them. Right now, I’m either the walking dead (bad pun) or functioning on a UFO’s Autopilot System.

 


That expression formally ends​with six. Someone I worked with used to say it all the time. With six. 

He’d do it out of frustration, when he’d made a mistake, when somebody was going through a hard time to help or cheer them up, and always while joking.

I never understood what the expression meant. I’d never heard it before up until that point in my life. I’d always gone along with everyone else at work. I laughed and smiled. Inside? I felt like a total goofball.

At one point, he and I were alone. I felt totally awkward and ashamed (why?) We both loved each other. A lot.

NOTE: some Asperger’s behaviour with all of this? Can you see that? Plus, a lot of my colleagues were mean. Must hide.

So, I finally asked him.

“S., what on earth does that expression mean? You’re always saying it, everybody else seems to know. What the ‘fuck’…hahaha…is it some kind Orgy Rule?” We were both in stitches when I said that.

After we both gathered composure, he told me to think about it. THINK ABOUT IT???You, little… I have thought about it! That’s why I’m asking! Doofus.

We were both in our 20’s. He was a few years younger. Since we were so close (damn near in love with each other) he enjoyed with great pleasure to tease and embarrass me while working. In front of the public! Anything to make blush. Which can happen before a hat enters a room to drop anyway.

I told him to fuck off and just answer the damn question. Otherwise, I would beat it out of him. Which would be impossible without many weapons. I’m tiny. Even though he was thin, he stood about 6’1″ To hug me, he’d almost have to pick me up. Especially if I wasn’t wearing shoes.

Anyway, for those who do not know, the expression means that you tell everyone in your life to yes, fuck off, screw themselves, go to hell etc. Except for only six people. 

Why? You need six Pallbearers to carry your Casket when you die.

I was almost on my knees, laughing so hard. I could barely breathe. It was a good thing he was right beside me so he could pick me up. I really was that close to falling. He just smirked, satisfied he’d almost made me look, once more, like a fool in front of the public.

My number two? Well, I’m wearing almost “Death Bling.” Two of the most beautiful pieces of jewelry I’ve ever seen.

A very close friend I met so long ago “gave” me his Cross. He was also a very close lapsed Catholic. I dare you to find me a bigger one. However, his Mother was extremely Devout.

She gave him his Cross when he went fully through all the Stations. Confirmed as a young boy. If she ever saw him without it, the Bible and more would hit the fan!

One night we were drinking and fooling around, being our idiot selves and I took it. I put it on, making jokes about how Catholic he was, I was the better one by not being Catholic at all!

I went home, and realized I still had it! HIS MOM!!! I called and left a voicemail. Nothing. This went on for YEARS.

Constant contact back and forth.

“Yeah, later.” ‘Okay, I’ll call you tomorrow.” “Let me send you an email in a couple of days.” “Don’t worry, I know it’s in a safe place.”

He died and I found out after the fact. What about his Cross?! It was “missing.” His Mother. Did G. tell them anything? I never got a phone call. Granted, my number is unlisted. But he knew where I lived.

Some people later told me after all those years, the constant excuses, never coming to get it, questions before dying? It meant something. What? I was totally clueless. 

They said it was because he wanted me to have it. I still didn’t understand and couldn’t grasp that concept. In fact, it still seems a bit odd to this day.

After a few years though, I think I might have figured out why. 

I knew he had ADHD roughly 10 years before I knew I had ADD! He confided in me, something he’d never told anyone else. His Mother had Mental Health Issues. And all around, I was the only person who really understood him. No words were ever said about it. I don’t think he could have put any letters together to start a sentence for it!

The cross is gold. 14K. Maybe an inch high so proportionate. It has the entire Lord’s Prayer in Relief on it!

ASIDE: Relief is a Coin Collecting Term. It means any part of a coin that is raised. The higher you can feel it, and the cleaner it is on the coin (and the cleaner the coin itself) the better Relief. Then, it is extended to all metallurgical engraving.

The second piece of jewelry is from my Nana. My Mom’s Mother. I loved it so much, even as a child. I actually became so bold when a teenager, I asked if I could have it when she died! She just laughed and said of course I could.

It is beautiful and obviously sentimental. A locket shaped as a shield. 18K. I can’t even begin to describe its complicated and intensely gorgeous engraving. 

Inside, there are two little pictures. One of her husband, my Grampa, a dashing, young man. The other, a baby picture of my Mom.

Neither of these are coming off until? Definitely not until we take care of Mom’s Estate! And probably longer. Definitely longer.


First, I’d like to say a MASSIVE “THANK YOU!” to all of the new people–and all the others–the “old?.” *laughing*

But thank you so much for all of your new Blog Follows, your Post Likes, and Twitter Follows as well.  I am not boasting or trying to sound vain.  I never do that.  Unless I’m writing so crazily (or not?) about something, it might come across that way.

The point I’m trying to make, is that there have been so many of you.  I can’t keep track! My Inbox can get flooded and I can’t check all of you out! I want to, but on the mental market? I’m not the latest cyborg for sale.  I’m used and a refurb where the Techs didn’t do such a good job.

So I’m sorry for that.  However, I do have everything neatly organized and filed.  I can find all of you, so when I get… *sighs*

My blog sucks, as of late too.  I have a theory about all of you new people; why you’re flying all around my head, then eventually landing straight on it!

NOTE: I am in no way comparing my New Followers like any annoying insects.

My theory is, you are stumbling upon Posts from the past.  You read them, and think, “Hey! This chick’s really groovy ‘n keen ‘n lots of other ‘n stuff.   Or ‘n AWESOME one! This chick’s really out there ‘n I have no clue what sort of person but I’m kind of confused ‘n scared ‘n so curious ‘n at the same time…”

You latter folks are the bravest of all.  It’s like a, dare in your mind to nail me on my Blog, upcoming Posts and new Twitter jazz.

As far as Posts from the past, and how many of you “old guys” are perhaps still around?

I know I put a lot of you through a lot of shit! I know people have given me online defenestrations! I probably deserved it.  Then, there are all of those who have done the same–I just haven’t known about it.  Anonymous Defenestration! 

Me being tardy? My MacBook is totally screwed, so I just tried to replace some things on my Sidebar. Then, for some reason all of my months of blogging became a list!

That proves it.  A little tardy but this blog’s been up for eight years.

Supreme Insanity.

I’ll still keep blogging though.  In doing that?

Beyond Supreme Insanity.


I was Tweeting that this would be the FINAL TIME.  Yes.  THE LAST TIME I would get sober.  As they say, “You can’t trust an addict?”

Well, I don’t like that phrase so much.  Just because you have an addiction doesn’t mean you can’t be trusted AT ALL.  That is sublimely ridiculous as sublimely you feel when on the high of your addiction of choice.  Maybe you can only be “untrusted” in certain ways and ONLY at certain times.

/rant (I know, that’s totally not even used anymore.)

Alright.  Some my grand idea was to post every day (if I can) what I’m going through with my Detox and Withdrawal.  Dr. PA has done this how many times?

But kids? Don’t try this at home.  Go to a proper Detox Facility.  It’s sounds hypocritical I know, but Dr. PA (even thought she is not a real doctor!) can do it safely and properly.

Tonight: I just quit drinking and not even to my normal level of alcohol intake.  I’m madly drunk.  It was half my intake.  I have smoking like a fiend.  A total chain smoker.  My “normal” smoking habits were NEVER like that! I had one cigarette left.

That sets the scene.

I’m exhausted.  I just about crashed out despite spinny head when I lied down and put my head on a pillow.  Wha?

Detox and Withdrawal makes you EXTREMELY tired.  One time I almost slept for 24 hours.  And yet, it can also give you KILLER INSOMNIA!!! One night I took my sleep meds, watched TV and then the Sunrise.  It was lovely.  I hadn’t seen the Sun poke up in its pretty colours in YEARS!

Right now I feel like I want to BARF.  Yeah.  Mega-Nausea.  Mega-DIARRHEA and/or Mega-CONSTIPATION too! Who knows? And none of it makes any sense because well…food intake can be TOTALLY DISGUSTING just at the thought of it, or you can feel completely RAVENOUS and want to eat your entire LIVING SPACE!!!

I certainly don’t want to eat right now.  Well, maybe? Oh, NO WAY! NO FOOD.

KILLER HEADACHES! I have one and no ibuprophen! Tough it out!

Am I PARANOID yet? I don’t know what Paranoia feels like.  But sometimes I feel kind of weird or weirded out.  Hard to explain.  I’ll try to do that later.  Sometimes my kitchen looks…”odd?”  It looks weird now.

DTs.  Paranoia goes with that, but I do with this Non-Arsey Neuro.  Very basic test.  Sit comfortably and stretch arms out.  Shaky? Unbalanced? Let’s check.  Oh, I am SO unbalanced! My hands look like two birds flying in the air!

Okay.  I think I need to rest.  That’s some past stuff and current, as in right now.  Hey, I always blog when in hospital so this is just a hospital for one!

HEADACHE TO BAD TO PROOFREAD: PHOTOPHOBIA!!!

Oh yes! Emotions! OMFG.  When I came home, I had an Asperger’s Mini-Meltdown.  Yay.


I’ve been seeing a Counsellor from a Hospital for a bit now. Neither of us knew why.  She didn’t know who referred me and I had no clue either.

She just called me on the phone in a quandary asking if this was: “My Name.” I said: “Yes.” She then followed: “Do you know why I’m calling you?” To which my response was: “No!”

This gal is awesome! After that very brief introduction to each other, we were both, “What the hell, and who are they? I’ve never heard of them! Wanna meet anyway?”

Sure.

So we sat and chat and laughed and I can’t find a word that rhymes with that.  Daft? Considering the above, that would fit?

Tomorrow, I am going to “fill out some paperwork.”  Okay.  For what, I have no idea.  I guess someone out there to do with this Organization she works for, is gonna get me help me to…?

…somehow get, or somewhat, or some kinda way of getting mountains of shit sorted out in my life.

Whether that’s actually possible I seriously ponder.  Quite seriously.  Extremely.  Yeah, you get it.

Okay, we’ll have a happy appointment tomorrow, and see what I get served on a paper Silver paper Platter?


Okay, fuck this bullshit.  Short Post NOW.  I spent two days with a fried Withdrawal brain to write something, maybe not such trash as this? My mobile ate it.  The WP app. online ate it.  Bite me technology.

My Blog triggers me? Being in the Online World triggers me? PA what the gadamman stupid bile is comin’ outta yer mauth and dribblin’ down yer face now!

What a load of shit! That is the craziest thing I’ve EVER said about taking a break from blogging.  This probably IS therapeutic in some way.  I’m not this ball of total madness and sickness, holed up alone merely staring at things in my apartment.  I just can’t do a lot of stuf…zzzzzzzzzz…

Perhaps a case of the DTs? They’re pretty bad this time around. One really significant sign is if your feeling paranoid.  The word “Paranoid” does not appear in my Mental Dossier.  However, how much external stuff was going on? I made the decision.  It was about me.

Can you be paranoid of yourself? About yourself? I’m not excluding DID folks; they apply in the discussion as well.  I’m just thinking of the raw, basics sort of way.

If there’s anyone out there who knows what it’s like for them to feel paranoid or have ongoing repeated episodes of paranoia, I’d like to hear from you.  Of course this is only if you feel comfortable talking about it! Also, if you want to talk but you don’t want to leave a Comment on my Blog in response here, you can definitely feel free to email me.  No secrets leave my lips so you’ll be safe.  I promise.

So CRAZY PA is back! Be forewarned though.  You’re dealing with a very sick PA.  I’m not looking for sympathy.  I’ve been an alcoholic and an addict for 20 years now.  The best thing is I’m finally going to try and get treatment.  I wish I could back in time for so many apologies, broken hearts, broken trusts and destroyed relationships.

Be Forewarned.  Seriously.  I have no idea what is going to happen here, other places where I’m online.  Also, what could not happen. Perhaps the only thing I do know is that I’ll be very slow.  You will be on earth and I will be circling the rings of Saturn.

Speaking of circling those rings,  this Detox and Withdrawal are bringing out my other diagnoses and mental lunacy to epic proportions as well.  My Asperger’s level? I’m just stimming and doing all those WEIRD Aspie things we can do all the time.  My hypervigilance? I have NO clue how high it is because yesterday felt like a Panic Attack that lasted THE.WHOLE.DAY.  

I’m not joking.  It did feel like that!!! o_O  I also don’t get Panic Attacks.  Some kind of DT-ism/Paranoia-ism?

Okay.  Gravol, Valium, Bed.  Try to rest and be calm as Therapy tomorrow.  Not like she’d care if I’m all SPAZZZYYY and I look like a zombie that’s actually living and doesn’t like to eat heads.  She’s my bloody Therapist! I just want to try and rest for me.

And cuddle up with my Bedbugs.  They make me look like I have hives.  Yay for that too.


To anyone who read it, you have been a victim of my “Drunken Blogging.”  Things can get pretty out of control, and as I result, I speed right past you and pull out my insanity for a Post. WHAM! You’re off to ER if you even have a chance of survival.

If you know me, you’ll say, “Oh, Jesus Christ PA.  Here she goes AGAIN…”

If you don’t know me, and read my Drive-By(s), you will say, “Oh Jesus Christ!!! What the HELLLLL is this place??? I WANT MY MOMMMMMMEEEEEYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!”

I should throw out the pack of cigarettes I bought last night, but it feels soooooo good to have (so far just one) of them with my morning tea.  Idiot PA.  

That single one just made my chest feel like someone lighting a match.  That match was to try and start kindling wood for a campfire.  

That campfire was for an Eight Generation Family Reunion.  It was miraculous they were all still alive and showed up.  

Therefore, they all needed a nice, cozy seat around that campfire. None of them cared if the smoke literally blew straight in their faces, knocking them backwards and upside down off their chairs. They’d just pick them up again to sit back in front of that huge campfire to stay nice and cozy.

I was away for so long.  I vanished from my Blog, Twitter.  I let personal emails to those who know me in PA Land just sit too. The latter was awful.  It felt like I just hit a big “IGNORE” Button.

I’m now back to Blogging about nothing but my health.  I hated that, and it was one of the reasons I disappeared for so long-even to the point of shutting my Blog down altogether.  Well, obviously I didn’t.

However, at this time, it feels like blogging about all of this, Tweeting as well…it’s almost like the online activity is enabling me.

Moreover, I have enough triggers, and just “things” that enable ME.  It’s so bizarre but I enable myself so often.

Good god.  What was I going to say? *stumbles blindly within memory*  Well, I did just “say” some things on Twitter.

Alright.  Let me give you “The Life of PA While She Continues to Drink Every Day.”

WHOO BOY.  Also, it is important to know that she’s going through Detox and Withdrawal while still drinking.  Yes, you can actually do that.

Here we go:

– Stays in bed and does not move ALL DAY–but must do something?

– My television.  Anime with Subtitles because in English it’s awful! READING…ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? MAYBE ONE LINE? That can make the Anime Subs REALLY hard.  I’m surprised the Rewind Button on my Remote Control still works! Anime out the window.  Regular TV? Nothing on and the programming can lick freshly plopped sheep shit.  A movie of my own.  Total Rewind Button again, because I can’t keep up with the plot and what people are saying.

– Actually, a bit of reading: Graphic Novels and Manga are okay, but I reserve them for going out and drinking. Why do I do this? I have no fucking clue.

– I still have my “To Don’t Lists”© but they are COMPLETELY unrealistic.  Therefore, I have reduced them to daily tasks.  I did that one time while still lying in bed.  Does that count as a daily task? While still feeling like the Grim Reaper is coming in 10 minutes?

– Dishes do not get done.  They take up every piece of usable space in my kitchen.  I wash one spoon and one bowl if I need them to eat.  Nothing else.  This lasts forever.  Like washing myself too.  Yep.

– I do not listen to music during the day.  I choose that form of media when coming home from the bar in whatever shape I’m in.  I guess it’s just a “Let’s Keep The Party Going!!!” I have no clue about this either.  And yes, the music is always blasting.

– I forget every.single.thing.  Thank you calendars with reminders on mobiles!!! Unless I forget to put the information in.  #epicepicepicepicDISASTER *wants to cry*

– I’ve shit my pants.  Twice.  Once when I was awake and once when I was asleep.

– I have a very intimate relationship with the bank machine across the street.  I’m just waiting for it to propose with a gorgeous ring!!!

– Two cuttings, one requiring sutures.

– I don’t bother drinking tea (today is the first day in months!) Why bother? I’m just going lie in bed all day.  Time escapes me until…I start to perk up when I usually go out to drink!!! My body now seems in a trap of a pattern of “needing” alcohol? Not good!!! At least I’m not a “Fall Down Drunk.”  Nope.  No injuries to report.

I “think?” that’s enough? I won’t bother getting into more of the Detox and Withdrawal Issues.  No doubt they are playing very big role in this as well as my addiction.

When I’m online, I’m so bloody slow, it takes me hours to respond to a simple email! Time has yet escaped me here? How long have I been simply writing this Post and going on and on…not even proofing or editing at all? About three hours.

This is where I need to vanish yet again.  I’ve spent my entire days and into the evening in PA Land.  Times when I should be trying to maybe get some help.  Some help until I go to my Outpatient Program and then when that is done, Inpatient for three weeks.

Even if I can’t get any, I have to concentrate very hard on my own to fight to do other things.  Like tie myself to my bed! Lock myself into my own apartment, even stop writing here and if I get the musedom, apply it to my own writing.

I’ll be back.  When I can hopefully somehow get some HAAAAAAALLLLLLPPPPP!!!!!!!!! 

Whether it comes from me, hospital etc.  Even if it’s not until Inpatient, you know PA always Blogs from her Hospital Stays.  She can never resist that. *laughing*

Lots of love to you all,
PA


Alright.  Debatably, straight to the point but I have the “Tangential Gene” (aka ADD.)

I fail to understand why people who seem to Follow me on Twitter actually don’t–when they said they were–in an email.  It can also happen when I go to the standard version of Twitter on my computer.  There, I can see an amalgam of people who were in email notices, or just somehow jumped on me.  Okay.  Fine.

I found that a real PITA at first.  Especially when I hadn’t been online for a long time.  I also carry the “Responsibility Gene” (aka PTSD.)  I feel extremely guilty for making people have to wait.  It’s even worse when it could be something important.  I’ll want to slit my throat if I know it’s important and I get to it for whatever reason.

Are Twitter Follows important? That’s on the little piece of paper from my Fortune Cookie.

From what I’ve written above, it almost sounds like I live and die by them.  But aren’t there others who are (or become) so busy or life-interrupted, or anything-interrupted, they can’t get back to Twitter immediately like me?

Also this is only regarding “me.”  Why people do this on Twitter to “me.”  Although, you might have experienced it too.

First, some Stats:

Of course these numbers will be subject to change after the date of this post.

My Twitter Follows: 1,358.

My My Twitter Followers: 1,106.

My Blog Followers Shown on Front/Index Page: 283,657

I cannot comment on my Blogroll, but there are A LOT of blogs there that need to be removed.  They could be pronounced, “Time of Death Called, (pick any ancient time.)  Cause: Death by No More Writing!”

Here’s another big one! My Stats for Page Views (I won’t dig for times, specific pages.)  This is really hard as I have to make a huge estimate.  I could say literally mid-hundreds to 400.  Realistically? Let’s go with about 100-200.  My Blog has been up 7.5 yrs.

These numbers are important to what I have to say about this subject.  I already know it’s all due to Viral App bullshit, but “why me?” Those numbers are REALLY SMALL as far as so many other people’s Blogs!

Here’s and example:

I get an invite to someone who is a NEW Follower of mine.  I check them out and they have 27.3K people they are Following.  In return, 53.5K other people are Following them.

While checking them out, I see they are not Following me–despite their invite.  Are they looking for some kind of “Reach?”  People, look at all of my numbers above! If “Reach” is what they want, I don’t think they’ll get much here.

I also find it kind of “rude” if the person and I have shared interests.

So what if you’re Following 64.9K people? Is one more really going to make a difference? Especially when YOU contacted me in the first place?

And this is just classic! They send you a DM thanking you for Following them.  Problem! You can’t say “you’re welcome!” They’re not Following You!!!

I will admit I do have some Heavy Hitters Following me on Twitter. A member of the actual Kennedy Family! One member of three Professional Psychiatrists that run a massive blog (and more) for Mental Health.  Oh, she’s gone now! *laughing*  Unfollow, Follow. The same with the others.  They are the “Masterminds” behind “Shrink Rap.”

There are more medical ones for sure.  Oh, boy.  I know there are definitely others related to my other interests.  My primary interest of almost having my brain stuck in a Vat of Neurology and Psychiatry. *laughing*  But for it? Still not that much for “Reach” for a lot of these people.  I still don’t think so.

Personally I don’t say that much on Twitter.  Maybe personal chat, I used to act like a total idiot, so maybe that will start up again. Something might come out of me to generate a Follower? Okay, I’ll admit to a bit of that.  Some Heavy Hitters out of a VERY small Following.

I generally use Twitter as a vehicle for my Blog Posts.  I ALSO have Twitter Followers that subscribe to my Blog in that format.  Posts via Twitter, definitely! A tiny bit of a Stream where something pops up? Referrals? But I’M SO TINY!!!

Now, for all you really popular and “Heavy Hitters?” Please don’t let this Post make ANY OF YOU stop coming to me for a Twitter Follow! PLEASE!!! That is not what this Post is about either! It’s more a question of why? Again, “why me.”  If you liked my content, why not Follow me back?

If you have 1,000,000K Followers, and 2K you’re Following? 200 you are Following? Still come to me on Twitter!!!

Even if you don’t like me so much, or you’re trying to get to other people through me? Hey! That’s just it! I probably answered my own Post (or part of it?)

Now? It doesn’t even matter.  Again, if you’re not really into my content, I still might really like yours.  Then, I’ll Follow you back.

I’d still like you to Follow me though.  It could lead to some really great things.

Quantum Physics will pretty much kick the ball off after you do Follow me.  And hopefully in the right way.  But ya gotta give it a try.

POSTSCRIPT: Now watch me never get any Twitter Followers EVER.AGAIN.


There are worse things I could do
Than chug eight drinks, do a cutting or two
Even though I know I’m trashy and no good
In a gutter that’s true too
But there are worse things I could do

I could flirt with every pill
Smile at them and test my will
Pour them all around my bed
Make me think I’m better dead
Then refuse to see it through
A total coward that’s true too

I could stay home every night
Wait around for Sanity’s Flight
My Flights are drinking every day
And throwing my life away
On a “me” that won’t come true

Would you hurt if you’re like me
So much hubris, too blind to see
I always steal and forever lie
But can I feel? Do I bother to cry?
These facts I’ll bet you never knew
But to cry in front of you
That’s the worst thing…

…I’d ruin you…


Infanticide.

He got just too sick.

*crying*

Who cares what the fuck Category?