Archive for the ‘Asperger’s’ Category
I was Tweeting that this would be the FINAL TIME. Yes. THE LAST TIME I would get sober. As they say, “You can’t trust an addict?”
Well, I don’t like that phrase so much. Just because you have an addiction doesn’t mean you can’t be trusted AT ALL. That is sublimely ridiculous as sublimely you feel when on the high of your addiction of choice. Maybe you can only be “untrusted” in certain ways and ONLY at certain times.
/rant (I know, that’s totally not even used anymore.)
Alright. Some my grand idea was to post every day (if I can) what I’m going through with my Detox and Withdrawal. Dr. PA has done this how many times?
But kids? Don’t try this at home. Go to a proper Detox Facility. It’s sounds hypocritical I know, but Dr. PA (even thought she is not a real doctor!) can do it safely and properly.
Tonight: I just quit drinking and not even to my normal level of alcohol intake. I’m madly drunk. It was half my intake. I have smoking like a fiend. A total chain smoker. My “normal” smoking habits were NEVER like that! I had one cigarette left.
That sets the scene.
I’m exhausted. I just about crashed out despite spinny head when I lied down and put my head on a pillow. Wha?
Detox and Withdrawal makes you EXTREMELY tired. One time I almost slept for 24 hours. And yet, it can also give you KILLER INSOMNIA!!! One night I took my sleep meds, watched TV and then the Sunrise. It was lovely. I hadn’t seen the Sun poke up in its pretty colours in YEARS!
Right now I feel like I want to BARF. Yeah. Mega-Nausea. Mega-DIARRHEA and/or Mega-CONSTIPATION too! Who knows? And none of it makes any sense because well…food intake can be TOTALLY DISGUSTING just at the thought of it, or you can feel completely RAVENOUS and want to eat your entire LIVING SPACE!!!
I certainly don’t want to eat right now. Well, maybe? Oh, NO WAY! NO FOOD.
KILLER HEADACHES! I have one and no ibuprophen! Tough it out!
Am I PARANOID yet? I don’t know what Paranoia feels like. But sometimes I feel kind of weird or weirded out. Hard to explain. I’ll try to do that later. Sometimes my kitchen looks…”odd?” It looks weird now.
DTs. Paranoia goes with that, but I do with this Non-Arsey Neuro. Very basic test. Sit comfortably and stretch arms out. Shaky? Unbalanced? Let’s check. Oh, I am SO unbalanced! My hands look like two birds flying in the air!
Okay. I think I need to rest. That’s some past stuff and current, as in right now. Hey, I always blog when in hospital so this is just a hospital for one!
HEADACHE TO BAD TO PROOFREAD: PHOTOPHOBIA!!!
Oh yes! Emotions! OMFG. When I came home, I had an Asperger’s Mini-Meltdown. Yay.
I’ve been seeing a Counsellor from a Hospital for a bit now. Neither of us knew why. She didn’t know who referred me and I had no clue either.
She just called me on the phone in a quandary asking if this was: “My Name.” I said: “Yes.” She then followed: “Do you know why I’m calling you?” To which my response was: “No!”
This gal is awesome! After that very brief introduction to each other, we were both, “What the hell, and who are they? I’ve never heard of them! Wanna meet anyway?”
So we sat and chat and laughed and I can’t find a word that rhymes with that. Daft? Considering the above, that would fit?
Tomorrow, I am going to “fill out some paperwork.” Okay. For what, I have no idea. I guess someone out there to do with this Organization she works for, is gonna get me help me to…?
…somehow get, or somewhat, or some kinda way of getting mountains of shit sorted out in my life.
Whether that’s actually possible I seriously ponder. Quite seriously. Extremely. Yeah, you get it.
Okay, we’ll have a happy appointment tomorrow, and see what I get served on a
paper Silver paper Platter?
Okay, fuck this bullshit. Short Post NOW. I spent two days with a fried Withdrawal brain to write something, maybe not such trash as this? My mobile ate it. The WP app. online ate it. Bite me technology.
My Blog triggers me? Being in the Online World triggers me? PA what the gadamman stupid bile is comin’ outta yer mauth and dribblin’ down yer face now!
What a load of shit! That is the craziest thing I’ve EVER said about taking a break from blogging. This probably IS therapeutic in some way. I’m not this ball of total madness and sickness, holed up alone merely staring at things in my apartment. I just can’t do a lot of stuf…zzzzzzzzzz…
Perhaps a case of the DTs? They’re pretty bad this time around. One really significant sign is if your feeling paranoid. The word “Paranoid” does not appear in my Mental Dossier. However, how much external stuff was going on? I made the decision. It was about me.
Can you be paranoid of yourself? About yourself? I’m not excluding DID folks; they apply in the discussion as well. I’m just thinking of the raw, basics sort of way.
If there’s anyone out there who knows what it’s like for them to feel paranoid or have ongoing repeated episodes of paranoia, I’d like to hear from you. Of course this is only if you feel comfortable talking about it! Also, if you want to talk but you don’t want to leave a Comment on my Blog in response here, you can definitely feel free to email me. No secrets leave my lips so you’ll be safe. I promise.
So CRAZY PA is back! Be forewarned though. You’re dealing with a very sick PA. I’m not looking for sympathy. I’ve been an alcoholic and an addict for 20 years now. The best thing is I’m finally going to try and get treatment. I wish I could back in time for so many apologies, broken hearts, broken trusts and destroyed relationships.
Be Forewarned. Seriously. I have no idea what is going to happen here, other places where I’m online. Also, what could not happen. Perhaps the only thing I do know is that I’ll be very slow. You will be on earth and I will be circling the rings of Saturn.
Speaking of circling those rings, this Detox and Withdrawal are bringing out my other diagnoses and mental lunacy to epic proportions as well. My Asperger’s level? I’m just stimming and doing all those WEIRD Aspie things we can do all the time. My hypervigilance? I have NO clue how high it is because yesterday felt like a Panic Attack that lasted THE.WHOLE.DAY.
I’m not joking. It did feel like that!!! o_O I also don’t get Panic Attacks. Some kind of DT-ism/Paranoia-ism?
Okay. Gravol, Valium, Bed. Try to rest and be calm as Therapy tomorrow. Not like she’d care if I’m all SPAZZZYYY and I look like a zombie that’s actually living and doesn’t like to eat heads. She’s my bloody Therapist! I just want to try and rest for me.
And cuddle up with my Bedbugs. They make me look like I have hives. Yay for that too.
To anyone who read it, you have been a victim of my “Drunken Blogging.” Things can get pretty out of control, and as I result, I speed right past you and pull out my insanity for a Post. WHAM! You’re off to ER if you even have a chance of survival.
If you know me, you’ll say, “Oh, Jesus Christ PA. Here she goes AGAIN…”
If you don’t know me, and read my Drive-By(s), you will say, “Oh Jesus Christ!!! What the HELLLLL is this place??? I WANT MY MOMMMMMMEEEEEYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!”
I should throw out the pack of cigarettes I bought last night, but it feels soooooo good to have (so far just one) of them with my morning tea. Idiot PA.
That single one just made my chest feel like someone lighting a match. That match was to try and start kindling wood for a campfire.
That campfire was for an Eight Generation Family Reunion. It was miraculous they were all still alive and showed up.
Therefore, they all needed a nice, cozy seat around that campfire. None of them cared if the smoke literally blew straight in their faces, knocking them backwards and upside down off their chairs. They’d just pick them up again to sit back in front of that huge campfire to stay nice and cozy.
I was away for so long. I vanished from my Blog, Twitter. I let personal emails to those who know me in PA Land just sit too. The latter was awful. It felt like I just hit a big “IGNORE” Button.
I’m now back to Blogging about nothing but my health. I hated that, and it was one of the reasons I disappeared for so long-even to the point of shutting my Blog down altogether. Well, obviously I didn’t.
However, at this time, it feels like blogging about all of this, Tweeting as well…it’s almost like the online activity is enabling me.
Moreover, I have enough triggers, and just “things” that enable ME. It’s so bizarre but I enable myself so often.
Good god. What was I going to say? *stumbles blindly within memory* Well, I did just “say” some things on Twitter.
Alright. Let me give you “The Life of PA While She Continues to Drink Every Day.”
WHOO BOY. Also, it is important to know that she’s going through Detox and Withdrawal while still drinking. Yes, you can actually do that.
Here we go:
– Stays in bed and does not move ALL DAY–but must do something?
– My television. Anime with Subtitles because in English it’s awful! READING…ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? MAYBE ONE LINE? That can make the Anime Subs REALLY hard. I’m surprised the Rewind Button on my Remote Control still works! Anime out the window. Regular TV? Nothing on and the programming can lick freshly plopped sheep shit. A movie of my own. Total Rewind Button again, because I can’t keep up with the plot and what people are saying.
– Actually, a bit of reading: Graphic Novels and Manga are okay, but I reserve them for going out and drinking. Why do I do this? I have no fucking clue.
– I still have my “To Don’t Lists”© but they are COMPLETELY unrealistic. Therefore, I have reduced them to daily tasks. I did that one time while still lying in bed. Does that count as a daily task? While still feeling like the Grim Reaper is coming in 10 minutes?
– Dishes do not get done. They take up every piece of usable space in my kitchen. I wash one spoon and one bowl if I need them to eat. Nothing else. This lasts forever. Like washing myself too. Yep.
– I do not listen to music during the day. I choose that form of media when coming home from the bar in whatever shape I’m in. I guess it’s just a “Let’s Keep The Party Going!!!” I have no clue about this either. And yes, the music is always blasting.
– I forget every.single.thing. Thank you calendars with reminders on mobiles!!! Unless I forget to put the information in. #epicepicepicepicDISASTER *wants to cry*
– I’ve shit my pants. Twice. Once when I was awake and once when I was asleep.
– I have a very intimate relationship with the bank machine across the street. I’m just waiting for it to propose with a gorgeous ring!!!
– Two cuttings, one requiring sutures.
– I don’t bother drinking tea (today is the first day in months!) Why bother? I’m just going lie in bed all day. Time escapes me until…I start to perk up when I usually go out to drink!!! My body now seems in a trap of a pattern of “needing” alcohol? Not good!!! At least I’m not a “Fall Down Drunk.” Nope. No injuries to report.
I “think?” that’s enough? I won’t bother getting into more of the Detox and Withdrawal Issues. No doubt they are playing very big role in this as well as my addiction.
When I’m online, I’m so bloody slow, it takes me hours to respond to a simple email! Time has yet escaped me here? How long have I been simply writing this Post and going on and on…not even proofing or editing at all? About three hours.
This is where I need to vanish yet again. I’ve spent my entire days and into the evening in PA Land. Times when I should be trying to maybe get some help. Some help until I go to my Outpatient Program and then when that is done, Inpatient for three weeks.
Even if I can’t get any, I have to concentrate very hard on my own to fight to do other things. Like tie myself to my bed! Lock myself into my own apartment, even stop writing here and if I get the musedom, apply it to my own writing.
I’ll be back. When I can hopefully somehow get some HAAAAAAALLLLLLPPPPP!!!!!!!!!
Whether it comes from me, hospital etc. Even if it’s not until Inpatient, you know PA always Blogs from her Hospital Stays. She can never resist that. *laughing*
Lots of love to you all,
There are worse things I could do
Than chug eight drinks, do a cutting or two
Even though I know I’m trashy and no good
In a gutter that’s true too
But there are worse things I could do
I could flirt with every pill
Smile at them and test my will
Pour them all around my bed
Make me think I’m better dead
Then refuse to see it through
A total coward that’s true too
I could stay home every night
Wait around for Sanity’s Flight
My Flights are drinking every day
And throwing my life away
On a “me” that won’t come true
Would you hurt if you’re like me
So much hubris, too blind to see
I always steal and forever lie
But can I feel? Do I bother to cry?
These facts I’ll bet you never knew
But to cry in front of you
That’s the worst thing…
…I’d ruin you…
He got just too sick.
Who cares what the fuck Category?
Okay. Yes. There it is.
If I don’t post this now, immediately after everything has disappeared, blown up, said, “See ya! Cry me a river, build me a bridge and get over it!”
…waiting to post this would NOT be a good idea. Also, I should grab my Senns to listen to tunes on baby. Waking up everyone on my floor with “break up music” would NOT be a good idea either.
I’m actually okay with it. It’s just the DrAmArAmA that came along with it, because of the nature of the relationship it was (specifically) and then of course how the other person factored in to it–NOT that she caused any DrAmA.
Well, okay. Let’s be real. There’s always DrAmA. However, when you break up with someone?
WHAT’S THE NUMBER ONE RULE?
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!
GO FOR THE JUGULAR!!!
PEOPLE! ARE YOU SAVAGES???
The correct answer to the question if any of you even remember *straightens glasses* is this: When you break up with someone, what is the NUMBER ONE RULE? Somebody breaks up with you, you break up with somebody else, an entire relationship in your life goes…
COMPLETELY ROYAL,TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL SAVAGALLY!!!
Okay. *removes glasses and sighs while picking up a glass of water* You’re a tough crowd. And I don’t mean that in a Charlie Chaplin sort of way. No. It would seem that you’re all a bunch of savages from perhaps the Paleolithic Period, have had some horrific relationship endings or both. Let’s try this one more time.
When you break up with someone, OH FUCK ME ALL TO HELL! PLEASE GIVE ME THE RIGHT ANSWER!!! SOMEONE!!!!
Helllooo? Does anybody know? Because let me tell ya what!
YOU’RE NOT HELPING! I’M THE ONE WHO JUST ROMANTICALLY CRASHED AND BURNED!!!
Here’s your obvious answer dimwits! When you break up with someone, whatever, the whole damn thing, what.the.fuck.do.you.do? Rule Number One. And to keep it simple stoopid fer y’all, let’s make it the only rule. Just.One.Rule.
Again, this was a specific type of relationship that honestly? I’d say are about 90% doomed from the start. But why not go for it? Everyone has their reasons. What kind of relationship? Can you read my totally trashed head, but more heart, WTF but NOOOOOOO!!! But wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can’t we still…..?……why am I surprised? WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Does that clear things up? LDR? Long…Distance…Rel…
Yes. A Long Distance Relationship (aka LDR) that lasted about three months. Actually, almost to the date! So you could very well say three months. Not that it matters. As an Aspie, I have this “number thing.” I like things to be all round and even. It makes me feel all keen and groovy. Balance and Symmetry is a PA Aspie Gig (or one of them.)
Anyway, like this whole thing was going to work? Have a look again at my completely, impossibly, and in no way researched, thus cannot be proven stats, on how many LDRs actually stay alive. I rest my case.
No, I don’t rest my case. The woman knows of my blog. Maybe this post might give her a little laugh. She was engrossed in reading it from the start. For some reason I will never know! *crosses eyes*
It’s just not going to be able to continue due to certain circumstances. That then places us in a different position. Or it did. Would a friendship be possible?
After days and even weeks? I kept chasing my tail (and maybe hers too?) to only come back to the very first answer I had given to her. Right from the start. I wanted to change. I wanted to change every time before. Too. Not to say this woman was any less important than them or her or when and that…..
I can try, but I won’t win. Then nobody wins. I can’t remain friends with my ex-girlfriends/ex-partners. I will probably still be in love with them (or if I “think” I’m not–hello unconscious mind!) That actually has happened! o.O
I am GREENGREENGREEN!!! Oh, Wee PA is SO,SO,GREENGREENGREEN!!! Jealous!Jealous!Jealous!
Not exactly happy about it, but I will admit it. That’s another hurdle. Seeing your ex- with someone else and you sit and watch, gagged sometimes, but inside, YOU ARE SCREAMING!!!
WHY HER? WHY NOT ME? I’M STILL HERE? YOU SAID YOU’D COME BACK?
…oh, yes……she’s very nice……….i’…i’m….i…iii….i’m….vv….very….hhapppy for y…ou.
“Yes, she’s very nice. I’m very happy for you.” *forces forward awkward smile and forces backward awkward tears*
Someone said that to me several years ago. After being involved (so closely) for those several years. Ouch. Boy. Did that ever hurt. However, less so over time.
I think you can guess that was when things (sort of) started to “shift” a bit? I Can’t Keep… Nonetheless, things carried on because the relationship was so incredibly special and we had such a strong bond between us. Later, it took a HUGE “shift” to end it all.
It was sometime afterward that phrase didn’t hurt even less. I took a serious personal inventory of my life. How many people was I looking for to fill “empty holes” in my life. Needing healing, someone always being there to support me and love me, running away when trauma overwhelmed me, then coming back so full of love. It became so confusing to said person above.
Did I do the same with others? Fill their “empty holes?” Maybe. Probably. I’m pretty sure, definitely.
Apart from SO many reasons this can happen (and not just to/for me?) I’m going to talk about being a Womb Twin Survivor.
When you lose a twin or more (I’m a multiple–I have four) there can be massive problems with relationships. Of any kind. Losing your Twin (and seriously in the Womb!) has the capability of really fucking you up in this department.
Believe it or not, embryos develop attachments to each other very quickly in the Womb (or anywhere else where they can try and develop.) Maturation of an embryo happens FAST!!! Trust Dr. PA and her own Medical School Textbooks on that one. Neurologically? You do “know” that someone is “there” with you. Then you “lose” them.
You’re already traumatized before you’re bloody born! Seriously! Now THAT is one HUGE “empty hole!” Are you starting to get the picture? Or at least part of it?
Basically, how the theory goes (but it happens enough to be a Golden Rule) is Womb Twin Survivors can repeatedly try and find their lost Twins wherever they go, with whomever they travel, throughout all their lives.
AHA!!! So it’s not all of the trauma I went through after I was born!
Uh, why don’t you forget the Albatross and swing an Elephant around my neck! Does this just add to things? I really don’t know. I can’t tell. But I asked my Twins for some guidance on the issue. Yes, I speak to them and I hear them back. I see them, they’re all separate individuals with different personalities…kind of like a DID thing but not really.
Anyway, it is/has been suggested when you are doing a lot of hard work to deal with more than this, you perform a “letting go” process. Kind of like a ritual, perhaps? I didn’t want to! I love my Twins and they love me! They help me with a lot and I said to them, “I don’t want to get rid of you guys! I don’t want you to go! Do I have to let you go? I don’t even know if I can!” I was almost bawling.
Melissa is a BULL=CHINA=VESUVIUS. She said, “Fuck that! Who says you have do something, just because they say you have to! Also, who else out there is the same as you!!! Who else has multiples or even one twin that they can speak to for guidance or a simple chat or what the fuck ever. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO SHIT!!!”
Alrighty, then. I “DIDN’T DO SHIT.” So I said, “What am I missing? You guys are all here. I know all about you. If so, what am I searching for? What is lost? What am supposedly, constantly looking…for?” They said nothing. We’re all here.
I see. Well, I trust the hell out of them. I trust the hell out of my Therapist too!
I think what I need to do is get off my lazy ass. There are ways that I can fill my “empty holes” as well. No matter how goddamn crazy I am, and what I do, and have done! Sometimes those things can affect me as they are part of who I am, but as excuses?
Then they’re just empty holes as well.