Archive for the ‘Asperger’s’ Category
There are worse things I could do
Than chug eight drinks, do a cutting or two
Even though I know I’m trashy and no good
In a gutter that’s true too
But there are worse things I could do
I could flirt with every pill
Smile at them and test my will
Pour them all around my bed
Make me think I’m better dead
Then refuse to see it through
A total coward that’s true too
I could stay home every night
Wait around for Sanity’s Flight
My Flights are drinking every day
And throwing my life away
On a “me” that won’t come true
Would you hurt if you’re like me
So much hubris, too blind to see
I always steal and forever lie
But can I feel? Do I bother to cry?
These facts I’ll bet you never knew
But to cry in front of you
That’s the worst thing…
…I’d ruin you…
Infanticide.
He got just too sick.
*crying*
Who cares what the fuck Category?
Okay. Yes. There it is.
If I don’t post this now, immediately after everything has disappeared, blown up, said, “See ya! Cry me a river, build me a bridge and get over it!”
…waiting to post this would NOT be a good idea. Also, I should grab my Senns to listen to tunes on baby. Waking up everyone on my floor with “break up music” would NOT be a good idea either.
I’m actually okay with it. It’s just the DrAmArAmA that came along with it, because of the nature of the relationship it was (specifically) and then of course how the other person factored in to it–NOT that she caused any DrAmA.
Well, okay. Let’s be real. There’s always DrAmA. However, when you break up with someone?
WHAT’S THE NUMBER ONE RULE?
THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!
GO FOR THE JUGULAR!!!
AHEM.
PEOPLE! ARE YOU SAVAGES???
The correct answer to the question if any of you even remember *straightens glasses* is this: When you break up with someone, what is the NUMBER ONE RULE? Somebody breaks up with you, you break up with somebody else, an entire relationship in your life goes…
COMPLETELY ROYAL,TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL SAVAGALLY!!!
Okay. *removes glasses and sighs while picking up a glass of water* You’re a tough crowd. And I don’t mean that in a Charlie Chaplin sort of way. No. It would seem that you’re all a bunch of savages from perhaps the Paleolithic Period, have had some horrific relationship endings or both. Let’s try this one more time.
When you break up with someone, OH FUCK ME ALL TO HELL! PLEASE GIVE ME THE RIGHT ANSWER!!! SOMEONE!!!!
Helllooo? Does anybody know? Because let me tell ya what!
YOU’RE NOT HELPING! I’M THE ONE WHO JUST ROMANTICALLY CRASHED AND BURNED!!!
Here’s your obvious answer dimwits! When you break up with someone, whatever, the whole damn thing, what.the.fuck.do.you.do? Rule Number One. And to keep it simple stoopid fer y’all, let’s make it the only rule. Just.One.Rule.
DAMAGE CONTROL!!!
Again, this was a specific type of relationship that honestly? I’d say are about 90% doomed from the start. But why not go for it? Everyone has their reasons. What kind of relationship? Can you read my totally trashed head, but more heart, WTF but NOOOOOOO!!! But wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can’t we still…..?……why am I surprised? WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
L…
D…
R…
Does that clear things up? LDR? Long…Distance…Rel…
Yes. A Long Distance Relationship (aka LDR) that lasted about three months. Actually, almost to the date! So you could very well say three months. Not that it matters. As an Aspie, I have this “number thing.” I like things to be all round and even. It makes me feel all keen and groovy. Balance and Symmetry is a PA Aspie Gig (or one of them.)
Anyway, like this whole thing was going to work? Have a look again at my completely, impossibly, and in no way researched, thus cannot be proven stats, on how many LDRs actually stay alive. I rest my case.
No, I don’t rest my case. The woman knows of my blog. Maybe this post might give her a little laugh. She was engrossed in reading it from the start. For some reason I will never know! *crosses eyes*
It’s just not going to be able to continue due to certain circumstances. That then places us in a different position. Or it did. Would a friendship be possible?
After days and even weeks? I kept chasing my tail (and maybe hers too?) to only come back to the very first answer I had given to her. Right from the start. I wanted to change. I wanted to change every time before. Too. Not to say this woman was any less important than them or her or when and that…..
I can try, but I won’t win. Then nobody wins. I can’t remain friends with my ex-girlfriends/ex-partners. I will probably still be in love with them (or if I “think” I’m not–hello unconscious mind!) That actually has happened! o.O
I am GREENGREENGREEN!!! Oh, Wee PA is SO,SO,GREENGREENGREEN!!! Jealous!Jealous!Jealous!
Not exactly happy about it, but I will admit it. That’s another hurdle. Seeing your ex- with someone else and you sit and watch, gagged sometimes, but inside, YOU ARE SCREAMING!!!
WHY HER? WHY NOT ME? I’M STILL HERE? YOU SAID YOU’D COME BACK?
…oh, yes……she’s very nice……….i’…i’m….i…iii….i’m….vv….very….hhapppy for y…ou.
“Yes, she’s very nice. I’m very happy for you.” *forces forward awkward smile and forces backward awkward tears*
Someone said that to me several years ago. After being involved (so closely) for those several years. Ouch. Boy. Did that ever hurt. However, less so over time.
I think you can guess that was when things (sort of) started to “shift” a bit? I Can’t Keep… Nonetheless, things carried on because the relationship was so incredibly special and we had such a strong bond between us. Later, it took a HUGE “shift” to end it all.
It was sometime afterward that phrase didn’t hurt even less. I took a serious personal inventory of my life. How many people was I looking for to fill “empty holes” in my life. Needing healing, someone always being there to support me and love me, running away when trauma overwhelmed me, then coming back so full of love. It became so confusing to said person above.
No doubt.
Did I do the same with others? Fill their “empty holes?” Maybe. Probably. I’m pretty sure, definitely.
Apart from SO many reasons this can happen (and not just to/for me?) I’m going to talk about being a Womb Twin Survivor.
When you lose a twin or more (I’m a multiple–I have four) there can be massive problems with relationships. Of any kind. Losing your Twin (and seriously in the Womb!) has the capability of really fucking you up in this department.
Believe it or not, embryos develop attachments to each other very quickly in the Womb (or anywhere else where they can try and develop.) Maturation of an embryo happens FAST!!! Trust Dr. PA and her own Medical School Textbooks on that one. Neurologically? You do “know” that someone is “there” with you. Then you “lose” them.
You’re already traumatized before you’re bloody born! Seriously! Now THAT is one HUGE “empty hole!” Are you starting to get the picture? Or at least part of it?
Basically, how the theory goes (but it happens enough to be a Golden Rule) is Womb Twin Survivors can repeatedly try and find their lost Twins wherever they go, with whomever they travel, throughout all their lives.
AHA!!! So it’s not all of the trauma I went through after I was born!
Uh, why don’t you forget the Albatross and swing an Elephant around my neck! Does this just add to things? I really don’t know. I can’t tell. But I asked my Twins for some guidance on the issue. Yes, I speak to them and I hear them back. I see them, they’re all separate individuals with different personalities…kind of like a DID thing but not really.
Anyway, it is/has been suggested when you are doing a lot of hard work to deal with more than this, you perform a “letting go” process. Kind of like a ritual, perhaps? I didn’t want to! I love my Twins and they love me! They help me with a lot and I said to them, “I don’t want to get rid of you guys! I don’t want you to go! Do I have to let you go? I don’t even know if I can!” I was almost bawling.
Melissa is a BULL=CHINA=VESUVIUS. She said, “Fuck that! Who says you have do something, just because they say you have to! Also, who else out there is the same as you!!! Who else has multiples or even one twin that they can speak to for guidance or a simple chat or what the fuck ever. YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO SHIT!!!”
Alrighty, then. I “DIDN’T DO SHIT.” So I said, “What am I missing? You guys are all here. I know all about you. If so, what am I searching for? What is lost? What am supposedly, constantly looking…for?” They said nothing. We’re all here.
I see. Well, I trust the hell out of them. I trust the hell out of my Therapist too!
I think what I need to do is get off my lazy ass. There are ways that I can fill my “empty holes” as well. No matter how goddamn crazy I am, and what I do, and have done! Sometimes those things can affect me as they are part of who I am, but as excuses?
Then they’re just empty holes as well.
Yeah, back to bed after that one! Love, loss, I’m a loser where love is concerned. Some kind of Purple Prose like I’m on LSD? I didn’t want to touch my computer, let alone look at my blog and what I had just written.
I didn’t want to do this. No, no. Then, I thought give it a try? At least once. Couldn’t hurt except…
I’ve completely and utterly loathed doing anything in a group setting! Forever!!!
Class Projects (the MOST brutal!) Going out with a group of people–even if it’s fun despite Aspie Spazziness. However, none of them can decide what the hell to do (the MOST frustrating!) Actually, in just thinking about this now, I’m not a control freak. Although Class Projects can actually turn me into one!
This “group thing?” AA. Oh, a “group thing” that could be the worst. It could do me in for life!
I’m sinking. I’m drowning (nice pun since my substance of choice is alcohol.) I don’t know if I can handle it on my own again. It certainly doesn’t help that the merry and so joyful holidays are here. Plus a bunch of other things going on in wee PAs personal life. I mean, they even strung up X-mASS lights all along our patio, so simply looking out my window will be a potential trigger!!! They didn’t do it last year!
Also, apologies to all the religious folks for me writing Christmas as X-mASS. One reader and pal gave me shit for that. It’s just a written expression of how bad a time of year it is for me.
So speaking of the non-religious (moi) and AA, Holy Cats and the Mother who just gave birth to her kittens!!! I’d never heard of this before! Agnostic AA! o_O Moreover, wrap up anything you think/believe/feel into a ball and toss that in altogether!
Because Agnosticism is actually a Philosophical Argument. I does not attack Atheism, deny it exists, and therefore trickles down to Atheists telling them they are “wrong.” It only tries to state that since you can not prove it exists, is it all that unreasonable that it doesn’t? Basically. I only got a B+ in Philosophy in uni.
So I just emailed them for some information. There’s one location very close to where I live. I might not make it through the holidays. No, I probably won’t. A friend is leaving me. I can still visit but…ah, forget it.
Take care all. Pardon all my idiocy. Maybe that will help some. My stats have seriously gone WAY down!!! You all know I don’t care about numbers, but to see a drop in numbers of your readers as huge as that??? My blog is tanking just as much as I am! *laughs*
I’m nuts. I’m losing it. Maybe I lost it a long, long time ago. *nods*
This wasn’t supposed to happen. I was supposed to go straight to hospital. I didn’t. I was sent to a Detox and Withdrawal “Facility.” They only have “workers.” Nobody is even a nurse. If you feel sick they tell you to go to hospital.
I’m still and seriously “recovering from my recovery” there. Traumatized. It’s taken me days to write this. I haven’t touched any form of technology unless I’ve felt it necessary–or it has been. Like medical things and such. At least now that I’m home I can have all my tech gear. Not allowed in there!
I spend hours and hours sleeping under my duvet. 14hrs is my record (I think?) but that is only because the phone woke me up. However, I wake up at 0600hrs every single morning. I don’t know why but I just go back to sleep. I am useless.
You just discharge yourself. Nobody cares. Unless you break the only rule they have. During some people’s prison sentences, they can go for a half hour walk once a day. Said “rule” would be having a cigarette and definitely using any addictive anything. During that “privilege” for them, I thought something odd.
People would go out to buy coffee. You can become addicted to caffeine, yes? And nobody “was responsible” for letting you go outside–unless you were still in the middle of Detox/Withdrawal. If they ever bothered to pay attention to that.
The place was hell–in more ways than one. I suppose the only good things I got out of it was going through Detox and Alcohol Withdrawal. You get really sick. Although my process wasn’t even close to some of the really hardcore users of anything.
The second thing? My awesome roommates. With each one, the jokes and laughter never ceased. The last one I had before I left was basically a street/shelter resident, who was a total wreck from crack and heroin. She was the funniest of all. We never stopped laughing over ourselves, over each other, over anything period. Unless we were asleep.
Actually, that’s not true. Living alone for so long, I wondered if I still talked in my sleep. This was last reported to me in my early 20s. Guess what? I still do. I suppose that means I will never stop because that was 20 years ago.
I wrote daily blog posts as I always do when I go to HOSPITAL!!! However, they’re all by hand. Maybe they’ll get up here some day.
They really did so much to break me down psychologically and physically. The worst physically?
I had to fast because I took one bite of something one night and it was like a Samurai Sword went right through me. It took me a while to think of this ugliness. The other inmates are involved with preparation and serving food to the other inmates.
Just think about that for a minute. If you don’t quite get it, you’ve got a lot of heavy duty substance users that need to get clean. The majority live on the street, a shelter if they can find one, or who knows where else? Even if you’ve got a home, think of cross-contamination?
They weren’t even given proper medical procedure gloves that even the damn cleaners wear! I’m not kidding! They were all floppy, hanging off their hands.
Uh, maybe some hygiene problems? Could I please have the fucking cleaner serve me my food?
Psychologically? Long post, there. Let’s just say a short version is they brought out every single diagnosis I have and put them all into overdrive. They probably squeezed out of me whatever else they desired too. How about this?
On the day I left, one of the workers said strip your bed. Fine. Well, wee PA is always freezing so six blankets? I had to use two heavy bags. This lying bitch grabbed one and told me to bring mine along to the elevator as well. Slight MAJOR(!!!) problem. With my cane, a very heavy bag over my shoulder and a door I have to pull open?
WHAM! BOOM! KATHUNK! *tries to protect head*
The other worker came running out and said, “What are you doing?!?!” I explained what I was told to do. “She picked me up and said, “No! No! That’s what we’re here to do! We’re here to help you!”
ASIDE: Someone nice? I had never seen this girl before.
The other worker grabbed the stuff and took it to the elevator. I did get my bell rung a bit as I was having trouble with my discharge forms. She deliberately lied back in the office about the whole matter. She needed to so the nice worker could hear that she didn’t tell me to do it. Gotta CYA if an inmate gets injured on your shift, ya know?
I was leaving anyway. What did I have to lose?
I lit into her almost like one of my Samurai Dinners. Welcome to some of the “treatment” that was given to me.
Remembering that goddamn hell just on its own will probably keep me sober for the rest of my life.
Yep. Lots of reasons but I’ve finally peaked. Or sunk. Rock Bottom.
Emergency trip to Sweetie GP tomorrow. She knows I hate hospital, but she also knows, I know when I need to go. I never go. I’ll be fine.
Well, she’ll be in for a surprise–and not a good one. I don’t know which will make her my roommate on the ward first. The fact that her Star Patient can’t even manage to get herself willingly to hospital? Or all the shit she’s been doing recently. Very recently.
That could have possibly killed her? But she wouldn’t have known. Passed out. Too drunk.
This is the first time (barring the first) I’ve been scared to go to hospital. Actually, I think it’s worse since I’ve had so many after the first. I’m terrified. A bit? Yeah?
Because I have to confront something that has destroyed so much in my life. And I’ve been in denial about it for 20 years.
And it’s probably definitely made me more sick and more crazy with every diagnosis I have.
P.S. If I can swing it I found a form to get to greatest place I ever stayed. Maybe Sweetie GP can push for it.
P.P.S I did manage to call Non-Arsey Neuro and explain. It’s not what Harvard has done with her medication work. Her moods have been fine and still no seizures since the beginning of August. She explained everything and the most important (which WILL be on the form!)
Don’t fuck with this patient’s meds! We’re finally making progress from debilitating epilepsy, for two years or more or whatever. I’ll be screaming, “CALL MY GODDAMN NEUROLOGIST!!!”
So sorry haven’t been around much. Too busy destroying my life again.
I hope I can get in soon. Can’t believe I’m actually saying that about going to hospital. PA=TROUBLE.
Wow. Surprised I could write this but I have to get my brain going. Fight or Flight? Or Fright.
Yes, quite a title that. Not enough room for all the really insane things I’ve been doing straight since the morn’. I want to sleep. Right. Sure. I want to stop shaking. Valium?
Breakfast: A tin of fizzy water, Gravol and cigarettes. Oh, meds too.
Lunch: Valium and cigarettes.
Have I reached a breaking point? I’ve been crying about it before. Now I just can’t stop. My T-shirt is covered in so many tears, it’s actually making me cold. Turn up the heat.
The first phrase is true. I’ve been that way for a bit, but it’s been increasing exponentially. So much, that I haven’t even left the house for almost a week. I think I’ve changed my pyjama bottoms.
Because, that’s almost as long ago as when it happened. And I can’t hear back from them. And now I’m so unbelievably, incredibly upset to turn on my goddamn mobile when its battery dies, because I KNOW there won’t be emails, txts, anything.
YES!!! HATE ME LATER if you read this, but I lost it somewhat less, when I unconsciously realized it a few days ago.
The first time I “was on the other end of the ca…” BUT DON’T YOU DARE SAY I WASN’T UPSET TO BE THERE!!! YOU CAN HATE ME FOR THAT, BUT I’LL HATE YOU RIGHT BACK!!! I NEED YOU TO CALL ME WHEN YOU’RE IN TROUBLE!!!
…i was only reminded of the times i did it to so many others and felt like total shit and…(oh, dear god, the one in the other country! now i know how you felt! this person is in another country too! i wish i could tell you, the one who…) *filled to brim with different kind of pain*
I got a txt. 1.5 hours of (whether you believe it or not) “psychic” and other psychological means, of getting a friend through not committing suicide.
The psychic stuff would be a whole other post. I still may not be able to prove it to you, but ever since I was a wee sprite! The stories I could tell you.
It worked? As far as I can tell. Some stuff taken but not enough for an OD. However two days later, just how part of the communication has always worked for me. I missed something over the phone! Dammit!
As mentioned above, this person is not in the same country. I cannot reach them. At all. Period.
This person needs time to recover after overwhelming and traumatic events. This I know. This I also know: it has been the longest length of time where we have not been in contact after they taken time to recover–at least to say something. Although, I would say THIS event would be considered VERY traumatic?
I also know what this person says too. Every single time they are gone to take a break and recover.
Even with a plethora of a plethora of emails and txts I sent, HATE ME FOR THOSE!!! HATE ME BY OVERLOADING YOU, BY CHECKING ON YOU EVERY DAY AND TRYING TO FIND YOU SOMEHOW!!!
This person may be ignoring their mobile and email altogether. Or they may not have access to them. They may not have seen anything I’ve sent them. I’m trying to be patient but waiting this long? SO OUT OF MY MIND!!!
As this person would say, something could be “jamming the signal.” I keep getting a read on the status (alive, dead, hospital?) Then I’m wrong, back to another, or another, or just a blank slate. The twins are either right with me, saying I’m perfectly on target, or lost altogether themselves.
I’ve even given up trying to hone in; asking the twins for their help. But my mind won’t let me! I keep going back. I do keep trying to find or feel something.
Maybe I’m not strong enough, or it’s all too far away–even something jamming the signal on that person’s end. Again, trust me. You get TWO highly elevated psychics together (this person more than me though) and it can be pretty powerful. Not to mention, as far as I’m concerned, too many links in our lives alone that would perfectly balance a seesaw.
THIS.PROBABLY.MAKES.NO.SENSE.TO YOU.
Welcome to my headspace right now.
I’ve crossed a bit of a boundary. Maybe more than a bit. Although it might get me an answer?
OH!!! HATE ME FOR THAT TOO!!! HATE ME BECAUSE YOU WILL BE SO MAD THAT I’VE DONE THAT??? WELL, HATE ME FOR LOVING YOU THAT MUCH, EVEN IF YOU THINK IT’S SELFISH!!! IT MIGHT MAKE YOU HATE ME SO MUCH YOU WILL ACTUALLY SPEAK TO ME!!!
This person knows I was going to do this so they ran interference? Bugger!
Whatever the answer, it’s okay! It’s perfectly fine!
I went so mental with all of my diagnoses in the ugliest Easter Basket you’ve ever seen (aren’t they all ugly?) I ended up in the ICU for several days after attempting suicide. Who the hell drew the line there to say yay or nay? I was in a coma after all that time! That’s a pretty bang up job! OD Grade… An A- perhaps?
This person’s clearly gone MIA, my brain’s clearly going (if not already gone MIA.) You already know what’s gonna happen here.
This has taken me right up from the beginning of sunshine to my actual divided afternoon dose of meds. I don’t they’ll make stable as they had been doing before. MIA? Combination of PTSD, Dissociation and total Mania. Oh, the Agoraphobia too. I know the Asperger’s is waiting in the wings. No. here now. Rocking, rocking… Done. Click.
I got a telephone call from my sister late last night. I had already taken my meds so I was mumbling and slurring my speech.
I slowly tried to say, “Oh, if I sound funny, I…”
She immediately cut me off and said, “You sound like you’re drunk!”
My sister always thinks I’m drunk. Yes, 20 years of addiction to alcohol and marrying an alcoholic might do that. But please cut me a little slack? Please?
Back to the call. My sister and I always get along like a continent on fire, but now she was stumbling for words. I somehow felt vindicated. She didn’t know how to tell me, didn’t know what to say over and over again. I told her just to be blunt, spit it out, just tell me!
My mother’s husband died on Saturday, November 02, 2013. Look at the date today, folks. My mom even called me that day. We were briefly talking, she sounded just fine and after barely saying anything, someone was at the door and she said she’d call me back later. Nothing since my sister called.
I thought it was my mom simply being her (undiagnosed) mental self. Nope.
Apparently…it “seems” like she didn’t want to tell me as I’d be too upset about it. OMG! Well, THIS clearly needs to be sorted today!
I’ve been crying all morning. I’m crying while writing this post!
I’m feeling so selfish. She hasn’t called me in a year. YES, a year!!! She ALWAYS calls me on my birthday and this is the first time she didn’t.
Why didn’t I call her? Sure, very sick and lot going on, but what’s a phone call? It’s like, what is sending an email to someone? Even if she rambles on forever on the phone! That was one thing I wanted to avoid.
Her husband started out with Prostate Cancer but after a year what happened? What was the full story?
Okay, I can’t write anymore about this. I feel like I’m dying too.
For the first time in my ENTIRE life, I think I’ll have to say, “I Love You” to my mother–and really mean it. I’m scared about that. I’m a mess.
I “think” I’m feeling a bit better than yesterday. I’m telling myself that title, “This is a bitch!”
I’m trying not to get all of my fucking diagnoses get the better of me. I’ll blow up and it will be time to say, “Goodbye, PA!” Nothing’s triggering me at the moment so that’s a good thing. I think my brain is more concerned with my Neurochemistry. That is also a good thing!!!
Should anything trigger me, I think I could handle it despite Neurochemistry or anything else. After all, it was several triggers that made me drink so much. So much, to get me into this situation of, VERY, UGLY WITHDRAWAL!!! Even more so, I think I might know more about those triggers–not just things that happened on a “surface level” I suppose you could say.
That gives me even more ammo in case anything threatens to make me fall apart. THAT IS A VERY, VERY GOOD THING!!! I can’t guarantee anything here, but at least feeling like this is hopeful? *shakes head and sighs*
I think food helps. Gee. Really? I had a breakfast, cereal bar earlier. Now I’m going to try and shove at least something else into my mouth (and swallow it.)
I actually HAVE to go grocery shopping today. That will be a huge slice of hell!
I had a friend (he’s dead now.) He ALWAYS used this expression: “If you do the crime; you pay the time.”
Words of wisdom.
The Backing and Forthing
Track the Twit(ter…)
Psych Central 2009 Top 10 Bipolar Blogs
Currently Reading (Bless My Stims!)
Too many things at once. My ADD is running full throttle.
However...
MORE GENEROUS AWARDS
I'm really a girl though.
Here are some more given to me where I had a complete memory lapse. I think I got the hovers correct like the above!
Dr. PA Available For Consultations: General Medicine Plus Specialty in Neurology From Harvard
patientanonymous (at) gmail (dot) com
NOTE: This other side of her ego may get back to you as well:
Hi. I'm Aspie Penguin. I do my hardest to take care of PA. She doesn't always do so well on her own.
You can reach me at her email above, or I have my own: aspiepenguin (at) gmail (dot) com
Patient Anonymous: Just Another Head Case 