Archive for the ‘Bipolar Disorder’ Category


I’ve been seeing a Counsellor from a Hospital for a bit now. Neither of us knew why.  She didn’t know who referred me and I had no clue either.

She just called me on the phone in a quandary asking if this was: “My Name.” I said: “Yes.” She then followed: “Do you know why I’m calling you?” To which my response was: “No!”

This gal is awesome! After that very brief introduction to each other, we were both, “What the hell, and who are they? I’ve never heard of them! Wanna meet anyway?”

Sure.

So we sat and chat and laughed and I can’t find a word that rhymes with that.  Daft? Considering the above, that would fit?

Tomorrow, I am going to “fill out some paperwork.”  Okay.  For what, I have no idea.  I guess someone out there to do with this Organization she works for, is gonna get me help me to…?

…somehow get, or somewhat, or some kinda way of getting mountains of shit sorted out in my life.

Whether that’s actually possible I seriously ponder.  Quite seriously.  Extremely.  Yeah, you get it.

Okay, we’ll have a happy appointment tomorrow, and see what I get served on a paper Silver paper Platter?


Think about it.  Everything you’ve done in your life? You’ve had to work at it.  For it. Sometimes your work doesn’t pay off.  You don’t get what you want or where you want to be, to go.  Trust me.

I’ve failed at so many things I can’t even count them.  But did I “fail?” I’m starting to question that these days.  Regrets or none? Bad choices or simply choices at the time? No matter how much work I put into so many things…there is no explanation at all where I didn’t get what I wanted, where I wanted to be.  Just anything.

Sometimes if I didn’t have to put any work into things at all: “Hey! Mom! Dad! Look at this book! It’s amazing and you know what? When I was reading it, I found…”

But that’s not all of us.  Not the Gen. Pop.  We all work and strive for…? And what is the outcome? Moreover, if you don’t get it, how do you see or view those that DO get it.  They did.  They did.  Not me. Not me.

That’s a tough one for a lot all of us.  Please.  Let’s be honest here. I certainly will.  I like to profess I am so High and Mighty that I profess no envy or jealousy BUT COME ON! Will any of you tell me under these circumstances you have NOT felt these emotions? Or something akin? Ever?

If so? I don’t believe you.  There.  Now I have also admitted I am judgmental (within this context.)

Everybody wants.  Sometimes we get.  Sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we never get (but we really do.)

Maybe everybody gets. But they don’t. Look around.  Take stock.  It might take you a while.  It might take you your entire life! But you did something and it was easy.  You just have to find out what it was, if it’s not immediately in front of your eyes.

If you see something you wanted, you got, where you ended up that was so easy? Keep digging.  There were other things too.

What a Pollyanna Post, huh? No.

That’s why I always like to give some personal examples.

I never finished my BA.  We all called the Degree “Bugger All” anyway because it was basically useless in securing you employment.

But I bloody well resent the fact that I didn’t do it! I dream of having my Ph.D. and wandering the Hallowed Halls of Academia (despite the fact that becoming a professor and staying one at a University is just like only have a BA.)

The whole problem with my “Degree Thing” was a battle between my Bipolar and ADD.  I always say the Bipolar won, but reflecting upon the whole disaster, I think it was a tie.

I have an amazing Therapist who finishes my sentences for me. *laughing*

After a couple of years or so of being bedridden with what was looking like intractable epilepsy? My goddamn seizures have actually been sent to Hades, and I’m diving into Physio to get into Martial Arts! Aces High!

I’VE ACTUALLY SECURED GALLERY SPACE BEFORE A PHOTOGRAPHY SHOWING.  Do you know how ridiculous that is for any artist? It’s totally bass-ackwards! Artists have their work ready to go and then securing space to show? AND SELL? I’d be happy if someone bought one of my photographs for a dollar.

I found a group where I can possibly get my French back. *swoons*  Holy shit.  If I could learn to speak French again after so many years of never using it? What a dream. Are those enough examples? I hope so.

I’m doing my laundry and I’m really tired.  That’s not so easy either.


Hi.  Do whatever you want with your Livers or mine.  Mine’s up to me.  And mine?

I blew a week of sobriety tonight.  And Outpatient Group is tomorrow.

I’m still sitting in the bar where at one (recent) point I was drinking (now?) such heavy amounts of alcohol every day.  

Cheese and Rice! I’m so altered, I have my Senns on but I haven’t pumped up iTunes!

Y’see? Okay.  iTunes.  Goth.

Why am I drinking after that week was so goddamn easy? It was!!!

Work in my apartment that took hours.  My neighbourhood? Exactly the title of the song I’m listening to right now: “Wasteland” (by The Mission UK.”)  There’s nothing here.

Except a Public Library.  But the work was done too late.  Closed.  Only one place to go.  Three to four hours to wait to go home…where I drink…all the time…and recently every day, or if it was closed, a place across the street.

I brought books, notebooks to write…summon the muse…let her summon you…

Within a half hour hour I caved.  But it’s worse.  While I’m typing this to you? I went home.  I smelled my apartment and felt so sick that I was going to be fumigated too…fucking bedbugs…I opened the window, grabbed baby MacBook and headed right back to the pub.

Now I’m over limit.

I’d rather drink until I fall down…that would take?…well, I’ve had four double Vodkas Neat (i.e. no ice, soda or any of that shit–it’s a sipping drink like whisky.)  So eight drinks? That’s past my limit (limit=three.)  Fuck it.

Genetics.  But as a teenager, always the “good girl.”  Sure, the “initiation” to drinking alcohol for the first time, your first hangover.  You’re a total joke when you look back on yourself.

Enter Bipolar.  Not even knowing I was for about seven years? I could drink most men under the table.  I’m not joking.  That’s why I can sit here and and write a blog post to you.  All calm, treated…no, no…my meds are perfect.  Actually, I mean that.  After SO many years, my cocktail is perfect *takes last ounce of vodka as a shot and heads to bar*

Two more shots=drinks etc. yeah, okay, whatever.  And I’m still here writing.  Does it make sense to you? Still? Maybe it never did from the start.  That’s okay.  It never made any sense to me from the start.

Those years.  Seven? Party.  Go out for lunch with colleagues, then do the same after work.  Alcohol was always downed and drowned.  The first thing out of the mouth I heard when I one of new Manager: “I don’t trust people who don’t drink.”

I partied with friends too.  A wonderful friend always said to me, “It sure helps to sleep fast, doesn’t it, PA?” That was during the Fet. Scene but I drank every day, every night.

There were casualties.  Far too many.

I don’t even know if I was one of them.  If so, surely a lesser one.  That’s how I see it anyway.

Cheers.  And a good song running through my Senns…

“But Not Tonight” by Depeche Mode.

When you AD(H)D Stims kick in hard if they’re the right ones or if they’re going to work at all.  I took my first dose of (then) Concerta and I couldn’t believe it! I had a jaunty little step as this song came up on my iPod (perfect?) and I cried.


Okay, fuck this bullshit.  Short Post NOW.  I spent two days with a fried Withdrawal brain to write something, maybe not such trash as this? My mobile ate it.  The WP app. online ate it.  Bite me technology.

My Blog triggers me? Being in the Online World triggers me? PA what the gadamman stupid bile is comin’ outta yer mauth and dribblin’ down yer face now!

What a load of shit! That is the craziest thing I’ve EVER said about taking a break from blogging.  This probably IS therapeutic in some way.  I’m not this ball of total madness and sickness, holed up alone merely staring at things in my apartment.  I just can’t do a lot of stuf…zzzzzzzzzz…

Perhaps a case of the DTs? They’re pretty bad this time around. One really significant sign is if your feeling paranoid.  The word “Paranoid” does not appear in my Mental Dossier.  However, how much external stuff was going on? I made the decision.  It was about me.

Can you be paranoid of yourself? About yourself? I’m not excluding DID folks; they apply in the discussion as well.  I’m just thinking of the raw, basics sort of way.

If there’s anyone out there who knows what it’s like for them to feel paranoid or have ongoing repeated episodes of paranoia, I’d like to hear from you.  Of course this is only if you feel comfortable talking about it! Also, if you want to talk but you don’t want to leave a Comment on my Blog in response here, you can definitely feel free to email me.  No secrets leave my lips so you’ll be safe.  I promise.

So CRAZY PA is back! Be forewarned though.  You’re dealing with a very sick PA.  I’m not looking for sympathy.  I’ve been an alcoholic and an addict for 20 years now.  The best thing is I’m finally going to try and get treatment.  I wish I could back in time for so many apologies, broken hearts, broken trusts and destroyed relationships.

Be Forewarned.  Seriously.  I have no idea what is going to happen here, other places where I’m online.  Also, what could not happen. Perhaps the only thing I do know is that I’ll be very slow.  You will be on earth and I will be circling the rings of Saturn.

Speaking of circling those rings,  this Detox and Withdrawal are bringing out my other diagnoses and mental lunacy to epic proportions as well.  My Asperger’s level? I’m just stimming and doing all those WEIRD Aspie things we can do all the time.  My hypervigilance? I have NO clue how high it is because yesterday felt like a Panic Attack that lasted THE.WHOLE.DAY.  

I’m not joking.  It did feel like that!!! o_O  I also don’t get Panic Attacks.  Some kind of DT-ism/Paranoia-ism?

Okay.  Gravol, Valium, Bed.  Try to rest and be calm as Therapy tomorrow.  Not like she’d care if I’m all SPAZZZYYY and I look like a zombie that’s actually living and doesn’t like to eat heads.  She’s my bloody Therapist! I just want to try and rest for me.

And cuddle up with my Bedbugs.  They make me look like I have hives.  Yay for that too.


To anyone who read it, you have been a victim of my “Drunken Blogging.”  Things can get pretty out of control, and as I result, I speed right past you and pull out my insanity for a Post. WHAM! You’re off to ER if you even have a chance of survival.

If you know me, you’ll say, “Oh, Jesus Christ PA.  Here she goes AGAIN…”

If you don’t know me, and read my Drive-By(s), you will say, “Oh Jesus Christ!!! What the HELLLLL is this place??? I WANT MY MOMMMMMMEEEEEYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!”

I should throw out the pack of cigarettes I bought last night, but it feels soooooo good to have (so far just one) of them with my morning tea.  Idiot PA.  

That single one just made my chest feel like someone lighting a match.  That match was to try and start kindling wood for a campfire.  

That campfire was for an Eight Generation Family Reunion.  It was miraculous they were all still alive and showed up.  

Therefore, they all needed a nice, cozy seat around that campfire. None of them cared if the smoke literally blew straight in their faces, knocking them backwards and upside down off their chairs. They’d just pick them up again to sit back in front of that huge campfire to stay nice and cozy.

I was away for so long.  I vanished from my Blog, Twitter.  I let personal emails to those who know me in PA Land just sit too. The latter was awful.  It felt like I just hit a big “IGNORE” Button.

I’m now back to Blogging about nothing but my health.  I hated that, and it was one of the reasons I disappeared for so long-even to the point of shutting my Blog down altogether.  Well, obviously I didn’t.

However, at this time, it feels like blogging about all of this, Tweeting as well…it’s almost like the online activity is enabling me.

Moreover, I have enough triggers, and just “things” that enable ME.  It’s so bizarre but I enable myself so often.

Good god.  What was I going to say? *stumbles blindly within memory*  Well, I did just “say” some things on Twitter.

Alright.  Let me give you “The Life of PA While She Continues to Drink Every Day.”

WHOO BOY.  Also, it is important to know that she’s going through Detox and Withdrawal while still drinking.  Yes, you can actually do that.

Here we go:

– Stays in bed and does not move ALL DAY–but must do something?

– My television.  Anime with Subtitles because in English it’s awful! READING…ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? MAYBE ONE LINE? That can make the Anime Subs REALLY hard.  I’m surprised the Rewind Button on my Remote Control still works! Anime out the window.  Regular TV? Nothing on and the programming can lick freshly plopped sheep shit.  A movie of my own.  Total Rewind Button again, because I can’t keep up with the plot and what people are saying.

– Actually, a bit of reading: Graphic Novels and Manga are okay, but I reserve them for going out and drinking. Why do I do this? I have no fucking clue.

– I still have my “To Don’t Lists”© but they are COMPLETELY unrealistic.  Therefore, I have reduced them to daily tasks.  I did that one time while still lying in bed.  Does that count as a daily task? While still feeling like the Grim Reaper is coming in 10 minutes?

– Dishes do not get done.  They take up every piece of usable space in my kitchen.  I wash one spoon and one bowl if I need them to eat.  Nothing else.  This lasts forever.  Like washing myself too.  Yep.

– I do not listen to music during the day.  I choose that form of media when coming home from the bar in whatever shape I’m in.  I guess it’s just a “Let’s Keep The Party Going!!!” I have no clue about this either.  And yes, the music is always blasting.

– I forget every.single.thing.  Thank you calendars with reminders on mobiles!!! Unless I forget to put the information in.  #epicepicepicepicDISASTER *wants to cry*

– I’ve shit my pants.  Twice.  Once when I was awake and once when I was asleep.

– I have a very intimate relationship with the bank machine across the street.  I’m just waiting for it to propose with a gorgeous ring!!!

– Two cuttings, one requiring sutures.

– I don’t bother drinking tea (today is the first day in months!) Why bother? I’m just going lie in bed all day.  Time escapes me until…I start to perk up when I usually go out to drink!!! My body now seems in a trap of a pattern of “needing” alcohol? Not good!!! At least I’m not a “Fall Down Drunk.”  Nope.  No injuries to report.

I “think?” that’s enough? I won’t bother getting into more of the Detox and Withdrawal Issues.  No doubt they are playing very big role in this as well as my addiction.

When I’m online, I’m so bloody slow, it takes me hours to respond to a simple email! Time has yet escaped me here? How long have I been simply writing this Post and going on and on…not even proofing or editing at all? About three hours.

This is where I need to vanish yet again.  I’ve spent my entire days and into the evening in PA Land.  Times when I should be trying to maybe get some help.  Some help until I go to my Outpatient Program and then when that is done, Inpatient for three weeks.

Even if I can’t get any, I have to concentrate very hard on my own to fight to do other things.  Like tie myself to my bed! Lock myself into my own apartment, even stop writing here and if I get the musedom, apply it to my own writing.

I’ll be back.  When I can hopefully somehow get some HAAAAAAALLLLLLPPPPP!!!!!!!!! 

Whether it comes from me, hospital etc.  Even if it’s not until Inpatient, you know PA always Blogs from her Hospital Stays.  She can never resist that. *laughing*

Lots of love to you all,
PA


Went out. Couldn’t stop.  Got in a damn near fight.  Want it to stop.  I don’t know how.

Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?


I finally found the way to get me properly treated for all of this alcohol, addiction bullshit (believe me I could use more profane words.)

A long haul.  An appt. early September for a “Consultation.”  That consultation will be two and a half hours.  I’m afraid I might pass out in the middle of it.

From there, I must do one of many types(?) of outpatient treatment.  I have no fucking clue what the hell that means.

52 Pick Up?

The one good thing is that once I start whatever outpatient program, I’m already set up for the 21 Day Inpatient Program.

Totally my aim and what I need for physical, medical and psych needs.

The problem is, that’s a long time away.   After three days of being sober and feeling really strong about it, really determined, I relapsed.  I went out drinking.

I’ve said it.  I’m an addict.  Even further, you can’t trust an addict.

To hell with me being an addict.  If I can’t gain anyone’s trust? A serious reason to live in the bottle.

Although, chicken and egg? Trust with or without the bottle? Trust when I’m so close to the gutter, that person pulls me out?

I’m tired.  Of this.  20 Years.  Half my life.  I don’t know if I can do it.

I know I have to for all of the fucking shit that’s wrong, or not “wrong” with me, but what I grew up with and couldn’t control.

Excuse any typos or statements that might seem contrary to the content.  Still fighting, still failing but exhausted either way.

Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?


There are worse things I could do
Than chug eight drinks, do a cutting or two
Even though I know I’m trashy and no good
In a gutter that’s true too
But there are worse things I could do

I could flirt with every pill
Smile at them and test my will
Pour them all around my bed
Make me think I’m better dead
Then refuse to see it through
A total coward that’s true too

I could stay home every night
Wait around for Sanity’s Flight
My Flights are drinking every day
And throwing my life away
On a “me” that won’t come true

Would you hurt if you’re like me
So much hubris, too blind to see
I always steal and forever lie
But can I feel? Do I bother to cry?
These facts I’ll bet you never knew
But to cry in front of you
That’s the worst thing…

…I’d ruin you…


I can no longer do it on my own. Not llike before? I’m going through so much triggerery shit read now, but so what?

Well, it’s a perfect time for an addict (that would be me!) to completely get run over the bandwagon she I feel off it.
I can’t believe it, but I’m going to ask Sweetie GP to put me into a proper Rehab Facility. That is, in case I don’t change my mind in the morning.

But it’s nagging at me. This feeling that I really need help. No more wake up calls, coming too close to whatever harm or danger. I

It’s like an ache in my bones, and if quitting drinking is the only way to stop it, I have to. Otherwise, I’ll be left in perpetual madness.

And you thought drinking was perpetual madness.

The worst madness is it’s completely fucking up my life. That’s a huge sign you need help.

I’m missing appts, by sleeping in other things I should be on top of easily if I wasn’t drinking. Letting “me” disappear.

I can’t function.

I even shit my pants a couple of times not long ago. NEVER have I done THAT in my alcoholic lifetime.

So I guess I need some help this time around. Even if don’t feel so sick.

Actually, it’s been like I’ve been teleported back a bit to my 20s. Undiagnosed Bipolar and the biggest “Functional Alcoholic” ever.

Now with everything else, the triggers, Damocles, an Albatross, even an Anvil around my neck.

This will be fun. Considering I love going into hospital so much. Let’s not forget any waiting lists for proper treatment facilities either.

Okay. Done.

Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?


As per the last post I wrote (explaining the Neurochemistry of having Epilepsy and quitting smoking) I said I would talk all about that next.  Forgive me.  We must move to another wing of the hospital my body.

I will also be quick.  Still dead tired from the Withdrawal/Detox so that’s rather joyful.  Other things going on apart from that.  More Neurological fun like more Bipolar Cycling so I need to do another med adjustment.  That will start in a week or so.

Now we have this.  I went for a Pulmonary Function Test on my…Birthday! I’m not particularly fond of my Birthday but this one I will NOT forget!

The test was ordered (and I have another one scheduled next week to show more data) simply to check out basic stuff about my lungs.  You breathe funny into a tube in different ways, the tech records it on a computer.  Then he gave me a shot of Salbutamol/Ventolin (I’m already on it so I don’t know about other people.)  Try things again to see if it made a difference.  It did for me.  That’s why Sweetie GP prescribed it.  She’s not stupid.

She is DEFINITELY not stupid.

I got a call a couple of days later.  I thought everything was in perfect order.  Not so much.  I am showing some beginning signs of lung disease.

*silence*  I see.  Or rather, I don’t see.

However, “…it’s just a little…it’s not that bad.  So we’re going to send you to a Lung Specialist and see if we can get you all fixed up!

That was from my Nurse at Sweetie GPs Office.  Yes, my nurse. And my Receptionist.  Structured that way? Or, Illness Membership has its privileges.

I just tried to clean up the tiniest bit of the area on the side of where I sleep on my bed.  My apartment needs to be cleaned like you could never imagine.  It’s never had a proper one since I moved in (and have been sick ever since.)  Then dust and crap just builds and builds (also books and DVDs and other fun things where I have no room to place–except on the floor.)

It’s like I live in a very upscale garbage dump.  Where cleaning actually hurts me.  Therefore…

Why am I NOT using one of my Medical Procedure Masks??? o_O

Hello? They are “Procedural!” I WEAR THEM FOR PROCEDURES REQUIRING PROTECTION!!!   Well, can I blame my melty-brain at the moment? Time for some Ventolin! STAT!!!

Needless to say, I was very(?) surprised about this new “turn of events.)

“Lung Disease?” Tell me what the hell THAT could be? There are loads of them.  You always think the worst though, don’t you? AHHHHHH!!!! Talk to a few people (even though you don’t want to throw this shit on them!) Try and see if someone can calm you down?

Three via email and txt.  Various responses.  Even though she doesn’t read my blog, thank you very much my sister.

Keep you “post”ed folks.  I’m slowly getting back to trying to do online things so Comments to everyone are on the list. I know it’s been a long time when I see 66 Spam Comments sitting in Akismet’s Queue!