Archive for the ‘BPD’ Category
There are worse things I could do
Than chug eight drinks, do a cutting or two
Even though I know I’m trashy and no good
In a gutter that’s true too
But there are worse things I could do
I could flirt with every pill
Smile at them and test my will
Pour them all around my bed
Make me think I’m better dead
Then refuse to see it through
A total coward that’s true too
I could stay home every night
Wait around for Sanity’s Flight
My Flights are drinking every day
And throwing my life away
On a “me” that won’t come true
Would you hurt if you’re like me
So much hubris, too blind to see
I always steal and forever lie
But can I feel? Do I bother to cry?
These facts I’ll bet you never knew
But to cry in front of you
That’s the worst thing…
…I’d ruin you…
Yes, yes. I know. How often does our blood boil when someone asks us how we are doing, and we simply answer, “I’m fine.” Well, I am here to tell you that answer is…actually, quite “fine.” I swear. Cross my fine little heart.
I’m not sure how many of you have seen this film I am about to mention. Although it may not be the most thought provoking, intellectually stimulating, or a piece of cinema to be philosophically debated for generations. Nonetheless, it does deliver an extremely potent message for us all. I am speaking of “The Italian Job” that was made in 2003 (not to be confused with the original from 1969.)
What does it impart that is such an unbelievable gem? It is only within a small piece of dialogue. About what determines “fine.”
F – FREAKED OUT
I – INSECURE
N – NEUROTIC
E – EMOTIONAL
Thus, when we do answer we are “fine” we are telling the exact truth. It really is a perfectly, reasonable response. In knowing this, I think we can all heave a collective sigh or relief and feel a great weight lifted from our shoulders.
However, I see a problem that still exists. This new knowledge is imbalanced (and I am not referring to the acronym.) It almost appears as a “secret.” A sort of “insider information” thing. We know the answer, but what about the person who posed the question (unless it was one of us.) So, it leaves only one choice. We must spread the word! We must tell everyone!
We have to paint it on billboards! Slap it on every form used for transportation! Posters on every street! Take over the Internet as daunting, and even frightening that may be!
Moreover, this must be a global commitment! We all must take part and do our share, no matter how insignificant it may seem. Not-for-profit organizations must be contacted, so please make them aware. Surely there are wealthy individuals who would be willing to offer financial support. Just pause for a moment and think of the possibilities.
I vow to lead this project, but I will need others to form an Executive Team, other individuals who have special skills and experience to serve in their areas of expertise, as well. Please contact me if you are willing to join and serve with me. We WILL make the world understand!
Right. That one about, in doing something, even if it’s microscopic, it will make you feel better. Not today. Maybe I’m just tired.
Right. That one about making excuses. Trying to ignore the fact that the above drives you completely bonkers at times? It feels like it’s constantly being rammed down your throat, like so many other near, ridiculous, sounding platitudes? If you don’t (at the very least), get out of bed, are you an epic failure? Alright, I’ll admit it. That sounds a little harsh. Maybe I’m just tired.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m certainly not suggesting that laying about, never doing anything at all, will do you much good, either. Wow, I’m sounding like I’m making this a pretty black vs. white issue, aren’t I? Maybe I’m just tired.
Fine. I am tired. However, I am doing a lot of practical and personal work (quite a bit yesterday), so why do I not feel one iota “better?”
One thing I’m feeling is a little pissed off! I feel like I’ve been robbed of my “Betterness,” from my achievements. And that’s just not fair dammit! I worked really hard! I am owed my Betterness! In fact, because I worked so hard, I should be feeling a lot of Betterness! Enough to keep the “Betterness Bandwagon,” going!
Right. Because that’s how it really works. *sighs*
So, we can put it all together like an equation. What I’ve done just recently, what I am doing, or have done, today. I’ve taken a Valium just to try and think of how to proceed, and what to do next. I really must be tired. My Valium doesn’t make me want to flop over, and simply stare at various objects. No, it basically turns the anxiety volume down (unless things are really bad!)
The reverse of this makes me go a bit bonkers, too. “Don’t push yourself!” I do agree, because you can have a total crash and burn. Why? Well, you’re obviously on (or close to), some sort of precipice. Otherwise, why would you need to hear the first part? “Just getting out of bed is an accomplishment!”
Alright. So let’s accept the fact that I didn’t get my “Betterness Bonus.” Maybe next time from some “Benevolent Betterness Benefactor.” I suppose I can deal with that–for today.
Now, considering I’m not feeling so hot about all of this, do I push or flop over? Where’s the line? Actually, I need to phrase that in another manner. We’re all different. Our circumstances are all different. Even at different times! Even every time? So, then the appropriate question would be: “Where’s my line?”
At the time of just typing that question, I am having a massive battle in my head trying to answer it. If and when I do get an answer, it may be too late to accomplish anything, anyway.
I’ve wanted to for so long. I’ve been preaching it for so long. I was there for so long before this blog took so many crooked turns and ended up here.
The Med Blogosphere is safer. Science.
Not that Psych and Med can’t be combined.
Lately, things have been nothing but pain.
Maybe we all need a break.
I’ve just gotten home from a really exhausting, anxiety-provoking, off-kilter…you know it…
I didn’t even know if I could pull it off, but no choice! Hobble, hobble to Non-Arsey Neuro!
I forgot some forms for the stoopid guvmunt when I saw him the other day. When I called this morning, “Come in anytime! He’s here until 3:00 p.m.!”
*PA immediately freezes*
Anyway, I just went to one person’s blog and I read their three most recent posts. They were unbelievably shocking in comparison to some I’ve written. Perhaps with slightly different details here and there, but it didn’t matter so much. Also, the comments? Due to both, there was no way on earth I could say a peep! I felt if I did, well, I don’t know!
I just sat there reading everything, and how it sounded like me and things I’ve done. Serious stuff, and so many commenters were already freaking out! If I said anything, I might drop some kind of bomb, or say something stupid? The other commenters who were on fire would end up hating me? I’d get banished from the blogosphere?
Well, alright. But it really was all too much to bear. It wasn’t just like reading a heavy duty post. It was like someone else living and writing my life!
It reminded me of another blogger that I knew, as well. A post they had written a long time ago that got me thinking about the above. When I read THAT one over again???
Wow. I feel like those four posts have just given me a sucker punch to the gut by a 300lb. guy wearing lead gloves. Not that it’s anyone’s fault!
I can’t write any more about this. I’m just going to make it worse by going around and around and around… Because that’s what happened. It’s messy, and it’s kinda messed with my already messed up head, and made it even more messed up, so who knows what future messes I’ll create! You see? Around and around and around…
Which apparently I am not doing so successfully. I took a Valium earlier. Pfft. Then I took some Gravol. Self-medication, anyone? Well, trust me. After the last 72hrs, you’d be doping your own heads up with anything you could get your grubby (or clean) little hands on!
It is truth and not rumour, that I have been discharged from the Funny Farm. That was on Tuesday. However, things have been far from relaxing and peaceful. Quite the opposite! To the nth degree of opposite, if we could have degrees of opposites! I will refrain from boring you with that minutiae, however. I will only continue to bore you with this post.
Sometimes you just gotta crash. So, there I was, laying in my bed, thinking: ‘What can I do to make myself happy?’
Alright. First, am I unhappy? *pauses* I don’t know. I could be. In fact, I could be a lot of things, but I can’t tell. The only thing I can tell, is that I’m bloody exhausted! I think I can probably tell that’s why I can’t tell how I feel. *nods*
But forget me being too tired to know what’s going on. Let’s say I did. Let’s say you did. Fine. We’re all laying about, going crashy-crashy for whatever reason. Feeling in whatever state we feel. Why then, is that eternal question asked? “What can I do to make myself happy?”
I’ve got a good answer. NOTHING. I’m serious! What is wrong with going crashy-crashy and feeling whatever the hell it is your feeling? Even if it totally sucks? Why do we have to be both “Happiness Dealers” standing on seedy street corners, waiting for the other half of us, the “Happiness Junkies.”
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not “selling” or “pushing” the idea that we all mope around, or start throwing fits, or whatever suits your particular feeling. There are just times when I think we don’t deal with them so well. We avoid them too often when they need to be acknowledged. Especially when it gets ugly for us. When it hurts, when it’s scary, so many other things like that.
It may take practise. A lot of it. No doubt. We may need to try and kick our “Happy Habits.” We may also need to try and learn not to let things get too out of hand, as well. Either way, learning to just sit–even for a brief period–with our feelings is worth it. You’ll reap the reward in the long run.
Why do we have such a problem with this? Why can some of us never do this? If we’re such stigma busters, why do we find it so easy doing it for others, but not for ourselves?
All we may end up doing is busting our own teeth to bits of dental shrapnel with steel jaws of silence. Busting our own stomachs into holes with repeated uppercuts of pain we feel we deserve. Busting our own hearts to shreds with guilt, shame and denial.
I don’t want to belabour the beatings I’ve been giving myself lately. However, I don’t think I can be too successful, there. I need them to serve as examples. At least to a degree?
When I write all of those things, to a lot of people (to a lot of you!) I’m sure it can seem very tiring. Also, annoying, pitiful and like never ending cries for help. Probably like a lot of attention seeking behaviour, too. Even this post may sound a lot like that!
When I write in that manner, it is a cry for help! Though, of a different sort? I want to help myself but I don’t know how. It is also “attention seeking behaviour.” Though, in a different way, as well? Something inside me desperately needs attention.
Just like trying to help myself, I get so lost and don’t know how to find whatever it is that needs attention. Then I think, even if I could find it, would I know how to attend to it? What attention to give it? Maybe I sometimes do manage to figure it out, but I’m still too lost to know what to do about it. Does anyone else feel the same?
I definitely welcome any “help” or “attention” from others. Perhaps if people still struggle with those words and the phrases that surround them above, better words could be: support, recognition, empathy, validation. I’m not sure. Playing Jeopardy with the semantics of psychology is a game that could last a person’s entire life.
Coping mechanisms, strategies, reinforcement of all types of things one can learn to deal with their issues are all good. Still, they are very hard to put into practice—and keep practising. Not that they should be thrown out the window altogether, but I feel “learning” tends to have a very slim chance vs. “unlearning” a lot of the time. Again, does anyone else feel the same?
Either way, for all of us who stigmatize ourselves, we’ve got to somehow get this mental (un)health albatross free from our necks before it chokes us to death. I wish I could offer a solution but I’m still looking.
This thought came to me today. In a rather abstract fashion?
Actually, pretty much everything’s rather “abstract” in my world, right now. I’ve found myself in quite a state (again.) And so it goes…? Indeed. If only it didn’t have to go…anywhere? Except away! I’m working on that, though. I’m fucking drowning, and if I don’t start yanking every last stubborn, strand out of my being, I’m not gonna make it! I need to gain some goddamn clarity, and I need do it now! I need to “extract” the “abstract.”
So, that thought up there? Did I manage to extract anything from it? Well, I do know I am capable of crossing other peoples’ boundaries. I can’t count the number of times I’ve done it! Unintentionally, of course. Nonetheless, the deed has been done; the consequences suffered.
Arguably, some of the worst transgressions one could do to another would be to lie, cheat, steal? What then, would that look like if we did that to ourselves? I can think of some examples. What about you? I bet you can. I can even think of a pretty good word to fit some of them: Denial. Hang on to that one, for a minute. Still, fair enough. We can cross our own personal boundaries.
Next question. Knowing that to be true, is it intentional or unintentional? Are we aware that we are doing these things to ourselves? That’s maybe a bit of a toughie.
I think it would depend a lot upon the amount of insight that we have about our own personal beings. If you don’t know what “law” you are breaking in the first place, then presumably it would be “unintentional?” However, might you quickly learn due to the consequences of your actions, “Oh, shit!” Thus, by doing it again (…and again…and again…you may need several lessons), you finally clue in that you’re screwing yourself over big time?
Repeating those actions? Ahhhh… Are you still struggling with the intentional or the unintentional, question? Well, we can always come up with excuses. Excuses are reasons, yes, but they are also the cornerstones of denial. Eventually, you have to own up for your behaviour. It can be an extremely, painful process. But it is an absolutely, necessary one.
Turn it around to crossing boundaries with others. Do you want to be some irresponsible, asshole? Never apologize for hurting someone else’s feelings? Well, that is your choice. It is also your choice to treat yourself in the same manner. True, it is very easy (at least for me), to be an unapologetic, asshole to myself! I refuse to be that way to others, though.
From the (and I won’t say arguably as it is?) the most historically, debated publication ever written: The Bible! An excerpt from The Lord’s Prayer:
“…forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us…”
We need not practise any religion to heed this. We only need to note that we definitely can commit transgressions against ourselves, and cross our own personal boundaries. Perhaps we should all try to work on that, just as hard as avoiding crossing other peoples’ boundaries. I know I could probably benefit from it.
Ah, that old cliche. Do any of us want to hear it? It popped into my head this afternoon, though.
I’ve been kind of sick, lately. However, more than “kind of” today! My gastro symptoms have come back with a vengeance. I’m actually quite amazed how much, in fact. I am in so much pain, so nauseous, so dizzy, I want to pass out. I want to cry. Maybe I should. Maybe I will.
I could barely make it through class, today. I have no clue what I must have looked like. Some kind of homicidal maniac? I explained to the Instructor what was wrong during break. She said I could go home, but there was no point. I was already there. Just wait it out, go when class was done. Immediately after stumbling through the door, some Gravol/Dimenhydrinate for the nausea, but nothing for the pain. Perhaps some gingerale to burp and release any gas? That can help, at times.
When I first became so sick several years ago, it was right out of the blue, no one could make any sense of it, I had so many signs and symptoms, I could have had any diagnosis imaginable! The worst sign was a massive loss of weight, that occurred so quickly, it resulted in app. 10-15lbs. in two weeks! Prior weight loss had occurred, but I ended up at 90lbs. That worst sign resulted in the worst, possible diagnosis: cancer.
Obviously, I do not have that. I would have been blogging about it, and I would be more ill than I certainly am now! Not to mention, gastric cancer is fatal. That would also suggest that I may not be here period, since this blog is almost three and a half years old!
The mortality rates for gastric cancer are unbelievably low–and certainly for the latter stages–usually when it is caught, because signs and symptoms rarely present before those stages. Also, it metastasizes significantly to other organs and bodily systems. Also, it does not respond to treatment very well; be it surgery, chemotherapy or radiation. It is still widely considered as the second most common form of cancer that causes death worldwide (the first being lung cancer.)
Not all of my signs and symptoms are back. This is both a good and a bad thing. Before, I never received an “official,” medical diagnosis. It was simply that my lower intestine was not functioning properly. Gastro Man and I did have a solution for that, and it did work. Nonetheless, nothing is a panacea, so we knew there was always a chance for me to get sick again.
Now, “the good?” Well, it means that I’m not so sick at the moment (okay, literally at the moment, I’m pretty sick!) “The bad?” There is a cluster of my current signs and symptoms that were not present before. This also comes with what you may wish to call: “a subcategory of good vs. bad.” It may lead to a concrete, medical diagnosis. This is “good,” as you know what you’re dealing with, so you can hopefully treat it. But it can be “bad?” Just what may that diagnosis be?
My “cluster?” Well, it’s not looking so…”good?” It may certainly be looking like “something,” as well. I am eating regularly, I am defecating regularly, but I have lost a significant amount of weight. How significant? I never regained all that I lost, and subsequently remained at 100lbs. That’s not a lot to play with. I am now down to about 93lbs. That 7lbs. may not sound like much, but it is! Also, it has been fast!
The above doesn’t make sense. Why? If I’m eating and the food is making its way through my body, why the drastic weight loss? I’m not starving myself. It would “appear” that my body is working properly if I am having regular bowel movements. Stress? Come on! Stress may make me drop a couple of pounds, but this much?
This could mean other things (as it actually does point to some medical diagnoses), or it could be my “unofficial” diagnosis rearing its head, again. And it’s not that I am being a hypochondriac, alarmist, depressive, pessimistic or anything like that. The thought just seeped into my mind on the way home today, while feeling so utterly and wretchedly ill–exactly like years ago. Cancer.
How difficult it certainly is to try and do what I have written above. “Treat Every Day As If It Were Your Last!” A tall order when you are chronically ill, mentally, physically or both. Still, think for a minute and imagine doing it. I know if we could, well, the impact it would have on us seems clear? Maybe when we get a second or two, in between all of the moments of madness that comprise so much of our lives, we can pause and remember this idea.