Archive for the ‘Cancer’ Category

So, here’s the deal with this rather fun adventure.  More “adventure/s” to come?

I’m feeling selfish and guilty about a lot of fucking things right now.  Things that are important to me (this blog included.)  Yes, yes, my health comes first, but try explaining that to my head.  My brain doesn’t work that way–even though my body ends up convincing it that it does–because my body just gives up.  Period.  But I am on the mend.  I think?

I went back to hospital, called Emergency Services as I was getting sicker.  Back into Isolation!

There were other things I had neglected to tell them.  More falls I didn’t mention (one that resulted in some urinary incontinence as I was going to the bathroom in the night!) Massive memory loss, as well.  Feelings of Neuropathy (damage to nerves in certain places of the brain.)

I had numbness and tingling in my face from my nose down to my chin.  Then, one night, some in my left forearm that went from numbness to pain.  More pain? Tendons can just “pop” or get damaged in other ways.  I was in pain with certain joints.  A lot of issues besides, but some weren’t even mentioned under the “Extremely Rare” category.  Well, that’s me!

When I got home from hospital from the first Isolation round, I took a fall on the floor and had no idea how it happened. I was putting on jammies, unpacking, taking my meds, getting ready for bed.  The next thing, I found my kitchen step stool opened when it was closed, and me lying on the floor below it.  No clue, no memory, nothing.  Can you say concussion?

Because I had a bit of a bump on my bean and some bruising around one of my eyes.  But glasses area good thing! They have been for me, as mine are very solid.  They’ve absorbed the impact of my falls first, before my head has! *laughing*  No, I’m serious!

Anyway, back to what is/was “wrong” with me.  Side effects of the medication prescribed.  Which could very well be true.  On my long list of problems, there were some under the “Rare” category.  This drug is like, I don’t know! Some kind of missile, to kill whatever is killing you.  That said, because it made me so sick, recovery time could be very slow.

However, I never received an actual “diagnosis!” What the hell made me so sick in the first place, and what happened? What’s going on with my body?

From what it treats, I don’t think I had the most serious two: plague and anthrax.  Nobody is dropping like flies all over the place, and I don’t think I dispelled one of largest Urban Myths when I went to pick up my mail a few weeks ago.  So, perhaps an extremely intense, over-the-top, near-death Pneumonia? Which it does treat–but you must have to be pretty bad off to have them give it to you?

I hate to complain folks but I’ve been bedridden in some way since LAST JUNE.  I’m getting a little tired (bad pun) of this.  I know it seems counterintuitive for me to post, rather than do Twitter stuff and comments.  Throwing up posts and writing like this is easier.  The others require more thought.  My brain tends to run out of steam.  I want to do things correctly.  If that makes any sense.  Because I want to make sense!

Since I am basically immobile, my mom and her husband picked me up.  Her husband has cancer so he’s up and down.  But kind of up right now to make the trip.  A bit of a drive to my place.  Oh, this is priceless.  I got a hysterical call from my mother saying she “She needed me!” just as I was about to call Emergency Services.  Well, not what I needed to hear at the time but I can understand.

I think she’s keeping me captive here too.  She wants me around as it’s a nice break from her own insanity.  I guess being here is okay.  I don’t know how I feel about it really.

I’ve said this before.  I’ve never had a mother because she was so mentally ill.  I had to parent my parents.  A soon I became an adult, I said, “Fuck it!” and got outta dodge.

I now have a mother.  After never having one.

It’s been that way since this last year and a half.  I don’t know if being so sick trumps my PTSD while staying here or not.  I’m also sitting in another in another room listening to the both of them talk…overstimulation? I don’t know what to do.

OH.NO.  Unexpected visitors just arrived.  This day might be blown, we still have to do more things, I didn’t bring enough Clobazam. *hangs head and now longs for peace and quiet*

Well, folks.  Where to begin? I’ll save the best for last!

I have already expressed my concerns about the possibility of having cancer.  I will emphasize “possibility.”  There could be other things, and hell! I could end up with another “who knows what the good, goddamn thing’s about!”

I received a call from my mother who said verbatim: “I trust you and your knowledge more than the doctors.”  My mother does not read my blog! So, I guess she has now reached the conclusion that I am Dr. PA.  Or Dr. <insert real name.>

Regardless, her husband has prostate cancer and suddenly, took a turn for…? I was astonished at the variety of signs and symptoms she was telling me.  I dared not say a thing about certain organs affected and other areas of physiognomy.  The biggest being neurological problems!

Not to sound callous, but if he dies, fine.  My more immediate concern is where on earth will my mother go? They have no money.  Finally, due to their stressors regarding his cancer, I am not saying a word about my own personal concerns of having esophageal cancer.

My sister.  I don’t care if she thinks she has the hugest case of peri-menopause ever seen by medical specialists the world ’round.  My insane mother is now acting more sane than my non-insane sister.

To cut to the chase and try not to keep this post 1,000,000 words long (which it could very well be anyway!) I called her and told her of my medical concerns as I wish her to be my Executrix and handle all Directives etc.  She’s known this forever, but now a bit of advance notice? Just in case something does turn up?

I may have hit a nerve, but let’s be real.  She began pitying me for my constant health problems but she just “let’s things go now…”  Excuse me? The last time I checked, being remotely peri-menopausal does not make you lose your senses of sympathy or empathy.  There was an accusation about a funny (tried to be!) message I left on their home VM.  She said she thought I was drunk so just ignored it.  What the bloody, huh?

I tried to repeat what I was saying and then she just started screaming at me, “NO! NO! NO!” Time to end the call.  Which I politely and maturely did.  Then, I immediately sent off an email to clear some things up and also say we never even got a chance to talk about the GOOD stuff in my life! We don’t communicate often and most certainly not as often as we used to in the past.

Number Four.  Non-Arsey Neuro will not increase my Clobazam past my current 100mg.  I have told him I have steadily been making progress.  However, I’m still sick, going mental and having seizures when the Typical Absence Status Epilepticus intervals hit.  I broke down crying and freaking and yelling at him as he said I’ll be fine on this amount.  I’ll get better.

I’ve been on it since February.  Now, I am being referred to a large, and highly regarded neuroscience centre here at one of our hospitals.  Fine.  I’ll do anything they want! Nonetheless, I am now pondering the fact that I may have intractable epilepsy.

Ohhhh, the kicker!!! Kick indeed.  As in, “KICK YOU OUT OF MY LIFE!!!” Part of me still can’t believe it.  I keep picking up my mobile and looking for a flashing light.  Oh, is that you? I must have been away from my mobile.  It’s not done in an obsessive way.  Not at all! It’s done out of habit.  Because we talked to each other (even just via txt) every day.

P.  My friend P. who I’ve known for five years…with never any blowouts, blowups (unless slight but then an immediate apology–usually words said out of care that went awry.)  P. has given me a massive “FUCK YOU!!!”

Via text.  It was so violent and malicious in its wording! He was accusing me of things I had never, ever done! I jumped right back on it and I guess you can probably imagine what I said! And that I loved him! He knew that too! Nothing.  It gets “better” though.

I later heard that he was talking to his therapist for a while about doing this.

I went positively mad.  Completely out of my head.  Two days of non-stop PTSD dissociation.  I’ve experienced a few hours and one full day before, but that prior full day was NOTHING compared to this!!!

It was so bad, when I went to see my therapist and she called my name, I just sat there staring at nothing.  Did I hear it? Did I hear some of it? Did it just not register? She said it again a bit louder.  I turned my head slowly in her general direction but I wasn’t looking at anything.  I couldn’t make any eye contact through our session, until I finally left and slowly again, lifted my head in her head’s direction.  I saw her face for about two seconds and she was smiling at me.

P.  I just don’t get it! If he would only sit down and maturely discuss things! EXPLAIN things!!! Tell me what’s going on!!! God, I’d be MORE than happy to do that!

Which may seem counterintuitive to my choices for the MP3 Series.  My feelings have gone from extremely angry to absolute depression to even forgiveness for what he’s done.

“Bitch” by Apoptygma Berzerk

“The Things You Said” by Depeche Mode

“Temperamental” by Everything But The Girl

A funny phrase from my ex-friend J.  It was always hauled out in reference to things being “broken” that were so necessary, but rendered useless.  This always resulted in pure frustration.  Construction work being done that screwed up any way of travelling.  Renovations of stores that people needed where there were no alternatives within reach.  You get it.

Well, my blog? Maybe not “Under Destruction.”  “Under Construction?” “Under Malfunction?” Yes.  I like that one.

My blog is forthwith: Under Malfunction

But bugger me! Comments! Twitter! I still haven’t…  I want to say yes, as always I will get back to you, but what if I can’t? Every single one of you who I haven’t responded are still so important.  I will try.  Very hard.

What this post is about is that I need to leave.  Who the hell knows for how long? But it’s the cancer.  Or strong possibility of it.  Or Barrett’s Esophagus that is pretty freaky, but a little bit better (just a very little bit, perhaps?)

Could it be nothing? Well! A whole chicken coop of eggs on my face! Still, I wouldn’t complain.  All the chickens could shit over my entire body to boot!

I even ‘fessed up to my mom whose father died of it, and she then went off the deepest end of immeasurable mental insanity within five minutes.  Well, I guess if you can deal with your daughter trying to top herself, ending up in the ICU for three days, yet still coming out of it, is cancer such a big deal? I just about fell to the floor from her “non-reaction.”  Okay.

So I’m a bit messed up.  There are days when I’m good, even great.  Yes, while still pondering this and my life, my mortality.  Tonight? Not so.

I’m starting to disclose to a hell of a lot more people, some I barely know.  I don’t fucking care.  I told a bunch tonight.  I do care for them, but FYI.  This is the deal if I start bursting into tears for no reason.  Yeah?

Looking up at the sky earlier after the sun had set, I kept telling myself, “I refuse to waste a minute, no, not even a second of my life from this point on.  No.”  I kept saying it over and over in my head.  How do I do that?

I’m still nuts, totally batshit crazy, and an epileptic nightmare.  Perhaps that’s why my blog needs to go Under Malfunction.

My last post. Sounds more like I was on a seriously, heavy heroin dive.


There was a point to it. There is a point to it. So, appeal to my Buddhist books when I know goddamn well what’s going on?

Yeah. No shit, Sherlock. Release.

The (possibility of) cancer.

Pondering my mortality of late. A lot. But some of these things (at least one I remember) happened before I knew any of this. But it was way up there on the “Most Extremely Beautiful Things In My Life List.”

All of what is happening I can write about, or will, but in small doses. Maybe? Yes, probably best that way. So much.

Just, was it yesterday? The day before?

I can barely interpret what this  professional artist said to me. I’m on my mobile right now so I can copyright it later! This is too precious. Even if dumb, Aspie PA still is confused by it. Excellent writing fodder!

We talked about a class she was teaching. Visual. Not my strength beyond some photography? Then further.

I had to tell her of my psych issues as they affect my perception. And as such, these are what I can do, but these others?

She sat quietly for a moment and then said this:

“You’re an angel trapped outside your own body.”

I didn’t know if I should run screaming from her store (I sure wanted to!) but I just said thank you.

So there’s a taste? It is happening everywhere, out of nowhere. It is very, very good but also overwhelming as I am sick.

Been meaning to buy it for sooo many years. “Tibetan Book of the Dead” in English meaning. It guides you through the Bardos, Buddhist stages of living your current life and body behind.

Sorry, not explaining this so well, I don’t think. That means I’m tired and should stop writing.

Posted from WordPress for Android

No.  Not that word.  Although, not so offensive to the Scots.  “What the fuck ya doss…”

No cause for alarm! Unfortunately, you may still be alarmed. I’ve been going over this for some time with a few outlets.  I can’t always to get to them and…I’m going out of my mind? Blog? Scream it out to the entire world as an outlet?

The “C” word.  Cancer.  But not confirmed! However, my gastro problems have worsened to a degree, that indicates some possible problems in that area.  Or at best, some huge Red Flags. 

The resurfacing or my problems are not my regular issues from the past.  They are also getting worse.  I even thought I saw occult blood from my GERD as it shot of my esophagus.  Meaning, more precisely, internal bleeding re: my esophagus.

There’s a lot more to say about this.  In fact, it’s relatively new for me as well–to have all of this happen–so fast.  Also, because it is localized to just my esophagus, not as before, this is again (potentially?) more serious.  Years ago, my signs and symptoms were all over the map.  I will continue to blog about all of this, of course.  So, I have added (no brainer) a new Category: Cancer.

Yes, let’s hope not.  However, there is something else that it could be that is also not very good at all.  I’ll get into the med geeky later.  I can get into family history later, too? PTSD because of that, as well? This is rather messy.

I’ve been trying to keep even, but I won’t even be seeing Gastro Man for about a month.  That will be just be a chat.  Then we need to approach testing, booking the gastroscopy, and hell, he may even want to do another colonoscopy.  Let’s hope not as I am in enough pain that won’t stop, and the prep for a colonoscopy is extremely brutal.

But PA not keeping so even.

I was thinking the other day, am I afraid? I felt sort of numb.  Then I had enough sense (or a tiny bit of something) rose to the surface.  Yes.  I am afraid.  Why, I can’t pinpoint.  Definitely, PTSD.  A lot of explaining there.  My current life situation? My health as it is? Oh, bugger.  Separate thoughts, but more PTSD.

Psychological? Can any of you see how this is building? I’m still struggling with losing the Clobazam for the Typical Absence Status Epileptics.  It’s been a full year now and some improvement slowly.  But I’m still seizing and my moods are yet precarious at times.  Not to mention, when I read some things from months ago, all of these symptoms etc. were in existence.

I don’t (and have never) considered myself a hypochondriac.  Much worse, a cyberchondriac! No.  I’m a med geek who has enough knowledge to research the fuck out of anything and apply it to my own body–and knowing my own body.  Let’s not forget, I was going to pursue a career in medicine too, right?

So, I can do the the “Yes, No, Maybe So, Dance.”  I can also twirl around and say, “Hell, I don’t think so.”  Pretty far a stretch even if…

Any type of Gastric Cancer has an extremely high mortality rate.  Most people think that lung cancer is the biggie.  Nope.  Surprise.  And not a good surprise.  Sorry, guys.