Archive for the ‘Cutting’ Category


I mentioned on Twitter that it might, might be time for me to hang up my Blogging Hat.  Or, to say stop my Blogging Hands.  That would be more appropriate.

It’s not an ongoing, forever-we-experience, Blogging Crisis.  It’s not Writer’s Block.  I could think of many things to write about.

Things have changed.  Some that are easy(ier) to explain, some I don’t know if I can, but I’ll try.  Some I don’t even know if I can explain to me!

My Blog has been up for nine years.  I don’t know how long any measurement that means.  In terms of living, averages of any kind, but that’s pretty irrelevant, I think.

I mentioned the word, “living.”

Are Blogs really living entities? I believe the answer is a very firm, no.  We MAKE them living entities.

I made an analogy on Twitter as well, regarding the “feelings” between both my Blog and me, as a person.  I said, “I feel like I have phantom limb pain.”

It’s true.  Something has been severed.  The “living entity” I have created, that which was so connected to me…  It’s not anymore…  But to what degree, and even what part of my body, I do not know…yet.

Despite still writing a bit more, I have been tremendously unhappy with my Blog.  The beginning of things being severed? There were times I couldn’t even look at it.  Now, things seem so, terribly disjointed and I can’t fix them.

I definitely don’t expect you to understand that last sentence!

Does reading my Blog make me cry? *laughing* Of course not! It’s my life!

Thinking about my life might make me cry, but my entire life isn’t on my Blog.

The only times I’ve cried reading my Blog was years ago.  I would receive these Comments from utter strangers.  They would pour their hearts out to me and tell me I literally saved their lives.

I would sit and bawl my eyes out.  Why me? Who am I? I didn’t say anything? It took a LONG time to respond to people like that! But they were few.  I’m not being egotistical.

I write a lot about having no life.  Well, I do.  We all do.  Perhaps not as we’d always like it, but you can’t escape the fact.

How many hours have I Blogged, read other Blogs, spent time on Twitter when that came along later.  How about all day and all night?

At the time it felt just fine.  Really? Not so really. 

That’s not healthy.  I mean, for me it isn’t.  It’s an unhealthy escape.  Too easy to muck about when I need to focus on getting myself at least somewhat together.  Also, that “somewhat” is just a start.

How long has it been since I really got into my own writing? I mean really got into it? I have SO many unfinished projects, I haven’t sent any Submissions to anyone in ages. *sighs*

Am I done? I sure feel done.  This Post has been exhausting to write.  Difficult, too.  Don’t cry, PA!

*teardrops*

But for now, I’m still here.  I haven’t made a final decision. 

Maybe Dr. PA can perform some surgery on both sides; to mend herself and reattach what she brought to life and into this world.

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Someone might be checking me out now.  Looking at my blog to find out more about me.  I’m not sure.

But that’s okay.  In fact, it’s great! I want you to know me!

However, if you are looking at my Blog and checking me out, know that I am SO much more than these words.

If you are reading, I hope you see this.  If you took a look and don’t come back? I’ll be so mad of not thinking of this sooner!

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It took me a while to figure this out. 

If you feel like something is wrong with your health, have a diagnosis where you need help because things are a bit unstable.  What should you ALWAYS do?

Track things! Get a calendar, mark things down like a journal and monitor every and all changes! It doesn’t matter how small.

There were so many variables that took me so long.  The largest being my head such a disaster.  Head injuries can, to whatever degree, turn you into a wreck.  I still have both retrograde and anterograde amnesia from one.

A few episodes happened when I was discharged, but I didn’t clue in to write down dates.  They also just resolved with time.  Not a lot of time either.  Maybe two hours at most, and they were hardly as intense as before.

Everyone was still so focussed on a stroke at first, waiting for me to get my MRI, see its results…  That was going to take a month or more

Recently, I had two other episodes. They were one day after the other.  I certainly need to journal or track that!

The second one wouldn’t resolve after five hours, and was almost as bad as the one that sent me to hospital originally in July.

I finally broke down and went to hospital as I just couldn’t stand it anymore.  Yes, I am a VERY stubborn patient.  Don’t be like me!

I hadn’t thrown up like the first time, but guess how the Paramedics found me? Hunched down down on my knees with my head hung over the the toilet bowl. 

They gave me this traveling vomit bag.  It wasn’t completely a bag though.  It had a cardboard “box” at the top.  It was shaped like a Chinese Food Take Away Carton.

No offense to my Asian readers, here.  I mean it.  However, I couldn’t hold back from making a joke to one Paramedic and say, “This is what they give you when you have too much Chinese Food and it makes you sick.”

I was taken to a different hospital. Now, to treat the symptoms and “make me more comfortable” even though I was dying in pain.  Are you kidding me? 

Although, I actually passed out.  Are you seriously kidding me?

IV Fluids.  Standard.  IV Toradol which is an anti-nauseant.  I’ve had it before and it’s made me feel nice and floaty, but never knocked me out! Are you curiously kidding me?

Some other thing strung up and pumped into me.  I can’t remember what it was so maybe that doped me.  Are you illegally killing me?

Finally some Steroid. It was shot in liquid form, into my mouth via a syringe.  Are you weirdly killing me?

It was for “Rebound Pain” over 72 hours.  Okay.  Now you are RIDICULOUSLY AND STUPIDLY KILLING ME!

This is the best hospital in our city.  I want to go there ALL the time.  It’s only that they didn’t know the history (now irrelevant) and how to treat me properly (now irrelevant.)

Although, I will be going back to an EYE CLINIC they have there.  Yes, Clinic.  Not just some Dr. Who Knows.  I think even a Neuro Opthamologist.  Awesome!

Does anyone out there remember my TASE? Typical Absence Status Epilepticus? If you don’t, you can search for the Horror Show on the rest of my Blog.

It was catamenial.  That means, to do with your Menstrual Cycle and even days surrounding it.  I was lucky enough to have ditto for Ovulation.

Well, now I’m having the same with migraines.  I’m on my period now and those two one day after another? That second one where I had to go back to hospital?

Nothing has cleared up yet.

With this now in mind, I can EASILY track all the others from dates of my cycles.

This is a disaster.  More than.  Sweetie GP has been on vacation for the month of August.  I have an appointment soon.  She’ll probably agree with me:

WE HAVE TO GET YOU TO YOUR NEW GYNECOLOGIST FOR THAT PARTIAL HYSTERECTOMY NOW!!!

No kidding.  I have to stop getting my period! Moreover, I won’t even bring my anemia and how bad that is into all of this.

Also, Non-Arsey Neuro is going to call me as he’s away for a bit now too.  Stupid Summer Vacations! *laughing*

I will be suffering for a long time.  None of this will be resolved anytime soon.

I have to try for some kind of stopgap.  My Triptans can’t handle this.  I’m going to ask him about Ergotamines.  They might be VERY good for this in terms of how they work.  The dose schedule, no contraindications or med interactions for me.

Another neat thing about some is they can ease menstrual flow.  But I don’t know if that would happen for me at too high a dose.

There is a specific Ergot derivative to do this actually! It’s called “Ergometrine.”  However, it’s not used to treat migraines

So, that’s that. 

I think this needs to be handled ASAP.  If these migraines are bad enough to give a stroke presentation, and they will continue to happen on a regular basis? What (else) might they be doing to my brain?

I already have so many comorbidities.  Right now I’m living in a perpetual state of a very significant TBI. One that already affects so much of my daily functioning. 

It also does bring out features of my other comorbidities now that I think of it.  Absolutely.

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In my last Post I said I was going to AA.

That entire prospect is scaring the shit out of me right now.  My head is spinning and racing, questioning, “WHAT IF IT DOESN’T WORK???”

Intellectually, I know that’s entirely stupid.  Joining a support group isn’t going to magically make my addiction problems disappear.  But I’m still freaking out about going.

I’m so fucked up with my addiction problems and going to AA, I’m now at the point of of being suicidal.  Oh, fab PA.  Just fabbo.  Layer it on.

And I mean ACTIVELY SUICIDAL. 

Fuck doing a cutting.  That hasn’t, or hadn’t, entered my mind since I’m writing about it here.  I honestly have no desire to do a cutting.  Just kill myself.

Oh, and forget going to hospital!

“Hi. I want to kill myself.  I was going to do it tonight but I came here for help instead.”

“Why do you want to kill yourself?”

“Because I’m an addict and I want to go to AA, but I’m totally petrified of it and me not getting better and the only thing I can see is offing myself in the next five minutes!”

BANG! Straight into some Detox Hell I go, with no Psych or Medical needs…well, that I need!

Obviously not an option.  Well, to admit myself.

OD? I have so many pills left over from extra refills and when I was trying to get my seizures and moods under control from losing my Clobazam for so long.

Think about it kids.  I was UNDERMEDICATED FOR YEARS.

No wonder I was so fucked up! That’s why I’m now on huge doses of my other two.

Turn (CRANK!) up the volume to maybe save this girl? Nobody knew for sure but some magic did occur.

All the seizures stopped.  It’s been about a year and a half.  My Anticonvulsants do double duty.  Epilepsy and Bipolar.  That’s why I was also going out of my mind for so long as well!

Moods okay too.

Except now.  I’m not cycling.  At least I don’t think so because nothing before the serious business about AA.  The suicidal thoughts? I feel better now that I’m Blogging about it.

So, no.  I’m damn near the fastest Ultradian Cycler of the Bipolar Ultradian Clan.  I’m like a Revolving Door.  In and out, roundabout in 24-48 hours. 

It’s almost a blessing in disguise.

Okay.  I barfed, or bled, or shit all over the screen for you here.  My selection would be shit.

Thanks for reading.

Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?


First, I’d like to say a MASSIVE “THANK YOU!” to all of the new people–and all the others–the “old?.” *laughing*

But thank you so much for all of your new Blog Follows, your Post Likes, and Twitter Follows as well.  I am not boasting or trying to sound vain.  I never do that.  Unless I’m writing so crazily (or not?) about something, it might come across that way.

The point I’m trying to make, is that there have been so many of you.  I can’t keep track! My Inbox can get flooded and I can’t check all of you out! I want to, but on the mental market? I’m not the latest cyborg for sale.  I’m used and a refurb where the Techs didn’t do such a good job.

So I’m sorry for that.  However, I do have everything neatly organized and filed.  I can find all of you, so when I get… *sighs*

My blog sucks, as of late too.  I have a theory about all of you new people; why you’re flying all around my head, then eventually landing straight on it!

NOTE: I am in no way comparing my New Followers like any annoying insects.

My theory is, you are stumbling upon Posts from the past.  You read them, and think, “Hey! This chick’s really groovy ‘n keen ‘n lots of other ‘n stuff.   Or ‘n AWESOME one! This chick’s really out there ‘n I have no clue what sort of person but I’m kind of confused ‘n scared ‘n so curious ‘n at the same time…”

You latter folks are the bravest of all.  It’s like a, dare in your mind to nail me on my Blog, upcoming Posts and new Twitter jazz.

As far as Posts from the past, and how many of you “old guys” are perhaps still around?

I know I put a lot of you through a lot of shit! I know people have given me online defenestrations! I probably deserved it.  Then, there are all of those who have done the same–I just haven’t known about it.  Anonymous Defenestration! 

Me being tardy? My MacBook is totally screwed, so I just tried to replace some things on my Sidebar. Then, for some reason all of my months of blogging became a list!

That proves it.  A little tardy but this blog’s been up for eight years.

Supreme Insanity.

I’ll still keep blogging though.  In doing that?

Beyond Supreme Insanity.


I’ve been seeing a Counsellor from a Hospital for a bit now. Neither of us knew why.  She didn’t know who referred me and I had no clue either.

She just called me on the phone in a quandary asking if this was: “My Name.” I said: “Yes.” She then followed: “Do you know why I’m calling you?” To which my response was: “No!”

This gal is awesome! After that very brief introduction to each other, we were both, “What the hell, and who are they? I’ve never heard of them! Wanna meet anyway?”

Sure.

So we sat and chat and laughed and I can’t find a word that rhymes with that.  Daft? Considering the above, that would fit?

Tomorrow, I am going to “fill out some paperwork.”  Okay.  For what, I have no idea.  I guess someone out there to do with this Organization she works for, is gonna get me help me to…?

…somehow get, or somewhat, or some kinda way of getting mountains of shit sorted out in my life.

Whether that’s actually possible I seriously ponder.  Quite seriously.  Extremely.  Yeah, you get it.

Okay, we’ll have a happy appointment tomorrow, and see what I get served on a paper Silver paper Platter?


Okay, fuck this bullshit.  Short Post NOW.  I spent two days with a fried Withdrawal brain to write something, maybe not such trash as this? My mobile ate it.  The WP app. online ate it.  Bite me technology.

My Blog triggers me? Being in the Online World triggers me? PA what the gadamman stupid bile is comin’ outta yer mauth and dribblin’ down yer face now!

What a load of shit! That is the craziest thing I’ve EVER said about taking a break from blogging.  This probably IS therapeutic in some way.  I’m not this ball of total madness and sickness, holed up alone merely staring at things in my apartment.  I just can’t do a lot of stuf…zzzzzzzzzz…

Perhaps a case of the DTs? They’re pretty bad this time around. One really significant sign is if your feeling paranoid.  The word “Paranoid” does not appear in my Mental Dossier.  However, how much external stuff was going on? I made the decision.  It was about me.

Can you be paranoid of yourself? About yourself? I’m not excluding DID folks; they apply in the discussion as well.  I’m just thinking of the raw, basics sort of way.

If there’s anyone out there who knows what it’s like for them to feel paranoid or have ongoing repeated episodes of paranoia, I’d like to hear from you.  Of course this is only if you feel comfortable talking about it! Also, if you want to talk but you don’t want to leave a Comment on my Blog in response here, you can definitely feel free to email me.  No secrets leave my lips so you’ll be safe.  I promise.

So CRAZY PA is back! Be forewarned though.  You’re dealing with a very sick PA.  I’m not looking for sympathy.  I’ve been an alcoholic and an addict for 20 years now.  The best thing is I’m finally going to try and get treatment.  I wish I could back in time for so many apologies, broken hearts, broken trusts and destroyed relationships.

Be Forewarned.  Seriously.  I have no idea what is going to happen here, other places where I’m online.  Also, what could not happen. Perhaps the only thing I do know is that I’ll be very slow.  You will be on earth and I will be circling the rings of Saturn.

Speaking of circling those rings,  this Detox and Withdrawal are bringing out my other diagnoses and mental lunacy to epic proportions as well.  My Asperger’s level? I’m just stimming and doing all those WEIRD Aspie things we can do all the time.  My hypervigilance? I have NO clue how high it is because yesterday felt like a Panic Attack that lasted THE.WHOLE.DAY.  

I’m not joking.  It did feel like that!!! o_O  I also don’t get Panic Attacks.  Some kind of DT-ism/Paranoia-ism?

Okay.  Gravol, Valium, Bed.  Try to rest and be calm as Therapy tomorrow.  Not like she’d care if I’m all SPAZZZYYY and I look like a zombie that’s actually living and doesn’t like to eat heads.  She’s my bloody Therapist! I just want to try and rest for me.

And cuddle up with my Bedbugs.  They make me look like I have hives.  Yay for that too.


To anyone who read it, you have been a victim of my “Drunken Blogging.”  Things can get pretty out of control, and as I result, I speed right past you and pull out my insanity for a Post. WHAM! You’re off to ER if you even have a chance of survival.

If you know me, you’ll say, “Oh, Jesus Christ PA.  Here she goes AGAIN…”

If you don’t know me, and read my Drive-By(s), you will say, “Oh Jesus Christ!!! What the HELLLLL is this place??? I WANT MY MOMMMMMMEEEEEYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!”

I should throw out the pack of cigarettes I bought last night, but it feels soooooo good to have (so far just one) of them with my morning tea.  Idiot PA.  

That single one just made my chest feel like someone lighting a match.  That match was to try and start kindling wood for a campfire.  

That campfire was for an Eight Generation Family Reunion.  It was miraculous they were all still alive and showed up.  

Therefore, they all needed a nice, cozy seat around that campfire. None of them cared if the smoke literally blew straight in their faces, knocking them backwards and upside down off their chairs. They’d just pick them up again to sit back in front of that huge campfire to stay nice and cozy.

I was away for so long.  I vanished from my Blog, Twitter.  I let personal emails to those who know me in PA Land just sit too. The latter was awful.  It felt like I just hit a big “IGNORE” Button.

I’m now back to Blogging about nothing but my health.  I hated that, and it was one of the reasons I disappeared for so long-even to the point of shutting my Blog down altogether.  Well, obviously I didn’t.

However, at this time, it feels like blogging about all of this, Tweeting as well…it’s almost like the online activity is enabling me.

Moreover, I have enough triggers, and just “things” that enable ME.  It’s so bizarre but I enable myself so often.

Good god.  What was I going to say? *stumbles blindly within memory*  Well, I did just “say” some things on Twitter.

Alright.  Let me give you “The Life of PA While She Continues to Drink Every Day.”

WHOO BOY.  Also, it is important to know that she’s going through Detox and Withdrawal while still drinking.  Yes, you can actually do that.

Here we go:

– Stays in bed and does not move ALL DAY–but must do something?

– My television.  Anime with Subtitles because in English it’s awful! READING…ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? MAYBE ONE LINE? That can make the Anime Subs REALLY hard.  I’m surprised the Rewind Button on my Remote Control still works! Anime out the window.  Regular TV? Nothing on and the programming can lick freshly plopped sheep shit.  A movie of my own.  Total Rewind Button again, because I can’t keep up with the plot and what people are saying.

– Actually, a bit of reading: Graphic Novels and Manga are okay, but I reserve them for going out and drinking. Why do I do this? I have no fucking clue.

– I still have my “To Don’t Lists”© but they are COMPLETELY unrealistic.  Therefore, I have reduced them to daily tasks.  I did that one time while still lying in bed.  Does that count as a daily task? While still feeling like the Grim Reaper is coming in 10 minutes?

– Dishes do not get done.  They take up every piece of usable space in my kitchen.  I wash one spoon and one bowl if I need them to eat.  Nothing else.  This lasts forever.  Like washing myself too.  Yep.

– I do not listen to music during the day.  I choose that form of media when coming home from the bar in whatever shape I’m in.  I guess it’s just a “Let’s Keep The Party Going!!!” I have no clue about this either.  And yes, the music is always blasting.

– I forget every.single.thing.  Thank you calendars with reminders on mobiles!!! Unless I forget to put the information in.  #epicepicepicepicDISASTER *wants to cry*

– I’ve shit my pants.  Twice.  Once when I was awake and once when I was asleep.

– I have a very intimate relationship with the bank machine across the street.  I’m just waiting for it to propose with a gorgeous ring!!!

– Two cuttings, one requiring sutures.

– I don’t bother drinking tea (today is the first day in months!) Why bother? I’m just going lie in bed all day.  Time escapes me until…I start to perk up when I usually go out to drink!!! My body now seems in a trap of a pattern of “needing” alcohol? Not good!!! At least I’m not a “Fall Down Drunk.”  Nope.  No injuries to report.

I “think?” that’s enough? I won’t bother getting into more of the Detox and Withdrawal Issues.  No doubt they are playing very big role in this as well as my addiction.

When I’m online, I’m so bloody slow, it takes me hours to respond to a simple email! Time has yet escaped me here? How long have I been simply writing this Post and going on and on…not even proofing or editing at all? About three hours.

This is where I need to vanish yet again.  I’ve spent my entire days and into the evening in PA Land.  Times when I should be trying to maybe get some help.  Some help until I go to my Outpatient Program and then when that is done, Inpatient for three weeks.

Even if I can’t get any, I have to concentrate very hard on my own to fight to do other things.  Like tie myself to my bed! Lock myself into my own apartment, even stop writing here and if I get the musedom, apply it to my own writing.

I’ll be back.  When I can hopefully somehow get some HAAAAAAALLLLLLPPPPP!!!!!!!!! 

Whether it comes from me, hospital etc.  Even if it’s not until Inpatient, you know PA always Blogs from her Hospital Stays.  She can never resist that. *laughing*

Lots of love to you all,
PA


I finally found the way to get me properly treated for all of this alcohol, addiction bullshit (believe me I could use more profane words.)

A long haul.  An appt. early September for a “Consultation.”  That consultation will be two and a half hours.  I’m afraid I might pass out in the middle of it.

From there, I must do one of many types(?) of outpatient treatment.  I have no fucking clue what the hell that means.

52 Pick Up?

The one good thing is that once I start whatever outpatient program, I’m already set up for the 21 Day Inpatient Program.

Totally my aim and what I need for physical, medical and psych needs.

The problem is, that’s a long time away.   After three days of being sober and feeling really strong about it, really determined, I relapsed.  I went out drinking.

I’ve said it.  I’m an addict.  Even further, you can’t trust an addict.

To hell with me being an addict.  If I can’t gain anyone’s trust? A serious reason to live in the bottle.

Although, chicken and egg? Trust with or without the bottle? Trust when I’m so close to the gutter, that person pulls me out?

I’m tired.  Of this.  20 Years.  Half my life.  I don’t know if I can do it.

I know I have to for all of the fucking shit that’s wrong, or not “wrong” with me, but what I grew up with and couldn’t control.

Excuse any typos or statements that might seem contrary to the content.  Still fighting, still failing but exhausted either way.

Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?


I have three doctor’s appointments in a row starting today.  I’m seeing my Therapist on Monday.

Someone invited me out for lunch on the weekend.  When you are going through Detox and Withdrawal, you do not want to hear ANY word relating to food (neither does your stomach either.)

I can’t remember the last time I took a shower.  I change my clothes pretty often, use deodorant but I’m basically living in pyjamas anyway. 

Although, since I wake up thoroughly drenched from sweating all night, is that A Positive or A Negative?

Does all that water all over my body, does it count as a shower? It doesn’t make me smell that weird and you can’t even smell anything on my sheets and pillows.

We do have a slight humongous issue with my hair.  I could probably do at least 10 Oil Changes at your local Garage.  Maybe 11 depending upon the vehicle types.

There’s also the issue of that little cutting I did.  It’s healing well but my immune system sucks.  I don’t want water pounding on the fresh sutures.  This is a weird half-excuse to not shower because I feel totally disgusting.

My hair isn’t long enough yet for a proper ponytail.  However, there’s enough to poke it out of the back of a baseball cap. 

If I really brush it out with one to design curls at the bottom of your hair, I can knock off a couple of cars at the Garage. 

Then, some good clean, human clothes (i.e. being seen on the street in something other than your vast collection of hospital bottoms.)  Also something long enough on top so the people in the building won’t see your cutting.  GOSSIP CENTRAL!!!

Nice smelling deodorant and some nice smelling perfume? Hey! Good to go!

Actually, folks? I could definitely shower.  I could force myself to, despite feeling so sick (if I had to.)

The thing is, it would be a long, very careful, and slow process for safety.  I should really be taking baths in my condition, which for safety’s sake, I think I will do.

But that means I have to clean the tub!!!

Not that it’s filthy or anything! However, please tell me the point of taking a bath to become clean, in and on any surface which is not clean? There isn’t one.  Go back to the Swamp.

Detox and Withdrawal makes you beyond extremely tired.  You can be mistaken for corpse at times.  I once got up in the morning, took my meds and fell back to sleep.  I woke up close to the time to take my night meds to go to sleep. 

That little fact makes me wonder if I’d have to clean my tub in several stages due to exhaustion.  Not to mention the fumes from the cleaning “stuff.”

I re-dyed my hair (black) the other day and ACK! I put on a medical procedure mask, fan in the bathroom, open the windows…

So I think I’m going to hang out in the jungle for a while.  Maybe the weekend will afford me the time and I might be feeling better.  Then again, three appointments in a row might leave me the perfect model for a corpse.

Okay, time to crawl out of the Swamp for Appointment #1.  See ya.  Hopefully.

Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?