Archive for the ‘Eating Disorders’ Category
Someone might be checking me out now. Looking at my blog to find out more about me. I’m not sure.
But that’s okay. In fact, it’s great! I want you to know me!
However, if you are looking at my Blog and checking me out, know that I am SO much more than these words.
If you are reading, I hope you see this. If you took a look and don’t come back? I’ll be so mad of not thinking of this sooner!
Delivered by WP+Android=Technocrap
I want to go to my first AA meeting tomorrow. Thing is, I blew out my ankle at Physio the other day. Not to move.
But I want to tell Sweetie GP I’m ACTUALLY going. Not thinking about it.
It’s not a far away. I can walk. But I tested a walk today. Not good.
Set my alarm for tomorrow? That’s when I’d go. Sacrifice my ankle? Because, Merlin #2 the day after, then Physio the next day after that.
Maybe I best not. I want to go. I really do. But I can’t fucking walk without doing more injury.
We get on so well. We fucking love each other. I’m in a lot of pain.
To hell with the alarm and going. I’ll explain when I see her. I’ve had too many stupid injuries.
ARGH. Trying to do so many good things for yourself can actually get really frustrating. Speaking of which, I’m actually going to EAT now.
I’ve been seeing a Counsellor from a Hospital for a bit now. Neither of us knew why. She didn’t know who referred me and I had no clue either.
She just called me on the phone in a quandary asking if this was: “My Name.” I said: “Yes.” She then followed: “Do you know why I’m calling you?” To which my response was: “No!”
This gal is awesome! After that very brief introduction to each other, we were both, “What the hell, and who are they? I’ve never heard of them! Wanna meet anyway?”
So we sat and chat and laughed and I can’t find a word that rhymes with that. Daft? Considering the above, that would fit?
Tomorrow, I am going to “fill out some paperwork.” Okay. For what, I have no idea. I guess someone out there to do with this Organization she works for, is gonna get me help me to…?
…somehow get, or somewhat, or some kinda way of getting mountains of shit sorted out in my life.
Whether that’s actually possible I seriously ponder. Quite seriously. Extremely. Yeah, you get it.
Okay, we’ll have a happy appointment tomorrow, and see what I get served on a
paper Silver paper Platter?
Hopefully you can try and follow this Post because it will not be written so well. Brief too. Sickness. Oh, sickness.
How many times do you say you’ve hit “Rock Bottom” when you’re really just sinking further and further down the ocean. Maybe your own ocean of making. Addicts find any excuse.
This is an “excuse” though. It might be Rock Bottom. Or as close as you can get.
There was a period ago, Maybe a year or so when I developed an allergy from drinking beer. Something in it? Something to do with the way it’s processed? So I tried wine. Red of course. Gotta include those tannins!
Blech. I didn’t feel so great with that. However, it wasn’t as bad as the beer. It got to the point where, just one bottle left me so ill, I wanted to heave. Although, I am serious Emetophobe. I have to be seriously ill to barf.
And so, being an “Intelligent Alcoholic and Addict” I found the perfect drink. Unlike the others, completely different ingredients and processing etc. Vodka.
Step back to the night before last. Beer. Well, it had been a long time so I thought I’d try beer again. I figured I’d know if I’d have a reaction as I’d feel sick so fast! Nothing. Huh.
OMG. The night before last. I had baby MacBook out but no signal. So, I thought I’d just listen to music. Was already drinking beer. Felt fine. Did have some spliff (who cares?) Well, I don’t about a lot these days. It wouldn’t do this to me. If anything, simply coincidental!
I walked away from everyone and went back inside the place. I didn’t want anything more to drink (intersting statement for someone who can drink like crazy.) I didn’t want any more beer, just to go home. No more beer. I’m not feeling well?
I packed up my bag, and…
…I wake up…
…in a hospital.
In really rough shape. By the time I came to, they’d already done my labs and tests and…
I was found “With my head hanging over puking.” That’s all I know. Or was told. And that no seizures happened. Which is clearly VERY good. My meds are holding me perfectly in line.
Allergy to beer. Now an extremely, epic, possibly die, allergy. Die? Think aspirating on your own vomit if you’re lying on your back. We found a friend in uni like that and she had already thrown up. Fuck me! We got to her in time(?) because she did throw up again.
Which I do remember. Hearing the paramedics say that I was going to throw up again and saying/feeling them turn me on my side as I was on a gurney.
Wait a minute. When I was in uni. OMFG HOLY SHIT THIS WAS THE GENESIS AND IT LIED DORMANT FOR A MILLION YEARS!!!
I went out with a guy I knew from class while doing my laundry. All of this on campus and I kept putting him off as I had a lot to do. Finally, I gave in. Two bottles, see ya! Chores done, go home and do whatever. Boy did I do a “whatever.”
My housemates weren’t home but when they got there? I had puked all over the bathroom (remember I never puke!) and was in this really altered state making no sense at all. Note: my seizures were dormant )or had just stopped in neuronal activity as well. Common to stop during adolescent years as mine did. They came back in my late 20s.
Of course they were AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Called Campus Police and get me to hospital. One housemate stayed with me to make sure I was safe.
I had no clue. I thought the guy had drugged me! Nice similarity to what happened the other night. But that other nights IN SPADES.
Makes me kind of wonder what else I could be allergic to…heh…heh… Well, enough on my plate right now.
I feel incredibly toxic at the moment. Sicker than I’ve been going through Detox and Withdrawal so far! Combination of the two?
I’m not fucking going to drink today! Are you kidding me? The hospital has screwed up time a bit so it will be between 2.5-3 days today.
But beyond drinking, the allergy, Rock Bottom? How humiliating to be sitting somewhere barfing all over and you can’t really move. All the while, nobody knows the situation, the circumstances and why. Then 911 is called, you’re thrown into an ambulance, the public watching on like you’re a Circus Freak.
That’s pretty fucking bad.
Okay, fuck this bullshit. Short Post NOW. I spent two days with a fried Withdrawal brain to write something, maybe not such trash as this? My mobile ate it. The WP app. online ate it. Bite me technology.
My Blog triggers me? Being in the Online World triggers me? PA what the gadamman stupid bile is comin’ outta yer mauth and dribblin’ down yer face now!
What a load of shit! That is the craziest thing I’ve EVER said about taking a break from blogging. This probably IS therapeutic in some way. I’m not this ball of total madness and sickness, holed up alone merely staring at things in my apartment. I just can’t do a lot of stuf…zzzzzzzzzz…
Perhaps a case of the DTs? They’re pretty bad this time around. One really significant sign is if your feeling paranoid. The word “Paranoid” does not appear in my Mental Dossier. However, how much external stuff was going on? I made the decision. It was about me.
Can you be paranoid of yourself? About yourself? I’m not excluding DID folks; they apply in the discussion as well. I’m just thinking of the raw, basics sort of way.
If there’s anyone out there who knows what it’s like for them to feel paranoid or have ongoing repeated episodes of paranoia, I’d like to hear from you. Of course this is only if you feel comfortable talking about it! Also, if you want to talk but you don’t want to leave a Comment on my Blog in response here, you can definitely feel free to email me. No secrets leave my lips so you’ll be safe. I promise.
So CRAZY PA is back! Be forewarned though. You’re dealing with a very sick PA. I’m not looking for sympathy. I’ve been an alcoholic and an addict for 20 years now. The best thing is I’m finally going to try and get treatment. I wish I could back in time for so many apologies, broken hearts, broken trusts and destroyed relationships.
Be Forewarned. Seriously. I have no idea what is going to happen here, other places where I’m online. Also, what could not happen. Perhaps the only thing I do know is that I’ll be very slow. You will be on earth and I will be circling the rings of Saturn.
Speaking of circling those rings, this Detox and Withdrawal are bringing out my other diagnoses and mental lunacy to epic proportions as well. My Asperger’s level? I’m just stimming and doing all those WEIRD Aspie things we can do all the time. My hypervigilance? I have NO clue how high it is because yesterday felt like a Panic Attack that lasted THE.WHOLE.DAY.
I’m not joking. It did feel like that!!! o_O I also don’t get Panic Attacks. Some kind of DT-ism/Paranoia-ism?
Okay. Gravol, Valium, Bed. Try to rest and be calm as Therapy tomorrow. Not like she’d care if I’m all SPAZZZYYY and I look like a zombie that’s actually living and doesn’t like to eat heads. She’s my bloody Therapist! I just want to try and rest for me.
And cuddle up with my Bedbugs. They make me look like I have hives. Yay for that too.