Archive for the ‘Eating Disorders’ Category


I mentioned on Twitter that it might, might be time for me to hang up my Blogging Hat.  Or, to say stop my Blogging Hands.  That would be more appropriate.

It’s not an ongoing, forever-we-experience, Blogging Crisis.  It’s not Writer’s Block.  I could think of many things to write about.

Things have changed.  Some that are easy(ier) to explain, some I don’t know if I can, but I’ll try.  Some I don’t even know if I can explain to me!

My Blog has been up for nine years.  I don’t know how long any measurement that means.  In terms of living, averages of any kind, but that’s pretty irrelevant, I think.

I mentioned the word, “living.”

Are Blogs really living entities? I believe the answer is a very firm, no.  We MAKE them living entities.

I made an analogy on Twitter as well, regarding the “feelings” between both my Blog and me, as a person.  I said, “I feel like I have phantom limb pain.”

It’s true.  Something has been severed.  The “living entity” I have created, that which was so connected to me…  It’s not anymore…  But to what degree, and even what part of my body, I do not know…yet.

Despite still writing a bit more, I have been tremendously unhappy with my Blog.  The beginning of things being severed? There were times I couldn’t even look at it.  Now, things seem so, terribly disjointed and I can’t fix them.

I definitely don’t expect you to understand that last sentence!

Does reading my Blog make me cry? *laughing* Of course not! It’s my life!

Thinking about my life might make me cry, but my entire life isn’t on my Blog.

The only times I’ve cried reading my Blog was years ago.  I would receive these Comments from utter strangers.  They would pour their hearts out to me and tell me I literally saved their lives.

I would sit and bawl my eyes out.  Why me? Who am I? I didn’t say anything? It took a LONG time to respond to people like that! But they were few.  I’m not being egotistical.

I write a lot about having no life.  Well, I do.  We all do.  Perhaps not as we’d always like it, but you can’t escape the fact.

How many hours have I Blogged, read other Blogs, spent time on Twitter when that came along later.  How about all day and all night?

At the time it felt just fine.  Really? Not so really. 

That’s not healthy.  I mean, for me it isn’t.  It’s an unhealthy escape.  Too easy to muck about when I need to focus on getting myself at least somewhat together.  Also, that “somewhat” is just a start.

How long has it been since I really got into my own writing? I mean really got into it? I have SO many unfinished projects, I haven’t sent any Submissions to anyone in ages. *sighs*

Am I done? I sure feel done.  This Post has been exhausting to write.  Difficult, too.  Don’t cry, PA!

*teardrops*

But for now, I’m still here.  I haven’t made a final decision. 

Maybe Dr. PA can perform some surgery on both sides; to mend herself and reattach what she brought to life and into this world.


Someone might be checking me out now.  Looking at my blog to find out more about me.  I’m not sure.

But that’s okay.  In fact, it’s great! I want you to know me!

However, if you are looking at my Blog and checking me out, know that I am SO much more than these words.

If you are reading, I hope you see this.  If you took a look and don’t come back? I’ll be so mad of not thinking of this sooner!

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It took me a while to figure this out. 

If you feel like something is wrong with your health, have a diagnosis where you need help because things are a bit unstable.  What should you ALWAYS do?

Track things! Get a calendar, mark things down like a journal and monitor every and all changes! It doesn’t matter how small.

There were so many variables that took me so long.  The largest being my head such a disaster.  Head injuries can, to whatever degree, turn you into a wreck.  I still have both retrograde and anterograde amnesia from one.

A few episodes happened when I was discharged, but I didn’t clue in to write down dates.  They also just resolved with time.  Not a lot of time either.  Maybe two hours at most, and they were hardly as intense as before.

Everyone was still so focussed on a stroke at first, waiting for me to get my MRI, see its results…  That was going to take a month or more

Recently, I had two other episodes. They were one day after the other.  I certainly need to journal or track that!

The second one wouldn’t resolve after five hours, and was almost as bad as the one that sent me to hospital originally in July.

I finally broke down and went to hospital as I just couldn’t stand it anymore.  Yes, I am a VERY stubborn patient.  Don’t be like me!

I hadn’t thrown up like the first time, but guess how the Paramedics found me? Hunched down down on my knees with my head hung over the the toilet bowl. 

They gave me this traveling vomit bag.  It wasn’t completely a bag though.  It had a cardboard “box” at the top.  It was shaped like a Chinese Food Take Away Carton.

No offense to my Asian readers, here.  I mean it.  However, I couldn’t hold back from making a joke to one Paramedic and say, “This is what they give you when you have too much Chinese Food and it makes you sick.”

I was taken to a different hospital. Now, to treat the symptoms and “make me more comfortable” even though I was dying in pain.  Are you kidding me? 

Although, I actually passed out.  Are you seriously kidding me?

IV Fluids.  Standard.  IV Toradol which is an anti-nauseant.  I’ve had it before and it’s made me feel nice and floaty, but never knocked me out! Are you curiously kidding me?

Some other thing strung up and pumped into me.  I can’t remember what it was so maybe that doped me.  Are you illegally killing me?

Finally some Steroid. It was shot in liquid form, into my mouth via a syringe.  Are you weirdly killing me?

It was for “Rebound Pain” over 72 hours.  Okay.  Now you are RIDICULOUSLY AND STUPIDLY KILLING ME!

This is the best hospital in our city.  I want to go there ALL the time.  It’s only that they didn’t know the history (now irrelevant) and how to treat me properly (now irrelevant.)

Although, I will be going back to an EYE CLINIC they have there.  Yes, Clinic.  Not just some Dr. Who Knows.  I think even a Neuro Opthamologist.  Awesome!

Does anyone out there remember my TASE? Typical Absence Status Epilepticus? If you don’t, you can search for the Horror Show on the rest of my Blog.

It was catamenial.  That means, to do with your Menstrual Cycle and even days surrounding it.  I was lucky enough to have ditto for Ovulation.

Well, now I’m having the same with migraines.  I’m on my period now and those two one day after another? That second one where I had to go back to hospital?

Nothing has cleared up yet.

With this now in mind, I can EASILY track all the others from dates of my cycles.

This is a disaster.  More than.  Sweetie GP has been on vacation for the month of August.  I have an appointment soon.  She’ll probably agree with me:

WE HAVE TO GET YOU TO YOUR NEW GYNECOLOGIST FOR THAT PARTIAL HYSTERECTOMY NOW!!!

No kidding.  I have to stop getting my period! Moreover, I won’t even bring my anemia and how bad that is into all of this.

Also, Non-Arsey Neuro is going to call me as he’s away for a bit now too.  Stupid Summer Vacations! *laughing*

I will be suffering for a long time.  None of this will be resolved anytime soon.

I have to try for some kind of stopgap.  My Triptans can’t handle this.  I’m going to ask him about Ergotamines.  They might be VERY good for this in terms of how they work.  The dose schedule, no contraindications or med interactions for me.

Another neat thing about some is they can ease menstrual flow.  But I don’t know if that would happen for me at too high a dose.

There is a specific Ergot derivative to do this actually! It’s called “Ergometrine.”  However, it’s not used to treat migraines

So, that’s that. 

I think this needs to be handled ASAP.  If these migraines are bad enough to give a stroke presentation, and they will continue to happen on a regular basis? What (else) might they be doing to my brain?

I already have so many comorbidities.  Right now I’m living in a perpetual state of a very significant TBI. One that already affects so much of my daily functioning. 

It also does bring out features of my other comorbidities now that I think of it.  Absolutely.

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“If it looks like a…if it quacks or whatever sound…if it…”

How many people out there have had experience(s) with strokes? Have even had one themselves? I’m finally getting around to writing about this.  Wraparound sunglasses that wraparound my glasses too!

Most convenient and necessary.  I’ve also had to really increase the View on babyMacAir.  The letters looked like ants on a page.

Also, not for Photophobia.  To me, that seems rather odd.

The sunglasses and a fabric eyeshade that allows virtually no light, are used for use and recovery of too much use! Sometimes I don’t, or won’t know how much I’ve used my eyes the day before.  I’ll only find out by the degree of headache I have?

I’m getting one now as I woke up well before sunset when I’d rather be still sleeping or fine with being up now.  Although I’d rather keep the post-TBI (and definitely mine!) out of this Post.

So I was at home watching TV (or it was on) and looking at something on my mobile.  I wasn’t doing anything special and WHAM! I was seeing so many versions of everything, it was like I couldn’t see.  Quadruple Vision?

NOTE: Before you go any further into seizure thinking, hang on for the rest I have to tell you.  Also, I have never even been close to having a photogenic seizure.  Also again, if you don’t know, strokes can happen instantly to anyone–babies to the elderly.

FIN.

I am probably one of the hugest Emetephobes on the planet. Emetephobia means fear of throwing up.  Mine came from my mother, who cared only about anything in the house becoming soiled.

Heaven forbid you have a sick child who might barf–on a kitchen floor that wasn’t even carpeted! So fear was instilled.  Now I have to become violently ill to throw up.  Extremely sick or something wrong.  Well, the latter implies the former.

Sorry.  (Possibly) Stroke Me can’t think very well right now.

Then, I felt it coming.  Oh, god.  Oh, GOD!!!

How many of us have had THAT experience? *laughing*

Trying to run to the bathroom when you just know you’re going to toss your cookies! No bowls, buckets.  

No cheeks either.  It has to remain in your stomach.  If it comes up to fill your cheeks? You’ll have an unbelievable geyser all over the room–and be thankful your mother wasn’t mine.

So, after Crazy Vision I started to sweat.  A lot.  But that calmed down when I got really weak and tried to avoid a geyser.  I made it to the bathroom.

The weakness was not bilateral.  But “Stroke Bilateral Weakness” is a bunch hooey! Depending upon what’s going on and where, you can be weak all over!

I didn’t know how weak I was, what side, all of me, but I do know it was too far to crawl back to my bed to call 911 (or 999 in certain countries.)  People, my living is pretty small.

Nonetheless, bathroom closest to hallway to knock on neighbour’s door.  Crawl across hallway, throw up again.  This time some blood in it.  Not occult, although a fair sized chunk of either blood or tissue that was tan-like in colour.  That is for any Professionals out there?

The red is just a tear somewhere? Or part of…  Occult is bad, although that is for other organs–not specifically my brain.  If it were, only an embolism would be capable of destroying things all over.  That said, I could or would be dead right now? This happened on July 21, 2005

Okay, on with the rest of the show.

My voice and speaking ability.  Total mess! The woman could hardly understand me to figure out to call 911.  The Paramedics couldn’t understand me because they asked if she lived in my place.  No. But she’s trying to find what they needed.

Mumbly, mumbly, mumbly! How many hours until I could speak again? I have no clue.  Also, post-TBI but have no memory of dealing with Doctor in ER.  Have the notes and I laughed out loud at how I was acting and what I was saying.

I couldn’t even tell him what brought me there! I was going on about prior medical problems that were totally irrelevant.  I clearly had no cognitive capacity to engage in conversation about anything! And again, what brought me there!

I had to wait for a bed on the medical floor.  I don’t know how long.

Oh, yes.  The worst of it all is I wanted to rip out everything from my eye sockets from the pain! I was in so much PAIN!!! Rip every piece of tissue out of those sockets until there are only black holes left!!!

This is getting pretty long.  I’ll save the hospital stuff.  I’m getting really tired too.  I need to rest.  All I do, but I finally have my MRI Scheduled! I hope they find something.

Not to sound whiny but it’s not pleasant.  Housebound, alone, feeling sick…yeah, okay.  Whatever.  A lot of others have it a lot worse and they’re really happy.  I should shut my yap!

Tell me what you think my readers.  I won’t tell you the number of other people that have told me what.

CODA: 20+ years of First Aid and CPR Training might have really helped me here.  If I didn’t know any better, I could have just slept it off, see how I feel in the morning.  How about you feel nothing because you’re dead.  Whether you had a stroke or not.

Everyone, if you EVER feel sick or off and you don’t know what it is. But something feels wrong.  Listen to your body and not your head!

And go straight to the ER.

FIN.


I want to go to my first AA meeting tomorrow.  Thing is, I blew out my ankle at Physio the other day.  Not to move.

But I want to tell Sweetie GP I’m ACTUALLY going.  Not thinking about it.

It’s not a far away.  I can walk.  But I tested a walk today.  Not good.

Set my alarm for tomorrow? That’s when I’d go.  Sacrifice my ankle? Because, Merlin #2 the day after, then Physio the next day after that. 

Maybe I best not.  I want to go.  I really do.  But I can’t fucking walk without doing more injury.

We get on so well.  We fucking love each other.  I’m in a lot of pain.

To hell with the alarm and going.  I’ll explain when I see her.  I’ve had too many stupid injuries.

ARGH.  Trying to do so many good things for yourself can actually get really frustrating.  Speaking of which, I’m actually going to EAT now.

Maybe.


First, I’d like to say a MASSIVE “THANK YOU!” to all of the new people–and all the others–the “old?.” *laughing*

But thank you so much for all of your new Blog Follows, your Post Likes, and Twitter Follows as well.  I am not boasting or trying to sound vain.  I never do that.  Unless I’m writing so crazily (or not?) about something, it might come across that way.

The point I’m trying to make, is that there have been so many of you.  I can’t keep track! My Inbox can get flooded and I can’t check all of you out! I want to, but on the mental market? I’m not the latest cyborg for sale.  I’m used and a refurb where the Techs didn’t do such a good job.

So I’m sorry for that.  However, I do have everything neatly organized and filed.  I can find all of you, so when I get… *sighs*

My blog sucks, as of late too.  I have a theory about all of you new people; why you’re flying all around my head, then eventually landing straight on it!

NOTE: I am in no way comparing my New Followers like any annoying insects.

My theory is, you are stumbling upon Posts from the past.  You read them, and think, “Hey! This chick’s really groovy ‘n keen ‘n lots of other ‘n stuff.   Or ‘n AWESOME one! This chick’s really out there ‘n I have no clue what sort of person but I’m kind of confused ‘n scared ‘n so curious ‘n at the same time…”

You latter folks are the bravest of all.  It’s like a, dare in your mind to nail me on my Blog, upcoming Posts and new Twitter jazz.

As far as Posts from the past, and how many of you “old guys” are perhaps still around?

I know I put a lot of you through a lot of shit! I know people have given me online defenestrations! I probably deserved it.  Then, there are all of those who have done the same–I just haven’t known about it.  Anonymous Defenestration! 

Me being tardy? My MacBook is totally screwed, so I just tried to replace some things on my Sidebar. Then, for some reason all of my months of blogging became a list!

That proves it.  A little tardy but this blog’s been up for eight years.

Supreme Insanity.

I’ll still keep blogging though.  In doing that?

Beyond Supreme Insanity.


I’ve been seeing a Counsellor from a Hospital for a bit now. Neither of us knew why.  She didn’t know who referred me and I had no clue either.

She just called me on the phone in a quandary asking if this was: “My Name.” I said: “Yes.” She then followed: “Do you know why I’m calling you?” To which my response was: “No!”

This gal is awesome! After that very brief introduction to each other, we were both, “What the hell, and who are they? I’ve never heard of them! Wanna meet anyway?”

Sure.

So we sat and chat and laughed and I can’t find a word that rhymes with that.  Daft? Considering the above, that would fit?

Tomorrow, I am going to “fill out some paperwork.”  Okay.  For what, I have no idea.  I guess someone out there to do with this Organization she works for, is gonna get me help me to…?

…somehow get, or somewhat, or some kinda way of getting mountains of shit sorted out in my life.

Whether that’s actually possible I seriously ponder.  Quite seriously.  Extremely.  Yeah, you get it.

Okay, we’ll have a happy appointment tomorrow, and see what I get served on a paper Silver paper Platter?


I’m sorry, but with my Mac dying I can’t get access to my own Post! So I’d just like to thank you for adding to the thread.  It’s such a hard issue.

Further, you’re eating regular meals and it’s still happening. That’s HOW you stop Night Eating Syndrome/Disorder.  Eat regular meals and it basically just stops.

I’m not a Dietician.  Maybe you should see one? I don’t know what else I can suggest.  Maybe switching or swapping what you’re eating might help with your metabolism? That’s where a good Dietician could come in.

Take care,
PA

NOTE: The Post in question is called, “Why I Wake Up Starving in the Middle of the Night.”


Hopefully you can try and follow this Post because it will not be written so well.  Brief too.  Sickness.  Oh, sickness.

How many times do you say you’ve hit “Rock Bottom” when you’re really just sinking further and further down the ocean.  Maybe your own ocean of making.  Addicts find any excuse.

This is an “excuse” though.  It might be Rock Bottom.  Or as close as you can get.

There was a period ago, Maybe a year or so when I developed an allergy from drinking beer.  Something in it? Something to do with the way it’s processed? So I tried wine.  Red of course.  Gotta include those tannins!

Blech.  I didn’t feel so great with that.  However, it wasn’t as bad as the beer.  It got to the point where, just one bottle left me so ill, I wanted to heave.  Although, I am serious Emetophobe.  I have to be seriously ill to barf.

And so, being an “Intelligent Alcoholic and Addict” I found the perfect drink.  Unlike the others, completely different ingredients and processing etc.  Vodka.

Step back to the night before last.  Beer.  Well, it had been a long time so I thought I’d try beer again.  I figured I’d know if I’d have a reaction as I’d feel sick so fast! Nothing.  Huh.

OMG.  The night before last.  I had baby MacBook out but no signal.  So, I thought I’d just listen to music.  Was already drinking beer.  Felt fine.  Did have some spliff (who cares?) Well, I don’t about a lot these days.  It wouldn’t do this to me.  If anything, simply coincidental!

I walked away from everyone and went back inside the place.  I didn’t want anything more to drink (intersting statement for someone who can drink like crazy.)  I didn’t want any more beer, just to go home.  No more beer.  I’m not feeling well?

I packed up my bag, and…

…I wake up…

…in a hospital.

In really rough shape.  By the time I came to, they’d already done my labs and tests and…

I was found “With my head hanging over puking.”  That’s all I know.  Or was told.  And that no seizures happened.  Which is clearly VERY good.  My meds are holding me perfectly in line.

Allergy to beer.  Now an extremely, epic, possibly die, allergy.  Die? Think aspirating on your own vomit if you’re lying on your back.  We found a friend in uni like that and she had already thrown up.  Fuck me! We got to her in time(?) because she did throw up again.

Which I do remember.  Hearing the paramedics say that I was going to throw up again and saying/feeling them turn me on my side as I was on a gurney.

Wait a minute.  When I was in uni.  OMFG HOLY SHIT THIS WAS THE GENESIS AND IT LIED DORMANT FOR A MILLION YEARS!!!

I went out with a guy I knew from class while doing my laundry.  All of this on campus and I kept putting him off as I had a lot to do.  Finally, I gave in.  Two bottles, see ya! Chores done, go home and do whatever.  Boy did I do a “whatever.”

My housemates weren’t home but when they got there? I had puked all over the bathroom (remember I never puke!) and was in this really altered state making no sense at all.  Note: my seizures were dormant )or had just stopped in neuronal activity as well.  Common to stop during adolescent years as mine did.  They came back in my late 20s.

Of course they were AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Called Campus Police and get me to hospital.  One housemate stayed with me to make sure I was safe.

I had no clue.  I thought the guy had drugged me! Nice similarity to what happened the other night.  But that other nights IN SPADES.

Makes me kind of wonder what else I could be allergic to…heh…heh…  Well, enough on my plate right now.

I feel incredibly toxic at the moment.  Sicker than I’ve been going through Detox and Withdrawal so far! Combination of the two?

I’m not fucking going to drink today! Are you kidding me? The hospital has screwed up time a bit so it will be between 2.5-3 days today.

But beyond drinking, the allergy, Rock Bottom? How humiliating to be sitting somewhere barfing all over and you can’t really move.  All the while, nobody knows the situation, the circumstances and why.  Then 911 is called, you’re thrown into an ambulance, the public watching on like you’re a Circus Freak.

That’s pretty fucking bad.


Okay, fuck this bullshit.  Short Post NOW.  I spent two days with a fried Withdrawal brain to write something, maybe not such trash as this? My mobile ate it.  The WP app. online ate it.  Bite me technology.

My Blog triggers me? Being in the Online World triggers me? PA what the gadamman stupid bile is comin’ outta yer mauth and dribblin’ down yer face now!

What a load of shit! That is the craziest thing I’ve EVER said about taking a break from blogging.  This probably IS therapeutic in some way.  I’m not this ball of total madness and sickness, holed up alone merely staring at things in my apartment.  I just can’t do a lot of stuf…zzzzzzzzzz…

Perhaps a case of the DTs? They’re pretty bad this time around. One really significant sign is if your feeling paranoid.  The word “Paranoid” does not appear in my Mental Dossier.  However, how much external stuff was going on? I made the decision.  It was about me.

Can you be paranoid of yourself? About yourself? I’m not excluding DID folks; they apply in the discussion as well.  I’m just thinking of the raw, basics sort of way.

If there’s anyone out there who knows what it’s like for them to feel paranoid or have ongoing repeated episodes of paranoia, I’d like to hear from you.  Of course this is only if you feel comfortable talking about it! Also, if you want to talk but you don’t want to leave a Comment on my Blog in response here, you can definitely feel free to email me.  No secrets leave my lips so you’ll be safe.  I promise.

So CRAZY PA is back! Be forewarned though.  You’re dealing with a very sick PA.  I’m not looking for sympathy.  I’ve been an alcoholic and an addict for 20 years now.  The best thing is I’m finally going to try and get treatment.  I wish I could back in time for so many apologies, broken hearts, broken trusts and destroyed relationships.

Be Forewarned.  Seriously.  I have no idea what is going to happen here, other places where I’m online.  Also, what could not happen. Perhaps the only thing I do know is that I’ll be very slow.  You will be on earth and I will be circling the rings of Saturn.

Speaking of circling those rings,  this Detox and Withdrawal are bringing out my other diagnoses and mental lunacy to epic proportions as well.  My Asperger’s level? I’m just stimming and doing all those WEIRD Aspie things we can do all the time.  My hypervigilance? I have NO clue how high it is because yesterday felt like a Panic Attack that lasted THE.WHOLE.DAY.  

I’m not joking.  It did feel like that!!! o_O  I also don’t get Panic Attacks.  Some kind of DT-ism/Paranoia-ism?

Okay.  Gravol, Valium, Bed.  Try to rest and be calm as Therapy tomorrow.  Not like she’d care if I’m all SPAZZZYYY and I look like a zombie that’s actually living and doesn’t like to eat heads.  She’s my bloody Therapist! I just want to try and rest for me.

And cuddle up with my Bedbugs.  They make me look like I have hives.  Yay for that too.