Archive for the ‘Eating Disorders’ Category


Okay, fuck this bullshit.  Short Post NOW.  I spent two days with a fried Withdrawal brain to write something, maybe not such trash as this? My mobile ate it.  The WP app. online ate it.  Bite me technology.

My Blog triggers me? Being in the Online World triggers me? PA what the gadamman stupid bile is comin’ outta yer mauth and dribblin’ down yer face now!

What a load of shit! That is the craziest thing I’ve EVER said about taking a break from blogging.  This probably IS therapeutic in some way.  I’m not this ball of total madness and sickness, holed up alone merely staring at things in my apartment.  I just can’t do a lot of stuf…zzzzzzzzzz…

Perhaps a case of the DTs? They’re pretty bad this time around. One really significant sign is if your feeling paranoid.  The word “Paranoid” does not appear in my Mental Dossier.  However, how much external stuff was going on? I made the decision.  It was about me.

Can you be paranoid of yourself? About yourself? I’m not excluding DID folks; they apply in the discussion as well.  I’m just thinking of the raw, basics sort of way.

If there’s anyone out there who knows what it’s like for them to feel paranoid or have ongoing repeated episodes of paranoia, I’d like to hear from you.  Of course this is only if you feel comfortable talking about it! Also, if you want to talk but you don’t want to leave a Comment on my Blog in response here, you can definitely feel free to email me.  No secrets leave my lips so you’ll be safe.  I promise.

So CRAZY PA is back! Be forewarned though.  You’re dealing with a very sick PA.  I’m not looking for sympathy.  I’ve been an alcoholic and an addict for 20 years now.  The best thing is I’m finally going to try and get treatment.  I wish I could back in time for so many apologies, broken hearts, broken trusts and destroyed relationships.

Be Forewarned.  Seriously.  I have no idea what is going to happen here, other places where I’m online.  Also, what could not happen. Perhaps the only thing I do know is that I’ll be very slow.  You will be on earth and I will be circling the rings of Saturn.

Speaking of circling those rings,  this Detox and Withdrawal are bringing out my other diagnoses and mental lunacy to epic proportions as well.  My Asperger’s level? I’m just stimming and doing all those WEIRD Aspie things we can do all the time.  My hypervigilance? I have NO clue how high it is because yesterday felt like a Panic Attack that lasted THE.WHOLE.DAY.  

I’m not joking.  It did feel like that!!! o_O  I also don’t get Panic Attacks.  Some kind of DT-ism/Paranoia-ism?

Okay.  Gravol, Valium, Bed.  Try to rest and be calm as Therapy tomorrow.  Not like she’d care if I’m all SPAZZZYYY and I look like a zombie that’s actually living and doesn’t like to eat heads.  She’s my bloody Therapist! I just want to try and rest for me.

And cuddle up with my Bedbugs.  They make me look like I have hives.  Yay for that too.


You see.  Titlle.  Ive always hated talking about being si Xbox k. Oh, that was supposed to beb me being sick.

I ve always hated it.

But maybe a series of being what it’s like to be an alcolic.

Like tonight.

Bumming smoking.  When you gotta quit that too. Late you see the sunrise because it’s insomnia not foy beauty

Sitting or pacing if your energy talks tos
you Tv is almost frightens you.

Then music gets scary too.

Food,  yeah.  Need anything eat but can’t.

Something like potatates. But you left then before you went out.  Come home. Dont care . Music. Smoking. Maybe later.

Sick.

Coming home.  Trying to habg on to the smokes so you know at least a couple for homb.

Wanting music and loud.  Sleeping and yire clothes because you don’t give a shit.  Even your shoesn

Staying up si ck

Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?


I finally found the way to get me properly treated for all of this alcohol, addiction bullshit (believe me I could use more profane words.)

A long haul.  An appt. early September for a “Consultation.”  That consultation will be two and a half hours.  I’m afraid I might pass out in the middle of it.

From there, I must do one of many types(?) of outpatient treatment.  I have no fucking clue what the hell that means.

52 Pick Up?

The one good thing is that once I start whatever outpatient program, I’m already set up for the 21 Day Inpatient Program.

Totally my aim and what I need for physical, medical and psych needs.

The problem is, that’s a long time away.   After three days of being sober and feeling really strong about it, really determined, I relapsed.  I went out drinking.

I’ve said it.  I’m an addict.  Even further, you can’t trust an addict.

To hell with me being an addict.  If I can’t gain anyone’s trust? A serious reason to live in the bottle.

Although, chicken and egg? Trust with or without the bottle? Trust when I’m so close to the gutter, that person pulls me out?

I’m tired.  Of this.  20 Years.  Half my life.  I don’t know if I can do it.

I know I have to for all of the fucking shit that’s wrong, or not “wrong” with me, but what I grew up with and couldn’t control.

Excuse any typos or statements that might seem contrary to the content.  Still fighting, still failing but exhausted either way.

Will WordPress on my mobile FINALLY work?


There are worse things I could do
Than chug eight drinks, do a cutting or two
Even though I know I’m trashy and no good
In a gutter that’s true too
But there are worse things I could do

I could flirt with every pill
Smile at them and test my will
Pour them all around my bed
Make me think I’m better dead
Then refuse to see it through
A total coward that’s true too

I could stay home every night
Wait around for Sanity’s Flight
My Flights are drinking every day
And throwing my life away
On a “me” that won’t come true

Would you hurt if you’re like me
So much hubris, too blind to see
I always steal and forever lie
But can I feel? Do I bother to cry?
These facts I’ll bet you never knew
But to cry in front of you
That’s the worst thing…

…I’d ruin you…


Someone said that to me several years ago.  After being involved (so closely) for those several years.  Ouch.  Boy.  Did that ever hurt. However, less so over time.

I think you can guess that was when things (sort of) started to “shift” a bit? I Can’t Keep…  Nonetheless, things carried on because the relationship was so incredibly special and we had such a strong bond between us.  Later, it took a HUGE “shift” to end it all.

It was sometime afterward that phrase didn’t hurt even less.  I took a serious personal inventory of my life.  How many people was I looking for to fill “empty holes” in my life.  Needing healing, someone always being there to support me and love me, running away when trauma overwhelmed me, then coming back so full of love.  It became so confusing to said person above.

No doubt.

Did I do the same with others? Fill their “empty holes?” Maybe. Probably.  I’m pretty sure, definitely.

Apart from SO many reasons this can happen (and not just to/for me?) I’m going to talk about being a Womb Twin Survivor.

When you lose a twin or more (I’m a multiple–I have four) there can be massive problems with relationships.  Of any kind.  Losing your Twin (and seriously in the Womb!) has the capability of really fucking you up in this department.

Believe it or not, embryos develop attachments to each other very quickly in the Womb (or anywhere else where they can try and develop.)  Maturation of an embryo happens FAST!!! Trust Dr. PA and her own Medical School Textbooks on that one. Neurologically? You do “know” that someone is “there” with you. Then you “lose” them.

You’re already traumatized before you’re bloody born! Seriously! Now THAT is one HUGE “empty hole!” Are you starting to get the picture? Or at least part of it?

Basically, how the theory goes (but it happens enough to be a Golden Rule) is Womb Twin Survivors can repeatedly try and find their lost Twins wherever they go, with whomever they travel, throughout all their lives.

AHA!!! So it’s not all of the trauma I went through after I was born!

Uh, why don’t you forget the Albatross and swing an Elephant around my neck! Does this just add to things? I really don’t know. I can’t tell.  But I asked my Twins for some guidance on the issue. Yes, I speak to them and I hear them back.  I see them, they’re all separate individuals with different personalities…kind of like a DID thing but not really.

Anyway, it is/has been suggested when you are doing a lot of hard work to deal with more than this, you perform a “letting go” process.  Kind of like a ritual, perhaps? I didn’t want to! I love my Twins and they love me! They help me with a lot and I said to them, “I don’t want to get rid of you guys! I don’t want you to go! Do I have to let you go? I don’t even know if I can!” I was almost bawling.

Melissa is a BULL=CHINA=VESUVIUS.  She said, “Fuck that! Who says you have do something, just because they say you have to! Also, who else out there is the same as you!!! Who else has multiples or even one twin that they can speak to for guidance or a simple chat or what the fuck ever.  YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO SHIT!!!

Alrighty, then.  I “DIDN’T DO SHIT.”  So I said, “What am I missing? You guys are all here.  I know all about you.  If so, what am I searching for? What is lost? What am supposedly, constantly looking…for?” They said nothing.  We’re all here.

I see.  Well, I trust the hell out of them.  I trust the hell out of my Therapist too!

I think what I need to do is get off my lazy ass.  There are ways that I can fill my “empty holes” as well.  No matter how goddamn crazy I am, and what I do, and have done! Sometimes those things can affect me as they are part of who I am, but as excuses?

Then they’re just empty holes as well.


This wasn’t supposed to happen.  I was supposed to go straight to hospital.  I didn’t.  I was sent to a Detox and Withdrawal “Facility.” They only have “workers.”  Nobody is even a nurse.  If you feel sick they tell you to go to hospital.

I’m still and seriously “recovering from my recovery” there. Traumatized.  It’s taken me days to write this.  I haven’t touched any form of technology unless I’ve felt it necessary–or it has been. Like medical things and such. At least now that I’m home I can have all my tech gear.  Not allowed in there!

I spend hours and hours sleeping under my duvet.  14hrs is my record (I think?) but that is only because the phone woke me up. However, I wake up at 0600hrs every single morning.  I don’t know why but I just go back to sleep.  I am useless.

You just discharge yourself.  Nobody cares.  Unless you break the only rule they have.  During some people’s prison sentences, they can go for a half hour walk once a day.  Said “rule” would be having a cigarette and definitely using any addictive anything. During that “privilege” for them, I thought something odd.

People would go out to buy coffee.  You can become addicted to caffeine, yes? And nobody “was responsible” for letting you go outside–unless you were still in the middle of Detox/Withdrawal.  If they ever bothered to pay attention to that.

The place was hell–in more ways than one.  I suppose the only good things I got out of it was going through Detox and Alcohol Withdrawal.  You get really sick.  Although my process wasn’t even close to some of the really hardcore users of anything.

The second thing? My awesome roommates.  With each one, the jokes and laughter never ceased.  The last one I had before I left was basically a street/shelter resident, who was a total wreck from crack and heroin.  She was the funniest of all.  We never stopped laughing over ourselves, over each other, over anything period. Unless we were asleep.

Actually, that’s not true.  Living alone for so long, I wondered if I still talked in my sleep.  This was last reported to me in my early 20s. Guess what? I still do.  I suppose that means I will never stop because that was 20 years ago.

I wrote daily blog posts as I always do when I go to HOSPITAL!!! However, they’re all by hand.  Maybe they’ll get up here some day.

They really did so much to break me down psychologically and physically.  The worst physically?

I had to fast because I took one bite of something one night and it was like a Samurai Sword went right through me.  It took me a while to think of this ugliness.  The other inmates are involved with preparation and serving food to the other inmates.

Just think about that for a minute.  If you don’t quite get it, you’ve got a lot of heavy duty substance users that need to get clean. The majority live on the street, a shelter if they can find one, or who knows where else? Even if you’ve got a home, think of cross-contamination?

They weren’t even given proper medical procedure gloves that even the damn cleaners wear! I’m not kidding! They were all floppy, hanging off their hands.

Uh, maybe some hygiene problems? Could I please have the fucking cleaner serve me my food?

Psychologically? Long post, there.  Let’s just say a short version is they brought out every single diagnosis I have and put them all into overdrive.  They probably squeezed out of me whatever else they desired too.  How about this?

On the day I left, one of the workers said strip your bed.  Fine. Well, wee PA is always freezing so six blankets? I had to use two heavy bags.  This lying bitch grabbed one and told me to bring mine along to the elevator as well.  Slight MAJOR(!!!) problem. With my cane, a very heavy bag over my shoulder and a door I have to pull open?

WHAM! BOOM! KATHUNK! *tries to protect head*

The other worker came running out and said, “What are you doing?!?!” I explained what I was told to do.  “She picked me up and said, “No! No! That’s what we’re here to do! We’re here to help you!”

ASIDE: Someone nice? I had never seen this girl before.

The other worker grabbed the stuff and took it to the elevator.  I did get my bell rung a bit as I was having trouble with my discharge forms.  She deliberately lied back in the office about the whole matter.  She needed to so the nice worker could hear that she didn’t tell me to do it.  Gotta CYA if an inmate gets injured on your shift, ya know?

I was leaving anyway.  What did I have to lose?

I lit into her almost like one of my Samurai Dinners.  Welcome to some of the “treatment” that was given to me.

Remembering that goddamn hell just on its own will probably keep me sober for the rest of my life.


Yep.  Lots of reasons but I’ve finally peaked.  Or sunk.  Rock Bottom.

Emergency trip to Sweetie GP tomorrow.  She knows I hate hospital, but she also knows, I know when I need to go.  I never go.  I’ll be fine.

Well, she’ll be in for a surprise–and not a good one.  I don’t know which will make her my roommate on the ward first. The fact that her Star Patient can’t even manage to get herself willingly to hospital? Or all the shit she’s been doing recently.  Very recently.

That could have possibly killed her? But she wouldn’t have known. Passed out.  Too drunk.

This is the first time (barring the first) I’ve been scared to go to hospital. Actually, I think it’s worse since I’ve had so many after the first. I’m terrified.  A bit? Yeah?

Because I have to confront something that has destroyed so much in my life.  And I’ve been in denial about it for 20 years.

And it’s probably definitely made me more sick and more crazy with every diagnosis I have.

P.S. If I can swing it I found a form to get to greatest place I ever stayed.  Maybe Sweetie GP can push for it.

P.P.S I did manage to call Non-Arsey Neuro and explain.  It’s not what Harvard has done with her medication work.  Her moods have been fine and still no seizures since the beginning of August.  She explained everything and the most important (which WILL be on the form!)

Don’t fuck with this patient’s meds! We’re finally making progress from debilitating epilepsy, for two years or more or whatever.  I’ll be screaming, “CALL MY GODDAMN NEUROLOGIST!!!”

So sorry haven’t been around much.  Too busy destroying my life again.

I hope I can get in soon.  Can’t believe I’m actually saying that about going to hospital.  PA=TROUBLE.

Wow. Surprised I could write this but I have to get my brain going. Fight or Flight? Or Fright.


I found out.  The person from my post earlier today is still alive.  Hospital.  Pretty sick I think, but gonna make it.  Still waiting for updates.

Want to talk to them as soon as I can.  It was the strongest feeling I

Continue Reading »


Yes, quite a title that.  Not enough room for all the really insane things I’ve been doing straight since the morn’.  I want to sleep. Right.  Sure.  I want to stop shaking.  Valium?

Breakfast: A tin of fizzy water, Gravol and cigarettes.  Oh, meds too.

Lunch: Valium and cigarettes.

Have I reached a breaking point? I’ve been crying about it before. Now I just can’t stop.  My T-shirt is covered in so many tears, it’s actually making me cold.  Turn up the heat.

The first phrase is true.  I’ve been that way for a bit, but it’s been increasing exponentially.  So much, that I haven’t even left the house for almost a week.  I think I’ve changed my pyjama bottoms.

Because, that’s almost as long ago as when it happened.  And I can’t hear back from them.  And now I’m so unbelievably, incredibly upset to turn on my goddamn mobile when its battery dies, because I KNOW there won’t be emails, txts, anything.

YES!!! HATE ME LATER if you read this, but I lost it somewhat less, when I unconsciously realized it a few days ago.

The first time I “was on the other end of the ca…”  BUT DON’T YOU DARE SAY I WASN’T UPSET TO BE THERE!!! YOU CAN HATE ME FOR THAT, BUT I’LL HATE YOU RIGHT BACK!!! NEED YOU TO CALL ME WHEN YOU’RE IN TROUBLE!!!

…i was only reminded of the times i did it to so many others and felt like total shit and…(oh, dear god, the one in the other country! now i know how you felt! this person is in another country too! i wish i could tell you, the one who…) *filled to brim with different kind of pain*

I got a txt.  1.5 hours of (whether you believe it or not) “psychic” and other psychological means, of getting a friend through not committing suicide.

The psychic stuff would be a whole other post.  I still may not be able to prove it to you, but ever since I was a wee sprite! The stories I could tell you.

It worked? As far as I can tell.  Some stuff taken but not enough for an OD.  However two days later, just how part of the communication has always worked for me.  I missed something over the phone! Dammit!

As mentioned above, this person is not in the same country.  I cannot reach them.  At all.  Period.

This person needs time to recover after overwhelming and traumatic events.  This I know.  This I also know: it has been the longest length of time where we have not been in contact after they taken time to recover–at least to say something.  Although, I would say THIS event would be considered VERY traumatic?

I also know what this person says too.  Every single time they are gone to take a break and recover.

Even with a plethora of a plethora of emails and txts I sent, HATE ME FOR THOSE!!! HATE ME BY OVERLOADING YOU, BY CHECKING ON YOU EVERY DAY AND TRYING TO FIND YOU SOMEHOW!!!

This person may be ignoring their mobile and email altogether.  Or they may not have access to them.  They may not have seen anything I’ve sent them.  I’m trying to be patient but waiting this long? SO OUT OF MY MIND!!! 

As this person would say, something could be “jamming the signal.”  I keep getting a read on the status (alive, dead, hospital?) Then I’m wrong, back to another, or another, or just a blank slate. The twins are either right with me, saying I’m perfectly on target, or lost altogether themselves.

I’ve even given up trying to hone in; asking the twins for their help.  But my mind won’t let me! I keep going back.  I do keep trying to find or feel something.

Maybe I’m not strong enough, or it’s all too far away–even something jamming the signal on that person’s end.  Again, trust me.  You get TWO highly elevated psychics together (this person more than me though) and it can be pretty powerful.  Not to mention, as far as I’m concerned, too many links in our lives alone that would perfectly balance a seesaw.

THIS.PROBABLY.MAKES.NO.SENSE.TO YOU.

Welcome to my headspace right now.

I’ve crossed a bit of a boundary.  Maybe more than a bit.  Although it might get me an answer?

OH!!! HATE ME FOR THAT TOO!!! HATE ME BECAUSE YOU WILL BE SO MAD THAT I’VE DONE THAT??? WELL, HATE ME FOR LOVING YOU THAT MUCH, EVEN IF YOU THINK IT’S SELFISH!!! IT MIGHT MAKE YOU HATE ME SO MUCH YOU WILL ACTUALLY SPEAK TO ME!!!

This person knows I was going to do this so they ran interference? Bugger!

Whatever the answer, it’s okay! It’s perfectly fine!

I went so mental with all of my diagnoses in the ugliest Easter Basket you’ve ever seen (aren’t they all ugly?) I ended up in the ICU for several days after attempting suicide.  Who the hell drew the line there to say yay or nay? I was in a coma after all that time! That’s a pretty bang up job! OD Grade… An A- perhaps?

This person’s clearly gone MIA, my brain’s clearly going (if not already gone MIA.)  You already know what’s gonna happen here.

This has taken me right up from the beginning of sunshine to my actual divided afternoon dose of meds.  I don’t they’ll make stable as they had been doing before.  MIA? Combination of PTSD, Dissociation and total Mania.  Oh, the Agoraphobia too.  I know the Asperger’s is waiting in the wings.  No. here now.  Rocking, rocking…  Done.  Click.


“think” I’m feeling a bit better than yesterday.  I’m telling myself that title, “This is a bitch!”

I’m trying not to get all of my fucking diagnoses get the better of me.  I’ll blow up and it will be time to say, “Goodbye, PA!” Nothing’s triggering me at the moment so that’s a good thing.  I think my brain is more concerned with my Neurochemistry.  That is alsogood thing!!!

Should anything trigger me, I think I could handle it despite Neurochemistry or anything else.  After all, it was several triggers that made me drink so much.  So much, to get me into this situation of, VERY, UGLY WITHDRAWAL!!!  Even more so, I think I might know more about those triggers–not just things that happened on a “surface level” I suppose you could say.

That gives me even more ammo in case anything threatens to make me fall apart.  THAT IS A VERY, VERY GOOD THING!!! I can’t guarantee anything here, but at least feeling like this is hopeful? *shakes head and sighs*

I think food helps.  Gee.  Really? I had a breakfast, cereal bar earlier.  Now I’m going to try and shove at least something else into my mouth (and swallow it.)

I actually HAVE to go grocery shopping today.  That will be a huge slice of hell!

I had a friend (he’s dead now.)  He ALWAYS used this expression: “If you do the crime; you pay the time.”

Words of wisdom.